Would you divorce your husband...

Spidergul said:
Is 31 and 32 still considered that young...? just asking. but I agree this is a hard one.:sad:
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I know, I can't continue to give him the young card anymore, because at 30 I think you should have figured things out by now...

I know it's hard imagine how I feel..........:wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash:


I am embarrassed by our situation with my family and friends, I feel everyone think that I am a fool for "allowing" this....but I don't know what to do.

Is divorcing the answer?

If I stay...there is only so much my talking can do?

How do I motivate him? uplift him? help him figure out what is wrong with him, if he's in denial?

Do I just stop paying the bills?
 
Spidergul said:
Is 31 and 32 still considered that young...? just asking. but I agree this is a hard one.:sad:
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Relatively young considering some people don't even marry until around their age. Which is why I don't know what to say because the fact that they've managed to stay married for 10 years despite getting married at 21 is indeed an accomplishment, all the more reason for them to work this out if possible.

natumer said:
^^^I just say depress, because I see he is getting more into his own every year, he only has a few close friends (3), he's close to his mom, function like everything is normal, so I don't know what else to call him besides some kind of a depression since he is so unmotivated. He knows we are struggling, he knows we are in need, but he just figures that I will somehow take care of everything.

When things get really bad he will go hustle his way into bringing home something.

What kills me is that he is very smart and talented. He is a perfectionist, who has very high work ethics when he is focused/motivated on doing something.

When he worked, he was on time, performed his duties during the time he was suppose to, work hard at what he was suppose to. In my opinion, he is scared of failing and instead of getting/keeping a challenging job, or failing he prefers to hide out. He has gotten fired in a few jobs and I think after that he just got "scared of going out there and get rejected. Also, I think that while he was having such a hard time I was being successful at work and in school and maybe he got intimidated by that.
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What are the alternatives to divorce? Do you think maybe you cripple him by being the backbone of the family? I dunno.... maybe someone else can give you some constructive advice.
 
Yes.
Does he have bad credit, a criminal history and/or problems with his lisence?
If not, then yes.
If he is TRYING and has one of the above, no.

It has been MY personal experience that a man who won't works is too idle.
There is an old saying that the devil works on the idle mind.
And, HONEY, you just don't know how true that is.
In many instances, where the woman is the sole breadwinner, the man feels emasulated, and the woman tends to resent him, leading him to find his masculinity in things like attending strip clubs and cheating with another woman who "makes him feel like the man"
Any woman with a man who won't work will also tell you he has cheated on her.

NO, I wouldn't.
Been there, done that and brought the t-shirt and jeans.
 
IDK if divorce is the answer. I know it's easier said than do but I for one don't care what others think.

My husband was laid off from a job and we had a party at our house and his aunt told him in front of everyone that he needed to get a job. I set her straight, right there infront of everyone. I told her not to worry about me and mine, that's MY husband and as long as she not pay any bills in this house she should mind her business and worry about her sons and husband who have been out of work for years.
 
asuperwoman said:
Relatively young considering some people don't even marry until around their age. Which is why I don't know what to say because the fact that they've managed to stay married for 10 years despite getting married at 21 is indeed an accomplishment, all the more reason for them to work this out if possible.




What are the alternatives to divorce? Do you think maybe you cripple him by being the backbone of the family? I dunno.... maybe someone else can give you some constructive advice.
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I really just don't agree with bolded. It is NOT her fault. They started out the same, she continued her education and I assume she expected him to do the same.
 
asuperwoman said:
What are the alternatives to divorce? Do you think maybe you cripple him by being the backbone of the family? I dunno.... maybe someone else can give you some constructive advice.
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Well I would prefer to save my marriage, I do agree that I have been crippling him, since I am so independent, and take control so much that he feels like he can backoff and everything can still go on ok.

I just don't know how to stop crippling him, letting go of the control without getting put out of the house.
 
Spidergul said:
I really just don't agree with bolded. It is NOT her fault. They started out the same, she continued her education and I assume she expected him to do the same.
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I was just asking... i mean, what motivation does he have to do what needs to be done? I think someone else, Zee hit on what I was thinking.

