Would you divorce your husband...

You know in the end you will do whats best for you and your girls. I think from the JMO ova here. You want to make it work and are willing to put in your best effort. I say give it your all and encourage you in every way!

I don't encouraging leaving anyone due to that when you are truly tired and have made your final decision you won't need encouragement for that at all...you will just need support and whatever you do I'm cheering for you..hopefully this is a bump/rocks/pebbles in the road that ya'll can overcome! Nonetheless, I think your gurls will admire and respect how strong of a mother that they truly have and all that you do for them. :yep:
 
Some of you women on this board are very strong women! There is no way in hell that I could ever support a healthy well functioning able bodied man. One of the things I hate most is lazy people who give excuses. It's one thing if he's been laid off and is working full-time to find another job. It's a completely different thing when he makes no attempt to make his situation better and making excuses.

If 3 children aren't motivation enough I don't know what is!:perplexed

Unless a person has been diagnosed with some physical or mental disability their should be no excuses especially when you have people dependent on you. IMO it's rolemoding bad behavior for the children. Yes, for both spouses and the children it would be more beneficial to get to the core of the issue and figure out the problem. With that said at some point something drastic on both or either end is going to have to happen to solve the problem.
 
pisceschica said:
Some of you women on this board are very strong women! There is no way in hell that I could ever support a healthy well functioning able bodied man. One of the things I hate most is lazy people who give excuses. It's one thing if he's been laid off and is working full-time to find another job. It's a completely different thing when he makes no attempt to make his situation better and making excuses.

If 3 children aren't motivation enough I don't know what is!:perplexed

Unless a person has been diagnosed with some physical or mental disability their should be no excuses especially when you have people dependent on you. IMO it's rolemoding bad behavior for the children. Yes, for both spouses and the children it would be more beneficial to get to the core of the issue and figure out the problem. With that said at some point something drastic on both or either end is going to have to happen to solve the problem.
Click to expand...

You are so right! :yep: Good post :grin:

33627qz0kw47zut-vi.gif
 
natumer said:
Truthfully I think he is angry at me on some level, and that might be his destructive way of dealing with somethings I've done. We have both made mistakes and caused each other hurt...we've talked through them and suppose to put them behind us. But truly I think that he must be angry with me on some level (maybe even subconsciously) and that is why he is depressed, uninspired and unmotivated. I just can't believe that a truly happy person would have no drive and be ok with this situation.
Click to expand...

I still really don't understand the issue in n this situation.

If it was just you and him I would say if you really feel like this relationship is worth saving do everything in your power to make it work. If you feel like you can work on things together to uplift him give it a go. If things don't change after numerous counseling sessions and hours of open communication I would say it's up to you if you want to support an able bodied man the rest of your life. In this situation, IF it was only the two if you, there are no victims because you are both adults that are able to make choices for yourself. But that is not the case.

I'm sure there are many parents on this board and in general that would agree that their children are the top priorities in their life. I'm sure there are many many more that would agree that they would NEVER EVER allow whatever rifts they are having with their spouse or co-parent affect their ability to provide for their child(ren). However he feels you are making him feel takes a backseat to your children and their well-being both present and future.

From the sounds of things you are simply frustrated and probably really stressed out. So whenever the issue comes up you may not express it in the most tactful way and his feelings maybe hurt. I don't think you are being verbally abusive or putting him down. At the end of the day regardless of how he feels about you and the way you feel about him children are involved. He needs to really get over it and just handle responsibilities he took on when he
became a father. It's not about you or him anymore. Whatever issues he is having with you should not prevent him from doing everything in his power to make sure the children are provided for.

I don't know how often you all talk about your issues or how often you both individually think about it, but it seems the energies would be better spent putting the childrens' needs first considering they have absolutely no choice in this matter.

I feel that yes, your relationship with your spouse is important to the health of the family dynamis overall. But if some compromise or solution can't be reached after you feel you have done everything then you both just need to make sure you can be the best and healthiest (mind, body, soul) parents for your three children.
 
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ZeeOl'Lady said:
^^She can't.
Her children need her.

