When men cheat, is it the woman's fault?
- Thread starter gone_fishing
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aja1121
Well-Known Member
Re-read guys... I did say there is still no reason to cheat... however, not fulfilling your man (or in a man's case, his woman's needs) sets the stage for them to do so... it may not even be the partner's original intent but it winds up turning into cheating.... the book gave examples and I'll paraphrase to demonstrate the theory....
1) man cheats on woman:
Man has a strong desire to go to sporting events, would love his lifepartner, his wife, to join him. Wife hates sports, wife refuses to come. Urges husband to go to sporting events without her. Husband goes. Single woman who loves sports befriends him. Single woman and husband begin to bond on strictly friendly basis. Because wife is not doing what single woman will, husband starts to look forward to time spent with single woman at sporting events and bond begins to strengthen beyond sports, into friendship, into fondness, into caring....on and on and on... eventually cheating. When his desire intially was to share this experience with his wife.
2) woman cheats on man:
Husband loves wife and wife husband. Husband has been taught that to be a good husband/father, he is to be a provider. Husband works like a Hebrew slave. Doesn't spend time with his wife and family, but believes since he's providing financially, he's doing "his part". Husband isn't affectionate with wife. Wife feels lonely and abandoned. Co-worker, just friendly guy, is known for draping his arm around people as he talks to them, men and women alike. One day, coworker drapes arm around wife, giving her a squeeze. Wife feels wonderful. Keeps looking forward to this man's touch... and begins developing feelings whcih eventually lead to cheating... if husband were to meet her needs intially, there wouldn't have been that problem.
The book doesn't say cheating is right. It's not ever right. But the cheater is OFT times pushed in the direction of cheating, if their partner isn't meeting their needs.
HTH.
YES!!!!!!!!!
. I think it is human nature. You really don't want to end the relationship because only 10 or 20% isn't met. I'm not saying it is right, but this is why people don't leave. I know a lot of women who dipped out in similar circumstances (most of the time intimacy) and it actually made their relationships better
(ironic).When folks do things they know are wrong, and blame it on another person - that's a sign of emotional immaturity.
A man cheats because he felt like it. And it's not anyone else's fault but his.
Now what lead him to cheat is a different thing. The truth is, men are sexual creatures. Whether we like it or not, that's how they are. Just as we are emotional creatures. We tend to cheat when emotional intimacy is gone, men tend to cheat when sexual intimacy is gone.
If you want to keep a person around you've got to be able to address their needs or at least discuss the issue. And using sex as a bargaining tool is not healthy either.
I hate to say this, but sometimes when I'm around some married women, I can see why men cheat. Some women have children and start to treat their husband as another child. Some women have children become 100% engrossed in their children and lose sight of themselves as individuals - and this becomes a turn-off to a lot of men.
I hate to quote "Beyaki" but
You need a real woman in your life
That's a good look
Taking care, home is still fly
That's a good look...
A man cheats because he felt like it. And it's not anyone else's fault but his.
Now what lead him to cheat is a different thing. The truth is, men are sexual creatures. Whether we like it or not, that's how they are. Just as we are emotional creatures. We tend to cheat when emotional intimacy is gone, men tend to cheat when sexual intimacy is gone.
If you want to keep a person around you've got to be able to address their needs or at least discuss the issue. And using sex as a bargaining tool is not healthy either.
I hate to say this, but sometimes when I'm around some married women, I can see why men cheat. Some women have children and start to treat their husband as another child. Some women have children become 100% engrossed in their children and lose sight of themselves as individuals - and this becomes a turn-off to a lot of men.
I hate to quote "Beyaki" but
You need a real woman in your life
That's a good look
Taking care, home is still fly
That's a good look...
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What about the man who doesn't satisfy his woman?? I wouldn't give him the time of day, I rather be the one sneaking on him as I please. I try to cater his desire, but at the same time, he's my man, and if he doesn't understand that he knows exactly what to do.
