When you just don't feel the love...

[Mejayt]

Background: The guy I have been dating was in a serious relationship with a young lady that was killed in a car accident about two years ago. It was a very traumatic experience for him and he has just really started dating again.
Now:
I have been dating this guy for five months and am really into him. During the first few months, we spent a lot of time together and found that we have a lot of things in common. He then started graduate school and I was seeing less of him and then I wasn't seeing him at all. When we would talk he would tell me that he was busy with work and school and that we would get together. Although he was so busy with work and school he made time every weekend to go out with his friends. I tried to be patient with him and not trip about it but I feel like he doesn't care to spend time with me. I really like the guy a whole lot but I feel like he is holding back from me maybe because he is scared or not quite ready to move on. I have talked to him about it but he tells me that nothing is wrong and that we are okay but I am not okay. I want desperately to be with him but I can't seem to reach him. I want to walk away but something keeps tugging me back. He tells me that he really cares for me and wants to be with me but acts distant. I talked to his brother about it and he told me that he talks about me a lot and that he really does like me but he has a hard time expressing his feelings.
What would you ladies do in this situation or have any of you experienced a similar situation?

 

[Bunny77]

Unfortunately, this is another example of a woman wanting more than a man is willing or ready to give, and your story is really universal (save for a few details).

You've been dating this man for five months, but are you exclusive? Have you had the boyfriend/girlfriend talk? Whatever is going on from his past, he isn't showing much sign of wanting to be in a committed relationship with you, so you either have to walk away or put up with this kind of behavior for as long as you're willing to take it.

If it was me, I'd be making my exit plans, if I haven't already.

Too many women get caught up in the idea of what could be instead of really looking at what is.... and what it's probably going to remain.

 

[jturner7156]

The story stopped at...he made time every weekend to go out with his friends...he's not ready for a relationship. Don't to try to change that man b/c you can't. It is plenty of threads that proves this very fact. Also, please don't believe his brother...what two men you know sits around and talk about a woman all the time.

 

[Mejayt]

I know you guys are right. I have made serious efforts to occupy my time with other things. I have gone on dates with other guys, spent more time with my friends, retail therapy, and school but I keep thinking about him. It's quite sad because I know I should just leave it alone but I am hoping that he will come around. As soon as I turn away, he hits me with a line. I just need to stop taking the bait.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

If it were me, i would not put the job of 'saving him' on me because i dont look for projects. What i mean is you feel you have to wait for the guy unit what? he gets over his past? he is ready to be with you?? in the mean time what will you be doing? waiting on him??what struck a nerve with me about your post is that you desperately want to be with him do you honestly think he feels the same? actions speak louder than words and talk is cheap he can tell you til he is blue in teh face that he cares about you but what good does that do if he is distant? Listen to what he is telling you by his actions

and also the fact that you have to go ask people around him how he feels about you, you need to gain back some control in this situation. If he was ready to be in a relationship you wouldnt have all these questions you wouldnt have to ask him about himself and you certainly wouldnt have to ask his friends and brothers how he feels about you. its been 5 months girl, it really shouldnt be so difficult so soon.

 

[lexi84]

NEXT!!!!!!!!!!

 

[lexi84]

Background: The guy I have been dating was in a serious relationship with a young lady that was killed in a car accident about two years ago. It was a very traumatic experience for him and he has just really started dating again.
Now:
I have been dating this guy for five months and am really into him. During the first few months, we spent a lot of time together and found that we have a lot of things in common. He then started graduate school and I was seeing less of him and then I wasn't seeing him at all. When we would talk he would tell me that he was busy with work and school and that we would get together. Although he was so busy with work and school he made time every weekend to go out with his friends. I tried to be patient with him and not trip about it but I feel like he doesn't care to spend time with me. I really like the guy a whole lot but I feel like he is holding back from me maybe because he is scared or not quite ready to move on. I have talked to him about it but he tells me that nothing is wrong and that we are okay but I am not okay. I want desperately to be with him but I can't seem to reach him. I want to walk away but something keeps tugging me back. He tells me that he really cares for me and wants to be with me but acts distant. I talked to his brother about it and he told me that he talks about me a lot and that he really does like me but he has a hard time expressing his feelings.
What would you ladies do in this situation or have any of you experienced a similar situation?

But seriously girl I've been here before and was in this same situation for 2 years. I constantly told him how much I wanted to be with him, but his response was he was "not ready" and didnt want to "go too fast." A joke!!!! The guy never turned around, he kept never having enough time for me and he kept having more than enough time to hang out with his friends. I shoulda let him go early!

I finally let him go when I was ready and guess what, he's now engaged to someone else that he's known for 7 months. He wasnt that into me and sorry to say it sweetie, but homeboy is just not that into you either.

 

[hopeful]

I know you guys are right. I have made serious efforts to occupy my time with other things. I have gone on dates with other guys, spent more time with my friends, retail therapy, and school but I keep thinking about him. It's quite sad because I know I should just leave it alone but I am hoping that he will come around. As soon as I turn away, he hits me with a line. I just need to stop taking the bait.

I would just move on, quietly. No big speeches or anything. In some ways it seems he has already moved on (for now anyway). He's taking the chance on losing you so if I were you I'd just kinda disappear, if he's really interested make him work to get you back, no line here and there, he'd have to come get me and come heavy.

 

[meecee]

I've been through a similiar situation. My fiancee's last GF before me died. He doesn't handle death well at all. We met a year or two after her death. He was ready to move on and date seriously, but mentally and emotionally he was still holding on to her. Eventually that caused a MAJOR problem in our relationship. However, he always treated me with love, respect, and made sure that I was a priority in his life. In the long run we have worked through that and have moved on together. It really sounds like this guy is making excuses. He may still feel the pain of his previous GF's death, but don't make excuses for him. Walk away from the situation if you see that he can't give you what you need.

