me and and SO and moving in together...but my mom and a prophet say it will fail

[nychaelasymone]

one more interjection......what's the problem with waiting until its right? What's so wrong w/ working hard and focusing on your goals and developing yourself. One of the fastest ways to miss the voice of God is having an unguarded heart. It seems you both have some growing up to do and it sounds like there is some dependence going on in this relationship....he's depending on his parents and you're depending on him to help you w/ living arragements. Why not prove to yourself that you can make it on your own?...no matter the struggle. Also think about this....would God sincerely place in a situation of marriage where everyone can't celebrate with you? I don't think so. Marriage is so serious....its so not a joke and for some reason we take it so lightly. God wants the best for you...period!

 

[lexi08]

You are too young, don't do this Too many red flags, including the fact that your boyfriend is not independent.

 

[jturner7156]

I hear this over and over again. And again and over and over and over. So what happens is, you move in......don't get married, you're still saving.

If a man is on the fence at all about getting married, he will stay on it with any little obstacle that comes up and try and put it off and off. He might be agreeable now but later once you're living there, its easier to appease you and say "ok next year" "and ok next year" He has no fear of losing you because you are already there.

.........then OOPS life happens, perhaps you get pregnant, guess what? And then you're still not getting married, because you still can't save cause now you have a baby and then now there is less pressure on him, you're living there, you're probably not going anywhere...but HE can.....I see it ALOT.

I don't agree with it. ITA with delta, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I find it interesting though that there is a true fact out there that the people that more often get divorced are the ones that lived together before marriage. I wonder if its that whole me/you thinking that doesn't transfer over into us/we when the marriage comes.

And about the savings. Well the savings of gas and a couple of bucks on rent isn't worth sacrificing something you *MIGHT* not get and that's the respect of marriage. If you really want to save, cut down on expenses and make a FIRM plan on what date you're getting married, etc.

Good luck, keep your standards high. If you have to wait to get married to 'get yourselves together' then its probably best you don't move in now and get married until both parties are where they need to be.

Well said MissScarlett. I always look forward to your posts !

 

[PanamasOwn]

aww... you guys make me feel like a little girl.... but I understand what you mean...I have been on my own since I was 18...and he is just getting to be on his own...so I am going like 25,000mph and he is just starting the race....

Yea, in particular his folks want him to be done with school before he gets married..and I dont want to get married until I'm done... he wont be done until 2010...(fully licensed and all)..me hopefully this year, or next spring...

I have no doubt that we will get married... I guess I just see it as 4 years of us being together and another 3-4 to actually get married...I always envisioned myself getting married after like 3 years of being together...by the time we do so according to his timeline (2011) it will be 6 years...

 

[Windsy]

You are going to do what you want to do regardless of what we all say so I won't bore you with all that yada, yada, yada.

I just want to say to you: Please make sure this is REALLY what you AND him want to do; living together isn't all it cracks up to be. Put it on paper - the pros and cons about what you are about to do and see if this is the direction you still want to go in. Good luck on which ever decision you decide to make!!!

 

[PanamasOwn]

one more interjection......what's the problem with waiting until its right? What's so wrong w/ working hard and focusing on your goals and developing yourself. One of the fastest ways to miss the voice of God is having an unguarded heart. It seems you both have some growing up to do and it sounds like there is some dependence going on in this relationship....he's depending on his parents and you're depending on him to help you w/ living arragements. Why not prove to yourself that you can make it on your own?...no matter the struggle. Also think about this....would God sincerely place in a situation of marriage where everyone can't celebrate with you? I don't think so. Marriage is so serious....its so not a joke and for some reason we take it so lightly. God wants the best for you...period!

see thats the thing.. I have been living on my own for about 5 years now..paying bills, struggling..the whole 9...it was his idea to try to take some of the financial weight off of me by myself, so I could focus more on school and work a little less.. he works two jobs now, and is saving to pay for his tution in the fall..so we have been working on this..we are just trying to be a little smater about how were go about it..ya know

 

[lexi08]

aww... you guys make me feel like a little girl.... but I understand what you mean...I have been on my own since I was 18...and he is just getting to be on his own...so I am going like 25,000mph and he is just starting the race....

Yea, in particular his folks want him to be done with school before he gets married..and I dont want to get married until I'm done... he wont be done until 2010...(fully licensed and all)..me hopefully this year, or next spring...

I have no doubt that we will get married... I guess I just see it as 4 years of us being together and another 3-4 to actually get married...I always envisioned myself getting married after like 3 years of being together...by the time we do so according to his timeline (2011) it will be 6 years...