You've got a good point. This thread is all about men cheating about women - as if women don't cheat on men. We do, and according to the numbers we're starting to outpace the men.
It's about needs and wants. When you're needs are being met you WANT to get them fulfilled - and folks will not hesitate to head outside the bounds of a relationship to get what they want.
It's no different than the career. When you're career hits a roadblock, you'll sit at work doing one job, but be all up on monster looking for another. Relationships are NO different.
Why not just leave?? For the same reason why you don't QUIT FIRST and then look for a new job - because sometimes there's too much at stake to take a clean break.
I'm not saying I support it, at all - because I personally believe cheating is one of the most disrespectful things you can do in a relationship - but I UNDERSTAND why it happens, in some relationships.
TCatt86
Well-Known Member
^^^^ ITA. The job analogy really does a good job of explaining it. If you are unsatisfied with your job, you will look for another one, go one interviews and such. All without you current employer being privy. Even if you are offered a new job you don't leave because you have so much invested, 401K, IRA, health insurance,etc. Just like a relationship. If you aren't happy you are going to search elsewhere for your happiness. And this may not involve cheating, it could be spending an excessive amount of time with your friends as opposed to you spouse, shopping, drinking, gambling, reading whatever. But if you find another person you aren't necessarily going to leave, because you have invested so much into the relationship. Whether it be time, money, kids. Whatever. I know that's why I didn't break up with my ex, even though I cheated. It's not right, but that's how it is sometimes.
gone_fishing
New Member
People are like monkeys. They do not let go of one branch until they grab ahold of another one.
I strive to be above that of a monkey.
I strive to be above that of a monkey.
Spidergul
Well-Known Member
Not sure who Beyaki is, but sometimes this does happen. And then by the time the children are older, they have both moved on.
Is it the womans fault that her husband cheats because she is taking care of the children, the house i.e. cooking, finances, cleaning etc and has a full time job outside of the home? Sometimes she is just tired.
erplexedJust singing it doesn't make it so.
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
We only have control over ourselves. So if dude cheats its his fault. However, it is a womans fault for knowingly choosing to continue a relationship with a serial cheater.
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
When a man cheats with a woman who doesn't know about his other relationship, it's his fault.
When a man cheats with a woman who knows that he is involved with someone else, but decided to mess with him anyway, BOTH the man and woman that he's cheating with are at fault.
When a man cheats with a woman who knows that he is involved with someone else, but decided to mess with him anyway, BOTH the man and woman that he's cheating with are at fault.
tthreat08
New Member
Cheating is a symptom to some other problem....choosing to cheat as a result of some other problem is still a choice. The problem may rest between the couple, or it may rest with the cheater. Cheating however is never justifiable. There are other options....like aggressive attemots to resolve the underlying issues, prayer,and for extreme cases....divorce. Yep, divorce is certainly an option if you slip up and marry a fool. Yes, you can leave.
AllAboutMoi
Active Member
If a man cheats it is his fault unless the woman held a firearm to his head. If it were a serious relationship I would leave before I intentionally hurt a person that I care about.
Bliss806
Member
I believe that cheating could have something to do with the other person possibly however that doesn't justify it. And when a man cheats it isn't always because they are lacking something in the relationship. I think they just can't be satisfied. Of course in any relationship no one is 100% the perfect mate. I do believe that if you aren't happy with a person or if you feel as though you want to be with another individual that you should end the relationship and just be single instead of being in a monogomus relationship because in the end the other persons heart is going to be broken.
Monigirl
New Member
Nope!!! But if he did cheat I know it was b/c I spared the rod and spoiled the husband.
(just kidding, miss quoting the bible)
On a serious note: you can be the most perfect girlfriend, fiance or wife and some men are going to make a mistake b/c this world is full distraction, lust, greed and evil.
Pray over your man and yourself without ceasing.
(just kidding, miss quoting the bible)On a serious note: you can be the most perfect girlfriend, fiance or wife and some men are going to make a mistake b/c this world is full distraction, lust, greed and evil.
