Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over it?

Misshairdiva

Misshairdiva

Well-Known Member
My dh cheated on my for FIVE years with the same side chick and we've only been married for four years. Why is it when friends and family KNOW what happened all I keep hearing is " he's a nice guy I am sure ya'll can work it out" or " he loves you just forgive him" or " you two look so good together and he treats you so well":perplexed or "there's not going to be too many men like him around, he's a good man"

So WHY is it that I am supposed to turn the other cheek and act like all is well? Most of my friends and family are acting like I am the villian for wanting out!!!!!!!!!!!

Your thoughts plez?
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

I'm unsure of the answer to your question, but the first question that came to my mind after reading the first line of your post is: Why did you marry him to begin with if you knew about him cheating with the same chick???
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

I think a huge part of it is that it's a man's nature to have to strong sexual desires that drive them to cheat. Typically it is not deemed something that women would do, although times have REALLY changed. A man that doesn't cheat has made a conscious decision not to by staying away from the temptations that would enable such behavior, and also realizes what he would be sacrificing in his wife/partner. I do believe that the 80/20 rule is true. I think that as women we have to try and demonstrate that 20%, in excess of the 80%, as much as possible given that it is reciprocated.
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

Poohbear said:
I'm unsure of the answer to your question, but the first question that came to my mind after reading the first line of your post is: Why did you marry him to begin with if you knew about him cheating with the same chick???
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She didn't say she knew before they married. I assumed she found out later that it had actually been going on for a long time.
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

It sounds like you didn't know he was cheating on you all these years. Is that correct, OP?
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

I did NOT find out that he had aside chick until five years later, meaning a few months ago. I would not have married him KNOWING that he had been sleeping with someone else.
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

Poohbear said:
I'm unsure of the answer to your question, but the first question that came to my mind after reading the first line of your post is: Why did you marry him to begin with if you knew about him cheating with the same chick???
Click to expand...

I have to agree with this one... He pretty much did everything but tell you that he isn't committed to just you..
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

Misshairdiva said:
I did NOT find out that he had aside chick until five years later, meaning a few months ago. I would not have married him KNOWING that he had been sleeping with someone else.
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What do you truly want to do regarding your marriage?
 
I have heard this before. some Women tell other women that because they fear being man less, others think if a man is "good"he can geta pass on cheating. I don't subscribe.

Sorry OP (HUGS)

Sent from my DROIDX using DROIDX
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

Misshairdiva said:
I did NOT find out that he had aside chick until five years later, meaning a few months ago. I would not have married him KNOWING that he had been sleeping with someone else.
Click to expand...

Oh okay. I think when you said "same side chick" it made me think you knew. Sorry about that. This has got to be devastating. How did you find out? Did you catch him or did you get in contact with the side chick? And what are you going to do about your marriage?
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

I too have noticed that the women are expected to forgive a cheating spouse while the men are not. I say do what is best for you. If you still love him and you feel like counseling and time will work, then it may be worth a shot. If not, KIM. Your family and friends can't feel your pain so it is best that you do what is best for YOU in this situation. Good luck! :hug3:
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

Misshairdiva said:
Why is it when friends and family KNOW what happened all I keep hearing is " he's a nice guy I am sure ya'll can work it out" or " he loves you just forgive him" or "you two look so good together and he treats you so well":perplexed or "there's not going to be too many men like him around, he's a good man"
Click to expand...

That is just straight up shallow right there, and wrong, cause if he cheated on you for YEARS, he didn't treat you well at all. The other comments make it sound as if he ad a 'slip up' rather than carrying on a whole other relationship for years on end. But back to your question, people don't like to think that they've contributed to a split (in advice or actions), so they leave it to you to make the decision unaided. ('cept for here of course, we'll tell ya to leave his @ss quick):drunk:I saw
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

I am so, so sorry that happened to you, MHD. *big hug*

Your friends IRL probably encourage you to work it out because they don't want to feel responsible for you if you leave. Just My opinion. Phooey on what your friends think - whether they say stay or go.