I don't think they should get divorced,but something has to be done. What is the something? I'm not afraid to say- I don't know.

Pray, intercede for him.
 
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natumer said:
^^^I just say depress, because I see he is getting more into his own every year, he only has a few close friends (3), he's close to his mom, function like everything is normal, so I don't know what else to call him besides some kind of a depression since he is so unmotivated. He knows we are struggling, he knows we are in need, but he just figures that I will somehow take care of everything.

When things get really bad he will go hustle his way into bringing home something.

What kills me is that he is very smart and talented. He is a perfectionist, who has very high work ethics when he is focused/motivated on doing something.

When he worked, he was on time, performed his duties during the time he was suppose to, work hard at what he was suppose to. In my opinion, he is scared of failing and instead of getting/keeping a challenging job, or failing he prefers to hide out. He has gotten fired in a few jobs and I think after that he just got "scared of going out there and get rejected. Also, I think that while he was having such a hard time I was being successful at work and in school and maybe he got intimidated by that.
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Tough love below... don't read it unless you are ready for it...











































































He's not working, because he knows that you will work like a mule to support your kids, and in turn support him.
I say it will all my heart and exerience, that once you told this man that you resent him, he felt like you took a blow at his ego.
Either he has had an affair, or will, to fill that void you aren't feeling.
I don't advise ultimatums, but, something has to give.
He needs to understand that he can't/won't live rent free NO WHERE.

Put him out.
 
natumer said:
Well I would prefer to save my marriage, I do agree that I have been crippling him, since I am so independent, and take control so much that he feels like he can backoff and everything can still go on ok.

I just don't know how to stop crippling him, letting go of the control without getting put out of the house.
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Well if that is the case, you may have to scale back...? But how do you do that?:perplexed
 
natumer said:
^^^I just say depress, because I see he is getting more into his own every year, he only has a few close friends (3), he's close to his mom, function like everything is normal, so I don't know what else to call him besides some kind of a depression since he is so unmotivated. He knows we are struggling, he knows we are in need, but he just figures that I will somehow take care of everything.

When things get really bad he will go hustle his way into bringing home something.

What kills me is that he is very smart and talented. He is a perfectionist, who has very high work ethics when he is focused/motivated on doing something.

When he worked, he was on time, performed his duties during the time he was suppose to, work hard at what he was suppose to. In my opinion, he is scared of failing and instead of getting/keeping a challenging job, or failing he prefers to hide out. He has gotten fired in a few jobs and I think after that he just got "scared of going out there and get rejected. Also, I think that while he was having such a hard time I was being successful at work and in school and maybe he got intimidated by that.
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The first bolded really makes me feel somekinda way. How are you going to let your partner take on the stress of doing it all when they don't want to, and then come up as SuperSaverMan at the last minute? :ohwell:

As for the other two - Hrm. It sounds like he's - scared - of failing again. And I respect that, but it's not a reason to not work again. Fear is okay as long as you don't allow it to rule you.

asuperwoman said:
Relatively young considering some people don't even marry until around their age. Which is why I don't know what to say because the fact that they've managed to stay married for 10 years despite getting married at 21 is indeed an accomplishment, all the more reason for them to work this out if possible.

What are the alternatives to divorce? Do you think maybe you cripple him by being the backbone of the family? I dunno.... maybe someone else can give you some constructive advice.
Click to expand...

And that's the question.

You can't force the man to work.

I think I might put him out. :look: I wouldn't ask for a divorce, but I'd tell him he's not welcome at home until he's willing to contribute to home. Whether that is him becoming househusband extrodianaire (assuming he has the skills), or if that is him getting some lil cheap job (which I know is hard in this economy) or if it's him helping out with one of his boys who has a side hustle mowing grass or painting or SOMETHING - if he's not contributing, he needs to be living somewhere else.

I'm really sorry about this - the whole situation gives me the :perplexed face.
 
I wonder if he has any self value. Maybe he thinks he's worthless, IDK. I do know I've had to motivate Dh during a time when he was depressed. Pump him up and encourage him, be there, listen. It didn't last a long time though.
 
^^She can't.
Her children need her.

