Why Wasn't I Good Enough?!

[Myjourney2009]

Darn this thread as me remembering stuff from years ago. I've been asked by one man why I did not want to date him on numerous occasions. I finally got tired of him asking me and I made sure I answered him when we were outside (men can get cuckoo you know that pride thing)

I told him and he looked crushed and said "well I hope you find that man" I said "I will" he never spoke to me again OH WELL.

 

[IMFOCSD]

I have def been in this situation and I think closure is kinda necessary because it gives the person a chance to get the answers she or he has been confused about. Usually when someone has moved on they don't care too much about sparing ur feelings so to speak and will be honest for the most part...JMO

For me closure has allowed me to get answers, except reality, let go and move on...i have never asked why wasn't i good enough or anything that implies that i felt unworthy.

 

[mstrublvr]

Hello, my name is __ and I was a Jenn too. I asked the question at one point and got an earful. Kicked my already low self-esteem to the next guy who kept the ball rolling. Eventually, I got real with myself. I was the common denominator of my bad relationships. I am a beautiful black woman...smart, funny, financially secure, etc and a wife (to someone in the future).

Now, I am more cautious and more aware. Any guy will try to get some..will deceive if he can get away it. I know I am the prize so yea its weeding time. I am a better judge of character. I have guy friends who I chitchat with now and then, or may even date, but I dont play around with me anymore. No more sex before ring. Old school time.

 

[Britt]

I like that. I think another thing about this phone call is that the woman ends up viewing herself purely through the lens of this one man. Who said he's the all knowing, all wise one who can tell her her worth? It implicitly exalts him to a position that he's unworthy of. There are definitely men who will think she's just wonderful.

He said she was judgmental. Maybe he's morally suspect, you know? Maybe the things he couldn't share were things that he shouldn't have been doing or things that rightfully should have been judged. Just because he wanted someone who would, I guess, accept those things in his life doesn't mean that there was something wrong with her for not finding them acceptable. That's an example of why giving him the power to tell her what is and is not good about her is a bad idea.

I agree with this point of view. There could be good reason that she'd be judgmental of him. In any event, clearly they were not a good fit for one another. I think this could have been avoided from jump street if she didn't put herself in position to be a FWB when he told her he was only in it for a good time. If she knew she was feeling him and wanted more, she shouldn't have reduced herself to a FWB.

Guilty as charged. Not everyone deserves a long drawn out explanation, especially early on. I've known you for a month and now I've disappeared. You know what that means? It means I'm not into you, and if you can't figure it out you're probably retarded so you should KIM anyway.

My biggest problem with this Jenn girl, is not that she asked, but how she asked.

It is not a matter of "am I good enough for him" but "are we good for one another?"

by asking "Why wasn't I good enough" she is implying that she needs to know why she was not worthy of his commitment, when it is not ever a matter of worth. Unless homegirl has crazy low self esteem I just don't see asking that kind of question as 100% genuine. Asking " why wasn't i good enough" in my opinion smacks of trying to make him feel bad and guilting him for choosing not to be with her.

We all choose who we want to be with, and sometimes we miscalculate and think we have a great match when the partner in question does not agree. It happens, its called dating.

What homegirl should have asked is "Why do you think we didn't work out" or something along those lines about why the relationship never materialized. Even then, the feedback you get may not even be that helpful. For example I may define being social completely differently than someone else does, so if homeboy is like " you go out too much" that same amount which is too much for homeboy could be "you never want to go out" for the next guy because these things are relative. So even when you seek feedback, you need to take it with a grain of salt.

This is why the question needs not to be " what is wrong with me?" or "why aren't i good enough" but more " what wasn't working in this relationship (or in this case nonrelationship)?" When you ask the first question you end up with more ammunition to give yourself a complex, deem yourself unworthy of love and hate yourself. When you ask about the relationship you get feedback on where conflict arrises and you can reflect on how to manage it in the next relationship. Using my example from before about going out too much, when you look at that feedback from the relationship lense, you can realize that you need a partner who understands and has similar social habits.

Haven't you ever seen crazy homeless people with no teeth in love with one another? They work because they match, its is not a matter of who is good enough or not good enough. I mean okay I may say to my best friend "Oh Most-recent-date-guy is a loser because he smokes pot all day" but in reality we don't work not because he is a loser and i am gods gift to earth, we don't work because we have incompatible lifestyles. Tommorw he may wake up and find love with the marijuana princess of his dreams and I can go find my happily ever after with someone who enjoys looking down on drug use all day with me. It isn't REALLY about who is worthy or not. Its about a good match.

Jen girl has some serious self esteem problems if she is asking about her worthiness. But we all should have seen that from the fact that she was allowing herself to be in a half relationship for all that time when its obvious she wanted more. Getting by on emotional scraps and hoping she could grow on him or con him into a relationship with time.

I agree with this entire perspective! Just highlighted what really really drove the point home . I think dating and finding 'the one' is really all about a match and compatibility. Everything is relative, what may be ok for one person could be intolerable for another person.

I don't feel too sorry for Jen, if she knew she wanted something serious, she should NOT have settled for being a FWB, especially if dude told her from the beginning that it's what he wanted. Even if he fully divulged to her what exactly he thought was 'wrong' with her, doesn't mean another dude will have a problem with it. She could find another dude that loves her just as she is!

 

[CurlyMoo]

I have sympathy for Jenn. Everyone wants to be with someone they like and have those feelings reciprocated. There is nothing wrong with loving someone. I wouldn't be surprised if she asked a friend what she should do and they stupidly told her to call the guy and see what he says. Very few men are going to tell a woman to her face that he doesn't want her. They simply don't want to be the bad guy nor deal with her reaction.

The only closure a person can get is from moving on to someone who truely cares about them. It's tough out there people, you have to know what you want and stick to it, see the red flags and run.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I will admit, this was a tough thread to read because I've been Jenn. I agree with the rest of yall, closure is overrated. And no matter what he tells you, it's not going to satisfy you

Yeah....I've been "Jenn" too! In the past I made some mistakes and trusted guys I shouldn't have.

But then you grow, heal from it and realize that they probably weren't worth it anyway.

I wanted "closure" and all that other stuff, but in the end all he did was pretty much lie and sugar coat the truth anyway. When later on it dawned on me that he had basically pretty much lied in order to make himself look good or to go "easy" on me, I felt even MORE hurt. So no, sometimes getting verbal "closure" from the other person just isn't even worth it.

I think the only way to truly get "closure" is like you others mention...find a guy that truly LOVES and cares for YOU, and won't play these silly little games. I have yet to find him, but I know he's out there.

 

[chellero]

I thought that it was a well known fact that "I don't want a relationship right now" means "I don't want a relationship with you ever, but I will accept sex and whatever else you are willing to give until someone that I like better comes along."