Why Happy People Cheat?

I enjoyed the scenario and I honestly can't say who is best for her. Tough one, but I wish her luck!
 
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I know from first hand experience the allure of being with someone who’s “wrong” for you. I think the best relationships start out this way because it forces you to get out of your comfort zone and you both end up growing together as people.
 
caribeandiva said:
So people cheat because of lack of excitement in their lives? They wanna feel alive and the thrill of getting caught and breaking the rules is intoxicating. I found it interesting that Priya was the quintessential good girl who never really got to live her own life. No wonder she’s rebelling now. Her story could’ve easily been mine had I married my first love in my early twenties. I think rebellion is an essential rite of passage so to speak. You gotta find yourself and be free to be yourself in order to stop acting out in other ways subconsciously.
Click to expand...

Tony Robbins released a podcast on this very topic a few days ago. I believe the above sentiments are specifically referenced in part 2, but both parts are supremely insightful, so check out part 1 also if time permits.

https://www.tonyrobbins.com/podcasts/why-do-people-cheat/
 
@Flourishnikov
Listening now and DUH....my leading energy is more masculine.

Dang, I'm all jacked up according to the stuff she's talking about lol
"The more people love each other, the less passion they have" Wow.
 
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Fine 4s said:
@Flourishnikov
Listening now and DUH....my leading energy is more masculine.

Dang, I'm all jacked up according to the stuff she's talking about lol
"The more people love each other, the less passion they have" Wow.
Click to expand...

Girl, I had lots of "Aha!" moments, too! Lol

That quote about "love deriving from sameness, but passion deriving from differences" totally blew my mind and I love what they said about "the quality of your life coming from the quality of your relationships".

You are def not the only woman that leads with more masculine energy. There are quite a few threads with lots of helpful advice on this very topic. We were actually discussing this yesterday in the rich man thread.
 
In passion...what works is a disaster...
Relationships do take work huh? You gotta work at keeping that passion alive.
Lazy people like me are toast! lol
 
A lot of people are in dead end, unfulfilling relationships (or are just unfulfilled themselves) and they end up looking to fill those voids with other people. It's not just about looks, sex, etc, your relationship has to be purposeful with a common goal.

I think many people just get into things just for the surface level, fluffy stuff.
 
@movingforward13

You're the only person I've ever heard talk about their infidelity like it was really true.
Forgive my ignorance but was it? did he really cheat? Oh please don't break my heard this evening....
 
But society tends to shame people's instincts and desires to be able to experience love, feelings, and physical connections with other people.

@fluffyforever

Wow. THIS is what I was looking for, the real stuff...
Would you feel jealous or threatened about an experience that another person can bring to DH? What if he likes it so much he leaves?
I believe that we put restrictions on relationships because of fear of losing the person to another and because we love them we don't want to lose them. We put up rules because the rules will keep them in check. We even use the religious aspect to scare him or her into behaving as we think s/he ought to. But haven't we seen time and time again that nothing, absolutely nothing can stop someone from exploring, from living the live they want? So why do we keep forcing it? . Although I'm not mature enough to be able to live like what you've described, I'd like to be accepting of it. But then again, wouldn't it be just easier and simpler to find someone who can be monogamous? Live the brother of the poster above :) How long do I have to wait for that person to appear since they are so few and far between?
I commend you for having these hard talks with your DH. Has it made the marriage stronger? Has it made anyone of you less secure?
I want that level of honestly and openness with my partner although last time it happened, I wasn't very understanding lol
I took it as a warning...like hey, I have these feelings so if I cheat, you've been warned lol
But now that I'm older, I get it a LITTLE more....
 
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@Fine 4s
Of course I would feel jealous if someone else brought DH experiences that I couldn't give him but wished that I could. I just don't think my jealousy should outweight his enjoyment/happiness/peace of mind/etc. And if he wanted to abandon me and completely uproot his life because he'd rather live his life revolved around someone else then so be it. It would suck, but there's another great man (maybe even better) out there for me too.

Talking about this stuff with DH hasn't made me feel less secure at all. I do think it has made our marriage stronger. It's nice truly having one person I can discuss anything with.

I don't think I would feel secure if there were problems in our marriage. If there were problems and I told him to go act on feelings for other women, that would be inviting trouble. I would be worried that he would want to escape from the marriage.
 
Fine 4s said:
@movingforward13
You're the first person that I heard even mention that JZ cheated to B. I thought it was just rumors but no proof.
Click to expand...
That fight in the elevator was all proof the proof I needed. Most women knew what was up when Bey just stood there and did nothing while Solange whooped Jay’s butt. Beyoncé’s lemonade album confirmed it and Jay-z’s 4:44 album was further proof.
 
