What's the REAL reason some women are perpetually single?

[UmSumayyah]

to the bolded. I have had grown, married women, act a fool over my husband in front of me and their own husband. I think it's idiocy. Again, it's so strange and weird to me. I think my dh is wonderful because of who he is deep inside and because of what he does for me and our daughters. I would love him if he were a construction worker. I recently had to drop a friend because she was so in awe toward my husband. I was just like he ain't doing ish for you so why you care so much about what he's doing? I'm like love and appreciate the one who loves and wants you. I felt sorry for this friend's husband. How embarrassing to have a wife going gaga over other men just because they are successful.

And I think that's important for a good guy. To KNOW that you really would be there through thick and thin and that he is loved for more than his bank account and social status.

 

[yuhlovevybz]

Because they're secretly ghey.



EDIT: Jk. Too much caffiene today. But I agree with the posters who say 'emotionally unavailable' or unapproachable. I used to (and still do) have guys call me stuck up just because I don't fall into their arms. And in cases like that, i'd rather be stuck up and single than easy and letting just any guy play around in my heart. I am not perpetually single, but I am perpetually in amazingly short relationships. At this point I don't really care, but I can see it being that I pretend to be detached even if I'm not, or that I get attached too easily and it scares men away... or the whole stuck up thing.

All men want something different, and its impossible to keep switching up to satisfy a different need every time. Sometimes it takes awhile for the right thing to just 'click', or sometimes the fireworks that a high maintenance girl expects aren't there and she passes up a guy that could be right.

I guess there are tons of reasons, but not all of them can be helped, can they?

 

[janiebaby]

I was told that I look content. Also, single women give off a look of interest. Kinda like how everybody says that you should smile at men to show that you're open to talking . I rarely give men any attention (unless approached). So, that comes off as disinterest and that I have a man.

It's very hard for me to break this habit. I've been doing it for so long.

Having met you, yes I would agree that you do look content. I wouldn't really use the word content so much as taken. You're beautiful and look like someone has already snagged you or you may have a few waiting in the wings.

 

[janiebaby]

With regard to the OP, I can only speak on my experience that I'm never happy. As soon as I get in a relationship I look for flaws. I'm not proud of it and I really don't know what's my problem. My best relationship was with a no gooder but since I know that's not what I want I've never wasted my time on any other no gooder since. I'd like to say that maybe I just haven't found that one but maybe it's me and the one has stared me in the face a few times? Idk

 

[DrC]

My loud-mouthed bestie, built like a boiled egg, bright as a box of rocks, ---

DarkJoy you mean like crack rocks? That's the only bright rock I can think of and I'm mad a t you for comparing your bestie's shape to a damn egg

 

[Okay]

Okay is that you in your avi? If so, just stop it. That's not the reason. Don't ever say that again.

The reason isn't that you are unnattractive. The reason is that you think you are.

Ya'll might not agree.. But I think its healthy to come to terms with not looking like one would have hoped for and working on the things they can change
Good looks arent the only positive attributes one can have anyway so..

 

[kandake]

Having met you, yes I would agree that you do look content. I wouldn't really use the word content so much as taken. You're beautiful and look like someone has already snagged you or you may have a few waiting in the wings.

@janiebaby aww, that was sweet of you. I really wish that last statement was true.

 

[mallysmommy]

Ya'll might not agree.. But I think its healthy to come to terms with not looking like one would have hoped for and working on the things they can change
Good looks arent the only positive attributes one can have anyway so..

girl boo. if thats you in your avi you are gorgeous if whoopi can get attract men then so can you and you look noooottttthiiinggg like whoopi! lol. but it wont resonate with you until you see it for yourself.

 

[virgo_chinwe]

Okay if i had your head of hair...you couldnt tell me nothing

 

[hopeful]

Ya'll might not agree.. But I think its healthy to come to terms with not looking like one would have hoped for and working on the things they can change
Good looks arent the only positive attributes one can have anyway so..