Pray over your man and yourself without ceasing.
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Valerie
Well-Known Member
People cheat for many reasons and it is not anyone's fault. Sometimes couples grow apart, sometimes the wife nags, sometimes men get bored, what something new and probably it is in his nature. Many of us get involved with men where cheating is in their nature and we refuse to see the signs. We belive that we can change them with prayer. I have now come to the conclusion that God as got better men lined up for us, but we are too scared to take the plunge we are so concerned what people will say. We sometimes feel if we end the relationship we won't get anyone else, where in fact it is wrong to think so.
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Laginappe
New Member
gone_fishing
New Member
answering that questions doesn't answer the question i asked.
women cheat for a variety of reasons...as do men...
but i wouldn't blame my man for MY cheating
MD_Lady
Well-Known Member
Absolutely not.
People cheat because they are selfish. No one (neither us nor our mate) is perfect. Only a selfish person feels that someone else's imprefections can be used as a justification for stepping outside of the relationship. If a man feels that his relationship is THAT unsatisfactory, he needs to leave instead of violating his wedding vows.
Ramya
New Member
1) man cheats on woman:
Man has a strong desire to go to sporting events, would love his lifepartner, his wife, to join him. Wife hates sports, wife refuses to come. Urges husband to go to sporting events without her. Husband goes. Single woman who loves sports befriends him. Single woman and husband begin to bond on strictly friendly basis. Because wife is not doing what single woman will, husband starts to look forward to time spent with single woman at sporting events and bond begins to strengthen beyond sports, into friendship, into fondness, into caring....on and on and on... eventually cheating. When his desire intially was to share this experience with his wife.
2) woman cheats on man:
Husband loves wife and wife husband. Husband has been taught that to be a good husband/father, he is to be a provider. Husband works like a Hebrew slave. Doesn't spend time with his wife and family, but believes since he's providing financially, he's doing "his part". Husband isn't affectionate with wife. Wife feels lonely and abandoned. Co-worker, just friendly guy, is known for draping his arm around people as he talks to them, men and women alike. One day, coworker drapes arm around wife, giving her a squeeze. Wife feels wonderful. Keeps looking forward to this man's touch... and begins developing feelings whcih eventually lead to cheating... if husband were to meet her needs intially, there wouldn't have been that problem.
The book doesn't say cheating is right. It's not ever right. But the cheater is OFT times pushed in the direction of cheating, if their partner isn't meeting their needs.
HTH.
Maybe I should pick this book up... but I really do agree with this idea. It's not so much as whose fault it is but why it happened in the first place. Get to the root of the matter. I really believe that good men/women do not seek out to cheat. There must be a series of events that pushed them to that point. But that's just my analytical brain talking out loud
ThatJerseyGirl
Well-Known Member
In my opinion, I think men cheat because they 1) they can; 2)they want something new; 3)it's in their nature; 4) they can get away with it - see #1; 5) they get bored in their relationships 6) then came the kids; 7)they have mid-life crisis 8)lack of communication on both parts 9)selfishness 10) their boys do it; 11) other women make it easy; 12) their wives are nags (think I'm in trouble for this one, but it's true) 13) their quote "I tried everything and nothing satisfies her" - see #8; 14) their quote "she doesn't understand me" - see # 8 again; 15) a quote to their boys "she ain't what she use to be when I met her...she got lazy and put on weight and let herself go" - hence why they do #2; 16) it's just sex; 16) she doesn't need me anymore.
99% of the time, it's boredom. It doesn't take long for a woman not to keep her man interested. I think that adding some energy into taking the monotony out of the monogamy, you can bring that spark back! That was answer to #4.
1 & 4) Most men do it because they can and can get away with it. Especially if the wife works long hours, night shift, not paying to attention to detail in the home (i.e., cooked meals, etc.)
