SPINOFF: IS the other woman also to blame if a man cheats on his SO/WIFE?

[pisceschica]

Some of the opinions in the Lisa Bonet thread completely threw me for a loop. I heard some women sayin:

A) if a man is not married, hes fair game..... Ok um if a man is in a committed sexual realtionship hes still considered single?

and

B) the other woman has no obligations becuase she is not the one who made the commitment to the other woman.... Ok if u want to be technical, i guessssss that could fly, but i dunno if i know a man has a girlfriend or a fiancee, hes off the market in my eyes, i don't like to shareerplexed

Finally, my question to you guys is:

1) If a man is in a committed realtionship (girlfriend or fiancee), is he fair game?

2) Is the other woman a &$%#$#$ if she KNOWS that he has a SO and is still willing to get with him??

1. No he's not. I wouldn't show intrest in somone unless I would completely sure that I was the only one no gfs, fiances, wives, mistresses.

2. No I wouldn't blame the other woman even if she was close to me. I would just sever ties with her and my SO. As already stated she is not in the committed relationship with you your SO is. There's no such thing as taking someone's man

 

[TCatt86]

1. No he's not. I wouldn't show intrest in somone unless I would completely sure that I was the only one no gfs, fiances, wives, mistresses.

2. No I wouldn't blame the other woman even if she was close to me. I would just sever ties with her and my SO. As already stated she is not in the committed relationship with you your SO is. There's no such thing as taking someone's man

So true. Now the other woman has responsibility in allowing this man to cheat. But the man holds the brunt of the blame. He is the one that made the committment, he is the one that broke the vow. The other woman's actions are immoral and that's between her and her God. But she broke no committment to anyone. And if the man chooses to leave and be with the OW, well that has nothing to do with either woman. Men cheat because the want to, not because their wife or woman is doing something wrong. And they don't cheat because the OW is doing something better. They cheat because they can, because we allow it. I know from experience, if I had broken up with my ex the first time he cheated I would have saved myself a whole lot of heartache. Off topic: But I hate when the OW is like "if she would have been doing her job he wouldn't have left" Whatever!!

 

[carcajada]

ITA that it is the other woman's responsibility to get to know the man she is with. However, many people lie. I have a friend that was with a man for over 2 years and it was only at his college graduation when she met his girlfriend that she discovered she was the "other woman". They were together all of the time even on holidays. I myself had an ex and we shortly started dating again. He told me that he was just w/ me, but due to further research (and I always do research) I discovered that I was also the "other woman" and ended it, luckily it was before anything serious happened. It happens...

Your experience shows why I still can't buy the excuse the other woman gives about the husband lying. If you can do it, then other women can. They should find out and confirm what the husband says to them.

Women would be surprised at how easy it is to find out the truth about someone if they just tried to do it isntead of taking everything the man says as the gospel truth.

 

[freshlikemoi]

As someone who has been cheated on by someone I love very much....I don't think it is fair game for a dude to cheat if he is not married. A faithful relationship leads to marraige...I'm just baffled of the notion that a man is fair game if he is not married.erplexed

 

[Extremus]

As someone who has been cheated on by someone I love very much....I don't think it is fair game for a dude to cheat if he is not married. A faithful relationship leads to marraige...I'm just baffled of the notion that a man is fair game if he is not married.erplexed

That's what I'm saying!! I mean, before you get married you're suppose to be together for a while, right? Until the marriage, you'll be cool with him cheating because "its fair game"?! You're suppose to marry him right off the back or what? I'm not gettin it nono:

 

[Suerte]

It's not a perfect world.

We're volunteering to break allllllllll the rules God himself laid out but when someone breaks one of OUR rules, we are up in arms. Unmarried, living together with a child from a previous relationship, living in sin and lusting after other people, then someone cheats and it's "Ohhhhhh even though we're not married he needs to follow all the rules married couples follow so that I CAN marry him."

Uhm. No. Reality check. Things don't work that way.

(I'm not Christian...but I notice a lot of the complaints about sexual infidelity and cheating and relationship drama seem to come from practicing Christians. I can understand better if maybe someone said they are not a practicing Christian but um... if you're gonna break all the rules your Father has set out for you and smack Him in the face with your day to day behavior... what do you expect to happen? Generic you.)

This is NOT to say that married people don't cheat and endure heartache, cuz goodness knows, they do. But I'm saying that it is unrealistic for you yourself to be breaking 99 out of 100 rules... and then the man you are fornicating and sinning with and smacking God in the face with at each opportunity you get breaks 1 of 100 rules and there is some humongous problem.