Fine 4s said:
@movingforward13
You're the first person that I heard even mention that JZ cheated to B. I thought it was just rumors but no proof.
Click to expand...
Ohhhhhh I thought you were talking about me (my personal situation). I apologize.

Yes- I think he cheated. Based off her Lemonade Album including visuals and his album 4:44, it seems they are telling what happened - general details. But no- I don’t know them or have any solid proof so I am imagining like everyone else. But all the media reports of them fighting in public, etc. the elevator incident, something went down.
 
And I will say this- I admire how private Bey has been with her life however I think it was the right move to say “something”... not saying she owed any of us an explanation but her fans really wanted to know what was going on.

This was done so creatively that she was able to keep her privacy but tell the story. Some of us still believe this was a marketing ploy to sell albums, some fans think he cheated, people like me (who pick up on the cues) saw the infidelity pattern unfold.
I saw this from Partition. Partition was her “Pick me” song to me. In Lemonade, she unleashed the anger she had- Don’t Hurt Yourself. The kintsugi in Sandcastles. The lyrics are more rich with deep thoughts and feeling.
And then listen to every lyric in 4:44- there is a deep understanding of reflection there. But of course we don’t really know so just all assumptions.
 
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Fine 4s said:
But society tends to shame people's instincts and desires to be able to experience love, feelings, and physical connections with other people.

@fluffyforever

Wow. THIS is what I was looking for, the real stuff...
Would you feel jealous or threatened about an experience that another person can bring to DH? What if he likes it so much he leaves?
I believe that we put restrictions on relationships because of fear of losing the person to another and because we love them we don't want to lose them. We put up rules because the rules will keep them in check. We even use the religious aspect to scare him or her into behaving as we think s/he ought to. But haven't we seen time and time again that nothing, absolutely nothing can stop someone from exploring, from living the live they want? So why do we keep forcing it? . Although I'm not mature enough to be able to live like what you've described, I'd like to be accepting of it. But then again, wouldn't it be just easier and simpler to find someone who can be monogamous? Live the brother of the poster above :) How long do I have to wait for that person to appear since they are so few and far between?
I commend you for having these hard talks with your DH. Has it made the marriage stronger? Has it made anyone of you less secure?
I want that level of honestly and openness with my partner although last time it happened, I wasn't very understanding lol
I took it as a warning...like hey, I have these feelings so if I cheat, you've been warned lol
But now that I'm older, I get it a LITTLE more....
Click to expand...

In my mind, I like to think most men marry with the intent of being monogamous believing all their needs can be met by their spouse, but at some point that may shift as ppl are constantly growing and becoming someone different from when you first met them. Best case scenario, he knows how to use his words and can communicate what he needs and you can brainstorm together to figure out how to get those needs met in an honest and open way.

One of the things that also stood out in that podcast was how people often look for their mate to fill them up in every way now, where as before ppl often didnt have such high expectations of their mates, because they allowed God, friends, family, etc to fill those voids. Perhaps this has contributed to why divoirce rates are so high? Are the expectations too great and ppl crack under the pressure? This may also be why men seem to be scared to get married.

Im not married yet, but this podcast def helped open my mind to how I need to be responsible for getting my own needs met and making myself happy outside of my husband.
 
New age thinking....new age marriage....

Check this out....I can totally do this btw:
http://www.nytimes.com/2001/08/23/g...robert-b-parker-a-house-divided-lovingly.html

ROBERT B. PARKER and his wife, Joan, have been together for almost half a century, have raised two children, and since 1987 have worked together turning his famous detective novels into TV movies. He dedicates his books to her, and she appears in them, thinly veiled, as a major character named Susan.

But real life has thrown them some curves. In 1982, they separated and discussed divorce. Instead, they each underwent intensive psychotherapy and confronted a vexing truth. Despite incompatible lifestyles -- she is tirelessly social, he's a loner -- they couldn't or wouldn't sever their bonds.

''In 1984, we reunited in a loving, monogamous relationship,'' said Mr. Parker, 69. With the slight smile that is a cue for some classic Parker-fiction banter, he glanced at Ms. Parker and said, ''Her yearning for me was palpable.''

Mr. Parker, creator of the tough but erudite private investigator Spenser, got a response befitting Susan, Spenser's feisty girlfriend.

''That is humor based on fantasy,'' she said.

In the Parker household, real life and theater often overlap. Ms. Parker, also 69, is half of Pearl Productions, which generates made-for-TV movies. A&E will broadcast their 10th, ''Walking Shadow,'' with Mr. Parker in a cameo role, on Sunday.