But, she could:
-cutt the cable off
-pawn that playstation (or X-box)
-stop buying snacks (like cookies, chips, juices, just foods that need to be cooked)
-Call the electric company and have them set the thermostat so he's not too comfy at all.
-Stop giving him money
- Stop buying him any extras (cigaretts, blacks, whatever)


Stop making him comfortable.
 
JustKiya said:
The first bolded really makes me feel somekinda way. How are you going to let your partner take on the stress of doing it all when they don't want to, and then come up as SuperSaverMan at the last minute? :ohwell:

As for the other two - Hrm. It sounds like he's - scared - of failing again. And I respect that, but it's not a reason to not work again. Fear is okay as long as you don't allow it to rule you.



And that's the question.

You can't force the man to work.

I think I might put him out. :look: I wouldn't ask for a divorce, but I'd tell him he's not welcome at home until he's willing to contribute to home. Whether that is him becoming househusband extrodianaire (assuming he has the skills), or if that is him getting some lil cheap job (which I know is hard in this economy) or if it's him helping out with one of his boys who has a side hustle mowing grass or painting or SOMETHING - if he's not contributing, he needs to be living somewhere else.

I'm really sorry about this - the whole situation gives me the :perplexed face.
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Justkiya- you said what I was thinking, but I didn't want to say that. Seperation isn't easy, but neither is this situation. And, if he's depressed as it's been suggested, would seperation make it worse?
 
ZeeOl'Lady said:
^^She can't.
Her children need her.

But, she could:
-cutt the cable off
-pawn that playstation (or X-box)
-stop buying snacks (like cookies, chips, juices, just foods that need to be cooked)
-Call the electric company and have them set the thermostat so he's not too comfy at all.
-Stop giving him money
- Stop buying him any extras (cigaretts, blacks, whatever)


Stop making him comfortable.
Click to expand...

Sounds good.:yep:
 
ZeeOl'Lady said:
Yes.
Does he have bad credit, a criminal history and/or problems with his lisence?
If not, then yes.
If he is TRYING and has one of the above, no.

It has been MY personal experience that a man who won't works is too idle.
There is an old saying that the devil works on the idle mind.
And, HONEY, you just don't know how true that is.
In many instances, where the woman is the sole breadwinner, the man feels emasulated, and the woman tends to resent him, leading him to find his masculinity in things like attending strip clubs and cheating with another woman who "makes him feel like the man"
Any woman with a man who won't work will also tell you he has cheated on her.

NO, I wouldn't.


Been there, done that and brought the t-shirt and jeans.
Click to expand...

Bad Credit...after 10 years of one steady income, we both have bad credit now...because for a long time we were making it by with the end of credit, which was masquerading how bad things were.

Criminal history/problem with license...No, did a background check on him before we go married to be safe.

I have not problems with him as far as cheating, but I do understand that he does have the need to feel his masculinity in other ways and it does come out in other ways...when it comes to make some decision, then he waves the man card, or leader...then my answer is how can you be the leader of the house if you are not the provider (then it gets ugly, and then he says that I am putting him down...) that's why I say that him not working cause other problems in the relationship. Also I would lie if I say I don't resent him :sad:.
 
It's easier said than done, but she REALLY REALLY needs to stop making him comfortable.
Without telling all my business, I was in the EXACT situation.
Honey, the Xbox got pawned, the Ipod got pawned, I stopped buying snacks, no more money for alcohol (beer) or clothes (for some reason, he still wanted to look good and aint have nowhere to go). I called the energy company and they adjusted my theromostat. It stayed 75 degrees (to save money)whether it was freezing or burning up, the cable got cut off (which forced him to buy a paper and actually make phone calls and apply in person), stopped buying movies, stopped giving him gas for his car, stopped paying the car note (it got re'poed, so I put air in his bike tires :) ), stopped paying his cell phone bill (forced him to make cold visits).
In general, I stopped supporting HIM.
 
natumer said:
It's ok, I am not trying to be sensitive on this subject. Sorry to be long, but here goes...

We got married young me 21 him 22. When we were dating, he had a job. However right before we got married, I got a job which I have been holding and being promoted in for the past 10 years. In that time, I finished my bachelors, got a masters, had 3 kids and still managed to hold a job.

