What's the REAL reason some women are perpetually single?

[SelahOco]

kweenameena, I just decided to let it go. I know what I came from. I know how it affected me. And I know my family and parents did the best they knew how to do. It was not easy because I am very emotional and have a hard time letting even the worst people go.

But no one is holding the pen to my life story but me. When I found myself attracting men that were similar to my dad, I let them go. It took time to but I did. If a man is going to be MY man he has to be sweet and understanding. Not a yeller. Not one that is going to magnify my flaws and use them against me. A man that can love me at my worst. I learned not to over share as men can or will use it against you. I let a man show me who he is. And when he does, I believe him and cut ties.

Good luck to you lovie. I hope that helps.

All of this resonates with me. I've never met my father, and I seem to always be looking for approval and acceptance because if it. It's hard for me to let go of lousy people. I'm really working on it. I hold on to the good in everyone, but I'm learning that the good doesn't negate the bad in them.

 

[Middle]

I think nicola made a really good point. Some people bemoan the types of guys they attract, other people just work with the options they have! It's a lot easier to just work within your options than to try to change yourself to attract guys that you don't see as being into! Especially since guys' reasons for stuff can be so silly and fickle and based on the silliest things!

It's something I had to learn. Every man comes with his own set of problems, don't stress yourself out wondering why you can't snag this type of dude and this that and the other! Y

 

[SurferBabe]

I have lots of thoughts on this subject but I'm too lazy today to post very much. But regarding the above bolded, yes, I agree. I am attracted to those whom are attracted to me. I can't even quite comprehend how a grown woman allows herself to crush on or pine for a man without the feelings being reciprocated. For me it's kind of a foreign way of being, I just don't get it.

...but sometimes we want what we want. I've been guilty multiple times of this, and I wasn't pining away blindly each time--I was just misinterpreting his signals, thinking he was into me when he was just being nice. Who wouldn't want to be able to choose who is attracted to them? For me is was quite the struggle to stop crushing on and pining away for men who weren't equally into me.

Still, I wonder if these women's general disinterest in guys who aren't fawning over them works in attracting men who are used to women throwing themselves at their feet? Is there something about a bold, confident woman who seems apathetic most time that turns on a switch in some of these men?

 

[Brwnbeauti]

I'm married now, but back in my dating days I had some codependent tendencies. And I know I'm not the only one. I think that's why a lot of the women I know are single. I didn't even know what codependency was until I did some research.

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[LoveisYou]

I think one of the biggest reasons is wasting time on no good men.

Too many women get caught up with non-committals who only want to use their bodies and miss out on potential good men. It's so sad when I see young women in their prime pining and wasting their time with men who refuse to commit to them.

I say cut ties quickly with "no goods." The moment you see that big red flag, run! The earlier you run the better.Please don't waste years with that loser, when he shows you who he is just let it go. You could be missing out on great years and great men being stuck with a loser.

I also think it's o.k. to want companionship. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single, but there's also nothing wrong with wanting to share your life with someone. I am a romantic so I get it. Just ensure the man you choose is deserving.

 

[ambergirl]

hopeful Beautiful post. As women we're socialized to measure ourselves against our relationship status and miss all of the other things that bring us joy or help us grow.

There are miserable people who are always in relationships or married. There are great people who are perpetually single. We're so much more then what's going on with our ring finger.

Honestly I've come to realize that you just have to choose to be happy. Set yourself up for success and be grateful for everything that shows up. Surprisingly when you let go of the outcome and just live your best life, what comes into your life often exceeds your wildest dreams.

 

[southerncitygirl]

because they want to be

because they are socially awkward with members of the opposite sex (mothers tend to put alot of emphasis on academics and manners but not on how a lady should be treated by a man or how to interact with the opposite sex platonic or otherwise)

because they avoid working on themselves and find all sorts of distractions

they are bitter

they are selective and prefer quality (anyone can get a man, but a quality one takes more effort ,time,and worth the waiting)

they are too selective

they listen to others and read too many relationship books

they stay in the house too much, can't meet a man while watching tv and surfing the internet

they allow men to manipulate them and sleep with them too soon or give them a chance when they are not worth our time and get upset when we get dumped

 

[mallysmommy]

We're so much more then what's going on with our ring finger.

Honestly I've come to realize that you just have to choose to be happy. Set yourself up for success and be grateful for everything that shows up. Surprisingly when you let go of the outcome and just live your best life, what comes into your life often exceeds your wildest dreams.

