Why are people afraid of perpetually single women?

[softblackcotton]

To make myself clear: I am not talking about women who are currently single, but actively dating. I am not even talking about women who 've been currently single for long time yet have had at least one serious long-term relationship in their lives. I am talking about PERPETUALLY SINGLE women (over than age of 25) who have never experienced a long-term romantic relationship in their entire lives so far.

At my age, 26, it seems like when people find out about my non-existent dating history they get completely uncomfortable for a moment. The older I get the worst people seem to react.

The majority of people ASSUME I've had plenty of dating and relationship experience. It's kind of funny to see their reactions when they found out I have NAUGHT!

That is why, offline, I hardly ever bring up my non-romantic history, because I KNOW people will usually judge me and start to act weird. However, the times when I am compelled mention it, it's usually because some people are so determined to delve into my business.

The following are a few examples from my off-line life:

EXAMPLE 1:

An older lady, let's call her my "mentor" asks me "so are you seeing anyone? anyone special?"

Me: "No."

"Mentor" (BOLDLY) "How come? You're an attractive young lady."

Me: "I don't know I guess nobody is really attracted to me. I never had a boyfriend.
"Mentor": *clears throat and averts eyes* (a moment of uncomfortable silences proceeds before a quick change of subject)

EXAMPLE 2

My Uncle's wife: "Where's your boyfriend? Is that your boyfriend?"

Me: "No. That's my cousin. I never really had a boyfriend."

My Uncle's wife: OH. *quickly walks away.*

EXAMPLE 3

My Aunt: "Softblackcotton, how old are you? 24/25? So you must've had a few boyfriends by now. (Telling my cousin) Talk to her, I bet she has more recent experience than I with these guys out here.

Me: "Nope, she probably has more experience than me at 16 than I'll ever have at 25. I've never even had any relationships."

My Aunt and Cousin: WOW Really?! *shake heads and walk away*


EXAMPLE 4

A Co-worker: " I can't wait to fall in love again. Sometimes, being in love is great, you know?"

Me: "Nope, I don't know."

Co-worker: "What you've never been in love?"

Me: "Nope, not even close. No boyfriend ever."

Co-worker: *After an uncomfortable silence* "I like this song. One of my favorite artists. Trying to figure out what I want eat for lunch..."

There are many more examples, but for the most part people seem to get QUITE uncomfortable when they find out about me because their assumptions about me are debunked and they feel like I am someone they can't figure out. Sometimes, I could almost see the cogs in the head turning as they wonder: "How come she's never had not even one boyfriend at her age?!What the heck is wrong with her?!"

Honestly, I don't really know what the heck is wrong with me. If I did, I wouldn't be the way I am now. I have been praying about it and I hope that helps.


MY Question is:

Why do you think some people would react so weirdly?

Would you react the same way if you find out an "attractive" (I guess, whatever) friend over the age of 25 never had a serious long-term relationship with anyone?

Why do people think it is so easy for someone to just have a SO?! To gain romantic experience just because your are a certain?! Like you can just go out a find someone in a SNAP?! Especially in this economy?

Anyway, I think it's pretty impossible. I am trying to get used to the fact that I could be single for the rest of my life.

 

[Duchesse]

I...so....feel...you! I'm 28 and have never been in a relationship over 5 months long .I've been tempted to lie and add some months to my dating history just so people don't think I'm a weirdo...esp. when interacting with new men. I'm attractive, smart, blahblah, but for various reasons I'm always single...I haven't been in a "relationship" for 2 1/2 years.

Honestly I wish I could answer your question. I think people automatically think something must be wrong with you or you have some emotional issues (which may or may not be true ) when they see that you don't have extensive relationship experience. Most people I know started dating when they were 14yrs old. so by the time they were 20 (when I started dating) they were already lightyears ahead of me in that arena.

 

[softblackcotton]

I...so....feel...you! I'm 28 and have never been in a relationship over 5 months long .I've been tempted to lie and add some months to my dating history just so people don't think I'm a weirdo...esp. when interacting with new men. I'm attractive, smart, blahblah, but for various reasons I'm always single...I haven't been in a "relationship" for 2 1/2 years.

Honestly I wish I could answer your question. I think people automatically think something must be wrong with you or you have some emotional issues (which may or may not be true ) when they see that you don't have extensive relationship experience. Most people I know started dating when they were 14yrs old. so by the time they were 20 (when I started dating) they were already lightyears ahead of me in that arena.