I understand that without a degree it might be hard for him to find/keep a job, but at the same time you can't look at jobs without degrees as being beneath you if you don't do the work to get yourself educated.

Every time he gets a job, for whatever reason it doesn't work out (they let him go). He got into the real estate business (1-3 sales a year), but even in that area he only did business with family/friends and never really pushed himself to be successful even when things were good.

Now that the real estate market has gone down, he is not bringing in anything at all. I always carried the burden and left with figuring out how to keep us afloat. I am not doing it for him, I just can't stop paying for a roof over my kids head and my head, or getting food for our kids.

I have talked to him many times, and explain to him the stress of not having him work put on me, how that makes me feel about him (loss of respect, resentment, etc...) and anytime we argue I always feel it's about that for me.

I do have other issues with him, but that is the biggest one for me.
He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, more of a homebody than anything, no cheating. But I think all these things come as basics anyway, so I don't feel like he should get credit for these things. I feel like our roles are reversed and it's not good for either of us. When I talk to him he says he understand and will get a job, or sell some houses, go to school (which he finally did last year)...but these things do not materialize. I think he may be depressed (but he would never admit it), I don't know how to motivate him...I don't want to continue living this way.
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The bolded is why bro would be getting das boot...either to the therapist office or to the curb.

I have absolutely no empathy for folks who feel that some jobs are beneath them, particularly when they have done nothing to make themselves eligible for the types of jobs they think they deserve.

You gotta wife, you got kids...go out and do something - anything legal - to support them. Back in the day that's how most black men rolled because they had no choice...now some want to act like they're too good. Sorry, when you signed on for the family life you signed on to a working life doing whatever you can to support that family in my opinion.
 
It would be interesting to know how many of the folks who say, "Yeah, divorce him!" are married. That's not an easy thing to do. You are one with this person and it would be akin to cutting off a body part. I've seen my friends go through divorce and its enormously painful. Having said that, something does need to change. And based on your comments it sounds like both parties need to take part in the changing. This is the standard question but have you tried counseling? Do you have a pastor you can speak to? Sometimes it helps to have an intermediary facilitate the discussion and offer guidance. I would certainly suggest that you fight for your marriage in every way possible before you go the divorce route.
 
natumer said:
Bad Credit...after 10 years of one steady income, we both have bad credit now...because for a long time we were making it by with the end of credit, which was masquerading how bad things were.

Criminal history/problem with license...No, did a background check on him before we go married to be safe.

I have not problems with him as far as cheating, but I do understand that he does have the need to feel his masculinity in other ways and it does come out in other ways...when it comes to make some decision, then he waves the man card, or leader...then my answer is how can you be the leader of the house if you are not the provider (then it gets ugly, and then he says that I am putting him down...) that's why I say that him not working cause other problems in the relationship. Also I would lie if I say I don't resent him :sad:.
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I know.
I know.
I know.

"You need to submit to me" was what i heard which I followed w/ "You need to provide for me"
How YOU doing? :look:

Start saving.
Try cutting his "luxuries" and sweep the pleasantness of staying home away from him.
 
ZeeOl'Lady said:
It's easier said than done, but she REALLY REALLY needs to stop making him comfortable.
Without telling all my business, I was in the EXACT situation.
Honey, the Xbox got pawned, the Ipod got pawned, I stopped buying snacks, no more money for alcohol (beer) or clothes (for some reason, he still wanted to look good and aint have nowhere to go). I called the energy company and they adjusted my theromostat. It stayed 75 degrees (to save money)whether it was freezing or burning up, the cable got cut off (which forced him to buy a paper and actually make phone calls and apply in person), stopped buying movies, stopped giving him gas for his car, stopped paying the car note (it got re'poed, so I put air in his bike tires :) ), stopped paying his cell phone bill (forced him to make cold visits).
In general, I stopped supporting HIM.
Click to expand...