But, she could:
-cutt the cable off
-pawn that playstation (or X-box)
-stop buying snacks (like cookies, chips, juices, just foods that need to be cooked)
-Call the electric company and have them set the thermostat so he's not too comfy at all.
-Stop giving him money
- Stop buying him any extras (cigaretts, blacks, whatever)


Stop making him comfortable.
Click to expand...

Great answer!:yep::yep:
 
((((hugs)))) OP. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know several women who have been through this, so I know it can be very stressful. I know one woman who's husband finally got a nice steady job and has been there for years now. I'm not sure what made the lightbulb turn on for him. But from what I've seen most men like this don't change. And most of the time the women keep trying to "help" him be motivated to work. You must be a really strong woman, I don't know how you've done it for 10 years.
 
ZeeOl'Lady said:
Natumer, any changes? Any talks?
Click to expand...

Still Sexy Stewardess said:
Just thinking about you, OP. Anything new?
Click to expand...

Hi ladies,
I am so sorry for not being back and update my situation. Got busy with work, and then with the Haiti situation, it's been hard to get some time to come back and give an update...but no excuses.

I appreciate you all for your advice, 2 cents, hugs, thoughts, prayers, everything. I got something from every single comments that was left.

Ok now for the update:

I am not getting a divorce. But will explore alternative ways to improve the situation.

Steps taken Financially:

I decided to stop trying to do everything and let go of the reign.
I will continue to do my part from what I bring in from work.
I have increase my "own" savings accounts.
10% of my income goes to savings (secret account, I know some may not agree but I feel that's insurance to keep from going in there and use it for any reason)
I set up household expenses account (based on trends), that's our joint account so he can do the shoping (he does the shopping, I don't like to shop and don't want to spend my free time doing that).
I have my own discretionary funds account
I have a household account to pay for bills
I have outlined very clearly our obligations (padded) and share it with him to show needs (show that we need additional income)
This month I basically told him, that he needed to pay 3 bills and the nanny (which he did)
So starting now, I am dividing the bills so that he has specific obligations he is responsible for (I used to look at everything as whole, one big pot we all put our income in/ with no set responsibility of who is responsible for what, well I ended up carrying the whole burden)
I have not budgeted anything for him, if he needs something, he'll need to figure it out on his own
We had a conversation about how we need to do things differently, our financial obligations, financial priorities, spending habits
He really was surprised by a lot of it (which I did not realize he would be) but he agreed with the new plan

Steps taken to motivate him:

I did a self-analysis on how I can change to be a "helpmate" and be a wife who uplifts/inspires him.
That same weekend, I went to him (and tried to be as fragile as I could be) and explain to him how I was worried about our financial situation.
I started by apologizing for anything I may have done in the past that hurt him.
I told him that I believed in him and need him to be the leader (was that to direct?).
We had a long conversation (all night). He said that I need to understand his role as a husband (I know contradictory) and stop thinking that I can do everything by myself (which he would just let me do until I realize that we are in a marriage and I am not a single woman (???))
Truthfully I was mad at most of what he was saying, I just don't get how you want to be the husband but are willing to just sit back instead of take charge (but I gess it goes back to some of the comments I got on here about a man will just let you run yourself out and just sit back grrrrrrrrrrrr).
I tried to remain calm, and focus on my goal, to show him that I am a wife, helpmate, not someone who wants to do his job. While it was hard, I just apologized about the past and said that I wanted to reset and this time let him take the lead (he was a bit incredulous).

By the end of the weekend of me continuously complimenting him, acting helpless, like "oh I can't open the jar, can you please help me you're much stronger". To outlining all the things he is good at, and some piece. He started believing that I was serious. Truthfully it did not take much from me changing my attitude for him to change his. We were back talking a lot and communicating what is on our minds, and him being even a lot more helpful/thoughtful (volunteering to do some chores that I would do when I am home :yep:).

So as soon as he became more open, I started to share with him our financial woes and how I need his help. He ended up paying for 5 of our bills and the nanny!