It will also be their 45th anniversary, and they plan to spend all day together -- an unusual occurrence for the Parkers, who have forged a living arrangement that many couples only dream about: two independent apartments united by a single roof.

The Parkers are professional storytellers, and one of the best stories they tell is their own. Here is the abridged version:

They met in college, married, had two sons, earned graduate degrees, split up, got back together and then, in 1984, embarked on what they now call their second marriage.

They ended their ''trapped suburban lifestyle,'' as Mr. Parker put it, in Lynnfield, north of Boston, and with both children grown and out of the house, bought two separate condominiums. They continued to see a lot of each other, but they missed some of the intimate things they liked about living together: spontaneous walks along the Charles River and impromptu Sunday brunches with Mr. Parker, Spenser style, at the stove. Ms. Parker's contribution at mealtime is eating.

Then, in 1986, they found the answer. It was a 14-room house a few blocks from Harvard Square, big enough to let them establish their unusual lifestyle, with two homes separated by an exterior stairway. They've lived there happily ever since -- not unlike Spenser and Susan, who live in separate quarters but remain quite close.

The house is a three-story Victorian with a mansard roof, just off elegant Brattle Street, where towering trees shade red-brick sidewalks. The hook for Ms. Parker was the stairway that ascended from a side garden to the third floor, where the previous owners had installed a four-room apartment.

Here she set up a full apartment for herself (living room, dining room, galley kitchen, bedroom, bathroom), a place to dine with friends at 9 p.m., her feet on the table, and to watch television alone well into the night. On the second floor, she installed a second full apartment for Mr. Parker, who eats at 6, his feet on the floor, and turns in at 10. Here he could write his customary five finished pages a day, with time to nap and get to the gym before making dinner. (His 41st book, ''Death in Paradise,'' is scheduled for release by Penguin Putnam in October.)

When they wanted to get together for a romantic dinner, they met at his place or hers, and when they wanted to entertain, they did it on the ground floor, where they kept a third kitchen.

''Although I hardly ever used the external tower stairway, I needed to know I could be autonomous,'' Ms. Parker said. ''It was pivotal in our ability to enjoy a combined household.''

A former state education official, she is far more outgoing than her husband and loves to be a host. She is an active fund-raiser for charities that assist people with AIDS, support the arts and promote awareness in high schools about the challenges faced by gay teenagers. As the mother of two gay sons -- David, 42, a choreographer; and Daniel, 38, an actor -- Ms. Parker wants ''to matter on these issues,'' she said.

''Joan organizes our social life, and on weekends I follow her around,'' Mr. Parker said contentedly. Ms. Parker replied, ''With all our challenges -- I've had breast cancer twice -- Bob is the rock upon which we all stand.'' Indeed, she added: ''I find him very heroic. And, despite a tough exterior, he's a mush ball who can cry at a traffic light.''

In 1998, after Mr. Parker, an avid runner and weight lifter, had surgery on both knees and needed to move downstairs, she decided to reconfigure their arrangements once again.

''I was just going to bump out the ground floor a little to convert the dining room into Bob's bedroom,'' Ms. Parker said. Then, both agreed, the little rehab project turned into a very big deal.

Three years and $1 million later, they have two new apartments and a new addition out back.

''For me, decorating is an organic, ongoing process; it's the fun of owning a house,'' Ms. Parker said. A Boston-based designer, Eileen Patterson, gave her a hand, and they finished up -- for the time being -- last month.

All three floors are brimming with photos of family members and the Parkers' dogs. (Ms. Parker has a miniature English bull terrier named Rosie. Mr. Parker has a German short-haired pointer named Pearl.) She has added flea market finds and precious antiques: on the new top floor, where they entertain, a dinner table was fashioned from a 16th-century French armoire door.

Now Mr. Parker's apartment is on the ground floor, hers is on the second, and on the third there is room not only for their frequent dinner parties but also for overnight guests.

Onto the back of the house were added two ornately paneled atriums, one on top of the other. Mr. Parker's apartment opens onto a new back porch that steps down to the backyard, with more room for entertaining. Just off Ms. Parker's second-floor atrium, a new balcony overlooks the landscaped yard. The exterior staircase was enclosed and fitted with built-in benches on the third-floor landing.

Ms. Patterson, the designer, got rid of the floral pastel motifs in the apartments. She did Mr. Parker's apartment in two of his favorite colors -- burgundy and green -- along with sunflower yellow. (''He doesn't ask for much, so when he does, we listen,'' Ms. Patterson said.) A wall of stained and leaded glass separates his bedroom from the hallway. His private office has French doors and a custom-made workstation with a red suede pin board.

