To Divorce or Not to Divorce - 4 kids, 17 year marriage

[naturalmanenyc]

I asked why and she said they did realize there was a problem a few years ago, but neither did anything to fix the problems and now the marriage is beyond repair. He is just there now to provide a steady paycheck.

The youngest sleeps with them sometimes because it's comforting I guess for him to be in their bed. She does not mind since she is not trying to have sex anyway with her husband.

 

[blackbarbietea]

My parents waited until I was grown and it still devistated me. And still does till this day.

Sent from my Droid using Long Hair Care Forum App

 

[PretteePlease]

My mom planned to stay until I graduated she made it until I finished 10th grade.

 

[firecracker]

I do. A male nurse that works with me. He has 14 children and wants out but obviously he's stuck. His youngest is 6 months old and wife does not work. I cant imagine being in that situation.

oh snap dude needs to have his tubes tied! Who in da helz has that many kids these day?

 

[firecracker]

My parents waited until I was grown and it still devistated me. And still does till this day.

Sent from my Droid using Long Hair Care Forum App

I feel your pain to a degree. We were all devastated when my Mom told us she threw my Dad out and had been waiting for years to do this I was insulted that his arse didn't call any of us for months after being the provider, cook, maid etc for over 35 years. He moved in with his girlfriend. My siblings hated her for no reason.
I decided that my daughter was not going to miss out on a wonder caring grandfather and told his arse don't try that not calling bs again! My daughter had a great relationship with him but not my Mom. My Mom favors boys and that bs affected me drastically.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

oh snap dude needs to have his tubes tied! Who in da helz has that many kids these day?

Umm I know. I was like well I guess when ur 55 (thats when the youngest will be 18) maybe you can figure it out thenerplexed He has a grandchild the same age as his 6 month old. Its hilarious.

 

[snillohsss]

there is never a right time to divorce. I think if you do it while the kids are still home, or even after they moved out, they would still be divorced.

Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. I think allowing them to view a loveless marriage sets them up for disaster with future relationships. Kids need to see their parents affectionate! That is how they learn how to show affection to their mates when they are older.

 

[Misshairdiva]

I dont think they should stay together. What are they teaching the kids? This is coming from someone who had two parents in a loveless marriage who to this day do not even sleep in the same room. I NEVER saw any love or affection between my parents ever. Me and my brother used to just wish they would divorce and find someone that they could be happy with. My parents NEVER argued or fought infront of us but still. It wasn't exactly a happy household either. My mother used to say she stayed for us. FOR US? No, I think most women use the kids as a cop out .(Because now US is out of the house and she still stayed.)
Most women can't or wont be able to cope so they say that they are staying for the kids, when usually the kids would be alot happier if the parents divorced! No sex,sleeping in different rooms, no affection, no love. That's not a marriage! If two people are living together they need to consider what they are teaching their kids about relationships and love.

 

[Mortons]

To me it seems the kids get it be affected either way, just in different ways. You just have to decide on the lesser of the two evils for you. Would you rather stay, bite your tongue, and try to remain a semblance of family for the kids but have less affection? Or do you leave and reduce your childrens lifestyle and have them get used to another person if you decide to seriously date and get married?

I dont envy the proposition.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I don't envy either proposition.

 

[Guitarhero]

I dont think they should stay together. What are they teaching the kids? This is coming from someone who had two parents in a loveless marriage who to this day do not even sleep in the same room. I NEVER saw any love or affection between my parents ever. Me and my brother used to just wish they would divorce and find someone that they could be happy with. My parents NEVER argued or fought infront of us but still. It wasn't exactly a happy household either. My mother used to say she stayed for us. FOR US? No, I think most women use the kids as a cop out .(Because now US is out of the house and she still stayed.)
Most women can't or wont be able to cope so they say that they are staying for the kids, when usually the kids would be alot happier if the parents divorced! No sex,sleeping in different rooms, no affection, no love. That's not a marriage! If two people are living together they need to consider what they are teaching their kids about relationships and love.

People do realize that most women with children who divorce end up in poverty, right? The results are real and when they say they are staying for the benefit of the children, maybe the children should think a little deeper. Other than them not having necessities, what would be the benefit of divorcing? Loveless married, loveless divorced...same thing. That would not change. I realize this sounds harsh...editing...not meant towards you, MissHairDiva...but to the discussion in general.