I likes all of this and is what i am using to motivate me for the future. Setting myself up for happiness and successful and being grateful and content with what may come. Thats all i can do. If this brings a man then yaay if not then that will have to be a yay as well. My success and happiness cant be judged by whether i have a man or not.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

because they want to be

because they are socially awkward with members of the opposite sex (mothers tend to put alot of emphasis on academics and manners but not on how a lady should be treated by a man or how to interact with the opposite sex platonic or otherwise)

because they avoid working on themselves and find all sorts of distractions

they are bitter

they are selective and prefer quality (anyone can get a man, but a quality one takes more effort ,time,and worth the waiting)

they are too selective

they listen to others and read too many relationship books

they stay in the house too much, can't meet a man while watching tv and surfing the internet

they allow men to manipulate them and sleep with them too soon or give them a chance when they are not worth our time and get upset when we get dumped

All of this... 2013 is going to be my year... Claiming it...

 

[jhcprincess]

WMLB pretty much describes why all of the women in the OP can't keep a man... as for me, all of my relationships ended because we were incompatible in one way or another

 

[CaliiSwagg]

All of this resonates with me. I've never met my father, and I seem to always be looking for approval and acceptance because if it. It's hard for me to let go of lousy people. I'm really working on it. I hold on to the good in everyone, but I'm learning that the good doesn't negate the bad in them.

Me and you are right here ><. I know my father but he was absent all of my life so it's hard for me to let go of no gooders as well. I am too forgiving, understanding, and compassionate at times.
---------------------------------------------------------------

Anywho, I am currently single because I honestly don't think I am in a place to allow myself to get hurt again . I'm not ready to take that chance just yet. and I know I have some unrealistic expectations that I need to work on.

honestly, I am so used to being alone (abandoned by father, mother physically present but emotionally/mentally absent, youngest child-brother older and out of the house, ect.) that I have a hard time valueing being with someone. I have become content and comfortable with being by myself and seldom allow another person into my sanctuary.


I just hate to feel like there is something wrong with me because I am single. To me marriage isn't the holy grail but it is a goal many (including myself have). The idea that women have to work on/tweak every little issue that they have in order to get and keep a man is ridiculous. It shouldn't be this difficult.

Im willing to bet money that men do not sit at home reading relationship books, talking to their peers about "Working on themselves", or harbor any ill feelings about their current relationship status.

 

[CaliiSwagg]

@hopeful Beautiful post. As women we're socialized to measure ourselves against our relationship status and miss all of the other things that bring us joy or help us grow.

There are miserable people who are always in relationships or married. There are great people who are perpetually single. We're so much more then what's going on with our ring finger.

Honestly I've come to realize that you just have to choose to be happy. Set yourself up for success and be grateful for everything that shows up. Surprisingly when you let go of the outcome and just live your best life, what comes into your life often exceeds your wildest dreams.

I love this!! I need to take on this mentality and just live .

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Well I wrote this very long post earlier today and thought oh what's the point? But here goes:

I think it's complicated. Why are some people always broke, always unhappy, always fussing and fighting, never get the promotion they want, etc., etc.? IMO every single person on this earth has a challenge that they have to work to overcome. I just hate that the "single" problem stands out like it's so different from all of the other problems people suffer from. Human beings suffer on this earth to some degree one way or the other, that is just life. I also find it terribly unfair that society treats single people, especially women, and black women in particular like something is wrong with them and like they are less than. Cannot tell you how many "points" I get for being married, how many extra points I get for being married to a successful man, it's crazy and unfair.

I have found that most difficult problems we face require multiple solutions and that we attract or don't attract certain things because of what is going on in our internal world, much of which is subconscious. Also, every human being is different so one woman's solution will often not be the same for another woman. Some married women are miserable within their marriages but happy in other areas, some are happy within their marriage but unfulfilled in other areas.

All that said, life in general is difficult for most of us, married or not, most people have to work really hard at getting what they want most be it a career, romance, a family, etc. My advice is not to "fix" anything, but to work on healing your internal wounds, be happy as you can be, ask for help in every direction, throw out bull, keep what makes sense, quit thinking married people are somehow better or luckier, quit trying to put down married women (I'm cuter, slimmer, smarter) because it's not helpful because despite your perception of her faults, someone loves and accepts her, we are all human and imperfect and everyone pretty much wants the same thing: to love, to be loved, to be successful, to be fulfilled, to have friends, to be accepted, to be healthy in every area of our lives, and every one of us struggles in one area or the other at some point.