My mindset now is I am not responsible to make sure all is ok. I will do the things that I have set to do, and he is responsible for his. If he fails to do his part and our lights get shut off, then that's on him to deal with and figure out.

I will focus on being at peace with myself, being as good of a wife I can be for him, be a good mom, no more being the sole provider!

Steps on taken for his employment:

He really does not want to work, he wants to focus on school (2 more years to go and graduate). He wants to focus his extra time on volunteering or doing activities that will help him get in med school. While I understand that, and want to continue to encourage him in his education (he has been doing well so far); I also want him to bring in some income.

He has agreed to look for a job on campus, so that way it won't interfere too much with his schooling.

If he can't find something on campus, he will then have to find a night shift job (not the best option).

I will be updating his resume and applying for job for him to help him in his job search (progress slowed down, as I was focused on the situation going on in Haiti).

Counseling for me: I need to look into my hc plan to see what is offered and start looking for a therapist. I still believe that counseling will do me some good and still intend to go.

OK, I think that's it for now. Again thank you for staying tune, thank you for reading this long post, thank you for all your support :grouphug3:
 
Last edited:
natumer said:
Hi ladies,
I am so sorry for not being back and update my situation. Got busy with work, and then with the Haiti situation, it's been hard to get some time to come back and give an update...but no excuses.

I appreciate you all for your advice, 2 cents, hugs, thoughts, prayers, everything. I got something from every single comments that was left.

Ok now for the update:

I am not getting a divorce. But will explore alternative ways to improve the situation.

Steps taken Financially:

I decided to stop trying to do everything and let go of the reign.
I will continue to do my part from what I bring in from work.
I have increase my "own" savings accounts.
10% of my income goes to savings (secret account, I know some may not agree but I feel that's insurance to keep from going in there and use it for any reason)
I set up household expenses account (based on trends), that's our joint account so he can do the shoping (he does the shopping, I don't like to shop and don't want to spend my free time doing that).
I have my own discretionary funds account
I have a household account to pay for bills
I have outlined very clearly our obligations (padded) and share it with him to show needs (show that we need additional income)
This month I basically told him, that he needed to pay 3 bills and the nanny (which he did)
So starting now, I am dividing the bills so that he has specific obligations he is responsible for (I used to look at everything as whole, one big pot we all put our income in/ with no set responsibility of who is responsible for what, well I ended up carrying the whole burden)
I have not budgeted anything for him, if he needs something, he'll need to figure it out on his own
We had a conversation about how we need to do things differently, our financial obligations, financial priorities, spending habits
He really was surprised by a lot of it (which I did not realize he would be) but he agreed with the new plan

Steps taken to motivate him:

I did a self-analysis on how I can change to be a "helpmate" and be a wife who uplifts/inspires him.
That same weekend, I went to him (and tried to be as fragile as I could be) and explain to him how I was worried about our financial situation.
I started by apologizing for anything I may have done in the past that hurt him.
I told him that I believed in him and need him to be the leader (was that to direct?).
We had a long conversation (all night). He said that I need to understand his role as a husband (I know contradictory) and stop thinking that I can do everything by myself (which he would just let me do until I realize that we are in a marriage and I am not a single woman (???))
Truthfully I was mad at most of what he was saying, I just don't get how you want to be the husband but are willing to just sit back instead of take charge (but I gess it goes back to some of the comments I got on here about a man will just let you run yourself out and just sit back grrrrrrrrrrrr).
I tried to remain calm, and focus on my goal, to show him that I am a wife, helpmate, not someone who wants to do his job. While it was hard, I just apologized about the past and said that I wanted to reset and this time let him take the lead (he was a bit incredulous).

By the end of the weekend of me continuously complimenting him, acting helpless, like "oh I can't open the jar, can you please help me you're much stronger". To outlining all the things he is good at, and some piece. He started believing that I was serious. Truthfully it did not take much from me changing my attitude for him to change his. We were back talking a lot and communicating what is on our minds, and him being even a lot more helpful/thoughtful (volunteering to do some chores that I would do when I am home :yep:).