Oh man Duchesse, I admit I have my quirks, but compared the "Craziness" I see getting guy after guy after guy out there, I am pretty normal. I don't see myself busting windows out of cars or fighting over a guy. What's up with that dating at 14 years old mess? That's why some of those people look so OLD in the face by the time they reach 25. I believe too much sexual experience with too many different people ages you.

 

[*CherryPie*]

I'm sorry, but those senarios were funny!

Do you go out and do things to meet men? I know it's not easy for everyone, but there's people out there for you. Just because you haven't met them yet, doesn't mean you won't.

 

[softblackcotton]

I'm sorry, but those senarios were funny!

Do you go out and do things to meet men? I know it's not easy for everyone, but there's people out there for you. Just because you haven't met them yet, doesn't mean you won't.

HA HA CherryPie! I'm glad you find my pain funny.

 

[ebonylocs]

I think people are reacting in that way because you frame it negatively (putting yourself down), and because you're unnecessarily oversharing, especially in Examples 1 and 2.

These statements
"I don't know I guess nobody is really attracted to me. I never had a boyfriend." and
"No. That's my cousin. I never really had a boyfriend."

are both answers that would leave me a little nonplussed too when I hadn't asked you about your dating history. Your volunteering that info implies that you are seeking pity or reassurance or being argumentative, and if people don't want to "go there" with you, well, they'll just avoid the discussion. What can they say? "Awwww."? "Don't worry, your day will come."? Anything they say is likely to seem patronising or flippant, or hurtful.

If someone asks you "Why aren't you seeing anyone, since you're so attractive?" it is sufficient to say "I guess I just haven't met the right person."

If someone asks you, "Is that your boyfriend?" it is sufficient to just say, "No."

 

[Duchesse]

I got to thinking about some past conversations, and the majority of reactions have been incredulous and drawn out "really?"'s. So on one hand, you can take it as a compliment. People just can't imagine that someone so fabulous and wonderful could be single.

.....and there's no reason to think that you will be single for the rest of your life!

 

[*CherryPie*]

I'm not finding your pain funny. My creativity just got the best of me, that's all.

HA HA CherryPie! I'm glad you find my pain funny.

 

[SmileyNY]

I have been in long-term relationships, but I can relate. I'm in my late 20's & I do not mix my romantic and family lives AT ALL. I don't need that kind of pressure and I really don't think it's any of their business unless I'm with someone who I feel I could spend the rest of my life with. FOR THIS REASON, my family assumes that I hardly ever date. Some of them might think I'm a virgin Others might even think I'm a lesbian I don't care. I've seen what happens when my sisters and cousins bring their significant (or insignificant lol) others around the family. It gets too deep & then when it doesn't work out, they have to put up with a million & 1 questions until they bring the NEXT one around Yea, no. I'd rather continue dodging the "are you seeing anyone" question than have my family all up in my romantic life.

 

[TrueToHair]

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[MarcustheWu]

ebonylocs+1
Honestly, I have a similar dating history as you do, and even I felt uncomfortable reading your responses. Also, even if you do frame your answers in a neutral manner, you still might get some uncomfortable responses, because people still might feel pity or feel that you are looking for sympathy because of their own feelings about single women. However, ebonylocs' suggestion should help some.

ETA: Oops, sorry. Just missed the last 2 questions.
Would you react the same way if you find out an "attractive" (I guess, whatever) friend over the age of 25 never had a serious long-term relationship with anyone?
No, not really, but I am biased, because like I said, I have a similar dating history.

Why do people think it is so easy for someone to just have a SO?! To gain romantic experience just because your are a certain?! Like you can just go out a find someone in a SNAP?! Especially in this economy?
Because many people do not respect the fact that different people have different experiences. It can be a point of pride or just thinking that is normal to have the same luck with relationships; therefore, they think something must be wrong with other people who do not have the same romantic experiences.

 

[TrueToHair]

.................................

 

[Chocolatelove2010]

You don't seem to be happy with your choice, and it's reflected in the answers you give.

When I'm single, I'm so happy. These knee-grows sometimes get on my nervse so much I swear off all men for a while. So when people ask if I'm with anybody I say no with a smile because I'm truly happy

I wouldn't say I've had a real serious ren'tlationship either. But right now I'm not looking for one either. It sounds like you kind of one want....

Number 1 rule - don't EVER say you're not attractive enough. Every girl has heaven between her legs, dontchu know that. You just have found somebody you click with.

I think you need to work on your inner self. You have to love yourself before anybody loves you.

P.S - Having a clean past is what everybody wants. Lord knows I deny some of the knee-grows I've dated.

Hey 'chocolate' you used to date that guy right.

Nope. Never seen him in my life.