I guess I'm saying you have to have a broader view of life in general, everybody hurts, have more compassion for others and yourself. Understand that men aren't perfect or saviors but people put on this earth with their own challenges and the one that wants you likely wants you because you both can help each other grow. He is not there to meet your paycheck and make you smile every day. Again life and relationships are complex.

Open your heart, be smart, take a chance, trust you will get hurt, trust God, time and friends will help you heal. Keep hoping and trying to be coupled or don't, but either way we only get one life to live, so just live your life the best you can and accept that every single one of us will leave this earth not getting something we wanted or thought we deserved.

Pure wisdom

 

[crlsweetie912]

I didn't go on my first date until I was 22. People always told me that I was unapproachable and not easy to talk to. I looked like I already had a man.

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I get this ALLL the time.....how do you look like you have a man...?

 

[ChasingBliss]

I didn't go on my first date until I was 22. People always told me that I was unapproachable and not easy to talk to. I looked like I already had a man.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

Ha ha, I remember being told this all the time to. Thats ok. The ones who really want to get to know you will see past all that.

But at the same time, I did learn to be a little more approachable....to those that caught my interest.

 

[kandake]

I get this ALLL the time.....how do you look like you have a man...?

I was told that I look content. Also, single women give off a look of interest. Kinda like how everybody says that you should smile at men to show that you're open to talking . I rarely give men any attention (unless approached). So, that comes off as disinterest and that I have a man.

It's very hard for me to break this habit. I've been doing it for so long.

 

[lushcoils]

I think looking at it from the other end can explain it as well.

Why do some women always have a man? Usually, it's because they have lower standards. If you accept less from men, then of course it's easy to find and have a man because there are more men to choose from.

IME, women who go from relationships to relationships or always have a man, usually have less requirements and date men with one or more of the following traits: separated/divorced (or married ), has children, low levels of educational attainment, blue collar job, money management issues, low salary, lazy, drug/alcohol addicts, criminal records, abusers, cheaters, emotionally unavailable, non-committed (won't put a ring on it and marry you), religious incompatibility, overweight/obese, *****, sloppy dresser, 10+ years older or younger than them, and (for some) shortness in the wrong places, etc etc..

Women who refuse to date men with one or more of the above traits may be single for a bit longer than the norm until they meet someone who meets their standard and is interested in them back.

 

[aribell]

I have lots of thoughts on this subject but I'm too lazy today to post very much. But regarding the above bolded, yes, I agree. I am attracted to those whom are attracted to me. I can't even quite comprehend how a grown woman allows herself to crush on or pine for a man without the feelings being reciprocated. For me it's kind of a foreign way of being, I just don't get it.

I'm glad you said this because I really do think it makes a big difference in the experience a woman has in relationships. But what causes women to pine? idk, father issues perhaps--but it's more common than that. I remember at one point I had this thing where I didn't want to "lose" and so it was like I had something to prove by refusing to let it go.

Also, I think that women can often value a man more for who he is on paper and in others' opinions than for who he is to her and for her. So, falling for a man because he has x, y, and z qualities that make him great; but without really reflecting on how devoted he is to you, how he brightens your life and your future. It seems like the question of "Who is he for me?" is more fundamental than "Who is he in the world?" How great a man is on paper should only matter if he's really giving of himself to you. (general you)

I think nicola made a really good point. Some people bemoan the types of guys they attract, other people just work with the options they have! It's a lot easier to just work within your options than to try to change yourself to attract guys that you don't see as being into! Especially since guys' reasons for stuff can be so silly and fickle and based on the silliest things!

It's something I had to learn. Every man comes with his own set of problems, don't stress yourself out wondering why you can't snag this type of dude and this that and the other! Y

Yes--you never know what someone has set their mind on that has nothing to do with you. There was a man I was casually dating once who said when he first saw me, he envisioned our family and children. Why? Because I'm tall and he always saw himself with a tall wife so that he would have tall children. I'm 5'9", so what if there were a 5'3" lady wondering why she couldn't capture his attention? If he weren't interested, it wouldn't be because something was wrong with her--he just had very specific ideas about what he was looking for.

I think looking at it from the other end can explain it as well.

Why do some women always have a man? Usually, it's because they have lower standards. If you accept less from men, then of course it's easy to find and have a man because there are more men to choose from.