6) Well, we all want a family, and with children, they take a lot of time for us women to bathe, feed, cook, wash their clothes, assist with homework, take to school, pick up from school, after school activities, etc. Some of us have elected to go back to school to further our education, which is time consuming also (so you can get a better job, bring in extra money to help the household.) You get my point. Setting aside a schedule and organize time with children, so that you can spend time with your mate would be wise and maybe with his help. See #8
7) If you have an older husband, he may not feel his youth any longer. Hence the viagra, etc. He may look at himself in the mirror and see the bulging gut, can't fit his clothes, see the receding hairline and see himself as aging. So, he'll make a large purchase, usually a sports car or the like (the attention getter for the younger women) to attract attention to himself to let himself as an eago booster. The viagra will come in soon, so he can "keep it up" at an attempt to blow some woman's back out. Another ego booster.
8) You're talking, he's talking and no one is actually listening.
9) Just selfish and thinking of their needs. See #16.
10) Yeah, they hang with their boys and have seen their work, seen them get away with it too. See, they get around their friends with some beer and complain about home. Peer pressure wherein their boys tell of their situation, so they want to "play" too.
12) Most men do not like naggers. Hate to say it but it's true. Who wants to come home and hear "why didn't you take the trash out, or "why didn't you check the mail," or "dat b__-ch got on my nerves today at work and lemme tell you what happened." You get the idea. Men, especially black men have it rough already, but then to come home and hear more of it...that'll make his stuff go limp real quick.... A lot of times, it's not what we say, but how we say it and when.
13) He pays all the bills, gives you money, and you still complain. Some women are never just satisfied.
14) See #8.
15) After having children, cooking those gourmet meals, eating large lunches at work, eating out, it will take a toll after awhile. So now that you've married this man, you've put on weight, go to bed with that beat up gown or one of his old ragety shirts, pink rollers (like Big Worm off the movie "FRIDAY" - yes, I know some who still wear them), put that rag on your head and go to bed smelling like the dinner you just cooked. Sad, but true. And you wonder why he turns his back to you in the bed.
16) See my bolded point in #6. Congrats! You've finally received your certificate or degree! Congrats again! Now, you've received your promotion or better job. Kids are in privat school, new car, etc. You start taking over finances, updating the home with new furniture, knocking out walls, etc. You've hired a contractor to do the work because if he does it, the work will never get done, and he's saying.." me and Ray or whoever could have done this and saved us money", etc - his ego was a stake then. So now you're doing all of this and he thinks you don't need him anymore. He says to his boys "man, she's a 13 in the government now" (for those Washingtonians, you get my drift on the grade 13). It's a salary grading scale for the rest who aren't.
I think that basically covers everything. I am only girl in my family and have brothers, and all have cheated. When I asked them why, this is what I hear. Also, when I'm at the gym working out, I'm usually on the side where it's predominantly men. While my ears may be plugged to my Ipod, don't sleep, because I do listen, and this is their gripe!
Just yesterday in the gym, I heard one man say he went to pick this woman up, and he was turned off because she came to the door with pink rollers in her head! He said he was immediately turned off and wouldn't not call her again. (I immediately had the visual of BigWorm off "Friday" and chuckled). Not that this is in any relation, but I just figure I throw that one out there. Men talk just as much as women, believe it or not.
99% of the time, it's boredom. It doesn't take long for a woman not to keep her man interested. I think that adding some energy into taking the monotony out of the monogamy, you can bring that spark back! That was answer to #4.
1 & 4) Most men do it because they can and can get away with it. Especially if the wife works long hours, night shift, not paying to attention to detail in the home (i.e., cooked meals, etc.)
6) Well, we all want a family, and with children, they take a lot of time for us women to bathe, feed, cook, wash their clothes, assist with homework, take to school, pick up from school, after school activities, etc. Some of us have elected to go back to school to further our education, which is time consuming also (so you can get a better job, bring in extra money to help the household.) You get my point. Setting aside a schedule and organize time with children, so that you can spend time with your mate would be wise and maybe with his help. See #8
7) If you have an older husband, he may not feel his youth any longer. Hence the viagra, etc. He may look at himself in the mirror and see the bulging gut, can't fit his clothes, see the receding hairline and see himself as aging. So, he'll make a large purchase, usually a sports car or the like (the attention getter for the younger women) to attract attention to himself to let himself as an eago booster. The viagra will come in soon, so he can "keep it up" at an attempt to blow some woman's back out. Another ego booster.