Maybe you are just very photogenic? In your pics you are very pretty with lovely skin. You have been told that by many of us time and again though and it makes no difference. If you didn't appear pretty, some people would be like well girl you gotta make the best of it or they would ignore you. But if you believe that is your problem, I guess it pretty much is. Hope things work out for you. I really wish you could see what we see though.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I really appreciate this post. I am soaking up all the knowledge

I think the reason I am perpetually single is because I don't make it a high enough priority. Even though I complain about it, like another poster said, I am really content and have learned to be my own best company. So, it's hard for me to carve time out in my life for someone who may or may not be a good contender. So for me, opening myself up and really making time for others will help me in my quest to be partnered.

Just a few other thoughts....

Dominican09

3. Where I live men want to settle when their ballz are hanging down to their knees (I refuse to be with a man that is not in their prime) and the rest are gay

As soon as I read that I knew you were in the DMV :lol

Okay

Ya'll might not agree.. But I think its healthy to come to terms with not looking like one would have hoped for and working on the things they can change
Good looks arent the only positive attributes one can have anyway so..

I hear what you are saying as I have suffered from feeling unattractive as well. Shoot, still do. But I have been assured many times over that that is not the case. Even if it were, as you say, attractiveness is not the only positive quality one can have in securing a mate. I notice that you are in Europe - I wonder if part of why you feel that way about your looks is simply because of your environment? I know how brainwashed we all are over here in the USA, so I can't imagine what it is like to be in the birthplace of the "European standard of beauty" . . . .

 

[hopeful]

...

Okay



I hear what you are saying as I have suffered from feeling unattractive as well. Shoot, still do. But I have been assured many times over that that is not the case. Even if it were, as you say, attractiveness is not the only positive quality one can have in securing a mate. I notice that you are in Europe - I wonder if part of why you feel that way about your looks is simply because of your environment? I know how brainwashed we all are over here in the USA, so I can't imagine what it is like to be in the birthplace of the "European standard of beauty" . . . .

Good point.

 

[TRINITY05]

A single woman's list is too long. She is looking for something that doesn't exist.....

In most relationships, when you see a decent couple its because over the years they worked together to become that way.

 

[yuhlovevybz]

I wonder if part of why you feel that way about your looks is simply because of your environment? I know how brainwashed we all are over here in the USA, so I can't imagine what it is like to be in the birthplace of the "European standard of beauty" . . . .

I'm a victim of this myself here in the US. When guys drool over girls with fair skin, long blonde hair and blue eyes. Ugh. It's one thing to want to weigh a certain amount or grow out hair, but some types of beauty are impossible to achieve and that can sometimes take a blow to self esteem.

 

[greenandchic]

I can't speak of the general population but I can speak about myself: When I was younger, it was a mixed bag for me. Some people said I was too serious and "mature" and others saw the venerability in me. Overall, I never had an issue with guys.

As I gotten older, I started to have a harder time. Ironically enough, when I was overweight and a horrible dresser, I had more confidence. I guess I didn't know how bad I looked.* As I got into shape, developed a wardrobe, started focusing on hair and makeup, somehow my confidence wasn't as great despite looking 10 years younger than previously and looking so much better in general.

The number of guys in pursuit started to diminish. I also don't go out as much as I used to, so I know that's part of it. I am dating right now so its not an issue...


*I said that because I look horrible overweight. I have no shape, a huge gut and a fat moon face. That's me and me alone.

My loud-mouthed bestie, built like a boiled egg, bright as a box of rocks, ALWAYS had men chasing after her. She is married (again) but there's no filter between her brain and mouth she says whatever to them and they fall in line. However, in most other things she is quite submissive...even dismissive. She inserts herself quickly into their lives, though, and shows interest in the things they do. The talk amongst her former lovers was that she was a dynamo in the sack.

Another friend who is gorgeous by comparison, Masters degree, and the same age (40) has never had a man longer than 2 years. I've known her since high school and she can't get or keep a man. They all complain after a few months that she makes every conversation about her (they are right--she's like that with her female friends too) and she's a know it all (true too). She doesn't show much interest in their lives besides how it affects her. She said a few complained about her 'bedroom abilities'.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

I think many women who would likely be considered a good catch by virtue of looks probably tend to assume they will pull men because of their looks. That attitude shines through and turns men off after a while.