...

Women who refuse to date men with one or more of the above traits may be single for a bit longer than the norm until they meet someone who meets their standard and is interested in them back.

I think there is at least some truth to this, though I do think it's very possible for a woman to continually attract quality men. But just this past week a man gave me his card to call him ohwell, and though he was nice looking and well mannered, I just realized--besides not being the one to call--that I had no interest in talking to random men just for the sake of doing so, when it seemed clear from a couple of other factors that we wouldn't be well matched. Now, a few years ago? Well, I liked the attention. But now I'm just like So I do agree that a woman can keep the stream of men constant if she responds to any and every one who is interested in her; but there are still enough solid men out there that all is not lost for a woman with standards.

 

[LivingInPeace]

I don't know the answer to this. I think some of it is bad luck, some of it is dealing with demographics, some of it is being at a stage in life where you're no longer settling. I'm 43 and most of my single friends are in my age group. At this point they've been single for a long time. They know what they want from a man and recognize very quickly when he doesn't show signs that he has it. So they end relationships much quicker than they did when they were in their twenties. They also know that they have survived being single and it's not a death sentence. The basic philosophy is that they want a man but know that they can be happy without one. If he comes along, great, if not, then I still go on about my business like I've been doing.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

As much as I'd love to be in a relationship right now, I know it's for the best that I'm not (most of the time). I'm in grad school and my main focus is my career. Things are very much in flux and given my chosen field there's a chance I might move out of the country when I start working. Also, given what my classmates are dealing with in their relationships while they get ready to launch their careers, there's no way I'd be able to handle relationship issues and school.

If I focused more energy on it, I could find someone and it's not like opportunities haven't come up. I just haven't found a man with what I'm looking for. But that might be a good thing because IMO the worst thing that could happen is I meet a man with everything I'm looking for, but have to give him up because the timing isn't right.

 

[hopeful]

I'm glad you said this because I really do think it makes a big difference in the experience a woman has in relationships. But what causes women to pine? idk, father issues perhaps--but it's more common than that. I remember at one point I had this thing where I didn't want to "lose" and so it was like I had something to prove by refusing to let it go.

Also, I think that women can often value a man more for who he is on paper and in others' opinions than for who he is to her and for her. So, falling for a man because he has x, y, and z qualities that make him great; but without really reflecting on how devoted he is to you, how he brightens your life and your future. It seems like the question of "Who is he for me?" is more fundamental than "Who is he in the world?" How great a man is on paper should only matter if he's really giving of himself to you. (general you)

...

to the bolded. I have had grown, married women, act a fool over my husband in front of me and their own husband. I think it's idiocy. Again, it's so strange and weird to me. I think my dh is wonderful because of who he is deep inside and because of what he does for me and our daughters. I would love him if he were a construction worker. I recently had to drop a friend because she was so in awe toward my husband. I was just like he ain't doing ish for you so why you care so much about what he's doing? I'm like love and appreciate the one who loves and wants you. I felt sorry for this friend's husband. How embarrassing to have a wife going gaga over other men just because they are successful.

 

[Solila]

I think it might have to do with voicing their demands and or requirements of what they want in man. It almost looks like women are limiting themselves when they insist on doing this.
BUT I can say that writing out what you want (keeping that to yourself) does work. Oprah had a special about this.
Also waiting on the right man to come........:/ Be bold! See something, say something. The worst thing that can happen : he's taken, gay, or just not interested. There are pleanty of fish in the see and competition in all forms. LOL

 

[LoveisYou]

I think it might have to do with voicing their demands and or requirements of what they want in man. It almost looks like women are limiting themselves when they insist on doing this.
BUT I can say that writing out what you want (keeping that to yourself) does work. Oprah had a special about this.
Also waiting on the right man to come........:/ Be bold! See something, say something. The worst thing that can happen : he's taken, gay, or just not interested. There are pleanty of fish in the see and competition in all forms. LOL

This is such a great point! I've seen and experienced other people (men and women) try to guilt women out of their standards. I mean simple basic standards. People will try to impose their own standards (or lack of standards) on you. Know who YOU are, what you can or can't tolerate and what's important to you. Don't allow another person to make you feel guilty for your desires. You have to live with and share your bed, life and future with the person you end up with, so you get to decide.

 

[Okay]

Can only speak for myself.

Im not attractive enough I guess. Working on it though.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Can only speak for myself.