Sometimes what you envision is not always best at the time. Don't focus on the amount of time, you are young. Be patient

 

[PanamasOwn]

You are going to do what you want to do regardless of what we all say so I won't bore you with all that yada, yada, yada.

I just want to say to you: Please make sure this is REALLY what you AND him want to do; living together isn't all it cracks up to be. Put it on paper - the pros and cons about what you are about to do and see if this is the direction you still want to go in. Good luck on which ever decision you decide to make!!!

thats a good idea ,thanks!

 

[CandiceC]

aww... you guys make me feel like a little girl.... but I understand what you mean...I have been on my own since I was 18...and he is just getting to be on his own...so I am going like 25,000mph and he is just starting the race....

Yea, in particular his folks want him to be done with school before he gets married..and I dont want to get married until I'm done... he wont be done until 2010...(fully licensed and all)..me hopefully this year, or next spring...

I have no doubt that we will get married... I guess I just see it as 4 years of us being together and another 3-4 to actually get married...I always envisioned myself getting married after like 3 years of being together...by the time we do so according to his timeline (2011) it will be 6 years...

Please try not to worry about timelines. Think about starting off married life right. Besides you guys got together young so it's not uncommon to have a longer dating period.
Your original question about shacking up isn't going to change anything about your marriage timeline anyway. If you have to wait for your man to get things together, then that's what you have to do.

 

[MissScarlett]

aww... you guys make me feel like a little girl.... but I understand what you mean...I have been on my own since I was 18...and he is just getting to be on his own...so I am going like 25,000mph and he is just starting the race....

Yea, in particular his folks want him to be done with school before he gets married..and I dont want to get married until I'm done... he wont be done until 2010...(fully licensed and all)..me hopefully this year, or next spring...

I have no doubt that we will get married... I guess I just see it as 4 years of us being together and another 3-4 to actually get married...I always envisioned myself getting married after like 3 years of being together...by the time we do so according to his timeline (2011) it will be 6 years...

I'm sorry if I/we sounded harsh but you seem young, you're in school, just take your time. I know lots of young girls that are always seeking my advice about this type of thing and I have yet to see one turn out well. Not to say yours wont but don't rush it!

The person you are at 21, you aren't at 31. If I thought about moving in with guy I was dating at 20... Oh lawd...there is no telling where I'd be.

Also, I know that as women especially young girls we dream of getting married and have we it all worked out in our minds about when, how, the timeline, what age. We have this timeline that really isn't how life works. Don't worry about how long you've been together or the 'when' just focus on what's best. Good luck!

 

[MrsQueeny]

I think you should wait. Trust me I am speaking from experience. You are just opening yourselves up for temptation. God will honor you and will make ways for you both financially if you are obedient to His will and His way. Q

 

[dlewis]

I wish this board was around when I was younger. I could have avoided a lot of mistakes I made.

 

[CandiceC]

I wish this board was around when I was younger. I could have avoided a lot of mistakes I made.

Me too.
..

 

[MissScarlett]

I wish this board was around when I was younger. I could have avoided a lot of mistakes I made.

D-me too. That is why I try and counsel young girls when they open up to me about their relationship issues. I think getting married young has its good points but getting married young, takes ALOT of work and Growing together with another person. And people change, If I had to start all over again, I'd marry dh but I'd WAIT. I got married too young I feel. I'm 32 and been married almost NINE years, that's crazy.

 

[gone_fishing]

Do what you think is right. You already know what is right. The rest is just justification for why you can't do what is right. No matter what you do, if you decide to go against what God would want for you, just don't go around saying you think God is showing you it's okay.

 

[nychaelasymone]

see thats the thing.. I have been living on my own for about 5 years now..paying bills, struggling..the whole 9...it was his idea to try to take some of the financial weight off of me by myself, so I could focus more on school and work a little less.. he works two jobs now, and is saving to pay for his tution in the fall..so we have been working on this..we are just trying to be a little smater about how were go about it..ya know

okay I'm just going to say it.....You're not ready. You as a single person must be able to live wholly and holy on your own before you could ever feel you are ready for marriage. I was you 10 years ago and all I can say is PRAISE GOD, I didn't do it! Yes you are going to make your own decisions, figure ways to justify it in your own head, but at the end of the day, your conscience is going to get you. Continue to do it on your own, continue to find your own path so you can say you lived your own life before you get married. He is not independent. Let that man be a man....are you ready to submit? Are you ready to deal with the good and the bad?...especially the bad, cause its going to be 10000xs worse than you can ever imagine......do yourself a favor and answer these questions:

Are you called to be married?
Are you called to married to this person?, if so, how did God show you: through godly council?, through prophecy (and remember a profit is only to confirm what God has only told you)?, through the preached and taught word?, through dreams and visions?, through is voice?

