BellaLunie
New Member
Who would want to stay home with lukewarm water (got that adjusted too), no games to play, no heat, no snacks, just being able to hear the fish tank?
This is a serious thread but your posts have me
. I'm taking notes
Would you divorce your husband...
- Thread starter natumer
- Start date
This is a serious thread but your posts have me
. I'm taking notesSome people need extra help and no matter that we think a man should be they are still people with problems too. I have done the bolded for my husband.
PeanutButterandHoney
New Member
Then, when you are able to get the things cut back on, have HIM apply, pay the deposit and put them in HIS name.This is a serious thread but your posts have me
No need of it getting comfy again and he find another reason to quit.
Ladybelle
New Member
Who would want to stay home with lukewarm water (got that adjusted too), no games to play, no heat, no snacks, just being able to hear the fish tank?
I'm so sorry to laugh, but
That was a very smart move though, I would have never thought to do that.
IDK, maybe he's different with his children.
It's easier said than done, but she REALLY REALLY needs to stop making him comfortable.
Without telling all my business, I was in the EXACT situation.
Honey, the Xbox got pawned, the Ipod got pawned, (no gadget toys like that to pawn) I stopped buying snacks (I really carry only healthy foods for the kids, so no snacks to cut from), no more money for alcohol (beer) (he does not drink at all) or clothes (for some reason, he still wanted to look good and aint have nowhere to go) (he really doesn't buy new clothes). I called the energy company and they adjusted my theromostat (what about the kids). It stayed 75 degrees (to save money)whether it was freezing or burning up, the cable got cut off (which forced him to buy a paper and actually make phone calls and apply in person), stopped buying movies, stopped giving him gas for his car, stopped paying the car note (it got re'poed, so I put air in his bike tires), stopped paying his cell phone bill (forced him to make cold visits).
In general, I stopped supporting HIM.
Honey, the Xbox got pawned, the Ipod got pawned,
(no gadget toys like that to pawn)
I stopped buying snacks
(I really carry only healthy foods for the kids, so no snacks to cut from),
no more money for alcohol (beer)
(he does not drink at all)
or clothes (for some reason, he still wanted to look good and aint have nowhere to go)
(he really doesn't buy new clothes).
I called the energy company and they adjusted my theromostat (what about the kids? Plus he likes it cold)
Please don't think I am shooting down all your advice, it's just that I feel that my situation is not typical, because he is not typical...the usual things you have above, just don't apply here
He is not home all day anymore since he is now going to school (he goes full time and is out 9-5). Before last year, he used to be home with the kids, and was kind of a Househusband. He did clean and cook (cooking is still his responsibility). While I appreciated what he did at home, I did not want a house husband and I felt that he would help us more out of the home than at home...so he was not officially a house husband.
While I am thankful that he is going to school now, I feel like he should also work.
now this is sooo true! My dh was laid off by no fault of his own when we first got married, i said - great, no more daycare. He was back to work in no time!
My husband is a good father and would kill me for saying this. BUT he said the reason he was taking this current job (at the time) was so he could spend time with his children. NOW WE WERE PAYING $70 per week for one day of afterschool care. He was off at the time Tue - Fri and picked the kids up from daycare. I took them out of daycare and they were driving him crazy. He took on another job (so then he had two job- working everyday). I still didn't put them back in daycare. I told him he had to be home when the kids got off the bus because he really didn't need to take on an extra job when he did. But that job got us almost completely out of debt. So, I'm thankful
Ladybelle
New Member
Honey, the Xbox got pawned, the Ipod got pawned,
(no gadget toys like that to pawn)
I stopped buying snacks
(I really carry only healthy foods for the kids, so no snacks to cut from),
no more money for alcohol (beer)
(he does not drink at all)
or clothes (for some reason, he still wanted to look good and aint have nowhere to go)
(he really doesn't buy new clothes).
I called the energy company and they adjusted my theromostat (what about the kids? Plus he likes it cold)
Please don't think I am shooting down all your advice, it's just that I feel that my situation is not typical, because he is not typical...the usual things you have above, just don't apply here
He is not home all day anymore since he is now going to school (he goes full time and is out 9-5). Before last year, he used to be home with the kids, and was kind of a Househusband. He did clean and cook (cooking is still his responsibility). While I appreciated what he did at home, I did not want a house husband and I felt that he would help us more out of the home than at home...so he was not officially a house husband.
While I am thankful that he is going to school now, I feel like he should also work.
dang, just when I was getting hopeful that we had found a solution.
PeanutButterandHoney
New Member
OP, you have to find your threshold.
I said I would never share my personal info..but..and I'm sure that I will regret it
Mine was when I asked a social service agency to help me and they refused due to another adult living in the home, who wasn't disabled, but refused to work.
That's when I know I had to exercise MY options.
