Don't even know how to feel.

[DarkJoy]

HOLD UP!

Okay now this added a new twist to this story.

So maybe I'm not understanding the timeline or the extent of your relationship with this guy..... I thought you two dated in high school and then broke up, and went on for years just being FRIENDS. You two were intimate recently? As adults??

You don't have feelings for him? AT ALL??? Most women can't just spread their legs for a guy they have ZERO romantic feelings for.

OP.....what's going on here? Lol.... I'm confused.

Something isn't adding up. Here I am thinking that you two had a little relationship back in HS.... I didn't know you two were being intimate now. Well no wonder!

I just need some clarification lol.

He professed his desire and love for her a cpl weeks prior to hooking up with her friend.

Even though she rejected him I tjink she has a right to be pissed at the gf.

Also im betting he is rebounding with the girl. Petty revenge too.

 

[TopShelf]

They are living their lives, so should you.

 

[shespoison]

Crystalicequeen123 We were intimate as adults but it was still long ago...

But Dee and I were friends then too. I personally would not date anyone that was in a relationship with my friend if we were still friends its just feels wrong but I dont expect everyone to feel that way.

I was in love with him for years...but again that was years ago. We have not had sex recently. He may have kissed me on the lips or held me but thats bout it.

I am just venting. I love my friends I go hard for my friends. I cant believe he lied to me. In 15 years he has never been dishonest with me and all of a sudden......

 

[shespoison]

Im old school. And strongly believe in the girl code whether you dated 5 mins ago or 15yrs ago. A friends former man is off limits esp for long term besties like for decades. Thats like betraying a sister

I'd be more passed at HER than him.

I am closer to him though. Been friends with him longer too. I love her too but he knows better and we have been through way more.

 

[shespoison]

They are living their lives, so should you.

What makes you think I'm not living my life? I just came back from out the country yesterday to this mess. Can I have feelings please? Damn, the bulk of this happened last night. I am here to process. Thank you for that though. it was very helpful.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I think him saying she is so similar to you is making you feel threatened about your friendship and your position in his life. One of the main points about a best friend is you lovee their personality and being around them in particular. It can't be nice hearing that your best friend has person who gives him the same kind of experience.

It's kinda odd how he suddenly likes your other friend when they have known of each other for 12 years LOL. I wouldnt be expecting that either.

 

[TopShelf]

What makes you think I'm not living my life? I just came back from out the country yesterday to this mess. Can I have feelings please? Damn, the bulk of this happened last night. I am here to process. Thank you for that though. it was very helpful.

Like someone else said it's jealousy, plain and simple. You keep saying that "you don't like him like that", but you care enough to post. If it was just that it felt "odd", you wouldn't debate ending life long friendships over it.

 

[Prettymetty]

Dee is wrong for dating one of your "maybes". He is just as wrong... I can imagine you are upset about all of this: the mixed signals, the betrayal and the fact that maybe you have deeper feelings than you think. My advice is to try and save your friendship with him and leave it at that.

 

[TopShelf]

Dee is wrong for dating one of your "maybes". He is just as wrong... I can imagine you are upset about all of this: the mixed signals, the betrayal and the fact that maybe you have deeper feelings than you think. My advice is to try and save your friendship with him and leave it at that.

Why with him and not with her as well?

 

[shespoison]

Like someone else said it's jealousy, plain and simple. You keep saying that "you don't like him like that", but you care enough to post. If it was just that it felt "odd", you wouldn't debate ending life long friendships over it.

I admitted jealousy in this thread. So? I am a human. I am posting because it feels good to vent. If something makes me uncomfortable why do I/should I have to stay around it? Its their business to date but I am entitled to feel how I feel. Again, my feelings are a reaction to what is happening. I am not talking about something that happened months ago this is current. Geeez, if I cant breathe here where can I?

 

[TayMac]

I've never been in your specific situation but I know once you've been intimate with someone and try to go back to just "friends" there will always be some level of awkwardness whether stated or not. Especially since you did not go separate ways after.

I doubt that I would begin a relationship with a man my friend used to sleep with.

 

[TayMac]

I don't think it's mere jealously. I can't imagine how I would feel if my best guy friend that I used to have sex with was now sexing my BFF. Just hanging out in a group would be different than before. Sometimes the way we feel about this isn't exactly logical but emotions aren't always. I think you all had some unfinished business and it would have been nice if he cleared that up before pursuing your friend.

 

[shespoison]

Dee is wrong for dating one of your "maybes". He is just as wrong... I can imagine you are upset about all of this: the mixed signals, the betrayal and the fact that maybe you have deeper feelings than you think. My advice is to try and save your friendship with him and leave it at that.

The deeper feelings are that I met this man when I was 12. We used to be in love, we used to make love. We grew past that and have had a strong friendship for years. In the last year he has consistently confessed love for me. We talked about it but I always told him that I dont see him like that, because I dont. Again, he treats me better and is/was willing to do more for me than my own parents. He knows how I grow up. He knows me in and out. He has always been a ROCK in my life. The one person I could depend on to come through.

So for him to talk about trying to establish something with me and then date my friend makes me uncomfortable. Is it really that hard to understand?