The important thing is how YOU feel about it. What do YOU want to do? (And, what does HE want?) Is this a marriage worth saving? What's at stake here?
 
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Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

It sounds like these are the same people that would say Y'all should stay together if he were beating you too. They'd probably tell you it's your fault, you make him so mad, and if you knew how to cater to him better, he wouldn't get so mad at you.

Bottom line. It's easy to say whatever from the outside looking in, but i'm sure they'd be doing the same thing as you if they were being cheated on for 5 straight years.

I want to call them a big FOOL if they stayed with their 5 year cheating mate.. (but hey, different strokes for different folks, right?)
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

Because apparently a piece of a man is better than no man at all...or so insecure women think. I say do whatever will give you peace of mind in the long run. Hope the hurt goes away soon.
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

Zaynab said:
I'm sorry @nikkigill but all your posts regarding OP's situation makes no sense to me.

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My initial response was my answer to the thread question. What else wasn't clear?
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

That thought process is old as time. Almost as if it's expected that a man will cheat. Can't wrap my head around that. If a man doesn't want to be monogamous then don't get married - of course that's just IMHO.

I can't pick another woman's shade tree but my first question to myself would be is the marriage worth saving? Then I'd want to know from DH if he intends to cease and desist with the undesireable behavior. I'd pray on it and go from there.

I would never let what friends and family think factor into my decision.

So sorry you're even in the position to have to consider these questions.
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

nikkigill said:
My initial response was my answer to the thread question. What else wasn't clear?
Click to expand...

It was clear. It just didn't make any sense. I don't have time to explain why.


ETA: OP means Original poster
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

infojunkie said:
That thought process is old as time. Almost as if it's expected that a man will cheat. Can't wrap my head around that. If a man doesn't want to be monogamous then don't get married - of course that's just IMHO.

I can't pick another woman's shade tree but my first question to myself would be is the marriage worth saving? Then I'd want to know from DH if he intends to cease and desist with the undesireable behavior. I'd pray on it and go from there.

I would never let what friends and family think factor into my decision.

So sorry you're even in the position to have to consider these questions.
Click to expand...

And the bolded is your answer OP.....there are plenty of women who believe that a man can't be faithful to save his life so pretty much they cope and deal with his unfaithful behavior.


Newsflash: NOT EVERY MAN CHEAT AND WOMEN CHEAT AS MUCH AS MEN DO!!!
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

nikkigill

I believe Zaynab is talking about this post here:

nikkigill said:
I think a huge part of it is that it's a man's nature to have to strong sexual desires that drive them to cheat. Typically it is not deemed something that women would do, although times have REALLY changed. A man that doesn't cheat has made a conscious decision not to by staying away from the temptations that would enable such behavior, and also realizes what he would be sacrificing in his wife/partner. I do believe that the 80/20 rule is true. I think that as women we have to try and demonstrate that 20%, in excess of the 80%, as much as possible given that it is reciprocated.
Click to expand...

This post had nothing to do with the original post, but you may have been thinking about something else at the time you posted this reply or you may have posted it in the wrong thread... not sure.
 
Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

I really don't know??? I would be outraged as well. They want to be quick to tell you to forgive but if it were you that cheated (especially in that manner) these same people probably couldn't throw you under the bus fast enough!!!


I'm so sorry you are going through this.
 
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Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

I don't know why people would tell you to just get over it and move on. I think that you have to do what is right for you.

For me, I don't think I could deal with it. Forgiveness is a good thing and all, but I couldn't see myself giving him a pass for 5 yrs of deception. I would have a very hard time trusting my husband if he did this, since it was a pattern of behavior. I really think that if he would do that to me, that he doesn't deserve me in his life.

I don't understand why people have such huge double standards for men & women.

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. I know it must be very difficult. :bighug:
 
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Re: Why is it when the man cheats other people tell the woman to forgive and get over

I don't know why people do that. My ex cheated and his grandmother couldn't believe that I would give up on my marriage. She advised me to work it out. It was at that point I realized the real reason older couples stayed married so long.
 
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