So as soon as he became more open, I started to share with him our financial woes and how I need his help. He ended up paying for 5 of our bills and the nanny!

My mindset now is I am not responsible to make sure all is ok. I will do the things that I have set to do, and he is responsible for his. If he fails to do his part and our lights get shut off, then that's on him to deal with and figure out.

I will focus on being at peace with myself, being as good of a wife I can be for him, be a good mom, no more being the sole provider!

Steps on taken for his employment:

He really does not want to work, he wants to focus on school (2 more years to go and graduate). He wants to focus his extra time on volunteering or doing activities that will help him get in med school. While I understand that, and want to continue to encourage him in his education (he has been doing well so far); I also want him to bring in some income.

He has agreed to look for a job on campus, so that way it won't interfere too much with his schooling.

If he can't find something on campus, he will then have to find a night shift job (not the best option).

I will be updating his resume and applying for job for him to help him in his job search (progress slowed down, as I was focused on the situation going on in Haiti).

Counseling for me: I need to look into my hc plan to see what is offered and start looking for a therapist. I still believe that counseling will do me some good and still intend to go.

OK, I think that's it for now. Again thank you for staying tune, thank you for reading this long post, thank you for all your support :grouphug3:
Click to expand...

This is great, thanks for the update! I really like your plan! :)
 
Hi,
I've just found this thread and I am so happy at the steps that you have taken and that you did not just walk away from years of marriage without giving it one last try.

You did what I was going to suggest. As time goes by you will see that the trust comes back. You will trust that you can share with him, not handle it all by yourself and he will in turn learn to lean on you when he needs it. Men often need to be needed in some way - sometimes for the hell of it I will show DH I need him to solve some issue for me in some way/shape or form.

Sometimes, as women we need to learn to keep some of what we are thinking in our heads because men and women speak 2 different languages and approach situations different ways. As he becomes more confident and more mature he will begin doing more and more without you asking.

One suggestion I have that he may want to consider is getting work as an EMT pt - at a nursing home, etc. The reason I say this is because this will give him some benefit as someone who has experience in that field. I am not sure how far along he is but my cousin was able to work as a researcher on campus, which gave her money and looked good on her resume.

Sasha
 
Nefertiti0906 said:
This is great, thanks for the update! I really like your plan! :)
Click to expand...

Mariaat40 said:
Looks like you put a lot of effort into your plan and it looks great. I wish you well!
Click to expand...

Thanks. Yes, I wrote down the essential points I got from this board and made a plan. I think this gives us a good start.

Sasha299 said:
Hi,
I've just found this thread and I am so happy at the steps that you have taken and that you did not just walk away from years of marriage without giving it one last try.

You did what I was going to suggest. As time goes by you will see that the trust comes back. You will trust that you can share with him, not handle it all by yourself and he will in turn learn to lean on you when he needs it. Men often need to be needed in some way - sometimes for the hell of it I will show DH I need him to solve some issue for me in some way/shape or form.

Sometimes, as women we need to learn to keep some of what we are thinking in our heads because men and women speak 2 different languages and approach situations different ways. As he becomes more confident and more mature he will begin doing more and more without you asking.

One suggestion I have that he may want to consider is getting work as an EMT pt - at a nursing home, etc. The reason I say this is because this will give him some benefit as someone who has experience in that field. I am not sure how far along he is but my cousin was able to work as a researcher on campus, which gave her money and looked good on her resume.

Sasha
Click to expand...

Thanks. I know we definitely speak different language, and I am very direct and say what is on my mind, I need to learn that may not always be best.

I am also learning to lean on him ask for help, instead of just thinking that he should just know or see when/where I need him. I don't get how man can't just see that. It's fun really playing "helpless" I see it as role playing, don't know if it will ever become natural.


I have been trying to plug some ideas to him that may serve him well in the long term, I think EMT is definitely a good one. I need to find a good way to "suggest" it.

Ladies, please feel free to provide any comment on the plan, remember I am really trying to learn from you all and this is a work in progress.:yep:
 
natumer said:
Thanks. Yes, I wrote down the essential points I got from this board and made a plan. I think this gives us a good start.