Are you saved?

What is God's perception of this situation? Would he be pleased & glorified?

Does this man compliment you?

Do you bring out the best in each other?

the questions can go on an on but honey, please sincerely take a hard look at what you're doing....If you do it God's way it may take you 3 steps to get there, as opposed to doing it your way, which could take you 100 steps and a multitude of unnecessary hurdles. You're young and enjoy your singleness........write out the reasons why you enjoy being single...if your list is short, you got some living to do.


Here are some ways to keep you from hearing the voice of God:
fornication
an unguarded heart
despiration
and family pressure

Marriage is SERIOUS BUSINESS, not a cake walk, not a means to an end.....its a commitment before GOD!

 

[lizjoseph]

I agree with every lady on this board. I have been with my SO for 4 years as well. We've been together since we were 18 and we're now 22. Although I love him and we both know that for the most part we wil be married; we have to be realistic. We do have alot of growing up to do. This is the time in our lives where we're done with school( or about to be), and starting to be on our own and away from our parents. This is the time to live life, go traveling because you want to, hang out with the girls and go for drinks; quit your job because you hate it and not stay because " you have to contribute to the household". I want to enjoy every last cent of being in my 20's as well as my SO. He loves hanging out with his "his boys" and that's fine. This is the time to find out who we are on our own; not who we are with "Him".

Also, like I mentioned before we know we'll get married, but honestly we both decided that there is no rush, the financial burdenn would be ridicualous (we can live at home for FREE), and we have yet to establish our real careers. Only when that is set, do we plan on starting the "wedding march". In our eyes, we'd be getting married at about 27/28 years old. That would mean that we would've been together a total of about 9-10 years. Yes, that a LONG time to be togther, but just like you, we started dating at a young age, so of course we'd be dating longer than people who are older and have their stuff together already.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Kiadodie]

I haven't read the whole thread to know but does this man want to marry you?? If so, why not get engaged, married and THEN live together.

IF he hasn't asked yet and it's been 3 or 4 years...what's the hold up?

 

[Tallone]

It is so comforting to see that some/most of you guys are really nice and are really trying to help her out the 'tude. Aah there is hope for LHCF yet!

 

[gone_fishing]

I agree with every lady on this board. I have been with my SO for 4 years as well. We've been together since we were 18 and we're now 22. Although I love him and we both know that for the most part we wil be married; we have to be realistic. We do have alot of growing up to do. This is the time in our lives where we're done with school( or about to be), and starting to be on our own and away from our parents. This is the time to live life, go traveling because you want to, hang out with the girls and go for drinks; quit your job because you hate it and not stay because " you have to contribute to the household". I want to enjoy every last cent of being in my 20's as well as my SO. He loves hanging out with his "his boys" and that's fine. This is the time to find out who we are on our own; not who we are with "Him".

Also, like I mentioned before we know we'll get married, but honestly we both decided that there is no rush, the financial burdenn would be ridicualous (we can live at home for FREE), and we have yet to establish our real careers. Only when that is set, do we plan on starting the wedding march. In our eyes, we'd be getting married at about 27/28 years old. That would mean that we would've been together a total of about 9-10 years. Yes, that a LONG time to be togther, but just like you, we started dating at a young age, so of course we'd be dating longer than people who are older and have their stuff together.

Just my 2 cents.

Great advice. You sound like you have a head on your shoulders.

 

[MrsQueeny]

D-me too. That is why I try and counsel young girls when they open up to me about their relationship issues. I think getting married young has its good points but getting married young, takes ALOT of work and Growing together with another person. And people change, If I had to start all over again, I'd marry dh but I'd WAIT. I got married too young I feel. I'm 32 and been married almost NINE years, that's crazy.

Girl me 3,4,5, and 6. We will celebrate 10 years in July and I am not even 30. Q

 

[foxxymami]

Great advice here ladies

 

[MissScarlett]

Girl me 3,4,5, and 6. We will celebrate 10 years in July and I am not even 30. Q

Its funny b/c I feel younger NOW than I did then. And I'm like wow, If I had of known there was no RUSH to get married, perhaps I would have waited.