Yes it is WRONG and HURTFUL that men choose to cheat on us when we are doing everything right (inside our totally WRONG lifestyles). Yes, we should ALL be faithful and stop the spread of heartbreak and disease and drama and pain. But it doesn't happen that way all the time.

Dating = At will employment. You can get fired at the drop of a dime, other employees can be brought in without your consent, you are owed no explanation what so ever. You may or may not get benefits depending on if the boss feels like giving them to you. You can choose to drop out of high school and just settle for the drive thru window. You MIGHT get lucky and work your way up to manager, but you will never be General Manager. You might have a decent and happy life at manager, though. If you like it, I love it but stop complaining.

Marriage = Tenure + Benefits Package + Licensing + Social Accountability + just cause needs to be shown to cancel it. You sacrificed, worked hard, learned your lessons, and now you have a commitment recognized by the law, the land, and the people. You can only screw this up if you picked the wrong university or if you lied and cheated your way into the position. If you like it, I love it and behave in a way appropriate to uphold your department's mission statement.

I have relationship issues (not due to cheating but due to a workaholic who's mother runs his life) and I had to have a reality check myself.

I also know that there are certain things I would NEVER do for a man unless he was my husband. Don't you think that men have certain things they would NEVER do for a woman unless she was his wife?

 

[JFemme]

It's not a perfect world.

We're volunteering to break allllllllll the rules God himself laid out but when someone breaks one of OUR rules, we are up in arms. Unmarried, living together with a child from a previous relationship, living in sin and lusting after other people, then someone cheats and it's "Ohhhhhh even though we're not married he needs to follow all the rules married couples follow so that I CAN marry him."

Uhm. No. Reality check. Things don't work that way.

(I'm not Christian...but I notice a lot of the complaints about sexual infidelity and cheating and relationship drama seem to come from practicing Christians. I can understand better if maybe someone said they are not a practicing Christian but um... if you're gonna break all the rules your Father has set out for you and smack Him in the face with your day to day behavior... what do you expect to happen? Generic you.)

This is NOT to say that married people don't cheat and endure heartache, cuz goodness knows, they do. But I'm saying that it is unrealistic for you yourself to be breaking 99 out of 100 rules... and then the man you are fornicating and sinning with and smacking God in the face with at each opportunity you get breaks 1 of 100 rules and there is some humongous problem.

Yes it is WRONG and HURTFUL that men choose to cheat on us when we are doing everything right (inside our totally WRONG lifestyles). Yes, we should ALL be faithful and stop the spread of heartbreak and disease and drama and pain. But it doesn't happen that way all the time.

Dating = At will employment. You can get fired at the drop of a dime, other employees can be brought in without your consent, you are owed no explanation what so ever. You may or may not get benefits depending on if the boss feels like giving them to you. You can choose to drop out of high school and just settle for the drive thru window. You MIGHT get lucky and work your way up to manager, but you will never be General Manager. You might have a decent and happy life at manager, though. If you like it, I love it but stop complaining.

Marriage = Tenure + Benefits Package + Licensing + Social Accountability + just cause needs to be shown to cancel it. You sacrificed, worked hard, learned your lessons, and now you have a commitment recognized by the law, the land, and the people. You can only screw this up if you picked the wrong university or if you lied and cheated your way into the position. If you like it, I love it and behave in a way appropriate to uphold your department's mission statement.

I have relationship issues (not due to cheating but due to a workaholic who's mother runs his life) and I had to have a reality check myself.

I also know that there are certain things I would NEVER do for a man unless he was my husband. Don't you think that men have certain things they would NEVER do for a woman unless she was his wife?

Whoasaaa.....Gotta be the best definition I've seen in a bit !

*toast to YOU, Chica !*

 

[divya]

The man is to blame. However, if she is aware that he is in a committed relationship, then yes, she is to blame as well.

 

[divya]

It's not a perfect world.

We're volunteering to break allllllllll the rules God himself laid out but when someone breaks one of OUR rules, we are up in arms. Unmarried, living together with a child from a previous relationship, living in sin and lusting after other people, then someone cheats and it's "Ohhhhhh even though we're not married he needs to follow all the rules married couples follow so that I CAN marry him."

Uhm. No. Reality check. Things don't work that way.

(I'm not Christian...but I notice a lot of the complaints about sexual infidelity and cheating and relationship drama seem to come from practicing Christians. I can understand better if maybe someone said they are not a practicing Christian but um... if you're gonna break all the rules your Father has set out for you and smack Him in the face with your day to day behavior... what do you expect to happen? Generic you.)