 

[lushcoils]

Why do people think it is so easy for someone to just have a SO?! To gain romantic experience just because your are a certain?! Like you can just go out a find someone in a SNAP?! Especially in this economy?

Anyway, I think it's pretty impossible. I am trying to get used to the fact that I could be single for the rest of my life.

You've said in several posts that many men have try to get with you, but you have turned them down. So you're choosing to be single; not forced to be. You could get a SO.

 

[Kalani]

Oh man Duchesse, I admit I have my quirks, but compared the "Craziness" I see getting guy after guy after guy out there, I am pretty normal. I don't see myself busting windows out of cars or fighting over a guy. What's up with that dating at 14 years old mess? That's why some of those people look so OLD in the face by the time they reach 25. I believe too much sexual experience with too many different people ages you.

Nice to know my perpetual state of celibacy possibly may have some beauty benefits .
Oddly enough everyone always mistakes me for being in my mid- twenties when actually I'm 33.

 

[softblackcotton]

I think people are reacting in that way because you frame it negatively (putting yourself down), and because you're unnecessarily oversharing, especially in Examples 1 and 2.

These statements
"I don't know I guess nobody is really attracted to me. I never had a boyfriend." and
"No. That's my cousin. I never really had a boyfriend."

are both answers that would leave me a little nonplussed too when I hadn't asked you about your dating history. Your volunteering that info implies that you are seeking pity or reassurance or being argumentative, and if people don't want to "go there" with you, well, they'll just avoid the discussion. What can they say? "Awwww."? "Don't worry, your day will come."? Anything they say is likely to seem patronising or flippant, or hurtful.

If someone asks you "Why aren't you seeing anyone, since you're so attractive?" it is sufficient to say "I guess I just haven't met the right person."

If someone asks you, "Is that your boyfriend?" it is sufficient to just say, "No."

Yeah, I guess I have a tendency to overshare with just a few words.
However, I am not trying to induce pity or sympathy from people when I say it. I usually say it because I can't help it. It's like I have Overshare Tourette's or something.
Whenever people strike up conversations about love and relationships in my midst, I want to BURST OUT and TELL THEM MY SHAMEFUL SECRET but instead I get deathly silent and strain to keep it all inside. All the shame. thank goodness I have this forum as my outlet or I would have to seek therapy.

I know they are wondering why I have so much to say about everything else, but when it comes to love and relationships I am all zipped up.
Since I turned 21, there is hardly one day that passes when I don't think about my inability to kindle a normal, adult romantic relationship. So whenever I get opportunity to share, I tend to OVERSHARE.

 

[softblackcotton]

Nice to know my perpetual state of celibacy possibly may have some beauty benefits .
Oddly enough everyone always mistakes me for being in my mid- twenties when actually I'm 33.

Girl you are not lying. People often mistake me for late teens to early twenties and I am 26 and 5'9". I always get carded for the drinks. People think I go to the local high school near my job. I got carded three times at the movie theather last year when I was 25. I was like

 

[softblackcotton]

You've said in several posts that many men have try to get with you, but you have turned them down. So you're choosing to be single; not forced to be. You could get a SO.

That is one my quirks. I don't know why the heck I do what I do when it comes to men and dating. I am seriously thinking of seeking therapy.

 

[softblackcotton]

You don't seem to be happy with your choice, and it's reflected in the answers you give.

When I'm single, I'm so happy. These knee-grows sometimes get on my nervse so much I swear off all men for a while. So when people ask if I'm with anybody I say no with a smile because I'm truly happy

I wouldn't say I've had a real serious ren'tlationship either. But right now I'm not looking for one either. It sounds like you kind of one want....

Number 1 rule - don't EVER say you're not attractive enough. Every girl has heaven between her legs, dontchu know that. You just have found somebody you click with.

I think you need to work on your inner self. You have to love yourself before anybody loves you.

P.S - Having a clean past is what everybody wants. Lord knows I deny some of the knee-grows I've dated.

Hey 'chocolate' you used to date that guy right.

Nope. Never seen him in my life.

Ummm, no I would be utterly and completely depressed if I found out somebody was only staying with me because of "heaven between my legs" especially since I plan to remain a virgin until marriage or until pigs fly. Nobody would know the goings on between my legs before that.

 

[TrueToHair]

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[softblackcotton]

Ebonylocs - you are very straightforward and wise. You remind me of Prudence in the following article (Note: I'm NOT comparing softblackcotton to this letter writer; but your response really reminds me of Prudie):

Too Ugly To Flirt

I'm plain-looking and don't feel comfortable seducing men. Is that normal?

