Don't even know how to feel.

[SmileyNY]

He never said he was "so in love with me". And I feel he is wrong, but doing one thing in 15 years doesnt make him a bad person. Especially since he has done things for me when no one else would. And I know he has been lonely...

I see why, it happened but its still makes me upset. I understand your assumptions but you are off base.

Dating my friend and lying about what he said would be 2 huge blazing red flags and would be plenty enough for me to decide that he's not a good catch or a good man for ME. I'd be mad, but I'd know that I'm not missing out on much.

However, everyone is different.

 

[runwaydream]

If I were you I'd be mad too. Even if I didn't like him. Basically, he lied to you. He said all these wonderful things and he didnt mean a word of it. If he did, he wouldnt so easily and so quickly replace you with your friend. And then to sit here and say to you he didnt say it and try to make you seem crazy? That's not something a friend would do. You're mad because you thought you knew him.

 

[syze6]

Well we say we love each other all the time....but I tell all my friends that.

I understand why everyone is saying I shouldnt care. But it doesnt stop me from caring. Its kind of hard to describe how we relate to one another because it is not ordinary and probably not healthy. But I do not desire him at all. I used to be in love with him and we used to ****. Yes, him taking his care away from me and giving it to someone else bothers me. I cared for him to. We had an affectionate relationship because I am affectionate.

I am allowed to feel. My feelings right now are not a choice. Its a reaction. I will get over it but I know that I cant continue to be friends with them. I have not screamed, cursed or cried. I just explained to her why it was weird to me and that it pissed me off. I also mentioned that it is a little hard to believe that she didnt "remember".

Why are my feelings wrong? They are feelings....

I am glad to hear all the opinions because all my friends agree with me (who are also friends with Dee) and its good to take in outside perspectives.

I personally would not feel comfortable dating someone who was after my friend for years. I would feel like option B. And I cant understand why anyone would settle for that.

Yes..you are allowed to feel how you feel. It's okay to even admit that you MAY be a tad bit jealous, you are human. Now...maybe the friend lied because she had to know how at least one of you felt. Seems she would have just told you or vice versus. BUT...I wonder if maybe you thought when he got it together, you would reconsider those feelings. So you were in love and used to "color" but NOW have none of those feelings...you sure? If so, outside of the omission and little lie, I'M LOST TO WHAT THE PROBLEM WITH HIM DEALING WITH DEE IS?

 

[shespoison]

Dating my friend and lying about what he said would be 2 huge blazing red flags and would be plenty enough for me to decide that he's not a good catch or a good man for ME. I'd be mad, but I'd know that I'm not missing out on much.

However, everyone is different.

I am not missing out on anything. I have been thinking about it and he has always been a better friend to me than I ever was to him. This thread did help me sort out my feelings. I understand why he lied, it doesnt make me feel any better but i understand.

I think of all the things he bought me and all the times he paid and all the things I accepted from him when I knew how he felt and i feel like this is exactly what I get.

 

[shespoison]

Yes..you are allowed to feel how you feel. It's okay to even admit that you MAY be a tad bit jealous, you are human. Now...maybe the friend lied because she had to know how at least one of you felt. Seems she would have just told you or vice versus. BUT...I wonder if maybe you thought when he got it together, you would reconsider those feelings. So you were in love and used to "color" but NOW have none of those feelings...you sure? If so, outside of the omission and little lie, I'M LOST TO WHAT THE PROBLEM WITH HIM DEALING WITH DEE IS?

I have explained as much as I can. It is ok that you dont understand.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@Crystalicequeen123 We were intimate as adults but it was still long ago...

But Dee and I were friends then too. I personally would not date anyone that was in a relationship with my friend if we were still friends its just feels wrong but I dont expect everyone to feel that way.

I was in love with him for years...but again that was years ago. We have not had sex recently. He may have kissed me on the lips or held me but thats bout it.

I am just venting. I love my friends I go hard for my friends. I cant believe he lied to me. In 15 years he has never been dishonest with me and all of a sudden......

Thanks for clarifying the situation a little bit shespoison

Yea things will ALWAYS be somewhat awkward once two people have had feelings for each other and have slept together. That's just a fact of life.

And although I think that right now you should focus more on yourself and just forget the two of them for a little while, at the same time I CAN understand how you're feeling and how it must be a little demoralizing, especially since it JUST happened last night. erplexed

I think what most of the ladies are saying on the thread however, is that regardless of if she should have entertained his advances, or whether he should have NEVER tried to date one of your best friends, the point of the matter is, the situation is what it is right now. They're both seeing each other.

You can either continue to feel badly about it, or you can shrug your shoulders, and just move on and live life as normal. It seems you have already stated to them/Dee how you feel, and it seems like you have gotten some of that off of your chest by venting here as well. After all that is said and done, you really can't control what people do unfortunately. They will either keep seeing each other, or they will break up. Plain and simple.