 

[Misshairdiva]

My mother had a job.. a very good paying one so I really dont think we would have ended up in poverty.
Your talking to someone who was a single parent at 17 and wasn't in and didnt' end up in poverty.
Again.. I think for most women saying that they are staying for the "children" is a cop out.

 

[Mortons]

My mother had a job.. a very good paying one so I really dont think we would have ended up in poverty.
Your talking to someone who was a single parent at 17 and wasn't in and didnt' end up in poverty.
Again.. I think for most women saying that they are staying for the "children" is a cop out.

2 incomes is always better than one, no matter how you slice it.

"For the children" may be different things to different people. Many just want to ensure that the father doesnt run off with some young chippy after getting divorced and never see his kids again. And with as many stats as we see on how children from single parent homes are affected I'm sure its easy to see how some women would value an 2 parent involved household, even if they lacked something for themselves.

 

[Guitarhero]

My mother had a job.. a very good paying one so I really dont think we would have ended up in poverty.
Your talking to someone who was a single parent at 17 and wasn't in and didnt' end up in poverty.
Again.. I think for most women saying that they are staying for the "children" is a cop out.

But that's not the average woman. I'm going by stats. I guess if one has never been there as a woman with children. It's much more than food on the table, too. What about that private school education and preparation for the SAT's costing upwards of thousands? Sports? Keeping the mortgage where there is negligent child support? Even a good income cannot keep up with what the children would be presently used to, unless cost of living was very cheap to begin with and/or the kids weren't very involved in activities in their communities. Some people are luckier and maybe it would have been more feasible. But there's also the issue of time spent with the parents. Kids have the benefit of seeing them daily. Unless they were abusive or negligent, kids still benefit from a 2-parent home. There's always something to lose in a divorce...there's always something to lose living with loveless parents who hate each other. But the comforts of life are difficult when there's one parent taking on the role of 2. Fatigue and stress are after the loss of $$$ The fact is that women shouldn't be beaten up by other women who see them providing for the needs of their children as best as they can, continuing some sense of stability as a "cop-out." I mean, whose to say other than your mother whether she might have had the psychological fortitude to go it alone? It's incredibly stressful, especially when there are multiple children.

Now, as for you, 17 and a single parent, did you receive support from the father or your parents or did you go it totally alone with no social services at all? If none of that applied, then you can count your blessings because you are definitely the exception to the countless millions worldwide, including the western world...who do end up in poverty. I hope you don't mind my question. And if you worked, then who cared for the child? They are best cared for in all their years until adulthood by the mother, supported by a caring father, particularly in their formative years. But this is becoming a fairytale these days...I know.erplexed Benefits...I guess it's relative to the situation.

 

[Ladybelle]

I just wonder what happens to a person's spirit or persona as a result of living like this. It can't be healthy for anyone involved including the husband & wife.

 

[Guitarhero]

I just wonder what happens to a person's spirit or persona as a result of living like this. It can't be healthy for anyone involved including the husband & wife.

The downside for women, you gain weight or grow grey hairs and a few wrinkles. The upside, even though men might seem to have their cake, too, they die sooner.

 

[Ladybelle]

The downside for women, you gain weight or grow grey hairs and a few wrinkles. The upside, even though men might seem to have their cake, too, they die sooner.

so what do you do? sit around & wait for him to die? Then you're too old or too tired to care about ever finding love again? With the upside being that he died first and left you with whatever finances/property there was to leave??

I'll pass.

I don't get it, I noticed up-thread someone mentioned it being selfish to divorce absent extreme circumstances if there are kids involved. Is this not an extreme circumstance?

 

[Guitarhero]

so what do you do? sit around & wait for him to die? Then you're too old or too tired to care about ever finding love again? With the upside being that he died first and left you with whatever finances/property there was to leave??

I'll pass.

I don't get it, I noticed up-thread someone mentioned it being selfish to divorce absent extreme circumstances if there are kids involved. Is this not an extreme circumstance?

