Why are LTRs doomed to fail?

[Maracujá]

When I was a teenager, my mother taught me that serious, commited, LTRs always led to marriage. I'm now in my twenties and I realize that it's not always the case. In fact I know more than five different couples that were together for 5+ years - some lived together, knew each others families,...etc - but never got married and are no longer together. What is it about long term relationships that makes them...fail in most cases? What are your thoughts on this? Have you experienced the opposite? Please share.

 

[Lynnerie]

IMO I think long term relationships fail because usually the man is getting everything he wants so why commit. In most cases, one person gets everything they need and want and then they see something better.

This is why I don't do long-term relationships. I can't waste my good years on a man and it not lead to marriage. I don't believe in long engagements either. I like a man that knows what he wants and goes for it not a procrastinator.

 

[ladylibra_30]

I've heard of 2 or 3 couples/folks who were in LTR, eventually married, & then the marriage failed shortly after.

I've heard of couples where one partner is down on (his) luck and once (he) is thriving he leaves for greener pastures.

SAD - all of it!

 

[Syrah]

I'd say you were sold an unrealistic expectation as are many people when it comes to LTRs and marriage. You're not alone - we're all being sold the same "wedded bliss" nonsense.

I think the failure of most LTR's in most cases comes down to a lack of commitment. People engage in LTRs without intent. It's like having a job instead of finding a career. Jobs offer pay checks and insurance benefits. Careers involve mentors, and sponsors, paths, goals and end points. Successful LTRs are the same way. Instead folks aren't committed to the relationship - sure they've been together forever, and may possibly even live together or have children together, but that "by any means necessary" attitude that existed with our parents and grandparents simply isn't there because there are no mentors, paths, goals and end points.

I also think the role of LTRs in society is changing and our expectations haven't caught up with the changes yet. Back in the day, LTRs lead to marriage because it was popularly believed that marriage was the ONLY suitable arrangement for children. It was the mechanism through which children are conceived, raised and introduced into society. Today, this simply isn't the case (c'mon...Ricky Martin "has" twins). Famous men and women are consciously adopting children and are being lauded for their single-parenthood.

Maybe its time we redefine the role of marriage and LTRs in society...

 

[Maracujá]

People engage in LTRs without intent. It's like having a job instead of finding a career. Jobs offer pay checks. Careers involve mentors, and sponsors, paths, goals and end points. Successful LTRs are the same way. Instead folks aren't committed to the relationship - sure they've been together forever, and may possibly even live together or have children together, but that "by any means necessary" attitude that existed with our parents and grandparents simply isn't there.

I like this analogy, never saw it that way.

 

[Syrah]

Another problem with LTRs - the Single Mentality: "This is me, take it or leave it". You see it on these boards - people questioning how much of their "single-dom" behavior should be tolerated in a LTR. "Do I have to give up going out one on one with my male friends?" If you still have urges to go out, one-on-one with your single male friends, why are you in a LTR?! Again, it's a lack of commitment.

Shouldn't LTRs be about growth, about seeing yourself from another's perspective and choosing which aspects of yourself you maintain, and which you change and grow into? Shouldn't people CHANGE with marriage?

 

[LaFemmeNaturelle]

LTR are not DOOMED to fail. That would mean entering a ltr is setting yourself up for failure which is not always the case. SOME LTR fail. Maybe the majority, idk the stats but I wouldnt say they are doomed to fail. It depends on the people involved and their situations. Most of the people I know who were in ltr during college ended up getting married. My bro has been with his now fiancee for 7 years and they are getting married next year when they graduate from medical school. I've been in mine for 3 and we are looking towards marriage after I graduate. So I think it depends on individual circumstances.

I also totally agree with the previous poster.

 

[gabulldawg]

When I was a teenager, my mother taught me that serious, commited, LTRs always led to marriage. I'm now in my twenties and I realize that it's not always the case. In fact I know more than five different couples that were together for 5+ years - some lived together, knew each others families,...etc - but never got married and are no longer together. What is it about long term relationships that makes them...fail in most cases? What are your thoughts on this? Have you experienced the opposite? Please share.

I thought the same thing, and then got burned in my first serious LTR. I think the issue was that I THOUGHT I was doing everything to prove that I was marriage material. I cooked, I cleaned, I bought stuff for HIS house (hoping that one day it would be OUR house). I did everything to "prove" myself to him. But at the end of the day I realized that I was doing way too much without any type of commitment. I definitely regret wasting those years and didn't make the same mistake in my next relationship. Things moved a lot quicker, but I actually prefer it this way. No wasted time.