Thanks. I know we definitely speak different language, and I am very direct and say what is on my mind, I need to learn that may not always be best.

I am also learning to lean on him ask for help, instead of just thinking that he should just know or see when/where I need him. I don't get how man can't just see that. It's fun really playing "helpless" I see it as role playing, don't know if it will ever become natural.


I have been trying to plug some ideas to him that may serve him well in the long term, I think EMT is definitely a good one. I need to find a good way to "suggest" it.

Ladies, please feel free to provide any comment on the plan, remember I am really trying to learn from you all and this is a work in progress.:yep:
Click to expand...

I am so impressed with you!! And so very pleased to read your update. I have no suggestions on how to suggest the EMT idea, but I am fully confident you will handle it in the same classy manner.

ETA: Seem like you've been reading "the ART of HELPING a man run the house" thread started by dlewis. I need to re-read it myself.
 
Last edited:
I'm soooooo glad you decided to work on it.

Maybe you could bring up the EMT idea by first letting him know that you think his skills are very valuable and could probably be put to great use as an EMT or (insert job that requires his skills here).
 
This is a hard decision and i'm going through something similar, I'm divorcing my husband!

I married young as well and he's worked but always low wage earning jobs with no growth and he has absolutely no drive or direction. So in feb. he's going back to his BIRTH mother! lol!

make the decision that's best for you
 
Hey OP, I hate to get religious up in here, but my pastor did a sermon on marriage and something like this came up in the context of divorce. He said that there are biblical reasons for a divorce and named adultery and willful unemployment as a reason. I'm sorry I can't give you all the scriptural basis, but he framed it in terms of willfully failing to provide for the family and neglect. Nevertheless, I found it quite interesting.

So to answer your question, it would depend if he's doing this on purpose and if you can live with it. If he is and you can't then, um.....
 
OP, I see you have an update. Glad that you're working on it! You've got some good advice from these Ladies!! Oh, may I also suggest a good read? There's a book called the "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It might aid in learning to recognize each other's communication styles :)
 
donna894 said:
I am so impressed with you!! And so very pleased to read your update. I have no suggestions on how to suggest the EMT idea, but I am fully confident you will handle it in the same classy manner.

ETA: Seem like you've been reading "the ART of HELPING a man run the house" thread started by dlewis. I need to re-read it myself.
Click to expand...

Thanks so much. I have definitely been reading the Art of HELPING a man run the house by dlewis, she has been holding my hands through this. :yep:

likewtr4chklit said:
I'm soooooo glad you decided to work on it.

Maybe you could bring up the EMT idea by first letting him know that you think his skills are very valuable and could probably be put to great use as an EMT or (insert job that requires his skills here).
Click to expand...

I am going to look into what it takes to be an EMT so that when I bring it up to him I will have all the details. We are currently strategizing on all the things he has to have in place to go to med school (GPA, MCAT score, volunteering/clinical experience, leadership roles at school). I could suggest EMT as clinical experience :yep:

sheni11 said:
This is a hard decision and i'm going through something similar, I'm divorcing my husband!

I married young as well and he's worked but always low wage earning jobs with no growth and he has absolutely no drive or direction. So in feb. he's going back to his BIRTH mother! lol!

make the decision that's best for you
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear about your divorce. I am sure it was a hard decision to come through, it's hard when you feel like you are the only making the efforts to grow. I am sure going back to his BIRTH mother will finally get his attention...too bad it had to take that. Hugs to you, will keep you in my prayers.

justicefighter1913 said:
Hey OP, I hate to get religious up in here, but my pastor did a sermon on marriage and something like this came up in the context of divorce. He said that there are biblical reasons for a divorce and named adultery and willful unemployment as a reason. I'm sorry I can't give you all the scriptural basis, but he framed it in terms of willfully failing to provide for the family and neglect. Nevertheless, I found it quite interesting.

So to answer your question, it would depend if he's doing this on purpose and if you can live with it. If he is and you can't then, um.....
Click to expand...

