Why are people afraid of perpetually single women?

[Makenzie]

Yeah, I guess I have a tendency to overshare with just a few words.
However, I am not trying to induce pity or sympathy from people when I say it. I usually say it because I can't help it. It's like I have Overshare Tourette's or something.
Whenever people strike up conversations about love and relationships in my midst, I want to BURST OUT and TELL THEM MY SHAMEFUL SECRET but instead I get deathly silent and strain to keep it all inside. All the shame. thank goodness I have this forum as my outlet or I would have to seek therapy.

I know they are wondering why I have so much to say about everything else, but when it comes to love and relationships I am all zipped up.
Since I turned 21, there is hardly one day that passes when I don't think about my inability to kindle a normal, adult romantic relationship. So whenever I get opportunity to share, I tend to OVERSHARE.

The bolded is the reason you overshare when asked about dating and boyfriends. Change your view from one of lack to one of future gain and it will be reflected in your speech and actions.

 

[SmileyNY]

My brother had the same attitude as you. When he brought his now wife around the family, we knew it was a big deal because he NEVER mixed his family life with his romantic life. Never. And we tried to get in his business.

Your brother is a wise man lol




Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[TrueToHair]

..........................

 

[ambergirl]

You should check out the website www.quirkyalone.net. It's all about folks who don't mind being alone until the right person comes along and find a way to have full, fun, interesting lives.

 

[mychai]

Local Atlanta guys erplexed? Haha, no offense to Atlanta natives, but I disliked Atlanta. Places like Dallas have the most amazing, non-loser guys.

I absolutely refuse to believe that you'll be unsuccessful at this forever if you keep trying. There are people probably less accomplished/attractive than you are who have wonderful relationships because they never gave up.

I've never lived in Dallas, but I noticed this when I visited. They also seemed to be very willing to approach and gentlemanly.

I'm probably just doing the grass is always greener thing though, because I hear TX women complain about their men too.

 

[mychai]

Hi softblackcotton - I don't think people are afraid of single women, I agree with ebonylocs that it may be that they just didn't know how to respond to your comment.

I think you need to get over the whole...I'm a perpetual single thing. You're in your twenties-girl. You're in your prime!!! Like my mom says, "take advantage of being a spinster, because you won't be a spinster forever." You have the whole rest of your life to be married with kids.

Plus, if you're tracking time, most women don't get married until 26-27 these days anyway. If you live in a big city like NY, LA it's closer to 32 for first marriages.

You are doing just fine, IMO. Just work on the confidence a bit. You don't want to be a magnet for weaker men because you're not feeling at your best.

Seriously, strut your stuff, and just DATE. Who says every encounter has to result in marriage. Sometimes a girl just wants to feel pretty and admired. Let men take you out and flatter you.

Also, I really recommend Helen Gurly Brown's "Sex and the Single Girl" it's a little dated and a little tongue-in-cheek, but to me it's like the 1960s version of Fabulosity. I love it. I'm actually re-reading it now She didn't marry until she was like 37, and that was in the '50s, so you know you have NOTHING to worry about.

Oh, and this is the toughie. You mentioned that your girlfriends might keep you from meeting men. Maybe you should consider cultivating some new 'go out to meet men' acquaintances. I know this is a little shallow, but I swear it makes a difference. You can always hang out with your other friends at brunch or invite them over. But when you're going out you should try to go out with pretty, glittery, vivacious women, who are CLEARLY looking to meet men. Plus, if the women in your group are not as pretty as you, it's probably best that you go out alone, until you can find some prettier associates (shallow, i know).

 

[Imani]

Hi softblackcotton - I don't think people are afraid of single women, I agree with ebonylocs that it may be that they just didn't know how to respond to your comment.

I think you need to get over the whole...I'm a perpetual single thing. You're in your twenties-girl. You're in your prime!!! Like my mom says, "take advantage of being a spinster, because you won't be a spinster forever." You have the whole rest of your life to be married with kids.