This is NOT to say that married people don't cheat and endure heartache, cuz goodness knows, they do. But I'm saying that it is unrealistic for you yourself to be breaking 99 out of 100 rules... and then the man you are fornicating and sinning with and smacking God in the face with at each opportunity you get breaks 1 of 100 rules and there is some humongous problem.

Yes it is WRONG and HURTFUL that men choose to cheat on us when we are doing everything right (inside our totally WRONG lifestyles). Yes, we should ALL be faithful and stop the spread of heartbreak and disease and drama and pain. But it doesn't happen that way all the time.

Dating = At will employment. You can get fired at the drop of a dime, other employees can be brought in without your consent, you are owed no explanation what so ever. You may or may not get benefits depending on if the boss feels like giving them to you. You can choose to drop out of high school and just settle for the drive thru window. You MIGHT get lucky and work your way up to manager, but you will never be General Manager. You might have a decent and happy life at manager, though. If you like it, I love it but stop complaining.

Marriage = Tenure + Benefits Package + Licensing + Social Accountability + just cause needs to be shown to cancel it. You sacrificed, worked hard, learned your lessons, and now you have a commitment recognized by the law, the land, and the people. You can only screw this up if you picked the wrong university or if you lied and cheated your way into the position. If you like it, I love it and behave in a way appropriate to uphold your department's mission statement.

I have relationship issues (not due to cheating but due to a workaholic who's mother runs his life) and I had to have a reality check myself.

I also know that there are certain things I would NEVER do for a man unless he was my husband. Don't you think that men have certain things they would NEVER do for a woman unless she was his wife?

Well said, you need to coin that!!!

 

[Crissi]

THIS IS THE TRUTH ITA 110%

The man and the other woman are two sides of the same street!!!! A man is not fair game if he is in a committed, exclusive relationship! Yes, a woman is a tramp/****** if she knows the guy has a SO.

I'm not into sharing but it seems like a lot of people are these days!!!!!!! Tramps,
dawgs, and committed people alike!!!

 

[syze6]

Tell it, Shimmie!!!!

I'm very aware of how I treat other people because I'm a firm believer in karma. When you do wrong, it ALWAYS comes back on you. Sometimes in ways that you don't even see coming, ways that don't have anything to do with the original situation.

This is the truth! I cheated on a guy in college with this guy. My guy had graduated and I was still in school. Hooked up with this other guy who was still attending and he was the absolute worst!

I cheated once on my guy and I got cheated on several times with the otner guy and got an STD! That is KARMA for your a$$!! People don't believe that when that boomarang come back around, it won't be the same recognizable one you throw out. It will be on a whole other level with some additives!! TRUST!!

 

[syze6]

I think it's sad that family put up with relatives bring their other women, other men around. My family knows if you are cheating, you better hope I don't find out.

I can't allow that around my kids and up in my home where I pray and the Holy Spirit resides. That's just to toxic.

My husband has a friend that has been cheating with this laday. He had a live-in then and she is his wife now. He is still messing with the other woman and when he sees my husband he asked him for a ride. So my husband is dropping another woman's husband off over this woman's house. He thinks if the wife finds out and gets mad, it should not be toward him for being a friend. I lit into him like a mad woman! If you can do that, that speaks volume about your charcter and what marriage means to you!

I had a gf ask me to go buy a gift for this married guy she was seeing before and after he got married. She couldn't get off work and asked me to pick up a Christmas gift for him. I told her, I'll never buy another woman's husband something from another woman. I told her to miss me with that BS!!

 

[syze6]

Although I believe the man in the relationship holds the most responsibility when it comes to infidelity, I think if a woman knowingly gets involved with a man who has a significant other, she is a whore with low morals and no self esteem. However if the woman did not have knowledge that the man she was seeing had a significant other then that is a different story.

There are too many available men out there to get involved with one that is already in a relationship. I never understood how the “other woman” can rationalize being involved with someone, especially a married man. As adults we have the responsibility to conduct herself in a certain way and I think people aren’t held accountable for their low morals and the pain they cause as a result of their illicit affair.

There was an article in essence awhile back about women who were considered the “other” woman and to be completely honest I was very disgusted at how they justified breaking up families and causing conflict in the marriage. Although the man has the responsibility not to cheat, I think the woman has power to walk away regardless of how charming or well of the man is. Then again there are some gutter broads out there who simply do not care if the man they are seeing has a significant other.