Don't mind you bringing in a religious view at all. I actually spoke with my spiritual advisors about this, and none of them thought that biblically I did not have a reason to divorce, which is part of my reason to try to find alternatives way to change my situation instead of divorcing. That is a very interesting sermon, curious to hear more on the scriptural basis. Thanks for sharing.

justicefighter1913 said:
OP, I see you have an update. Glad that you're working on it! You've got some good advice from these Ladies!! Oh, may I also suggest a good read? There's a book called the "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It might aid in learning to recognize each other's communication styles :)
Click to expand...

Thanks for the tip, I have put the order on Amazon, can't wait to read and learn. :yep:



Blaque*Angel said:
Thank You for the update natumer. I am still praying for you and DH. :rosebud:
Click to expand...

Thanks for your prayers,:fallenang they move mountains.
 
Hi Ladies,
Just wanted to give you all an update. I know last time I was on here I told you about my plans...well I am no longer trying to make this marriage work. I have gotten to the point where I just want out. Because of the issues I talked about in the OP and other very serious issues, I am going through with the divorce. It's still very early in the phase, and I have a long way to go, but I know now that is what I want and what I need to do.
Again thank you all for all your advice and support.
 
You can't change another person, especially a grown man. No one should have to motivate a man to go to work and take care of his family. You had to do everything you could though so that you can know you did your best. I wish you all the best. I know your heart is breaking but it sounds like you are doing what is best. Thank you for being so honest and sharing this update. Hang in there.
 
justicefighter1913 said:
Hey OP, I hate to get religious up in here, but my pastor did a sermon on marriage and something like this came up in the context of divorce. He said that there are biblical reasons for a divorce and named adultery and willful unemployment as a reason. I'm sorry I can't give you all the scriptural basis, but he framed it in terms of willfully failing to provide for the family and neglect. Nevertheless, I found it quite interesting.

So to answer your question, it would depend if he's doing this on purpose and if you can live with it. If he is and you can't then, um.....
Click to expand...
no the THREE reasons are
Adultery
Unequally yolked
Death

These three were drilled in my head when I was going through my divorce
 
natumer said:
Hi Ladies,
Just wanted to give you all an update. I know last time I was on here I told you about my plans...well I am no longer trying to make this marriage work. I have gotten to the point where I just want out. Because of the issues I talked about in the OP and other very serious issues, I am going through with the divorce. It's still very early in the phase, and I have a long way to go, but I know now that is what I want and what I need to do.
Again thank you all for all your advice and support.
Click to expand...
Making up your mind that you actually want out is one of the HARDEST things to do. I have been there. If you ever want to talk, you can PM me
 
My question is why holler DIVORCE when you been putting up withit for 10 years? Surely the writing was on the wall at Year 1.

If he has a field where he is a free lancer, and its not steady but he's so good at his job when he DOES get paid its a LOT, then may be not. But I would learn pre-marriage if he is the type of person like me: Willing to work at McDonalds to make sure my bills get paid. I got 2 degrees but if the job isn't there its just not there. But if he is that type of man then its all good. If he's just generally lazy, then pooh pooh to the woman who lets this behavior go on for 3, 650 days.... (10 years).
 
I think in everyones divorce if we truelly look back and reflect there is some sort of red flags, however alot of us chose to ignore them. Bashing OP about staying serves her or the readers no good. OP, sometimes it takes a while to see what's really going on. And in any situation look back, reflect and find out the lessons to be learned from our marriage.
Ladies we should be here to help, not bash. OP, your figuring things out better late then never. I great book for you to read is called: Spiritual divorce. You can get it for a few bucks on amazon.com
 
Wondering why there's a divorce or why someone didn't see red flags is like wondering why you didn't see that people are not perfect. As someone else suggested, we can only control our own behavior, not that of another. Sometimes, things turn sour. The last thing we need to do is blast the couple for having human troubles. Everybody makes mistakes and none of us have crystal balls to be able to see into the future. Even with no red flags or a partner who is seemingly near perfect, there are going to be troubles.
 
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