Plus, if you're tracking time, most women don't get married until 26-27 these days anyway. If you live in a big city like NY, LA it's closer to 32 for first marriages.

You are doing just fine, IMO. Just work on the confidence a bit. You don't want to be a magnet for weaker men because you're not feeling at your best.

Seriously, strut your stuff, and just DATE. Who says every encounter has to result in marriage. Sometimes a girl just wants to feel pretty and admired. Let men take you out and flatter you.

Also, I really recommend Helen Gurly Brown's "Sex and the Single Girl" it's a little dated and a little tongue-in-cheek, but to me it's like the 1960s version of Fabulosity. I love it. I'm actually re-reading it now She didn't marry until she was like 37, and that was in the '50s, so you know you have NOTHING to worry about.

Oh, and this is the toughie. You mentioned that your girlfriends might keep you from meeting men. Maybe you should consider cultivating some new 'go out to meet men' acquaintances. I know this is a little shallow, but I swear it makes a difference. You can always hang out with your other friends at brunch or invite them over. But when you're going out you should try to go out with pretty, glittery, vivacious women, who are CLEARLY looking to meet men. Plus, if the women in your group are not as pretty as you, it's probably best that you go out alone, until you can find some prettier associates (shallow, i know).

I used to have this book (before it got stolen), she is a riot.

Why do u suggest she goes out w/prettier friends?

 

[chocolat79]

Local Atlanta guys erplexed? Haha, no offense to Atlanta natives, but I disliked Atlanta. Places like Dallas have the most amazing, non-loser guys.

I absolutely refuse to believe that you'll be unsuccessful at this forever if you keep trying. There are people probably less accomplished/attractive than you are who have wonderful relationships because they never gave up.

LOL! Hahaha...I'm in Atlanta and no offense taken.

Well, location is a BIG thing! If you're in Atlanta, like me, just use it as practice. I've had very little luck here too, BUT I've had SOME. I just decided to affirm that I would get in a meaningful, stable relationship by the end of this year. I'm putting as much into my dating life as I did my career. Atlanta is a tough place to be single, but use it as practice for the real deal. For instance, I KNOW it's hard to find a good guy here that I'm into, but I'm working on my flirting and being more inviting and approachable and seeing what happens. If I get nothing, fine, it's not because I haven't tried. If I get the undesirables, no harm, no foul, because I wouldn't want them anyway. If I get a good guy, mission accomplished.

Also, I completely agree with EbonyLocs.

 

[chocolat79]

Why do you think some people would react so weirdly?

Would you react the same way if you find out an "attractive" (I guess, whatever) friend over the age of 25 never had a serious long-term relationship with anyone? Yes, I probably would. I'd probably wonder what the purpose of you stating that you'd never had a BF before would be AND when not followed up by, "do you know someone?" I'd assume it was because you didn't want anyone, especially if you're attractive. Also, it'd come off as somewhat rude or nosy to ask, so I'd just leave it alone. If you wanted to share more, you would've shared.

Why do people think it is so easy for someone to just have a SO?! To gain romantic experience just because your are a certain?! Like you can just go out a find someone in a SNAP?! Especially in this economy? LOL....it's not easy. Have you been reading these boards? I think a lot of it is confidence and being happy with yourself in whatever state...single or not. It took me a while to get to that point. But I can honestly say I'm happy single. Yes, I'd like someone, but I'm not willing to lower my standards for a sub-standard dude anyway, so what's the point? I'll gladly wait until I find the right fit for me. I'm not miserable alone by any means.

Since Atlanta is so sucky in the dating department, like I mentioned above, use it as practice. Then, if you go to another city where the guys are more plentiful or better or whatever, then you'll have all the tools needed to get into a great relationship.

BTW, I suck at flirting too, but the rest of me is on point. Unfortunately, I think that can be intimidating, so I just go out to practice.

 

[MzLady78]

I also believe the OP has stated before that she's not interested in dating Black men, so that may also be a contributing factor.