I think people just have to be careful when they get into LTR's. IMO LTR's are a waste of time. If it's been over 2 years and y'all are still just "boyfriend/girlfriend" then something isn't right. Most men know whether you're "the one" or not pretty fast. If they realize you're not the one, but you continue to try to "prove" that to him, he will continue to string you along until he finds something better.

 

[loolalooh]

I thought the same thing, and then got burned in my first serious LTR. I think the issue was that I THOUGHT I was doing everything to prove that I was marriage material. I cooked, I cleaned, I bought stuff for HIS house (hoping that one day it would be OUR house). I did everything to "prove" myself to him. But at the end of the day I realized that I was doing way too much without any type of commitment. I definitely regret wasting those years and didn't make the same mistake in my next relationship. Things moved a lot quicker, but I actually prefer it this way. No wasted time.

Same here. I feel like it was wasted time, especially after meeting the family multiple times, going on family vacays, family weddings, etc.

I think people just have to be careful when they get into LTR's. IMO LTR's are a waste of time.

Agree.

If it's been over 2 years and y'all are still just "boyfriend/girlfriend" then something isn't right.

Agree.

Most men know whether you're "the one" or not pretty fast. If they realize you're not the one, but you continue to try to "prove" that to him, he will continue to string you along until he finds something better.

And agree. Most (if not all) marriages that I've heard about, the man knew within a year.

 

[loolalooh]

P.S. My statements are for LTRs post college. I wouldn't expect an 18-yr old to get married at 20.

 

[gabulldawg]

Same here. I feel like it was wasted time, especially after meeting the family multiple times, going on family vacays, family weddings, etc.



Agree.



Agree.



And agree. Most (if not all) marriages that I've heard about, the man knew within a year.

Girl, yes. I was at all of the family gatherings. Such a waste. Sometimes I look back and STILL get mad at myself. It took a lot for me to get over that relationship and "forgive" myself for being such a fool. But hey, you live and learn. I guess I'm a better/stronger person for it.

I agree that most men know within the first couple of months if you are "the one." My DH said he knew within about 6 months.

 

[Maracujá]

I also talked about this with my sister and she said that the new phenomenon are 'serial LTRs' (I don't know if the term exists in the US), but basically a person will date person #1 for 2 years, then person #2 for 5 years, then #3 for 3 years and so on...without ever really commiting to either one. It's a way of not contracting an STD - at least not like you would if you were just sleeping around - but still having the freedom to be 'a playa'

 

[LaFemmeNaturelle]

P.S. My statements are for LTRs post college. I wouldn't expect an 18-yr old to get married at 20.

Thanks for clearing that up....well then yeah it is a waste of time


Oddly enough, I keep finding out about my friend's parents who haven't been married for the past 20 years they've been together OR they just got married last year. Crazy.

Even crazier, my friends parents never married and she recently found out the man was cheating on her so she left him (stole some of his money in the process) but its like dang...you wasted all those years AND you aren't entitled to anything smh. SO OT

Carry on.....

 

[kismettt]

I also talked about this with my sister and she said that the new phenomenon are 'serial LTRs' (I don't know if the term exists in the US), but basically a person will date person #1 for 2 years, then person #2 for 5 years, then #3 for 3 years and so on...without ever really commiting to either one. It's a way of not contracting an STD - at least not like you would if you were just sleeping around - but still having the freedom to be 'a playa'

i thought that was for people who don't like to be alone.

 

[kismettt]

When I was a teenager, my mother taught me that serious, commited, LTRs always led to marriage. I'm now in my twenties and I realize that it's not always the case. In fact I know more than five different couples that were together for 5+ years - some lived together, knew each others families,...etc - but never got married and are no longer together. What is it about long term relationships that makes them...fail in most cases? What are your thoughts on this? Have you experienced the opposite? Please share.

i do think marriage is no longer considered a given after 4+ years of dating. i don't think there's anything wrong with that (hopefully they aren't doing anything to make a clean break messy--kids, buying a house, paying for her tuition through law school ) but maybe both people should (if they do eventually want to get married in general) figure out why they don't want to marry that person.

i guess it's better to be in a 4 year relationship & break up then to be 4 years, get married, & divorced. i think people don't have realistic expectations (sometimes) of LTRs & marriage. like, the cycle of a normal relationship may seem like a "red flag/get out now" for those in LTRs, instead of realizing that's just how it goes. for some, if it becomes routine/no more fireworks, they are like "....i think i should leave".

idk i don't really know of anyone in my life who has been in a LTR & isn't engaged/married/really young. my cousin is 20 & he's been dating a girl for almost 4 years. my family actually was against their relationship because they were so serious so young. idk. i haven't seen all the stereotypes of women acting like a wife & not ending up with a commitment. so i don't really think like that.

 

[gabulldawg]

I'd venture to say that, on average, the more time spent in a relationship, the less likely the couple is to marry...