I think I have that issue, where it was 5 confessions of the other woman. I found it insulting that they thought they wer schooling someone. In each article they shared what THEY did for the men. How THEY met all the men's need! The idiots not once said what was given back to them. It was all about catering to his every whim, something the wife or girlfriend doesn't do.

I am married and I don't cater to my husband's every whim! Now what! LOL!

 

[tylertown]

The man and the other woman are two sides of the same street!!!! A man is not fair game if he is in a committed, exclusive relationship! Yes, a woman is a tramp/****** if she knows the guy has a SO.

I'm not into sharing but it seems like a lot of people are these days!!!!!!! Tramps,
dawgs, and committed people alike!!!

D*M! What she said.
When we married he knew he'd see someone he's attracted to. me to. but i won't touch. and he's better not either. that woman don't own she ****. but his arse do and he'd better recognize cuz i don't have time for the b*llsh*t

 

[tylertown]

I think I have that issue, where it was 5 confessions of the other woman. I found it insulting that they thought they wer schooling someone. In each article they shared what THEY did for the men. How THEY met all the men's need! The idiots not once said what was given back to them. It was all about catering to his every whim, something the wife or girlfriend doesn't do.

I am married and I don't cater to my husband's every whim! Now what! LOL!

Because there as so many avail black men (and this is because many have failed as men) they can sometimes play mind games with women.

i'm not the one.

if he wants to control someone buy a d*m parrot and tell HIM what to do.

I have my own life and he has his. I'm not going to lose myself trying to please him.

I try to be a good wife but its my DUTY to please Jesus! And he's no where near my savior!

Ladies smarten up! Be a good mate but don't play into the game....
"She wasn't doing this...that...that you wouldnt ..."
"....you weren't taking care of home..."
"....I took care of his needs......"
"....you weren't a good wife honey i took your place...."

I can stop ALLLL that b*llsh*t. With this. You are a grown arse mf man. If you cheat negro it's on you. She is a grown arse woman. If she cheats with you God will whip dat ***.

And he'll whip yours to.

Now THATS the REAL game. All that other worrying about "oohhhh did I wipe his butt right when he came off the toilet bowl?" just ain't called for.

Be a good wife as you'd like him to be a good husband.

But all dat otha sh*t? Huh! 20 yrs later he'll be done left yo *** gone with another woman and you'll be sittin there wining saying....

"....but I wiped his *** when he got up (booo whooooo)"

 

[TCatt86]

I agree with your whole post. Women need to realize they didn't do anything wrong. If a man cheats it's because he wants to, not because the other woman is doing anything special!!!

 

[nappystorm]

*Didn't read, just answering*
I've been on both sides of the fence (when I was younger). I've never blamed the OW and I've never believed that the OW is the one who made the advances (a common lie) when he gets caught. Also, in *my*experience, it's usually not the woman who pursues the relationship (as we like to seem to think) it's the man and the woman is too weak or don't care to say "no".

 

[LBoogie]

The other woman is ONLY to blame if she KNOWS she is the other woman...and even then, I'd consider her 20% responsible. The man who is IN the relationship is the one who has is supposed to be faithful.

 

[Chriselle83]

I'm in the minority but...

I don't hold marriage and dating in the same light. I think dating is fair game. If the man is mature and respectful, he'll let you go if his interest start to wander...

Of course many dont, but as a previous poster pointed out, that's why dating should be a time to get to know each other, free from sexual relations. When you cross over into that type of relationship things aren't the same and of course you feel wronged if a man cheated on you when you share such an intimate connection.

Now if it is a married man and he cheats, I blame them both. More him because its HIS relationship, but her too if she knew and actively pursued it. There are a lot of miserable women in the world that don't mind dragging married men and their families into mess. Too bad there are so many weak/loser men who fall for the ego boost- or even chase it.

This is JMO, not stating it to start a debate.

 

[syze6]

They BOTH are wrong, regardless who took the vows. If the OW knows of such vows life will deal her her own cards, just as well as him. These OW are foolish to think it won't but if they live long enough, they will be repaid in full too!

 

[syze6]

Tell it, Shimmie!!!!

I'm very aware of how I treat other people because I'm a firm believer in karma. When you do wrong, it ALWAYS comes back on you. Sometimes in ways that you don't even see coming, ways that don't have anything to do with the original situation.

You better say it! Pay back shows up in many forms. It's too easy to wait for what you dished out to come back! It will show up in your life in a whole different situation and people better recognize. I'm not saying what I heard..I'm a living witness...okay!