I'm not bringing that up to throw shade. I'm just saying that it's tough out here, and I think anytime you rule out an entire segment of the population, you're going to be limiting your choices. And that goes for myself as well with my lack of interest in dating "others".

My apologies if I'm getting you mixed up with someone else.

 

[mychai]

I used to have this book (before it got stolen), she is a riot.

Why do u suggest she goes out w/prettier friends?

A few people (men and women) have told me that a group of pretty women just draws people in. I don't know, I guess it's like an exponential equation. Four pretty women together is like PRETTY^4 power or something.

Also, this is my thought, your pretty friends will be getting plenty of attention when you go out, so they are less likely to block, or be ready to go home as soon as someone trys to talk to you.

 

[CurlyMoo]

I would say stop telling people you've never had a boyfriend. It's not their business and futhermore, practice the art of ignoring. Some questions don't have to be answered or just excuse yourself or change the subject.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

SoftblackCotton: Don't worry, you just seem like you need a little coaching in how to maintain your privacy when in conversation with others.

Personally, I think your hum-drum, negative responses about yourself & your life is what is causing others to feel a little awkward/uncomfortable about you.....NOT your single status in itself. Since YOU feel uncomfortable and ashamed about being 26 and currently still single, OTHERS feel uncomfortable FOR you. I think that vibe is emitting out from you, and is putting others off. Nobody likes being around someone who puts themselves down constantly. Most people don't really know what to say...especially if they aren't your close friend or family member.

You have to change your focus, and CHANGE your outlook!

Repeat after me:
"I am NOT damaged goods just because I have not been in a serious relationship YET."

"I will from now on try to look at my single status with POSITIVITY while I actively search out ways to meet more men and widen out in my friendships with others."

You may be single now...but that doesn't mean you'll be single 2 years from now, a year from now, 6 months from now.....who knows....maybe even 4 weeks from now! Your life can change in an instant. Sometimes, when you least expect it. So keep the faith!

NOW...for a little training:
(NOTE the alternative ways you could have replied instead in RED BOLD)

The following are a few examples from my off-line life:

EXAMPLE 1:

An older lady, let's call her my "mentor" asks me "so are you seeing anyone? anyone special?"

Me: "No."

"Mentor" (BOLDLY) "How come? You're an attractive young lady."

Me: "I don't know I guess nobody is really attracted to me. I never had a boyfriend.
"Mentor": *clears throat and averts eyes* (a moment of uncomfortable silences proceeds before a quick change of subject)

Alternative Response: "Thanks for the compliment! I guess I just haven't found the right person at the moment, but I know one day I will. Right now I'm just enjoying the single life while I still can." (See how DIFFERENT that feels as opposed to: "Oh...woe is me....nobody likes me....nobody's attracted to me. I've never had a boyfriend....Boooo hooo hooo...." Okaaaay Eeyore )

EXAMPLE 2

My Uncle's wife: "Where's your boyfriend? Is that your boyfriend?"

Me: "No. That's my cousin. I never really had a boyfriend." END OF SENTENCE

My Uncle's wife: OH. *quickly walks away.*

EXAMPLE 3

My Aunt: "Softblackcotton, how old are you? 24/25? So you must've had a few boyfriends by now. (Telling my cousin) Talk to her, I bet she has more recent experience than I with these guys out here.

Me: "Nope, she probably has more experience than me at 16 than I'll ever have at 25. I've never even had any relationships."

My Aunt and Cousin: WOW Really?! *shake heads and walk away*

Alternative Response: *laughs* "Oh auntie...stop it! You're embarrassing me! No matter how old we women get, men will always be a mystery to us women lol. "



EXAMPLE 4

A Co-worker: " I can't wait to fall in love again. Sometimes, being in love is great, you know?"

Me: "Nope, I don't know."
Alternative Response: "Yes it is...." OR.... "I'm sure it is... I can't wait until I really TRULY fall in love with the right person one day."


Co-worker: "What you've never been in love?"

Me: "Nope, not even close. No boyfriend ever."
Alternative Response: "Nope, not yet! I've been STRONGLY infatuated with someone, but I can't say that I've ever been in love yet."