 

[Sosoothing]

Yes, pretty much what a lot have said already.

LTR are doomed to fail because they last too long.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

I also talked about this with my sister and she said that the new phenomenon are 'serial LTRs' (I don't know if the term exists in the US), but basically a person will date person #1 for 2 years, then person #2 for 5 years, then #3 for 3 years and so on...without ever really commiting to either one. It's a way of not contracting an STD - at least not like you would if you were just sleeping around - but still having the freedom to be 'a playa'

That is really sad. I think it is so important to have a DTR (defining the relationship) talk early on letting the dude know that if he comes to the realization after 3-6 months that he likes me but could only see me as a friend that I expect him to be honest and let me know. I won't be given up the cookie until marriage so i can't see why a man would hang around more than 9 months if he isn't genuinely considering eventually marrying me. if however, a dude is getting some consistent and serious attention in the "art" department then i can see how he may drag out a relationship he really doesn't plan to take to the next level in order to fulfill his physical needs. i hate to say it but i've seen that happen in some relationships and the women just ends up feeling used.

 

[Sasha299]

I am the opposite. DH and I were together 5 years before we married and we just celebrated our 15 year anniversary in April.

Although we were in a relationship 5 years he only slept over 2 times that I can remember. We were always together but he always had to leave and go back to his place. We would vacation together but back at home once the clock struck 1/2 it was back to his place - we rarely hung out at his place. To this day DH still talks about how I used to kick him out of my apartment regardless of the weather.
Although we were together 5 years before we married, we were always making plans about the future together. Not just comments but actual written plans. We kept separate finances, assets, etc until the day we got married. Even borrowing funds required written contracts - he is 10 years older than I but was surprised the 1st time he offered and I whipped out a contract for both of us to sign. I also did not accept expensive gifts from him until we got married - and explained that it was a cultural thing but we do not accept certain gifts until we were married.
My mom told me one thing - never start a relationship different from how you want to continue. That meant that I never cleaned up after him, randomly cooked when I felt like it, expected a fuss made on my special day and took no crap. I actually told him he can hire a maid to clean, cook and do his laundry cause I would NEVER do it. Well I cook and clean now but he does all our laundry .
The first time we had an argument and it came up that this was not working out I was serious and told him once it is said that we are through there was no turning back - I don't go back to failed relationships. He has never said that not even in the heat of anger and we have had some whoppers - we are both hot tempered opinionated people. None of this BS wiffle waffling - that just means that they don't respect your time.
It can work but we have to mean business and stand up for ourselves.

 

[aribell]

I don't know that LTRs are doomed to fail so much as the extended period of dating may itself signal that something is amiss. Sometimes the length is due to circumstances, but it may also be that the love and feelings that the couple have for one another really aren't the kind that can sustain a marriage commitment and so it never develops into a marriage commitment.

 

[CrissieD]

Like anything else I think it depends on the people and the situation. My parents were together for 4 years before they got married (no cohabiting) and have been married since 1980. And they weren't teens or tweens or whatever they were GROWN. My mom was 29 when she got married. My dad was 33.

 

[tada1]

I am the opposite. DH and I were together 5 years before we married and we just celebrated our 15 year anniversary in April.

Although we were in a relationship 5 years he only slept over 2 times that I can remember. We were always together but he always had to leave and go back to his place. We would vacation together but back at home once the clock struck 1/2 it was back to his place - we rarely hung out at his place. To this day DH still talks about how I used to kick him out of my apartment regardless of the weather.
Although we were together 5 years before we married, we were always making plans about the future together. Not just comments but actual written plans. We kept separate finances, assets, etc until the day we got married. Even borrowing funds required written contracts - he is 10 years older than I but was surprised the 1st time he offered and I whipped out a contract for both of us to sign. I also did not accept expensive gifts from him until we got married - and explained that it was a cultural thing but we do not accept certain gifts until we were married.
My mom told me one thing - never start a relationship different from how you want to continue. That meant that I never cleaned up after him, randomly cooked when I felt like it, expected a fuss made on my special day and took no crap. I actually told him he can hire a maid to clean, cook and do his laundry cause I would NEVER do it. Well I cook and clean now but he does all our laundry .
The first time we had an argument and it came up that this was not working out I was serious and told him once it is said that we are through there was no turning back - I don't go back to failed relationships. He has never said that not even in the heat of anger and we have had some whoppers - we are both hot tempered opinionated people. None of this BS wiffle waffling - that just means that they don't respect your time.
It can work but we have to mean business and stand up for ourselves.

dang girl! i loved this post. it's been a while since i've read/heard this type of straight talk. i wish you and your husband many many many more years of marital success