Would you be concerned

[Kookookiwi]

If your (black) SO said he doesn't find non-black women more attractive than black women, but also doesn't find black women more attractive than non-black women?

In the past he has always had a preference for non-black women and once made the comment that someone was "cute for a black girl." He's adamant that being with my friend (black as well) has made him grow and he no longer sees black women that way. He claims he is now an "equal opportunity dater," but my friend (black) is still pretty torn up about it. I told her I'd prefer to be with a man who thinks I (and women who look like me) are the most beautiful creatures to ever walk the Earth, but what do you all think?

Would it be a deal breaker?

 

[Kookookiwi]

Oops. My bad mods please move to the Relationship forum! Allandra

 

[Xavier]

In reference to the first part you are saying that he believes all races of women are equally beautiful. I don't see anything wrong with this but I would prefer a man would favored black women.

The cute for a black women comment leads me to believe he is ignorant which is why it would be a deal breaker for me not because he has mostly dated non-black women before me.

 

[Kookookiwi]

In reference to the first part you are saying that he believes all races of women are equally beautiful. I don't see anything wrong with this but I would prefer a man would favored black women.

The cute for a black women comment leads me to believe he is ignorant which is why it would be a deal breaker for me not because he has mostly dated non-black women before me.

So your preference that he favored black women would not make you end it? Do you think you'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he no longer felt a black woman was cute for a black girl?

She's having a hard time seeing nothing wrong with his "equally beautiful" comment given the things he's said about black women in the past. Idk what to tell her because I can see why she'd feel that wayperplexed I don't think I could do it.

 

[janiebaby]

Wait, so he's had a preference for non-black women and she's black? I'm confused. If she's non-black then I can kinda understand?

 

[Gin&Tonic]

No of this would be a deal breaker for me. His past preference for non-white women, would have ensured that he and I had no deal to break. If I dated a man and witnessed him saying someone was "cute for a black woman", he would never see me again.

The world is full of men, I just don't understand the things my sisters put up with.

 

[Kookookiwi]

Wait, so he's had a preference for non-black women and she's black? I'm confused. If she's non-black then I can kinda understand?

She's the first black woman he's dated.. he did have sex with a black woman once. And yes he's a black man.

No of this would be a deal breaker for me. His past preference for non-white women, would have ensured that he and I had no deal to break. If I dated a man and witnessed him saying someone was "cute for a black woman", he would never see me again.

The world is full of men, I just don't understand the things my sisters put up with.

No deal to break if there was never a deal to begin with huh?

 

[HanaKuroi]

I would have told him to kiss my black behind. I wouldn't even have a conversation with a man that thinks like this. Puh-lease.

I can't see any mentions on my IPhone. PM me if it is a must see. Allons y

 

[naturalmanenyc]

It depends on the expectations for the relationship. I would not marry a guy who had such issues because he could wreck the self esteem of my would be daughter. I might date him at least until Valentine's Day if I didn't have 2-3 guys in rotation.

This presumes he just admitted this and she had no idea about his feelings when they started dating. If she did know, why did he become her SO?

 

[thatscuteright]

side eye @ a Black man saying that someone is "cute for a Black girl"

 

[CaraWalker]

i would not date a black man who not only had these issues but was stupid enough to go around talking about it. let's be real, a good chunk of us have issues with fighting for our space and self esteem in a world that has a lot of anti-black sentiments. i dont think theres anything wrong when someone has opinions about these backward beauty standards that intrude on us.

but im at a point in my life where i have made peace with the things i cannot change and i have to focus on building myself up. i have also accepted that for me trying to change anyone's mind is a waste of time and im not going to impress my views on other people or try to force them to see things my way. he sounds like someone who has not reached a similar place - still in a messy stage of fighting some bitter black women vs white women battle, and that would not be conducive to peace of mind for me. he could go spread that poison to someone else.

 

[Ogoma]

I would not have a problem with a man that believed all women of all races had equal levels of attraction. I don't like being patronized and stating all black women are more attractive than all non-black women is patronizing. There are gorgeous, average, and ugly of all races. I am better looking than a lot of non-black women, but I am sure there are non-black women prettier than me (somewhere) .