I said I would never share my personal info..but..and I'm sure that I will regret it
Mine was when I asked a social service agency to help me and they refused due to another adult living in the home, who wasn't disabled, but refused to work.
That's when I know I had to exercise MY options.
Honey, the Xbox got pawned, the Ipod got pawned,
(no gadget toys like that to pawn)
I stopped buying snacks
(I really carry only healthy foods for the kids, so no snacks to cut from),
no more money for alcohol (beer)
(he does not drink at all)
or clothes (for some reason, he still wanted to look good and aint have nowhere to go)
(he really doesn't buy new clothes).
I called the energy company and they adjusted my theromostat (what about the kids? Plus he likes it cold)
Please don't think I am shooting down all your advice, it's just that I feel that my situation is not typical, because he is not typical...the usual things you have above, just don't apply here
He is not home all day anymore since he is now going to school (he goes full time and is out 9-5). Before last year, he used to be home with the kids, and was kind of a Househusband. He did clean and cook (cooking is still his responsibility). While I appreciated what he did at home, I did not want a house husband and I felt that he would help us more out of the home than at home...so he was not officially a house husband.
While I am thankful that he is going to school now, I feel like he should also work.
I feel like he could work too.
PeanutButterandHoney
New Member
Honey, the Xbox got pawned, the Ipod got pawned,
(no gadget toys like that to pawn)
I stopped buying snacks
(I really carry only healthy foods for the kids, so no snacks to cut from),
no more money for alcohol (beer)
(he does not drink at all)
or clothes (for some reason, he still wanted to look good and aint have nowhere to go)
(he really doesn't buy new clothes).
I called the energy company and they adjusted my theromostat (what about the kids? Plus he likes it cold)
Please don't think I am shooting down all your advice, it's just that I feel that my situation is not typical, because he is not typical...the usual things you have above, just don't apply here
He is not home all day anymore since he is now going to school (he goes full time and is out 9-5). Before last year, he used to be home with the kids, and was kind of a Househusband. He did clean and cook (cooking is still his responsibility). While I appreciated what he did at home, I did not want a house husband and I felt that he would help us more out of the home than at home...so he was not officially a house husband.
While I am thankful that he is going to school now, I feel like he should also work.
Y do you feel he won't work?
What do YOU think?
Ladybelle
New Member
I agree. She worked didn't she? While being a mother, a wife, a student- why should it be any different for him?
I could see if this is what they agreed to,some couples will make this kinda arrangement where one works while the other is in school & vice versa until they are both in better positions, but it doesn't sound like the arrangement OP made.
Kimiche
Well-Known Member
This is a serious thread but your posts have me
Right, the part below had me cracking the heck up.stopped paying the car note (it got re'poed, so I put air in his bike tires
PeanutButterandHoney
New Member
OP, look for my pm
For some men, separation makes it worse. For other men, it kicks them into high gear because they realize what they have to lose. I don't know which kind of fellow she's married to - the stubborn kind, or the kind who gives up.
If nothing else, the nana would be cut off. He wouldn't be in my bed, either.
I feel both of y'all right here.
I feel you, because you are right. You shouldn't pick and chose what parts of 'head of the house' you want to have - the 'right' to make the decision, without the 'responsibility' of at least partially providing or making a concerted effort to do so.
I feel him, at the same time, because I'm sure it does make him feel like you are putting him down by pointing out his failings - but if he's not making the effort to CHANGE those failings - what does he want you to do? Just suck it up?
I would suggest not throwing it in his face, but I dont' know how to 'bring it to the forefront' without him feeling like you are throwing it in his face.
Have ya'll tried counseling? Church or secular?
What kind of household situation did he grow up in, can I ask?
Well that's the thing, I have learned that throwing it in his face when we are arguing is not helpful, but it's hard to find a way to discuss it productively. I will be talking to him about this again soon, that's why I wanted to talk to you ladies. I want to do it in a way that is productive, firm, motivating.
He grew up in a two parent household where both parents worked (still together and working) but the father was the prominent bread winner. He is bestfriend with his mom (I don't get along with her), he is reverent to his dad (to the point of avoiding any disagreements with him, he would say yes to him even when he does not agree).
That's different from my household, I have a two parent household (parents still married), may dad was the main provider, but my mom always took care of all of her needs and would never ask my dad for anything unless she really had to...I do see I am kind of like her, and I even see that eventhough my dad worked/work she will take care of all the household expenses without going to him...By the way he is a Doctor/she is a nurse. So I see how I carry some version of that in me.
Feel free to ask for anything, I am truly trying to be open and show a full picture here so I can get y'all perspectives. Thank you for all the inputs.