I understand that people have different values than me but doesnt mean I have to disregard my own. HE knows that its is wrong to date my friends...why the hell else would he all of a sudden become a liar. I would never date one of his friends because I would feel wrong. If I told my Mama she would be shocked.

Again, I appreciate all perspectives but some people are just insensitive.

If I am still here in 2 weeks complaining about this mess then by all means tell me off...

 

[mzpurp]

After reading everything, I would just take a step back from both of them.

It's just odd that you were gone for 2 weeks and now they are together! Had she told you about "this new guy I'm talkin go" or mentioned that they had connected? Like that's just the weirdest thing to me, esp. after you were just with him!

 

[LiftedUp]

Now when he greets me he cant pick me up and spin me around and kiss me on the cheek? We cant buy each other gifts? We cant watch tv in my room?

He shouldn't be doing these things period if he's seeing someone, Dee or not.

This situation reminds me of a situation that my friend is currently in, except that she is the one who is in a new relationship. I told her that they never had the "friendship" she thought they had in the first place. The lines were always blurred.

Do you think that him and Dee will make it through the long haul?

 

[LiftedUp]

So for him to talk about trying to establish something with me and then date my friend makes me uncomfortable. Is it really that hard to understand?

It is because you said that you didn't want what he was proposing.

 

[hair4romheaven]

That's how I feel too. But everyone seems to disagree.[/QUOTE

I see you're new. Forget what "they" think and stop defending yourself. People's comments/opinions around here change on a daily. Let the thread die.
FRIENDS SHOULD NEVER HOOK UP WITH EXES

 

[shespoison]

After reading everything, I would just take a step back from both of them.

It's just odd that you were gone for 2 weeks and now they are together! Had she told you about "this new guy I'm talkin go" or mentioned that they had connected? Like that's just the weirdest thing to me, esp. after you were just with him!

Its not weird at all. I live in the city, they live in the same suburb we grew up in. I gave her his number because he is a mechanic and she was having car trouble. We are all into fitness so she started inviting him to workout. I always talk about how great he is and what an amazing person he is to me. And I also talk about how much I love her and how much fun we have when we hang out. So they knew about each others qualities off the strength of me. The fact they they hang out is not surprising. I found out because they told me 2 slightly stories. She said "he likes me" He said, "one day we were hanging out and she kissed me".... I believe he likes her but I also believe she kissed him first. I sent him a message because I was overseas saying "why my friend" and he called explaining himself....


There are men that liked men and ended up dating a friend. Didnt really care as much. This is different because of our history and his recent actions.

 

[liteskinshowdy]

Well, tell both of them you are upset with them and explain why. Once they know how you feel, they will chose to be together or end the relationship.
If he was in a serious relationship with someone else and he stopped treating you all lovey dovey, would you still be upset that he took his affection away from you?
I would be upset if I did sleep with him and know my close friend is with him. They could have asked you first but thought nothing of it since you always denied him.

 

[shespoison]

That's how I feel too. But everyone seems to disagree.[/QUOTE

I see you're new. Forget what "they" think and stop defending yourself. People's comments/opinions around here change on a daily. Let the thread die.
FRIENDS SHOULD NEVER HOOK UP WITH EXES

I am actually not new lol. Im just in my feelings trying to sort things out. And you are right. If I was a "beloved" member there would be different opinions. I will let it die once im through vomiting my emotions.

 

[shespoison]

Well, tell both of them you are upset with them and explain why. Once they know how you feel, they will chose to be together or end the relationship.
If he was in a serious relationship with someone else and he stopped treating you all lovey dovey, would you still be upset that he took his affection away from you?
I would be upset if I did sleep with him and know my close friend is with him. They could have asked you first but thought nothing of it since you always denied him.

Told them already. He has always treated me the same whether he was involved or not. But because she is my friend it makes me look at things differently. He dated my roommate once but he asked first.

 

[TayMac]

To be honest, y'all had a more than friends relationship even after taking the sexual element out of it. Like LiftedUp said "blurred lines."

Basically your best friend is dating your ex and again you all had unfinished business. That would hurt me.

 

[Sosoothing]

I agree with everyone that says there's nothing you can do but move on. They are adults. Dee doesn't owe you anything really. She can make her own choices no matter how shady they look and he wasn't your man anyway. That's my objective view..LOL.

BUT...if I were in your position, I would feel hurt too. I would feel betrayed by him and couldn't trust Dee any more. It would be hard remaining friends and trying to act like nothing has changed. ((Hugs to you)).

 

[liteskinshowdy]

If I was the boyfriend and girlfriend of you and your guy friend, I would be upset. You guys have this closeness that people in a relationship should have but y'all have it in this "friendship." Cut them both off and live off the good memories you had with each of them. It's going to be awkward from now on for everyone. Because you don't live close to them I don't think they will just end being friends cold turkey but who knows.
Also, what would be their motive for hooking up? everyone has one. could the friend be jealous of your relationship with him and unknowingly get at him to see why you "family love" him so much?

 

[SmileyNY]

Here's my take on things in below in pink

Last year, when I broke up with my ex he said something that made me ask "are you in love with me?" his response was "maybe".