But in the meantime, I would try hard not to try to feel TOO hurt about it. I can understand WHY you're feeling the way you are, but at the end of the day, there's nothing you can really do.

Plus, if he's going out with your friend in order to make you jealous (which it kinda sounds like he might be doing), then you probably don't want a guy like that for a romantic relationship, or even a strong friendship honestly...

I say vent, go out, keep busy, and try not to focus on them too much right now. Since it seems as though you don't live in their area anymore, maybe that will make it a little easier for you to take a small break from being in their company. I say give it a week, and then reassess how you're feeling. A LOT can happen between now and a week. I'm just saying....

At any rate...here's another hug lol

 

[C@ssandr@]

This was probably stated upthread, but you guys were definitely in an emotional relationship. Him moving on to your friend so easy makes it seem as if you were easily replaced. That would hurt my feelings too! I honestly think he wasn't playing you all of these years. Sounds like he caught feelings and got tired of being shut down. The friend is somewhat of a rebound, but since you don't live in that town anymore, I can see why they started hooking up. What's going on with your friend Dee now? Is she still willing to date him since she "just found out" that he's an old flame of yours?

I can see why you feel like you are losing both of them. In your mind they are both playing you. You guys were just having pillow talk. Now you can't be all kissy kissy with him anymore. Plus, you can't talk to your friend Dee because she betrayed you, and of course you don't want to hear about what your ex beau is currently doing for her.

your feelings are valid. I totally get it.

 

[pearcey]

n/m... ... .

 

[tolly]

you don't want him but you don't want your friend to have him....get real, I wouldn't care who my old flame gets with......it would bother me only if I still wanted him
And don't come with the response 'can I vent' if you wanted to vent without people commenting you could have written this in your personal journal
You are tripping and I think those two should have told you to mind your own business, they didn't have to explain themselves to you!

 

[shespoison]

you don't want him but you don't want your friend to have him....get real, I wouldn't care who my old flame gets with......it would bother me only if I still wanted him
And don't come with the response 'can I vent' if you wanted to vent without people commenting you could have written this in your personal journal
You are tripping and I think those two should have told you to mind your own business, they didn't have to explain themselves to you!

uhhh. i appreciate the comments. THEY made it my business. I didnt ask. They chose to explain to me. I said, why are you telling me this....

old flame who actively pursued me.

I dont care if you understand at this point. Does that answer everything?

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

That's how I feel too. But everyone seems to disagree.

Now see, that wasn't quite how you presented it. You never said y'all screwed, was in love, and all that. You put a lot more emphasis on your friendship. And feelings aren't wrong, denying what they are is.

 

[shespoison]

Now see, that wasn't quite how you presented it. You never said y'all screwed and all that. You put a lot more emphasis on your friendship. And feelings aren't wrong, denying what they are is.

Well I thought people in relationships screwed i didnt know i had to specify. I put emphasis on the friendship because thats how I viewed it currently. I must be hard to understand and thats fine. The only problem I have is that people are acting as if I am wrong for friggin feelings as if I have ultimate control of that. I wish I didnt care. I wish I was happy for them. But I am not and I dont feel wrong for my feelings.

I am not even talking bad about them just venting how I feel. I also understand why people think I like him more than I say. It so happens that I KNOW I dont. I can still be hurt. I understand everyone is different but most people in this thread cant seem to understand anything past themselves. I understand all perspectives but where I am from you dont date your friends exes...you just dont no matter how much time goes by.

 

[TayMac]

The lines were blurred i guess. I just didnt feel that way because I had no desire to sleep with him that means friends to me

You closed yourself off to him in that way but everything else was still the same. I know it hurts because when or if that relationship doesn't work out, you won't be able to go back to "the way things were." He went and changed the relationship y'all had without your permission so that sucks.

And of course the logical side of you knows: they can do what they want, you don't own him, they don't have to ask you sh**, he wasn't your man, it's a free country, blah blah and so on.

You are allowed to have feelings about whatever you like whether it makes sense to others or not. It's not like you are plotting out a way to sabotage them. It will blow over while you are living life as you have been.

 

[tolly]

uhhh. i appreciate the comments. THEY made it my business. I didnt ask. They chose to explain to me. I said, why are you telling me this....

old flame who actively pursued me.

I dont care if you understand at this point. Does that answer everything?

I actually didn't ask you any questions because I know you feel confident and happy with your actions and reactions.
I don't want any answers from you.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Well I thought people in relationships screwed i didnt know i had to specify. I put emphasis on the friendship because thats how I viewed it currently. I must be hard to understand and thats fine. The only problem I have is that people are acting as if I am wrong for friggin feelings as if I have ultimate control of that. I wish I didnt care. I wish I was happy for them. But I am not and I dont feel wrong for my feelings.