The second part of your comment is where the problem lies. The "pretty for a black girl" and just coming around to finding black girls attractive. That he feels that way is secondary to the fact he said that to her. That is an emotionally abusive man that is trying to mess with her esteem and keep her feeling small. She is already questioning what she knows she should do. He wants her to feel grateful he is with her. You should send her the 'you are worth loving' article and she should walk away now.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

Did he use the "cute for a black girl" phrase in front of her? What was her response if so?

As far him finding all races of women attractive, that wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker if outside of the context of him sayin the above.

 

[Kookookiwi]

It depends on the expectations for the relationship. I would not marry a guy who had such issues because he could wreck the self esteem of my would be daughter. I might date him at least until Valentine's Day if I didn't have 2-3 guys in rotation.

This presumes he just admitted this and she had no idea about his feelings when they started dating. If she did know, why did he become her SO?

She told me she hoped he had changed. She wants a serious relationship with him, but I'm not sure what he wants. I definitely think he's affecting her self esteem. She's needed far more emotional support from all of her friends lately.

I would not have a problem with a man that believed all women of all races had equal levels of attraction. I don't like being patronized and stating all black women are more attractive than all non-black women is patronizing. There are gorgeous, average, and ugly of all races. I am better looking than a lot of non-black women, but I am sure there are non-black women prettier than me (somewhere) .

The second part of your comment is where the problem lies. The "pretty for a black girl" and just coming around to finding black girls attractive. That he feels that way is secondary to the fact he said that to her. That is an emotionally abusive man that is trying to mess with her esteem and keep her feeling small. She is already questioning what she knows she should do. He wants her to feel grateful he is with her. You should send her the 'you are worth loving' article and she should walk away now.

This is why I wanted other opinions, because I know I can be a bit militant lol. I find black men to be the most attractive. It doesn't keep me from noticing or appreciating other races, but as a whole, I gravitate towards black men. So a man saying that and trying to date me would be a tough one. She's been going back and forth for so long, I can see it's wearing on her.

The worth loving article is a great idea. Thank you!

Did he use the "cute for a black girl" phrase in front of her? What was her response if so?

As far him finding all races of women attractive, that wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker if outside of the context of him sayin the above.

Yes, he said it in front her and their mutual (white) friends while they were all watching the Bachelor. There was one black contestant left and she was getting voted off and he said "Oh, she's cute for a black girl." It was some months before they began dating.

 

[Holla]

This is the perfect example of a woman jumping into a relationship with a guy she barely knows. It's her own fault, not his. He is entitled to think what he wants. She is not entitled to put up with it or to change him.

 

[biancaelyse]

Good luck to your friend.

I wouldn't date a man of any race that told me that I was cute for a black girl. That is pure ignorance. The additional fact that he almost exclusively has dated "others" would just seal the deal for me, black man or not.

I have always dated men that were very into me and found me attractive. I would never to try to sell myself to a guy or convince any man of my worth relative to Becky or some exotical. Too many other men out there black and other that can appreciate what I am as is.

 

[darlingdiva]

She told me she hoped he had changed. She wants a serious relationship with him, but I'm not sure what he wants. I definitely think he's affecting her self esteem. She's needed far more emotional support from all of her friends lately.

If she gets into a relationship with him, he will not change because he will have no incentive to change. The way that you allow others to treat you is a reflection of how you value yourself. If they get together, he is not going to treat her well because she will have already set a standard of devaluation for herself.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I have to say this, and it may sound hypocritical but I don't care. It's how I feel. It's one thing to date a man of another race who says he's an equal opportunity dater, or even a nonblack man who never thought about dating a black woman until he met one he liked. I don't have a problem with that because despite the rise of IR relationships all over the world, people tend to stick to their own. So no problem there.

However, it is pretty damn pathetic for a black man to basically have to be re-educated to find his own race of women attractive. It's one thing if he were to say he found all races of women beautiful, including black women. But his comment "she's cute for a black girl" indicates he has or had the mentality that black women as a group were unattractive. Nothing wrong with being drawn to another race of women. But to put your own race of women down indicates you have a real problem.