If the true answer was "no"...I imagine it would be awkward for him to say it after being asked. So... I'm not convinced "maybe" meant "yes".


As we were laying down he held me for a sec and I squirmed away because it was awkward because by now, I see him like a brother. He tells me that he would not even try to date me now, he would wit until all his sh*t was together because he could never have a casual relationship with me.

Sorry, Op... my honest opinion is that it sounds like he was trying to hit. His ego loves that you think he's in love with you and he wanted to feed you some bs to play that up.

When a man is truly in love, nothing would hold him back from moving forward. It may hold him back from getting married right away... but he wouldn't risk losing you in the meantime. Sounds like bs to me.


So I went on vacation out of the country for 2 weeks and on the last day i find out he is dating one of my best girl friends. It pissed me off and I am not entirely sure why.

It pissed you off because... well, ego. He lead you to believe that you were the only one that could make him happy.

I told Dee it pissed me off and she claims she didnt remember that we dated, even though she went to prom WITH


Well... it was 15 years ago... but I understand your anger.


I sent him a text saying that it was awkward and why would he say all those things to me and then date my close friend. He didnt respond to me until she confronted him.

This, to me, is proof that he was BSing you the whole time.

 

[shespoison]

Oh boy @SmileyNY

I know it is hard to believe but he wasnt trying to hit. There was a time years ago where I was drunk and lonely and tried to have sex with him. He held me and asked me if I was sure. He wouldn't because he knows I was just having a moment. I know him well. I trust him more than any man I have ever known. He is not "easy" and he doesnt do casual sex. He is kind of a unicorn in some ways. That time he said "maybe" but other times he told me how he felt and expressed his love for me. That was just the first time I thought maybe my friends and recent ex were right about how he felt for me.

People have an idea of how men are and he is not at all like that.

We met 15 years ago but dated maybe 10 years ago...still long ago though. I have no doubt he was sincere in everything he said but I also believe that he has/will change when he meets someone he really cares about if he hasnt already.

Its not ego and jealousy alone, because if it was not my friend I would be happy as hell. I always get excited when he meets someone new. I know damn well that I wasnt the only one that can make him happy. I KNOW we are not at all compatible, he just didnt see it.

 

[shespoison]

If I was the boyfriend and girlfriend of you and your guy friend, I would be upset. You guys have this closeness that people in a relationship should have but y'all have it in this "friendship." Cut them both off and live off the good memories you had with each of them. It's going to be awkward from now on for everyone. Because you don't live close to them I don't think they will just end being friends cold turkey but who knows.
Also, what would be their motive for hooking up? everyone has one. could the friend be jealous of your relationship with him and unknowingly get at him to see why you "family love" him so much?

I dont think my friend was jealous of our relationship at all. I think she was impressed with his kindness and love towards me after all these years.

I agree I should cut them both off and maybe in time it will feel normal and be a non issue.

There motive is loneliness and a desire to be loved. It is obvious to me and part of the reason why I wish I didnt care. I just cant help that I do.


I am purposefully single but not lonely and we dont see each other as much when I am in a relationship, just talk on the phone every now and again. But everyone I dated knew about him before we were official and kind of tolerated it because he is my oldest friend. I have gotten in some trouble with my SO's in the past but it always blew over.

 

[shespoison]

To be honest, y'all had a more than friends relationship even after taking the sexual element out of it. Like @LiftedUp said "blurred lines."

Basically your best friend is dating your ex and again you all had unfinished business. That would hurt me.

The lines were blurred i guess. I just didnt feel that way because I had no desire to sleep with him that means friends to me

 

[SmileyNY]

Oh boy @SmileyNY

I know it is hard to believe but he wasnt trying to hit. There was a time years ago where I was drunk and lonely and tried to have sex with him. He held me and asked me if I was sure. He wouldn't because he knows I was just having a moment. I know him well. I trust him more than any man I have ever known. He is not "easy" and he doesnt do casual sex. He is kind of a unicorn in some ways. That time he said "maybe" but other times he told me how he felt and expressed his love for me. That was just the first time I thought maybe my friends and recent ex were right about how he felt for me.

People have an idea of how men are and he is not at all like that.

We met 15 years ago but dated maybe 10 years ago...still long ago though. I have no doubt he was sincere in everything he said but I also believe that he has/will change when he meets someone he really cares about if he hasnt already.

Its not ego and jealousy alone, because if it was not my friend I would be happy as hell. I always get excited when he meets someone new. I know damn well that I wasnt the only one that can make him happy. I KNOW we are not at all compatible, he just didnt see it.

If that's the case and he decided to not only be with your friend in spite of being "so in love with you," but also lie about what he told you.... then he's not that great of a man. He's not worth a damn, actually.

 

[shespoison]

If that's the case and he decided to be with your friend in spite of being "so in love with you," then he's not that great of a man. He's not worth a damn, actually.

He never said he was "so in love with me". And I feel he is wrong, but doing one thing in 15 years doesnt make him a bad person. Especially since he has done things for me when no one else would. And I know he has been lonely...

I see why, it happened but its still makes me upset. I understand your assumptions but you are off base.