Updated Thursday, Nov. 12, 2009, at 7:07 AM ET

Dear Prudie,
How do I find out whether I am attractive? I have always believed that I am plain. I try to dress well and take care of myself, but my face and body simply aren't going to stop traffic. I have a good sense of humor, am a good conversationalist, and have lots of friends. I have had romantic relationships, but not in a very long time. I chalk that up to circumstance, timing, chemistry, and (honestly) my plainness. Men are visually oriented, and I think I have an honest understanding of what society considers attractive. As a result, I don't flirt. To me, there is little more pathetic than an unattractive woman flirting as though she is hot stuff. But my friends want me to find someone, so they tell me to engage in behaviors that I don't think jibe with what I look like—dress provocatively, flirt, try to be seductive. They tell me that I am attractive, but they are either lying or trying to make me feel better. How do I find out? And does it matter whether I am objectively attractive?
—Plain Jane


Dear Plain,
I've never seen you, yet I can guarantee that you are much better looking than you think you are, and your friends are sick of your unstyled hair, your baggy clothes, your unflattering glasses, your comfy shoes, and your face untouched by makeup. Don't be surprised if they have discussed having an intervention and nominating you to be on What Not To Wear. You probably have striking eyes, or great bone structure, or lovely legs, and they can't understand why you want to go through life presenting yourself as a walking Hefty bag. I think you're protecting yourself from rejection by your own pre-emptive approach of daring any man to find you attractive. If you actually made an effort to look and act alluring, and men didn't respond, that would hurt. So you do everything you can to scream, "I am not interested in an encounter with the opposite sex!" And when they get your message, you proudly say you will not be the kind of woman who humiliates herself by using the devices of seduction. I say, listen to your friends when they tell you it's time for a makeover. That doesn't mean you have to come off like some desperate hussy. It means using the expertise of a makeup artist and a personal shopper to polish up your exterior so that you can draw in potential suitors who will then be delighted with your sterling qualities.

http://www.slate.com/id/2235351/

The bolded are like they were taken from the story of my life. It's not even funny. I like comfy shoes though. I hardly wear heals because I'm nearly flat-footed and I am seriously 6'1" in heels. as for the other appearance things, ahhhhh....

 

[softblackcotton]

I have been in long-term relationships, but I can relate. I'm in my late 20's & I do not mix my romantic and family lives AT ALL. I don't need that kind of pressure and I really don't think it's any of their business unless I'm with someone who I feel I could spend the rest of my life with. FOR THIS REASON, my family assumes that I hardly ever date. Some of them might think I'm a virgin Others might even think I'm a lesbian I don't care. I've seen what happens when my sisters and cousins bring their significant (or insignificant lol) others around the family. It gets too deep & then when it doesn't work out, they have to put up with a million & 1 questions until they bring the NEXT one around Yea, no. I'd rather continue dodging the "are you seeing anyone" question than have my family all up in my romantic life.

Yep, I've definitely gotten the lesbian speculation. I just made one joke and now people seriously think I am a lesbian.

 

[MizAvalon]

I don't really think I would use the phrase "perpetually single" to describe you. 26 seems a little young for that.

Now if you were 40, then yes.

 

[Chocolatelove2010]

Ummm, no I would be utterly and completely depressed if I found out somebody was only staying with me because of "heaven between my legs" especially since I plan to remain a virgin until marriage or until pigs fly. Nobody would know the goings on between my legs before that.

I'm all for saving it too, don't get me wrong. What I meant was, a man will chase you/and want you because you're a woman. Well the straight ones

Anyway if you're happy with being single that is ALL that matters. If not, then go out and mingle

 

[softblackcotton]

1. Cultural - and everyone has different opinions. I say if you are comfortable with who you are, don't let it bother you. I've traveled all over the world, and everyone has their own little opinions about single women. My southern belle friends/Somali friends think I'm strange for not being married in my early twenties; my New York friends would be appalled if I got engaged so early. I say don't sweat it.

2. Maybe they haven't found anyone they clicked with, or perhaps their living situation hasn't put them in the environment to "find" someone. Some towns that I had to live in were virtually impossible for finding a mate. Whereas in cities like Dallas or Boston, there were numerous opportunities to just meet up and meet people.

3. A lot of times, these people come from environments where they are set up, or it is something they are raised to do. I know people who were virtually set up in church, or raised to have a boyfriend at age 16. A lot of people are culturally biased and don't accept the unfamiliar. I've learned not to worry about them. The world is too big (7 billion people) and life is too short.