Im not attractive enough I guess. Working on it though.

Okay is that you in your avi? If so, just stop it. That's not the reason. Don't ever say that again.

 

[*SkolarStar*]

Can only speak for myself.

Im not attractive enough I guess. Working on it though.

The reason isn't that you are unnattractive. The reason is that you think you are.

 

[TopShelf]

Because some women DARE to have standards.

 

[CarLiTa]

I don't buy the belief that women who are perpetually single somehow have better standards than the women who are in relationships. One: I say this as someone who is NOT a serial monogamist. Two: I dislike the term 'perpetually single' for all the gloom and doom it carries. Why would any woman want to think that of herself?

Anyway, to my point, if a woman believes that the fact that she hasn't been in a relationship for a long time means she's got better qualities than the women IN relationships, what does that say about her prospects and her real (not imagined) chances at finding the one?
I think it's kind of defeatist to look at your dating options as a struggle to weed out bad seeds. I also think, when that 'perpetually single' woman fiiiinally finds herself with someone, she might throw herself into quickly because, well, if all along she thought she was better than the others, then this relationship MUST be the one... and that could be dangerous.

I don't like to analyze why I am single, as though being single is a flaw. I HAVE analyzed why a particular situation didn't work out (and sometimes I will analyze it to death) so I really like what hopeful and nikola wrote above. My life has so many things that fulfill me, and I am going to revel in ALL of them.

What nikola also stated above is my issue: I could be in a relationship with the people who really want me, and I choose not to be. Why? Because I want to feel that I'm choosing them in return, too I know what it is like to choose AND be chosen, and that was my best relationship, so I feel like I am holding out for a connection like that. On the other hand, I have never tried going for someone who chose me... I wouldn't be settling, if anyone is worried... I COULD open myself to falling in love with someone like that, but I've been too reluctant to try it.

I think when I realized that relationships happen when 2 people connect and BOTH want to and decide to act on that connection, I calmed down and stopped worrying or self-analyzing. You could do everything the 'right' way, whatever that is, and if the cards aren't right, or the other person isn't in the same place, it won't happen. You may force it, but you'll expose yourself to so much unnecessary hardship and heartache. So, chill out... look for a connection but don't try to fabricate one. And if one isn't there, it's not your fault.

 

[jhcprincess]

I don't buy the belief that women who are perpetually single somehow have better standards than the women who are in relationships. One: I say this as someone who is NOT a serial monogamist. Two: I dislike the term 'perpetually single' for all the gloom and doom it carries. Why would any woman want to think that of herself?

Anyway, to my point, if a woman believes that the fact that she hasn't been in a relationship for a long time means she's got better qualities than the women IN relationships, what does that say about her prospects and her real (not imagined) chances at finding the one?
I think it's kind of defeatist to look at your dating options as a struggle to weed out bad seeds. I also think, when that 'perpetually single' woman fiiiinally finds herself with someone, she might throw herself into quickly because, well, if all along she thought she was better than the others, then this relationship MUST be the one... and that could be dangerous.

I don't like to analyze why I am single, as though being single is a flaw. I HAVE analyzed why a particular situation didn't work out (and sometimes I will analyze it to death) so I really like what hopeful and nikola wrote above. My life has so many things that fulfill me, and I am going to revel in ALL of them.

What nikola also stated above is my issue: I could be in a relationship with the people who really want me, and I choose not to be. Why? Because I want to feel that I'm choosing them in return, too I know what it is like to choose AND be chosen, and that was my best relationship, so I feel like I am holding out for a connection like that. On the other hand, I have never tried going for someone who chose me... I wouldn't be settling, if anyone is worried... I COULD open myself to falling in love with someone like that, but I've been too reluctant to try it.

I think when I realized that relationships happen when 2 people connect and BOTH want to and decide to act on that connection, I calmed down and stopped worrying or self-analyzing. You could do everything the 'right' way, whatever that is, and if the cards aren't right, or the other person isn't in the same place, it won't happen. You may force it, but you'll expose yourself to so much unnecessary hardship and heartache. So, chill out... look for a connection but don't try to fabricate one. And if one isn't there, it's not your fault.

I love this whole post The bolded is me allll day every day... sigh

 

[Marley4920]

Some women are not confident that they can pick and/or identify a quality mate. What you _want_ is not neccessarily want you _need_ for happiness & longevity. With all the confusing & misleading info in books, mags & tv, I can see how difficult it could be for some.