 

[foxxymami]

I agree with every lady on this board. I have been with my SO for 4 years as well. We've been together since we were 18 and we're now 22. Although I love him and we both know that for the most part we wil be married; we have to be realistic. We do have alot of growing up to do. This is the time in our lives where we're done with school( or about to be), and starting to be on our own and away from our parents. This is the time to live life, go traveling because you want to, hang out with the girls and go for drinks; quit your job because you hate it and not stay because " you have to contribute to the household". I want to enjoy every last cent of being in my 20's as well as my SO. He loves hanging out with his "his boys" and that's fine. This is the time to find out who we are on our own; not who we are with "Him".

Also, like I mentioned before we know we'll get married, but honestly we both decided that there is no rush, the financial burdenn would be ridicualous (we can live at home for FREE), and we have yet to establish our real careers. Only when that is set, do we plan on starting the "wedding march". In our eyes, we'd be getting married at about 27/28 years old. That would mean that we would've been together a total of about 9-10 years. Yes, that a LONG time to be togther, but just like you, we started dating at a young age, so of course we'd be dating longer than people who are older and have their stuff together already.

Just my 2 cents.

~Your post is so valuable to this thread, you have no idea!~

 

[MissScarlett]

~Your post is so valuable to this thread, you have no idea!~

You just saved me some keystrokes, ITA

 

[envybeauty]

see thats the thing.. I have been living on my own for about 5 years now..paying bills, struggling..the whole 9...it was his idea to try to take some of the financial weight off of me by myself, so I could focus more on school and work a little less.. he works two jobs now, and is saving to pay for his tution in the fall..so we have been working on this..we are just trying to be a little smater about how were go about it..ya know

Living together and playing wifey wears on your nerves.

Even though he told you point blank he does not want to marry before finishing his studies, you will constantly think about marriage because you will be going through the motions of a married woman (cooking, cleaning, companionship, etc.).

If you move in now, it is not like anything will change once he says, I do, six years after the fact. You'll still be going through the same motions and routines and after a point, he will expect you to continue those routines. Resent will build up on your part to the point of telling yourself over and over, I ain't his wife, if he expects such and such on a regular basis, he should put a ring on my finger. While your resentment is festering and building, he will have no clue as to what you are thinking or he may be turned off by it. Either way ..............

I have seen and heard this pattern too many times. I once had a friend who I too predicted the downfall of her relationship because she was going to move in with him. I kept my mouth shut because I figured she will find out the hard way. She said the same thing...it would allow her to save, yada, yada. True to form, she moved in in Nov. By June of the following year, the relationship was over and she was moving out. Now she says she would never move in with a man again unless he puts a ring on her finger. I'm thinking...I could have told you that a year ago.

 

[Aveena]

It is so comforting to see that some/most of you guys are really nice and are really trying to help her out the 'tude. Aah there is hope for LHCF yet!

Yes, I was afraid people won't come forward with candid advice because it is such a serious issue. I'm glad to see this as well. OP this decision will change the course of your life - take it seriously.

 

[lizjoseph]

~Your post is so valuable to this thread, you have no idea!~

Thanks Foxxy and MissScarlett! You make me blush!

 

[lizjoseph]

Great advice. You sound like you have a head on your shoulders.

Thanks Adequate! I think it's cause I see so many girls my ages rushing into things like this and then getting themselves knocked up and having no man, or "playing house" with no real commitment in sight and ending up miserable! I feel like this is the time have fun and stand up on your two feet and enjoy life. Why be bothered by drama cause "your man wants you home at this time" and "you didn't do the laundry right" and you yelling at him cause he left the toilet seat up. I have the rest of my life for all that. But now, I should only have to answer to myself.

Also I feel like if a guy can move it with me, possible have kids with me, and have him "play house with me", then why can't he sign a piece of paper or go to the church and marry me? We'd be doing all the same things, except it would be legit.

 

[bLackButtaFly]

I'm with the ladies. I just wanted to stop in a give you some support as a younger woman as well(22, 23 in june). I can't relate on all counts since I've never been a long term relationship'er, but I think it's awesome you've found someone that would be willing to take this large step with you. I think if it is you decide to take the other ladies advice and not move in and it doesn't severely impact your relationship, that it will be something you can really treasure in him, and something that will make the two of you stronger.

I also wanted to add that I went through something similar, well again not w/ a long term relationship, but my ex was very persistent that i should move in w/ him, and I seriously considered it. In the end I decided against it(same thing as you, mom was really against it, and a close wise friend of mine said he's not for you), and it didn't rip us a part, but not more then 2-3 months later we had broken up. I'm not saying this is what will happen to you, hopefully it won't, but I was very thankful that I decided not to do it, and I think you might too.