I don't like the characterization of the women being labeled as loud and bossy. it's likely that they are assertive and aren't too caught up on looks. I think any time you have a woman who is not considered cute PR pretty by societal standards, her assertiveness is characterized in a negative way.

I also think women need to stop trying to figure out how other women in their daily lives are able to get a man while they can't. Just worry about yourself. You don't really know what goes on in those situations.

 

[Okay]

So somebody I know is getting married to her longtime boyfriend. She's 24. Sigh. I am happy for her and they are the cutest couple.. But I felt some kind of way. Im 22 and have never had a longtime serious boyfriend. Even my younger brother has one right now! And one before her. And he's 18! I wish things were different. /vent.

 

[Naveah2050]

I get this ALLL the time.....how do you look like you have a man...?

Sorry but this is something friends tell their single friends to make them feel better. Very few men would not approach an attractive woman they wanted, especially one without a ring just because they "look" taken. The unapproachable and intimidating argument I can try and buy but this one always irks me.

 

[butter_pecan]

The reasons I am still single:
1. I am not putting myself out there
2. Have found good candidates on paper but character wise we are not compatible
3. Where I live men want to settle when their ballz are hanging down to their knees (I refuse to be with a man that is not in their prime) and the rest are gay

Yup, these are DC men for sure!

 

[**SaSSy**]

I also want to add, some women don't market themselves coordinately to the type of man they are looking for. And they don't care about their physical appearance. Regardless of weight, I see so many sloppy dressing women here in NYC. They look so frappe, sloppy attire, like they just rolled out of bed. Then they wonder they attract equally looking men, or no man at all.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@DarkJoy, are they quality men? I can get a man with no problem, but a man with some subsistence is a bit harder.

I think we:

overthink things
take flawed advice from other single women
hold ourselves to ridiculous standards
try to take the reigns from men as far as pacing the relationship
have lost touch with how to be a woman (that wants to have a man)
may be a little desperate
play games
don't listen to our men or even to ourselves

Just my observations and, yeah, I'm guilty of some of this.

With the women in the op, I'd bet dollars to donuts that really what those women have in common is they embrace the attention of those who are attracted to them and ignore the ones who aren't. If you notice, a lot of the energy of women's conversations about these things has an undercurrent of insecurity. The sub-text seems to be the belief that a woman should be able to snag any and every man out there, or every man she deems desirable. I think that in reality, different people are attracted to different people. And some people accept and embrace that, and others go pining after the ones who don't want them.

The women in the op can't snag any man, but they clearly revel in the affections of those who *are* drawn to them--even to the point of taking advantage--and that's probably a large part of what makes them appear to be so lucky in love. I believe that most women have the same capacity, but so many emotional and psychological hangups can cause women to unconsciously seek after that which will not be life-giving, either not knowing or not believing that they are worth love, or what true love is like.

I think a lot of it has to do with your mind set.

I don't think its hard to get a man. Men are easy. I've always gotten attention from men effortlessly all my life. Now, if thats the man I want is another story. I've turned down a lot of successful men simply because I wasn't attracted to them or didn't feel a spark between us. People always tell me my problem is I'm too picky, which I am.

Most men I've dated still want me or would be with me if I wanted. I'm looking for a husband right now. Yet to find a man I can actually see myself marrying.

Anyways OP I think its a mind set/ like the law of attraction sort of thing. You attract what you believe if these women believe they can easily get a man then obviously they do.

This is such a great point! I've seen and experienced other people (men and women) try to guilt women out of their standards. I mean simple basic standards. People will try to impose their own standards (or lack of standards) on you. Know who YOU are, what you can or can't tolerate and what's important to you. Don't allow another person to make you feel guilty for your desires. You have to live with and share your bed, life and future with the person you end up with, so you get to decide.

I don't buy the belief that women who are perpetually single somehow have better standards than the women who are in relationships. One: I say this as someone who is NOT a serial monogamist. Two: I dislike the term 'perpetually single' for all the gloom and doom it carries. Why would any woman want to think that of herself?