Vintageglam
New Member
I have read through the thread and just want to say to you OP - :hugs: I have been where you are before and it aint pretty. I was young (about 20/21) and foolish then and considerations such as who is bringing in the bacon don't come to the forefront of your mind. Fastforward 6 years and my "Musician" boyfreind (very talented and highly trained but very lazy concert level pianist) still hadn't moved forward. I had finished University (college), bought my first house, got a graduate placement (internship) at a professional services firm, made new freinds and he had not moved on. He didn't want to apply for other jobs as he thought they were beneath him and it meant he would be "cheating on his music". We also had "other issues" but for me this was one of the most significant.
So I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life at about 26/27 to move on. I could see that he was noot going to change because he didn't show any motivation to do so.
So OP the question you have to ask yourself if whether you think your DH want to move on. Now that I know you also have children I think you should give it one last try. However the impetus has to come from him. I think you both need marriage counselling. I also agree with a previous poster who said that he may be depressed. I also think that as the years have gone by he may have lost his way a-bit and felt that he has lost value bc you do everything? Maybe he doesn't feel needed or feel that he can make a difference any more.
It may also be time for him to re-skill "slowly" i.e. by doing a simple course to begin with to build his sense of achievement and pride. Also if he isn't working volunteering is a excellent way to fill the gaps in his CV and build self worth. I also think he should do a Kiersey Temperament (sp) test as those can be quite revealing not only as to personality fits but also motivation.
HTH's
So I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life at about 26/27 to move on. I could see that he was noot going to change because he didn't show any motivation to do so.
So OP the question you have to ask yourself if whether you think your DH want to move on. Now that I know you also have children I think you should give it one last try. However the impetus has to come from him. I think you both need marriage counselling. I also agree with a previous poster who said that he may be depressed. I also think that as the years have gone by he may have lost his way a-bit and felt that he has lost value bc you do everything? Maybe he doesn't feel needed or feel that he can make a difference any more.
It may also be time for him to re-skill "slowly" i.e. by doing a simple course to begin with to build his sense of achievement and pride. Also if he isn't working volunteering is a excellent way to fill the gaps in his CV and build self worth. I also think he should do a Kiersey Temperament (sp) test as those can be quite revealing not only as to personality fits but also motivation.
HTH's
Vintageglam
New Member
This is exactly as I thought. Some men to not respond to intimidation, threats and bullying. They know the storm will soon be over. All they need to do is sit tight and everything will be alright again. I really think the two of you need counseling. He SHOULD know that he is not the only one suffering and that he is putting you under pressure. However for the message to get through, it has to be said calmly, irrationally and not so highly charged with emotion. This is when men take women seriously IMHO. I am sure that my DH secretly just laughs when I go off the deep-end (Crazy Nigerian woman style), but when I calmly Real-Talk him he sh*ts his pants.
ALSO YOU HAVE TO LET HIM LEARN TO START TAKING CARE OF YOU. I think you may have picked up some habits from your mum.
ALSO YOU HAVE TO LET HIM LEARN TO START TAKING CARE OF YOU. I think you may have picked up some habits from your mum.
Last edited:
deltadreamland
Well-Known Member
mmmm...I wonder if you're my friend, but I don't think you are?
erplexed I'm in Atlanta too and one of my best friends is married to a man that has not HAD a job since we've been friends...going on 10 years. Sigh! He's not disabled, in his 30's, has worked before, but one day just decided that he'd remove himself from the workforce. Every time I see him I just want to SLAP him. 
ThatJerseyGirl
Well-Known Member
Hold up..lemme git dis right.....but FIRST, i GOTTA light a newport for dis hea bullshyt cuz somebody got da game phucked up.....*lights up a newport one hunnit n takes a sip of Henny straight to da head....*
It's real simple. Put him da PHUCK out. HE got da game all twisted chile...das it n das all. Imma tell u right now...he will be in school til its time for him to collect social security chile..... He knows what he's doin and he's got it too good. Bottom Line - HE'S PLAYIN YOU!!!!! You prolly buy all his clothes (u said he don't buy new clothes
erplexed), keep his hair cut, da whole nine. I don't care if he is ur husband, da hell kinda man is dat to let his woman carry da kids for 9 months, give birth to them, go to work, take care of kids, house and HIM??????? Nawww son. Put him out or you'll stress urself straight to da grave. The reason why he gets away with it is because YOU let him and he knows this. He knows you want the marriage so he's playin on it. I'm not saying divorce him, but YOU need to let him FEEL it rather than you telling him. He needs to FEEL the hardship. You can do bad all by yourself like you doin now. Drop the extra weight....i'm wif Zee's Ole Lady on dis one hea...She's tellin u the truth. It's only gonna get worse. Hell, if yall rentin, then I'd say move out while he at school so he can fend for himself. Otherwise, he'd hafta go. what kinda 'zample is he settin for the children, specially if you have a boy?