Co-worker: *After an uncomfortable silence* "I like this song. One of my favorite artists. Trying to figure out what I want eat for lunch..."

Do you see how different THESE responses sound as opposed to the old responses? People don't need to know that you've never been in a relationship before. That's none of their business! You have to present your BEST self to others and to men. Do you go on a job interview telling the person trying to hire you: "Oh, I've NEVER done this job before...I don't even know why you would hire me since I have no experience in this department.... " NO! You would let the employer know that even IF (even IF!) you may not have as much experience in that department/field, you are a HARD worker, you learn QUICKLY, and would be able to put in the amount of effort and hard work needed in order to do the job effectively. Plain and simple.

 

[Keshieshimmer]

But rejuvenation, I sadly tried online dating. I had several profiles and all the guys turned out to be really crappy. I forgot to mention I do have extremely short-term, essentially shallow dating experience with unsavory guys. Did I mention I live in Atlanta? Maybe I have to move...to a different country.

Atlanta is TERRIBLE for relationship minded people, what is that ratio of single men to women like 1 to 15.

Though I am kinda tired of being single I refuse to settle. I made this new guy friend who is supposed to introduce me to these men but he is sucking at his job. lol

 

[Mena]

I think guys are weird without any dating experience. I started dating at 19. I have had about 2 serious boyfriends and I am almost 27. Honestly, I wont date someone without dating experience because I will assume they don't know how to date or have some sort of issues that repels people. It may not be right but thats how I feel.

 

[lushcoils]

Is the dating situation bad in Atlanta if you only want to date black men? Or is it just bad in general across all races?

 

[softblackcotton]

Why do you think some people would react so weirdly?

Would you react the same way if you find out an "attractive" (I guess, whatever) friend over the age of 25 never had a serious long-term relationship with anyone? Yes, I probably would. I'd probably wonder what the purpose of you stating that you'd never had a BF before would be AND when not followed up by, "do you know someone?" I'd assume it was because you didn't want anyone, especially if you're attractive. Also, it'd come off as somewhat rude or nosy to ask, so I'd just leave it alone. If you wanted to share more, you would've shared.

Why do people think it is so easy for someone to just have a SO?! To gain romantic experience just because your are a certain?! Like you can just go out a find someone in a SNAP?! Especially in this economy? LOL....it's not easy. Have you been reading these boards? I think a lot of it is confidence and being happy with yourself in whatever state...single or not. It took me a while to get to that point. But I can honestly say I'm happy single. Yes, I'd like someone, but I'm not willing to lower my standards for a sub-standard dude anyway, so what's the point? I'll gladly wait until I find the right fit for me. I'm not miserable alone by any means.

Since Atlanta is so sucky in the dating department, like I mentioned above, use it as practice. Then, if you go to another city where the guys are more plentiful or better or whatever, then you'll have all the tools needed to get into a great relationship.

BTW, I suck at flirting too, but the rest of me is on point. Unfortunately, I think that can be intimidating, so I just go out to practice.

@ The bolded in purple. Totally agree. I am not by any means miserable alone, I just get the feeling at times when I have nothing else to think about or people want to get in to that part of my business or when I see a happy couple. Other than that, my life is very busy, fun, and I have good friends to keep me occupied.

 

[softblackcotton]

Is the dating situation bad in Atlanta if you only want to date black men? Or is it just bad in general across all races?

It's pretty bad among the black population, the guys my friends, associates, coworkers, and I have encountered in general all have baby mamas, drug-problems, conviction records, conceited, disrespectful, crude, cheap, ...blah blah blah, but let's not turn this into Those kind of threads. I've encountered about a couple of white guys in Atlanta who were pretty horrible in different ways. Atlanta and cities in general tend to attract kind of guys.

 

[softblackcotton]

SoftblackCotton: Don't worry, you just seem like you need a little coaching in how to maintain your privacy when in conversation with others.