Ms. Parker's apartment has a dressing room with walk-in closet and a hallway to the tower stairs. She works in her atrium, at an antique secretary desk. Her new bed has a step stool so Rosie can climb up.

''The house is Joan's work of art,'' Mr. Parker said. Putting to rest any notion that her husband is a he-man who calls all the shots, Ms. Parker said: ''Right. The house is mine, and Bob does what I say.''

Their unusual living arrangement, they say, lets them avoid battles over the little things, like whether to have guests for dinner and when to work, while sharing their interests in the the arts and their family. As Mr. Parker put it, ''On the big issues, Joan and I are amazingly in tune, but on the creature-comfort level, we're incompatible.''

They also work together, a trying test of any relationship, collaborating on television screenplays. She adapts his novels, working alone upstairs. He edits and polishes downstairs. Then they get together to work out the details. The Parkers' latest project is a proposal for a movie based on the life of Jackie Robinson. Their scripts, Mr. Parker complained, rarely survive the production process intact. ''They destroy them,'' Mr. Parker said. ''They never come out the way we see them in our heads.''

But they can't resist watching anyway. On Sunday, after they observe their anniversay according to tradition -- with ''a raging pig-out'' that culiminates at their favorite clam shack -- they will be ''glued to the TV, popcorn ready,'' Ms. Parker said. ''In my living room, which is fitting since I have the bigger, better TV set.''
 
movingforward13 said:
And I will say this- I admire how private Bey has been with her life however I think it was the right move to say “something”... not saying she owed any of us an explanation but her fans really wanted to know what was going on.

This was done so creatively that she was able to keep her privacy but tell the story. Some of us still believe this was a marketing ploy to sell albums, some fans think he cheated, people like me (who pick up on the cues) saw the infidelity pattern unfold.
I saw this from Partition. Partition was her “Pick me” song to me. In Lemonade, she unleashed the anger she had- Don’t Hurt Yourself. The kintsugi in sand castles. The lyrics are more rich with deep thoughts and feeling.
And then listen to every lyric in 4:44- there is a deep understanding of reflection there. But of course we don’t really know so just all assumptions.
Click to expand...

:yep:

This is why I (& the rest of the world) was really pissed she didn't that AOTY Grammy. That album was so well-thought out and put together it was ridiculous. So intentional.
 
MissNina said:
:yep:
That album was so well-thought out and put together it was ridiculous. So intentional.
Click to expand...
This I agree with. I am not a Bey fan and I RARELY buy albums but after someone leaked Lemonade on Facebook- I bought the album on my ex husband’s birthday. That album spoke every feeling I had. Right down to the “Why Can’t You See Me”.

Someone else mentioned she made other songs before too before Partition- Resentment. Jay Z mentioned Resentment in his album. And the MaNyfaCedGod track- he spells it out even more.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/genius.com/amp/Jay-z-manyfacedgod-lyrics

He cheated. And they went through massive healing that I only heard about through Infidelity Legends and they only did that because remorse is present. Remorse has to be present to get over infidelity. 4:44 is such a self reflective and remorseful album and even then, Jay Z explained that it STILL took him too long to publicly apologize and own what he did...
This is one of the steps- you have to reveal the affair(s) publicly and own it without blaming the betrayed for your actions. I bought that album too.

And when you apologize- you don’t simply say sorry.
You say, I apologize for hurting you. I apologize for doing whatever to you. I apologize for not thinking of you. The apology has to have both parts to take ownship for the action.
Because when you own what you did, you feel the responsibility to fix it.

I swear if I wasn’t so deep into my accounting and knew about infidelity years ago, I would have probably went in that direction. I am so into this subject. My clients who hire me as their CPA is going to get another gift because if they ever experience infidelity or divorcing due to it- I am definitely going to be a strong resource.
 
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movingforward13 said:
The kintsugi in Sandcastles.
Click to expand...
movingforward13 said:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/genius.com/amp/Jay-z-manyfacedgod-lyrics
Click to expand...
The third verse in MaNyfaCedGod mentions the kintsugi (kintsukuroi) https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintsugi that I saw in Sandcastles. I just saw this right now- didn’t even know he spoke about it before. Again, the kintsugi is a lesson in infidelity.

You pick up a bowl and break it by throwing it on the floor.
Pick up the pieces and say “Sorry”...
Did saying sorry fix the bowl? No.
You have to mend the pieces back together with gold to fix it and make better than it was before.