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Honey, the Xbox got pawned, the Ipod got pawned,
(no gadget toys like that to pawn)
I stopped buying snacks
(I really carry only healthy foods for the kids, so no snacks to cut from),
no more money for alcohol (beer)
(he does not drink at all)
or clothes (for some reason, he still wanted to look good and aint have nowhere to go)
(he really doesn't buy new clothes).
I called the energy company and they adjusted my theromostat (what about the kids? Plus he likes it cold)
Please don't think I am shooting down all your advice, it's just that I feel that my situation is not typical, because he is not typical...the usual things you have above, just don't apply here
He is not home all day anymore since he is now going to school (he goes full time and is out 9-5). Before last year, he used to be home with the kids, and was kind of a Househusband. He did clean and cook (cooking is still his responsibility). While I appreciated what he did at home, I did not want a house husband and I felt that he would help us more out of the home than at home...so he was not officially a house husband.
While I am thankful that he is going to school now, I feel like he should also work.
School is good...is he going with a goal in mind or just killing time?
Also, not to dissuade you but a little lesson I learned...
When I was young and dumb I lived with a guy for 8 years, helped put him through school because we were building our future together. The understanding was that I would work while he went to school since he had a partial basketball scholarship, then I would go to school and he would support me.
Well when the time came to flip the script, homeboy had all kinds of problems with me going back to school (I'm thinking it's because school would have exposed me to new people, new ideas which would have given him less control). Then when he got the work gig he wanted he didn't want to be with me because I reminded him of his struggling days...he wanted an upgrade.
He left me for some Ebony/Jet model he met in a club. Of course he came crawling back after a few months but I was done. And now have more education and a better job then he could ever dream of.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that living with a man who is up and coming, under achieving and/or unfulfilled can be hazardous to your long term relationship prospects. I think some men are weird that way. That's why I wouldn't let this situation go on too long. You're his safety woman and if and when he gets his life together he might rethink his commitment to you. Hope that doesn't sound harsh.
Last edited:
ThatJerseyGirl
Well-Known Member
I'm back...had to light me anotha one....
see, here is what i see happenin, and i could be wrong...
men are like dogs..they neva forget. so while you've been preachin to da choir about him not working and blah blah blah, his ego is bruised and broken. so, i got him finishin school, gettin on his feet and who knows what he'll do...he may wind up leavin u....think about it. u know him better than any of us do....but'r uh..i would phuck him before he do me...and das on da real..gotta look out for you and those chirren....
just my $0.02.
see, here is what i see happenin, and i could be wrong...
men are like dogs..they neva forget. so while you've been preachin to da choir about him not working and blah blah blah, his ego is bruised and broken. so, i got him finishin school, gettin on his feet and who knows what he'll do...he may wind up leavin u....think about it. u know him better than any of us do....but'r uh..i would phuck him before he do me...and das on da real..gotta look out for you and those chirren....
just my $0.02.
Thank you so much, your post is very informative. I came really close to a divorce about 3 years ago, we reconnected and decided to do everything we can to make this work. We talked through about everything that went on between us for the past 7 years where we had some bad experiences from both his part and my part (he did not want to do counselling). We decided to stay together then, but truthfully he has not changed enough (especially in the financial part).
I really don't know if he will ever change...some other woman might know how to motivate him and help him be the best that he can be...I guess I don't know how.
I know you guys might laugh, but he wants to be a doctor (he's studying biology now). He does see himself highly when he speaks of himself, so that's why the jobs he would qualify for now would be "beneath" him. (however, sometimes I think he speaks highly of himself to hide his insecurities and do not truly believe them). I do try to encourage him, it's just hard for me to believe in him anymore.
I gocha you, I think like that to sometimes, and hope that in the end I am not the fool...who knows what's in the future
Still Sexy Stewardess
New Member
I don't have any advice, OP. I just want to give you a hug. 
janaq2003
Well-Known Member
I have a coworker who dated a man for 5 yrs, he's been homeless for 4 of the 5 yrs (living with her) and they've been married x 1 yr. He got "laid off" a couple of weeks before they got married. He may have had a job for a grand total of 1.5 yrs out of those that they've been together. He doesn't want to work. Yeah, he has back issues but so what? My violin strings are broken and I have no sympathy. He has no problem playing video games all day and riding around and hanging out with his loser friends when the get off work. He doesn't even take out trash, clean etc. Scriptual grounds for divorce are adultery.
mmmm...I wonder if you're my friend, but I don't think you are?
Don't think you are?? don't recognize the kids LOL...but maybe
You are right on and I agree.
Are your kids in daycare? If they are I would take them out and let them stay with daddy. Kids will sho nuff make a man want to go back to work.
I have 3 girls now, one is in school the other still young. He ( and his mom) watched the first two when they were younger. He started school and is not home anymore so we do childcare for them now.
Similar threads