Anyway, to my point, if a woman believes that the fact that she hasn't been in a relationship for a long time means she's got better qualities than the women IN relationships, what does that say about her prospects and her real (not imagined) chances at finding the one?
I think it's kind of defeatist to look at your dating options as a struggle to weed out bad seeds. I also think, when that 'perpetually single' woman fiiiinally finds herself with someone, she might throw herself into quickly because, well, if all along she thought she was better than the others, then this relationship MUST be the one... and that could be dangerous.

I don't like to analyze why I am single, as though being single is a flaw. I HAVE analyzed why a particular situation didn't work out (and sometimes I will analyze it to death) so I really like what hopeful and nikola wrote above. My life has so many things that fulfill me, and I am going to revel in ALL of them.

What nikola also stated above is my issue: I could be in a relationship with the people who really want me, and I choose not to be. Why? Because I want to feel that I'm choosing them in return, too I know what it is like to choose AND be chosen, and that was my best relationship, so I feel like I am holding out for a connection like that. On the other hand, I have never tried going for someone who chose me... I wouldn't be settling, if anyone is worried... I COULD open myself to falling in love with someone like that, but I've been too reluctant to try it.

I think when I realized that relationships happen when 2 people connect and BOTH want to and decide to act on that connection, I calmed down and stopped worrying or self-analyzing. You could do everything the 'right' way, whatever that is, and if the cards aren't right, or the other person isn't in the same place, it won't happen. You may force it, but you'll expose yourself to so much unnecessary hardship and heartache. So, chill out... look for a connection but don't try to fabricate one. And if one isn't there, it's not your fault.

Such GREAT responses ladies! I concur 100%!! Especially with the parts in bold!

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I also want to add, some women don't market themselves coordinately to the type of man they are looking for. And they don't care about their physical appearance. Regardless of weight, I see so many sloppy dressing women here in NYC. They look so frappe, sloppy attire, like they just rolled out of bed. Then they wonder they attract equally looking men, or no man at all.

I can attest to that... I hate wearing my hair down, like I lterally hate having hair out, even if a fresh wash and set, I will put it in a ponytail...

Also I work in IT so Jeans and sneakers will do... erplexed... Not really interested in changing but I know it must be done...

 

[greenandchic]

I can attest to that... I hate wearing my hair down, like I lterally hate having hair out, even if a fresh wash and set, I will put it in a ponytail...

Also I work in IT so Jeans and sneakers will do... erplexed... Not really interested in changing but I know it must be done...

I'm not a big fan of wearing my hair out either (especially during this time of year) but I can compromise with wearing it out as long as its off my face. I do admit to having more heads turn in my direction when my hair is out.

 

[Fine 4s]

Such GREAT responses ladies! I concur 100%!! Especially with the parts in bold!

The parts in bold are golden!

 

[Smiley79]

bumping to read later

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

All of this resonates with me. I've never met my father, and I seem to always be looking for approval and acceptance because if it. It's hard for me to let go of lousy people. I'm really working on it. I hold on to the good in everyone, but I'm learning that the good doesn't negate the bad in them.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

Also, I think that women can often value a man more for who he is on paper and in others' opinions than for who he is to her and for her. So, falling for a man because he has x, y, and z qualities that make him great; but without really reflecting on how devoted he is to you, how he brightens your life and your future. It seems like the question of "Who is he for me?" is more fundamental than "Who is he in the world?" How great a man is on paper should only matter if he's really giving of himself to you. (general you)

AMEN

 

[MD_Lady]

I think many women who would likely be considered a good catch by virtue of looks probably tend to assume they will pull men because of their looks. That attitude shines through and turns men off after a while.

I don't like the characterization of the women being labeled as loud and bossy. it's likely that they are assertive and aren't too caught up on looks. I think any time you have a woman who is not considered cute PR pretty by societal standards, her assertiveness is characterized in a negative way.

I also think women need to stop trying to figure out how other women in their daily lives are able to get a man while they can't. Just worry about yourself. You don't really know what goes on in those situations.

And constantly about why you're single does NOTHING for your mood or self-esteem. Venting is fine (we've ALL been there), but when the energy that could be spent making yourself happy is focused on what you feel you lack, it's time to re-focus.