4. It's your choice, and I say do what makes you comfortable. BUT I don't want you to believe you HAVE to be single. Even if you are in a poor environment for meeting people OR aren't comfortable just initiating things, you should try more creative ways. There are scores of websites for meeting people http://www.meetup.com http://www.okcupid.com http://www.afrointroductions.com just to name a few. You shouldn't give up. You find LHCF because you were determined to, right? I wouldn't give up.

Thank You Rejuvenation. You actually answered my questions. I actually do believe my life at the time limits opportunities. I hardly every meet anyone new during the week days. I go to work and then I go home most days. My office only has 8 employees (6 of them are women). One guy is gay and the other is married. at my church, everyone is old...er and/or married. the few times I do go out it's with my girl friends and we co** block all night. I've had opportunities to date really attractive guys , but I'm scared of them. I am thinking about seeking therapy along with my praying.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Although I'm only 22, I feel like I could of written this thread. Sometimes I feel like such a dupe because I know plenty girls my age who have been married, had several children, etc. In fact, my own mother was married at this age (lol) I joke all the time that "I haven't had a man so much as hold my hand!"

 

[TrueToHair]

..............................

 

[softblackcotton]

Although I'm only 22, I feel like I could of written this thread. Sometimes I feel like such a dupe because I know plenty girls my age who have been married, had several children, etc. In fact, my own mother was married at this age (lol) I joke all the time that "I haven't had a man so much as hold my hand!"

I know. We ladies should probably start a "Perpetually Single Anonymous" therapy group. My parents also got married at 22. Not only that they had like 3-4 serious relationships before that. They've been happily married nearly 29 years. I wouldn't have minded getting married straight out of college if I had a college sweetheart. Several of my friends who dated all during college are now married.

However, You can keep that "had several children" bit. Everyone I know from 18-30 has had (several) children and 99.9% are not married. I don't want children until I feel I could have no more fun in my life. Let's just be glad we don't have children at our ages. Ahhhh I feel better now, self-therapy. That's it. Next time somebody asks me about a "boyfriend" I will say "I don't want children" and keep it moving.

 

[Makenzie]

I think people are reacting in that way because you frame it negatively (putting yourself down), and because you're unnecessarily oversharing, especially in Examples 1 and 2.

These statements
"I don't know I guess nobody is really attracted to me. I never had a boyfriend." and
"No. That's my cousin. I never really had a boyfriend."

are both answers that would leave me a little nonplussed too when I hadn't asked you about your dating history. Your volunteering that info implies that you are seeking pity or reassurance or being argumentative, and if people don't want to "go there" with you, well, they'll just avoid the discussion. What can they say? "Awwww."? "Don't worry, your day will come."? Anything they say is likely to seem patronising or flippant, or hurtful.

If someone asks you "Why aren't you seeing anyone, since you're so attractive?" it is sufficient to say "I guess I just haven't met the right person."

If someone asks you, "Is that your boyfriend?" it is sufficient to just say, "No."

Softblackcotton, ebonyloc's post above is exactly how I was reacting to your post.

I have been in long-term relationships, but I can relate. I'm in my late 20's & I do not mix my romantic and family lives AT ALL. I don't need that kind of pressure and I really don't think it's any of their business unless I'm with someone who I feel I could spend the rest of my life with. FOR THIS REASON, my family assumes that I hardly ever date. Some of them might think I'm a virgin Others might even think I'm a lesbian I don't care. I've seen what happens when my sisters and cousins bring their significant (or insignificant lol) others around the family. It gets too deep & then when it doesn't work out, they have to put up with a million & 1 questions until they bring the NEXT one around Yea, no. I'd rather continue dodging the "are you seeing anyone" question than have my family all up in my romantic life.

My brother had the same attitude as you. When he brought his now wife around the family, we knew it was a big deal because he NEVER mixed his family life with his romantic life. Never. And we tried to get in his business.

 

[softblackcotton]

•I hardly every meet anyone new during the week days.
•I go to work and then I go home most days.
•My office only has 8 employees (6 of them are women)
•One guy is gay and the other is married.
• at church everyone is old...er and/or married.
•the few times I do go out it's with my girl friends and we co** block all night.

^There you have it. If I knew you personally, I would DEFINITELY encourage you to seek creative ways to meet people. Your environment isn't doing it for you. Modern technology is a godsend. Use it! You didn't let your environment limit you from finding LHCF. Don't let it limit you in this case.

But rejuvenation, I sadly tried online dating. I had several profiles and all the guys turned out to be really crappy. I forgot to mention I do have extremely short-term, essentially shallow dating experience with unsavory guys. Did I mention I live in Atlanta? Maybe I have to move...to a different country.