The problem is that women are too competitive with each other. They get off on "winning" against each other. If you are F****** someone's husband, you're not winning anyways. Put both of you together and You both wear the loser sign to me. I don't EVER subscribe to the other woman is not to blame, it indeed takes two to tangle. So we won't exclude the wrath from the other. It it took two then two are to blame...PERIOD!! That whole I'm not in the relationship crap just helps them sleep at night!

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

Both are to blame, especially if the OW or OM knows the person is married. I know if I broke up a marriage, I would NOT consider myself blameless, if I knew he was married. There is a woman or man at home thinking everything is ok, while you are “do-ing” their spouse.

ETA: If you do not know they are married, then that's another story. Ask if someone is married. If they lie, well ... then no, you are not to blame. You just better hope the wife doesn't have a belt and a bottle of baby oil waiting for you when you get out of the shower .... lol

 

[Taliah]

I think they're both wrong, but do yall really believe that a woman is not capable of robbing you blind, taking everything you worked for...your man.
A woman can steal another woman's husband. It happens everyday.

 

[nappystorm]

You better say it! Pay back shows up in many forms. It's too easy to wait for what you dished out to come back! It will show up in your life in a whole different situation and people better recognize. I'm not saying what I heard..I'm a living witness...okay!

The problem is that women are too competitive with each other. They get off on "winning" against each other. If you are F****** someone's husband, you're not winning anyways. Put both of you together and You both wear the loser sign to me. I don't EVER subscribe to the other woman is not to blame, it indeed takes two to tangle. So we won't exclude the wrath from the other. It it took two then two are to blame...PERIOD!! That whole I'm not in the relationship crap just helps them sleep at night!

I don't subscribe to the whole "winning" thing either. WTH have you won (this goes for wifey as well)? A cheater? erplexed. I've never viewed the person who ends up with a cheating man as the winner.

 

[Princess4real]

You better say it! Pay back shows up in many forms. It's too easy to wait for what you dished out to come back! It will show up in your life in a whole different situation and people better recognize. I'm not saying what I heard..I'm a living witness...okay!

The problem is that women are too competitive with each other. They get off on "winning" against each other. If you are F****** someone's husband, you're not winning anyways. Put both of you together and You both wear the loser sign to me. I don't EVER subscribe to the other woman is not to blame, it indeed takes two to tangle. So we won't exclude the wrath from the other. It it took two then two are to blame...PERIOD!! That whole I'm not in the relationship crap just helps them sleep at night!

Good post!

 

[brownelovely]

1) If a man is in a committed relationship (girlfriend or fiancee), is he fair game?

No, he's not technically speaking. He's not married but he has someone so anyone that travels down that road is in line for drama with a side of h.a.m on the side. Some women actually think that "winning" or "stealing" a man away is a thrill. My ex-bff is a woman that thinks like this. She never has her own man, she's always trying to seduce someone else's...get's used and left for trash. Then wonders why no one wants her


2) Is the other woman a &$%#$#$ if she KNOWS that he has a SO and is still willing to get with him??

Yes. Why would any woman get herself into the middle of someone's relationship and expect for everything to work itself out? If it's meant to be, then that man will be there AFTER he's divorced or w/o an SO so that he really is fair game.

As I said in the first answer...women that feel the need to compete or engage in activities with a man that can't even wait until the inks dry or wait until the ex's side of the bed is cold (bear with me ) is a warning sign to me...meaning he'll jump into anything without being rational.

 

[MzLady78]

I think they're both wrong, but do yall really believe that a woman is not capable of robbing you blind, taking everything you worked for...your man.
A woman can steal another woman's husband. It happens everyday.

Actually, I don't. Unless she put a gun to his head, he went willingly.

There's always gonna be temptation, there's always gonna be someone more beautiful, more willing to do X, Y and Z, whatever. But ultimately, it's up to him to decide if he wants to find out if the grass is really greener.

 

[Missi]

Maybe, depends on how much i want him...

I picked this one...because in high school...I dated my ex for 4 years...somewhere around the 3rd year...we broke up (over something I can't remember of course) but when he started dating someone else....it just didn't seem right..or natural for us not to be together. EVEN THOUGH...HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND...I KNEW HIM AND I WERE MET TO BE. we both apologized for being idiots and got back together. If its a stranger...he's not available...but if its someone you know and love and realized that yall belong together...AND THE FEELING IS MUTUAL....get ya man. Lol.