Edited to add the Sandcastles video. The bowl is at 1:11 - and the gold within is shining.
 
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I can see Jay Z cheating on Beyonce because he is immature. He figured if he go the girl at the top of the food chain, he could have anyone. Then you find women who are more than happy to say he cheated on Beyonce with them. It probably was the biggest boost to their ego. If he cheated he was low key about it because I never heard any rumors or saw any pics. The man kept a low profile. ow I really would like to know if Rachel was the one he cheated with. Solonge was trying to peel his head off, and was so passionate about it. Something occurred at that party that set her off.
You can tell by Beyonce music she was trying to be everything she thought he wanted. She broke out whatever shell she was in as time went on with them. She was trying to be that sexual person he wanted which came through in her music and video. His ego wouldn't allow him to be faithful.
 
syze6 said:
I can see Jay Z cheating on Beyonce because he is immature. He figured if he go the girl at the top of the food chain, he could have anyone. Then you find women who are more than happy to say he cheated on Beyonce with them. It probably was the biggest boost to their ego. If he cheated he was low key about it because I never heard any rumors or saw any pics. The man kept a low profile. ow I really would like to know if Rachel was the one he cheated with. Solonge was trying to peel his head off, and was so passionate about it. Something occurred at that party that set her off.
You can tell by Beyonce music she was trying to be everything she thought he wanted. She broke out whatever shell she was in as time went on with them. She was trying to be that sexual person he wanted which came through in her music and video. His ego wouldn't allow him to be faithful.
Click to expand...
I definitely saw this - like in Partition, but I am sure it was going on earlier- I just didn't buy her albums past the first one. The thing with infidelity, most women immediately question what is wrong with us and why weren't we (the woman) enough to keep him from cheating. The foundation of cheating though is the ego and poor boundaries. Cheaters want it all, they feel they deserve it all at anyone's expense. If you have a man that is accountable for his actions, has empathy, considers others (especially his woman) before himself, and is self reflective, the chances he will cheat are MUCH MUCH lower.

I think Beyonce is her true self now, no longer trying to be what others, including her husband wants. If I am right about the infidelity, she grew a lot as a person due to the experience. She seems more self assured, confident, her glow is mature. The Beyonce now I see is amazing. People who she knows and doesn't know have maliciously hurt her/tear her down and she stayed resilient. Like I would love to know her life story because wow - yeah she is an amazing super star with millions of fans, tons of money, blah, blah, blah... but beyond that superficial ish, that woman is truly amazing, on the deep inside - able to maintain her grace with all of her life drama (public or not). And her glow now reveals that she knows this. I believe her when she said if he does this ish again, he is gonna lose his wife. That fire came out. That realization came out.

And the healing manifested in and from them both. Simply amazing. Their concerns are "mature" - like they.get.it.

@Fine 4s - this was a great thread- thank you for putting this topic out there. This is something I am deeply passionate about in my personal life. Most people I talk to about this are like wow at all the knowledge I share. I am sure some probably look at me like I am crazy or obsessed with the topic but this is something I have learned not to be bothered about because the self reflection that can obtained from one person just listening is more valuable. I think if more people learned about it, they would be able to make better decisions in their lives.
 
Like you I'm fascinated by human behavior. It can be so ugly and so beautiful all at the same time. Just fascinating.....
Cheating is not simple. It involves so much.
I think one of characteristics I would want to see in a partner is how committed they've ever been to anything. It would seem to me, that the more focused you are on achieving XYZ, the less you get derailed. Also, someone who is in constant competition with the self. Always wants to beat his own score. What I mean is that they are continuously excited about making the relationship better and deeper even when it's all good. Not increasing the number of women they plow through but rather how to make their partner be even more in love with them then the day before.
I tend to be like that. I get lazy sure, but I'm always thinking about ways for a spark, for a newness and I think someone like that for me would be amaaaazing teehee
Just thinking ....
 
movingforward13 said:
http://xonecole.com/jay-z-opens-infidelity-best-place-middle-pain/

So he admits it. He got therapy. He exposed himself and accepted responsibility. He was remorseful. That is the only way a marriage can survive happily.
Click to expand...
I kept saying that he cheated in the Lemonade and 4:44 threads but a lot of women on here were in denial about it. It’s like they couldn’t accept it. They insisted the albums were not Bey and Jay’s personal lives but more so an artistic pursuit and representation of society in general. :rolleyes: Naw.. he cheated on Bey. The rawness of Lemonade touched me and I instinctively knew what she was trying to say. It confirmed my feelings about what went down in that elevator.
 
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