Personally, I think your hum-drum, negative responses about yourself & your life is what is causing others to feel a little awkward/uncomfortable about you.....NOT your single status in itself. Since YOU feel uncomfortable and ashamed about being 26 and currently still single, OTHERS feel uncomfortable FOR you. I think that vibe is emitting out from you, and is putting others off. Nobody likes being around someone who puts themselves down constantly. Most people don't really know what to say...especially if they aren't your close friend or family member.

You have to change your focus, and CHANGE your outlook!

Repeat after me:
"I am NOT damaged goods just because I have not been in a serious relationship YET."

"I will from now on try to look at my single status with POSITIVITY while I actively search out ways to meet more men and widen out in my friendships with others."

You may be single now...but that doesn't mean you'll be single 2 years from now, a year from now, 6 months from now.....who knows....maybe even 4 weeks from now! Your life can change in an instant. Sometimes, when you least expect it. So keep the faith!

NOW...for a little training:
(NOTE the alternative ways you could have replied instead in RED BOLD)




Do you see how different THESE responses sound as opposed to the old responses? People don't need to know that you've never been in a relationship before. That's none of their business! You have to present your BEST self to others and to men. Do you go on a job interview telling the person trying to hire you: "Oh, I've NEVER done this job before...I don't even know why you would hire me since I have no experience in this department.... " NO! You would let the employer know that even IF (even IF!) you may not have as much experience in that department/field, you are a HARD worker, you learn QUICKLY, and would be able to put in the amount of effort and hard work needed in order to do the job effectively. Plain and simple.

Crystalicequeen123 Great Advice! I am going to take control of my word vomit, overshare Tourette's syndorme situation and try to be more discreet about my peculiar situation. I"ve been known to be sorta blunt, so I have to work on that.

 

[softblackcotton]

I also believe the OP has stated before that she's not interested in dating Black men, so that may also be a contributing factor.

I'm not bringing that up to throw shade. I'm just saying that it's tough out here, and I think anytime you rule out an entire segment of the population, you're going to be limiting your choices. And that goes for myself as well with my lack of interest in dating "others".

My apologies if I'm getting you mixed up with someone else.

No no no you are losing the whole point of this thread.

 

[MzLady78]

No no no you are losing the whole point of this thread.

Oh. Ok, LOL.

I know it wasn't a response to the original question, I was chiming in on the possible "whys" as far as your lack of dating experience.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

I def understand you OP I am in the same boat to a degree..I feel I have started over in relationships and its been a long time since I have had anything.I have never had a serious loving relationship ever.I feel like I have had settlement only.

As many have said the only thing you can do is be more open to things,not have negative self talk even though this is so hard.One day you will be schooling folks on relationships bc you still have something that is oh so valuable.

 

[awhyley]

Whenever people strike up conversations about love and relationships in my midst, I want to BURST OUT and TELL THEM MY SHAMEFUL SECRET but instead I get deathly silent and strain to keep it all inside. All the shame. thank goodness I have this forum as my outlet or I would have to seek therapy.

You may need therapy if you can't let go of the fact that this isn't a shameful secret. First off, like others have said, it's nobody's business. If they're talking their business, let them. Most times, when people are talking themselves, they want you focusing on them anyways. You don't have to bring up your situation at all.
(or you can deflect it/the conversation back to them)

That's it. Next time somebody asks me about a "boyfriend" I will say "I don't want children" and keep it moving.

Why would you do that? Again, the answer is "No". Nobody's asking you about children or anything like that.

Do you go on a job interview telling the person trying to hire you: "Oh, I've NEVER done this job before...I don't even know why you would hire me since I have no experience in this department.... " NO! You would let the employer know that even IF (even IF!) you may not have as much experience in that department/field, you are a HARD worker, you learn QUICKLY, and would be able to put in the amount of effort and hard work needed in order to do the job effectively. Plain and simple.

I LOVE this analogy!

Honestly, I wont date someone without dating experience because I will assume they don't know how to date or have some sort of issues that repels people. It may not be right but thats how I feel.

What do you mean by this?