I wouldn't even entertain a man like that. I'd be worried about how this might affect any children we'd have.

 

[pre_medicalrulz]

Hmmm I dont know because I personally believe nothing can surpass a chocolate man & yet my fh is not black. But I dont think of him any less & he is still very much attractive to me. Guess I have to play devil's advocate & say she would be overreacting if she calls it off. *dont stone me ya'll*

 

[Mai Tai]

I don't understand...She wants to get into a relationship with someone who she is already hoping will change? Is she serious?

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I have to say this, and it may sound hypocritical but I don't care. It's how I feel. It's one thing to date a man of another race who says he's an equal opportunity dater, or even a nonblack man who never thought about dating a black woman until he met one he liked. I don't have a problem with that because despite the rise of IR relationships all over the world, people tend to stick to their own. So no problem there.

However, it is pretty damn pathetic for a black man to basically have to be re-educated to find his own race of women attractive. It's one thing if he were to say he found all races of women beautiful, including black women. But his comment "she's cute for a black girl" indicates he has or had the mentality that black women as a group were unattractive. Nothing wrong with being drawn to another race of women. But to put your own race of women down indicates you have a real problem.

I wouldn't even entertain a man like that. I'd be worried about how this might affect any children we'd have.

You basically took the words right out of my mouth lol!!

I have NO problem w/a man finding OTHER races of women attractive as well as black women. Shooooot...I find OTHER races of men attractive too!!

But to say: "Oh she's cute...for a BLACK girl...." is just downright disrespectful, RUDE, and just plain ignorant. I don't even say that about men of other races that I find attractive. Why would I say that about my OWN Race of men??


Anyway....I don't get a good vibe about him at ALL. Seems like he's so stuck on color/racial issues, and I'm sorry, but I couldn't date a guy like that. It's just way too much drama to bein a relationship with a man who has colorism issues. erplexed

 

[HanaKuroi]

It is the word "FOR" that bugs me.

You are a nice looking black woman.

You are nice looking FOR a black woman.

That FOR is so demeaning.

I can't see any mentions on my IPhone. PM me if it is a must see. Allons y

 

[Kookookiwi]

If she gets into a relationship with him, he will not change because he will have no incentive to change. The way that you allow others to treat you is a reflection of how you value yourself. If they get together, he is not going to treat her well because she will have already set a standard of devaluation for herself.

I don't understand...She wants to get into a relationship with someone who she is already hoping will change? Is she serious?

Well, he told her he had changed and no longer felt that way for a while, and eventually she agreed to give him a chance and entered the relationship. Now she's not sure. From talking with him he seems more aware, but he's not on her level yet and he's nowhere near where I think you should be as the SO of a racially conscious woman.

 

[Kookookiwi]

Hmmm I dont know because I personally believe nothing can surpass a chocolate man & yet my fh is not black. But I dont think of him any less & he is still very much attractive to me. Guess I have to play devil's advocate & say she would be overreacting if she calls it off. *dont stone me ya'll*

No I think your perspective is definitely needed. So if you were to compare your fh to other men, does he automatically start at a lower threshold? For instance because he's not black does he automatically start at a 5 and does it take more for him to seem attractive to you? My friend's SO is very adamant that he finds her beautiful and attractive, but I don't understand how he can when she's "just" a black girl. It's like if there was some regular other girl and my friend, does my friend automatically start lower than the other girl because she's not other?

I'd love for you to help explain it to me cause I don't get it lol.

 

[Prettymetty]

I dont associate with lames like him. His momma shoulda taught him better

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

It is the word "FOR" that bugs me.

You are a nice looking black woman.

You are nice looking FOR a black woman.

That FOR is so demeaning.

I can't see any mentions on my IPhone. PM me if it is a must see. Allons y

Yea...I don't particularly like that phrase either. I could never understand the phrases people say.... "oh, he's cute....for a ______ guy".... Or, "she's nice-looking, for a ________ girl".



Idk..it's just all dumb and an insult to me.

I don't like associating w/people like that. Why can't it just be the person is attractive....PERIOD??