Sounds like a plan, did it work?
 
asuperwoman said:
Justkiya- you said what I was thinking, but I didn't want to say that. Seperation isn't easy, but neither is this situation. And, if he's depressed as it's been suggested, would seperation make it worse?
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For some men, separation makes it worse. For other men, it kicks them into high gear because they realize what they have to lose. I don't know which kind of fellow she's married to - the stubborn kind, or the kind who gives up.

:look: If nothing else, the nana would be cut off. He wouldn't be in my bed, either. :look: *sigh*

natumer said:
Bad Credit...after 10 years of one steady income, we both have bad credit now...because for a long time we were making it by with the end of credit, which was masquerading how bad things were.

Criminal history/problem with license...No, did a background check on him before we go married to be safe.

I have not problems with him as far as cheating, but I do understand that he does have the need to feel his masculinity in other ways and it does come out in other ways...when it comes to make some decision, then he waves the man card, or leader...then my answer is how can you be the leader of the house if you are not the provider (then it gets ugly, and then he says that I am putting him down...) that's why I say that him not working cause other problems in the relationship. Also I would lie if I say I don't resent him :sad:.
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:ohwell: I feel both of y'all right here.

I feel you, because you are right. You shouldn't pick and chose what parts of 'head of the house' you want to have - the 'right' to make the decision, without the 'responsibility' of at least partially providing or making a concerted effort to do so.

I feel him, at the same time, because I'm sure it does make him feel like you are putting him down by pointing out his failings - but if he's not making the effort to CHANGE those failings - what does he want you to do? Just suck it up? :look: Ignore the fact?

I would suggest not throwing it in his face, but I dont' know how to 'bring it to the forefront' without him feeling like you are throwing it in his face.

Have ya'll tried counseling? Church or secular?

What kind of household situation did he grow up in, can I ask?
 
ZeeOl'Lady said:
It's easier said than done, but she REALLY REALLY needs to stop making him comfortable.
Without telling all my business, I was in the EXACT situation.
Honey, the Xbox got pawned, the Ipod got pawned, I stopped buying snacks, no more money for alcohol (beer) or clothes (for some reason, he still wanted to look good and aint have nowhere to go). I called the energy company and they adjusted my theromostat. It stayed 75 degrees (to save money)whether it was freezing or burning up, the cable got cut off (which forced him to buy a paper and actually make phone calls and apply in person), stopped buying movies, stopped giving him gas for his car, stopped paying the car note (it got re'poed, so I put air in his bike tires :) ), stopped paying his cell phone bill (forced him to make cold visits).
In general, I stopped supporting HIM.
Click to expand...

You are right on and I agree.:yep:

Are your kids in daycare? If they are I would take them out and let them stay with daddy. Kids will sho nuff make a man want to go back to work.
 
dlewis said:
You are right on and I agree.:yep:

Are your kids in daycare? If they are I would take them out and let them stay with daddy. Kids will sho nuff make a man want to go back to work.
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Oh HECK YEAH!!!

That'll save a nice lil chunk of change, too. :yep:
 
dlewis said:
I wonder if he has any self value. Maybe he thinks he's worthless, IDK. I do know I've had to motivate Dh during a time when he was depressed. Pump him up and encourage him, be there, listen. It didn't last a long time though.
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I may get flack for this one, but I tend to be a motivator too. My bf graduated last year and hasn't found a job yet, but when I run across something, I'll either send it his way or take his resume and post it myself. Sometimes, when I do things like that, it encourages him to press on in this tough job market. Sometimes, he just gets down when doors close in his face. Of course, he's not a husband (but I want him to be), so this may not even apply, but thought I would try to add something...
 
dlewis said:
You are right on and I agree.:yep:

Are your kids in daycare? If they are I would take them out and let them stay with daddy. Kids will sho nuff make a man want to go back to work.
Click to expand...
The child is school aged.

But, a man with no inhibition will turn the tv on and sleep, and the child would be very poorly stimulated.
 
dlewis said:
You are right on and I agree.:yep:

Are your kids in daycare? If they are I would take them out and let them stay with daddy. Kids will sho nuff make a man want to go back to work.
Click to expand...


:lachen:now this is sooo true! My dh was laid off by no fault of his own when we first got married, i said - great, no more daycare. He was back to work in no time!
 
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