People leave or stay for personal reasons, whichever they are. Every situation is unique. But we all know that we women aren't but 1 hair's breadth from the Middle Ages. We've progressed just that far. I'll say one thing, a mother's love is extremely deep to look at the needs of the child and not her own...truly deep...whether staying or leaving...whichever is best for that particular family.

 

[kamille8]

Man you only get one life. What if god forbid something happened to one of them think about the final years and how they basically wasted it with someone that clearly their is no love. At least they should begin counseling to at least try to make it work instead of wasting valuable years.

 

[alundra]

Are they finding... things to do outside of their marriage? Five years IS a long time. What if one of their children caught them with someone else outside of the marriage?
Why is it that people in these situations always have lots of children?

 

[firecracker]

Heck ya'll talking like no sex is death. LOL My faternal grandparents slept in separate beds in the same room til my grandfather died. I always wanted to ask my Madear did ya'll used to hop ova when you felt frisky. Who knows what was going on but I know the last child/my uncle ain't my grandfathers! LOL

 

[dlewis]

I don't see anything wrong with why she's staying. She's doing what she feels is right for her and her kids. Her husband does sound like a jerk.

Now I would stay with my husband in a loveless marriage, as long as there is no cheating until the kids are grown. I want them to have both their parents in the home until they move out. During that time, I'll be trying to figure out how to get my husband fixed. Because I don't want any other kids coming into this world ,through him, once we divorce.

 

[dlewis]

Man you only get one life. What if god forbid something happened to one of them think about the final years and how they basically wasted it with someone that clearly their is no love. At least they should begin counseling to at least try to make it work instead of wasting valuable years.

There is love for the children. How is that wasted?

Women stay for for selfish reasons, why not stay for a selfless reason?

 

[MrsWatson]

My in laws having been living like that for about 25 years. They didn't divorce because of the children, and now that their youngest child is 26, they are finally going through an UGLY divorce. DH's mom is about 65 and is terrified because she just doesn't know how to live alone.

 

[jaiku]

I would never do this. Yeah the kids have things and activities but they never learn how to be in a loving marriage. Everyone I know whose parents did this has major relationship issues. All are single parents and they pick the worst mates available. In the long run it's not worth it.

 

[dlewis]

I would never do this. Yeah the kids have things and activities but they never learn how to be in a loving marriage. Everyone I know whose parents did this has major relationship issues. All are single parents and they pick the worst mates available. In the long run it's not worth it.

Most people are going to have some issues anyway. No one is perfect and I know we all like to blame our upbringing and parents for everything. If the people you know who's parents did this, if their parents had divorced they would still have issues.

Life is about working through those, making better choices and moving on. I have never met a person without any issues.erplexed

I'm a product of 5 marriages between my parents and the only thing that taught me was to not work to better a marriage, when someone pisses you off - move on, in a nut shell it taught me not to put any value on marriage.

 

[simone103]

It's a catch-22 either way you look at it. My parents have been married for almost 40 years and it's been a dysfunctional marriage for most of those years. I honestly think they would have been better off getting a divorce (especially my mother) many years ago, but that was their decision. I have a sister who is several years older than me and has seen things go on in my parents marriage that I haven't, so it has really affected her in her personal relationships with men and women. My sister can't get past it and she is almost 40 and has never been able to sustain a normal relationship with a man.

 

[Dominican09]

I was watching Intervention last night....and all the participants were products of a divorce...soooo in the situation that you mentioned, I think they are doing the right thing...I do not know anyone in this type of situation though.

 

[dlewis]

People leave or stay for personal reasons, whichever they are. Every situation is unique. But we all know that we women aren't but 1 hair's breadth from the Middle Ages. We've progressed just that far. I'll say one thing, a mother's love is extremely deep to look at the needs of the child and not her own...truly deep...whether staying or leaving...whichever is best for that particular family.

It truely is in most cases. Several month ago a house caught a fire and a woman's young children were inside. She ran in several times to get her kids with flesh falling off her everytime she would come out the house. She went back in time after time to get her babies. The babies died and that woman is still, to this day at a burn center in Alabama. Even in all that pain she was thinking about and concerned for her children.

I don't know why that situation came to mind.

 

[Zaynab]

Five years? No way am I living in a house with a person I'm married to and we aint having sex. Forget what other issues we have, we would still have sex.