 

[Bunny77]

He may still feel the pain of his previous GF's death, but don't make excuses for him. Walk away from the situation if you see that he can't give you what you need.

Right.

When I look back at situations I let go too long, there was always an excuse I made for the guy.

-He's hurting over his ex-wife's death (yep, met a dude with that issue)
-He's stressed at work because business is down.
-He's scared because of how his last relationship ended up.

I'm sure there are more, but those are the three I remember now. Thing is though, even if all of those were legitimate reasons why they didn't want to get into a serious relationship, that was no reason for ME to keep sticking around hoping that they'd one day wake up and smell the change. Usually too, their "reluctance" to spend time with me didn't stop them from making time for sex (or attempting to)... they weren't so stressed/scared/broken up/hurting when they wanted to get some, were they?

So, when I did walk away, it was interesting that they didn't try to get me back. Oh, I mean they might have called here or there to try to spend time with me, but it was again on their piecemeal terms. So I'd say no. That was the end -- and that let me know how much of this so-called "relationship" was all smoke and mirrors. In other words, there was nothing there.

If these men are so tied up in whatever that they can't commit to a relationship, then WE don't need to be committing ourselves either.

 

[meecee]

Right.

When I look back at situations I let go too long, there was always an excuse I made for the guy.

-He's hurting over his ex-wife's death (yep, met a dude with that issue)
-He's stressed at work because business is down.
-He's scared because of how his last relationship ended up.

I'm sure there are more, but those are the three I remember now. Thing is though, even if all of those were legitimate reasons why they didn't want to get into a serious relationship, that was no reason for ME to keep sticking around hoping that they'd one day wake up and smell the change. Usually too, their "reluctance" to spend time with me didn't stop them from making time for sex (or attempting to)... they weren't so stressed/scared/broken up/hurting when they wanted to get some, were they?

So, when I did walk away, it was interesting that they didn't try to get me back. Oh, I mean they might have called here or there to try to spend time with me, but it was again on their piecemeal terms. So I'd say no. That was the end -- and that let me know how much of this so-called "relationship" was all smoke and mirrors. In other words, there was nothing there.

If these men are so tied up in whatever that they can't commit to a relationship, then WE don't need to be committing ourselves either.

Ita!! No woman should settle for a "piece" of a man when she deserves better. Its very easy for us to settle for less because we don't want to hurt his feelings or are afraid of being alone. At some point we have to look out for ourselves and learn to put our needs first. Men do it all the time.

I've learned my lesson. While it worked out in the long run for my fiancee and I, things could have just as easily turned out different.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

You cant wait around forever, his last gf died so he might still not be very open (i'll help him open up), his still hurting cause his ex cheated on him with his best friend while he was in Iraq (this was my ex) i'll make it better. Sometimes we want to save them and make it better, but lets not forget they are grown men. Real talk, if he wanted a relationship he would make more solid plans to get you cause he doesnt want anyone else getting their mitts on you. If not it is not your job to save the dude, he needs to work on his insecurities (if thats the problem) before entering into a new relationship.

 

[Transformer]

I'm pretty new to this forum, but I'm sure it's been said over and over again,
"He's not into you."

 

[Allandra]

I would just move on, quietly. No big speeches or anything. In some ways it seems he has already moved on (for now anyway). He's taking the chance on losing you so if I were you I'd just kinda disappear, if he's really interested make him work to get you back, no line here and there, he'd have to come get me and come heavy.

I feel hopeful said it best.

 

[AstroQueen77]

I feel hopeful said it best.

I too agree. You can be patient with him somewhere else. Put yourself first in this situation. If he really does love you, he will step up and be a real man for you later. Then it would be your choice if you still want him or not as you would be probably be with another man.

 

[MCMLXXII]

After I read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You," I understand that if a man really wants to see you, he will. Nothing will stop him...not distance, not school, nothing. Once I was able to fully embrace this concept, it's easy to accept when a guy isn't "into me" and move on.

HTH

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Men make time for what is important to them. The fact that he isn't making time for you speaks volumes, IMO.

 

[Mejayt]

I thank you so much ladies for your advice. I do realize that I was making excuses for him and that I should move on. I am going to start focusing more on myself, doing what's best for me, and not settling just for anything because I don't want to be lonely. He will find out sooner or later that he missed out on a great woman.

 

[queen1908]

Unfortunately, this is another example of a woman wanting more than a man is willing or ready to give, and your story is really universal (save for a few details).

You've been dating this man for five months, but are you exclusive? Have you had the boyfriend/girlfriend talk? Whatever is going on from his past, he isn't showing much sign of wanting to be in a committed relationship with you, so you either have to walk away or put up with this kind of behavior for as long as you're willing to take it.

If it was me, I'd be making my exit plans, if I haven't already.

Too many women get caught up in the idea of what could be instead of really looking at what is.... and what it's probably going to remain.

I HAVE TO SAY THAT THIS IS DA TRUTH...WE ALL WANT BUT WAIT FOR WHAT GOD WANTS AND YOU WILL REAP MANY REWARDS. I KNOW HE MIGHT SEEN GREAT, BUT YOUR FUTURE MAY HOLD GREATER! IVE BEEN THERE...NOTHING YOU CAN DO OR SAY CAN MAKE HIM READY BUT HIS DESIRE TO DO SO!!!

READ THE BOOK "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU"...ITS A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW BUT IT WILL SAVE YOU ALOT OF HEARTACHE AND STOP YOU FROM GIVING A MAN WHAT HE CANNOT OR WILLNOT GIVE TO YOU IN RETURN!

STAY UP AND KNOW THAT YOUR KING WILL COME!!!

QUEEN