8) You're talking, he's talking and no one is actually listening.
9) Just selfish and thinking of their needs. See #16.
10) Yeah, they hang with their boys and have seen their work, seen them get away with it too. See, they get around their friends with some beer and complain about home. Peer pressure wherein their boys tell of their situation, so they want to "play" too.
12) Most men do not like naggers. Hate to say it but it's true. Who wants to come home and hear "why didn't you take the trash out, or "why didn't you check the mail," or "dat b__-ch got on my nerves today at work and lemme tell you what happened." You get the idea. Men, especially black men have it rough already, but then to come home and hear more of it...that'll make his stuff go limp real quick.... A lot of times, it's not what we say, but how we say it and when.
13) He pays all the bills, gives you money, and you still complain. Some women are never just satisfied.
14) See #8.
15) After having children, cooking those gourmet meals, eating large lunches at work, eating out, it will take a toll after awhile. So now that you've married this man, you've put on weight, go to bed with that beat up gown or one of his old ragety shirts, pink rollers (like Big Worm off the movie "FRIDAY" - yes, I know some who still wear them), put that rag on your head and go to bed smelling like the dinner you just cooked. Sad, but true. And you wonder why he turns his back to you in the bed.
16) See my bolded point in #6. Congrats! You've finally received your certificate or degree! Congrats again! Now, you've received your promotion or better job. Kids are in privat school, new car, etc. You start taking over finances, updating the home with new furniture, knocking out walls, etc. You've hired a contractor to do the work because if he does it, the work will never get done, and he's saying.." me and Ray or whoever could have done this and saved us money", etc - his ego was a stake then. So now you're doing all of this and he thinks you don't need him anymore. He says to his boys "man, she's a 13 in the government now" (for those Washingtonians, you get my drift on the grade 13). It's a salary grading scale for the rest who aren't.
I think that basically covers everything. I am only girl in my family and have brothers, and all have cheated. When I asked them why, this is what I hear. Also, when I'm at the gym working out, I'm usually on the side where it's predominantly men. While my ears may be plugged to my Ipod, don't sleep, because I do listen, and this is their gripe!
Just yesterday in the gym, I heard one man say he went to pick this woman up, and he was turned off because she came to the door with pink rollers in her head! He said he was immediately turned off and wouldn't not call her again. (I immediately had the visual of BigWorm off "Friday" and chuckled). Not that this is in any relation, but I just figure I throw that one out there. Men talk just as much as women, believe it or not.
I don't believe it is the woman's fault if a man cheats. Each individual in a relationship is accountable for their own actions. Cheaters love to blame others for their lack of control and downright selfishness. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me. He cheated on the woman before me and the one after me. I made the mistake of believing (for many years) that his indiscretion was my fault. I no longer believe that I have any control over what a man does and refuse to jump through hoops. Life is just too short.
Candy_C
New Member
It could be but woah thats deep
i wouldnt want to blame myself for anothers issues with fidelity
i think relationships need time and also time-out to grow
boredom can set in and getting-used-to-each-other syndrome where you dont value each other as much and start noticing those hunky mans or pretty girls again
it can be both persons or the individual its different for every couple
that question cannot be generalized to who blames who
only that person at that time could tell ya
peace x
i wouldnt want to blame myself for anothers issues with fidelity
i think relationships need time and also time-out to grow
boredom can set in and getting-used-to-each-other syndrome where you dont value each other as much and start noticing those hunky mans or pretty girls again
it can be both persons or the individual its different for every couple
that question cannot be generalized to who blames who
only that person at that time could tell ya
peace x
kurlybella
Well-Known Member
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