I am not even talking bad about them just venting how I feel. I also understand why people think I like him more than I say. It so happens that I KNOW I dont. I can still be hurt. I understand everyone is different but most people in this thread cant seem to understand anything past themselves. I understand all perspectives but where I am from you dont date your friends exes...you just dont no matter how much time goes by.

Maybe I misread but it sounded like a high school prom date. I don't automatically assume sexual relationships high school or under.

Personally, it seemed he was more of a friend than an ex in your OP. Maybe that's why Dee didn't think girl code applied? I'm not excusing, but it may be a reason.

You were enjoying girlfriend privileges with him but since you didn't have feelings anymore, you called it friendship. It wasn't. At least not for him, it was courtship. So things will change while he's with Dee, I understand that jealousy, but again ... I doubt it will last long.

 

[shespoison]

I actually didn't ask you any questions because I know you feel confident and happy with your actions and reactions.
I don't want any answers from you.

You KNOW I feel happy and confident? I dont get you. And what actions? I have done nothing but explain how I feel. I am not happy or confident about anything. I said the opposite. I dont WANT to feel like this it sucks. I just do.

I dont get why you seem to feel a way about how I feel? Why do you even care. Just because you wouldnt care means I shouldnt?

 

[shespoison]

Maybe I misread but it sounded like a high school prom date. I don't automatically assume sexual relationships high school or under.

Personally, it seemed he was more of a friend than an ex in your OP. Maybe that's why Dee didn't think girl code applied? I'm not excusing, but it may be a reason.

You were enjoying girlfriend privileges with him but since you didn't have feelings anymore, you called it friendship. It wasn't. At least not for him, it was courtship. So things will change while he's with Dee, I understand that jealousy, but again ... I doubt it will last long.

We didnt have actual sex in high school we dated off and on and in between for about 3 years after high school.

Dee was one of 3 other girls and were all best friends. We each have that one guy that was our everything back then. If I was to ever date her ex she would never speak to me again. Point blank. We all know better. It is apart of the code but I see here everyone one doesnt believe in it and thats fine. again, it doesnt stop me from feeling a way because I would never do that to anyone I considered a current best friend.

For example, yesterday morning she texted me that shes loved me and missed me because I was away..... That doesnt make sense to me.

 

[hopeful]

shespoison

You have every right to your feelings. Your relationship with this guy sounds a little strange to me BUT, sex or no sex, this is shady IMO. Your girlfriend is wrong and he is wrong. If they wanted to get together, they could have simply told you. But from what I read he said that he wasn't good enough for you yet and needed to get himself together? I didn't see anywhere that he was asking you for a shot. Maybe I misunderstood. But out of all the women in the world I don't see why he had to be with her. Also, she didn't need to get his number from you either. Someone else could have helped her. All that said, yes you have every right to be upset with both of them. I'd be done with her for good. Wouldn't even give that a second thought. And I think that the relationship you and this guy had was unhealthy. He was always there for you, chasing you, holding you, kissing you, making you feel safe and special, but as an adult that kind of relationship cannot last with a male friend if he ever wants a healthy romantic relationship with a woman. No self-respecting woman would want a man like that. Twirling you around, kissing you and stuff. It's time to let him go too. I know it hurts. And I know you enjoyed the attention and the bond you shared, but it's time for you to move on. Find a new girlfriend you can trust and build a normal, healthy relationship with a nice guy that you are attracted to and want a relationship with.

 

[Renewed1]

I read the entire thread and I understand where shespoison is coming from.

I may be wrong, but she may feel that it would be an end to an era. And to a degree it is, she was extremely close to both of these individuals and now it's just going to be weird. Especially, if they become intimate.

My advice shespoison is treat them as "associates" until you can get to a point where their relationship means nothing to you.

 

[shespoison]

I agree with everything you said. I didnt mention every time he mentioned being with me but it was pretty much almost everytime we spoke. But to be honest I have always been kinda talking to someone. I told him recently that he was the reason I couldnt be in a relationship. Because he treats me better than any man could...until VERY recently, as in last week.

Its hard because where my current SO's would fail he would pick up the slack. This situation is showing me clearly and finally why this is so messed up.

@shespoison

You have every right to your feelings. Your relationship with this guy sounds a little strange to me BUT, sex or no sex, this is shady IMO. Your girlfriend is wrong and he is wrong. If they wanted to get together, they could have simply told you. But from what I read he said that he wasn't good enough for you yet and needed to get himself together? I didn't see anywhere that he was asking you for a shot. Maybe I misunderstood. But out of all the women in the world I don't see why he had to be with her. Also, she didn't need to get his number from you either. Someone else could have helped her. All that said, yes you have every right to be upset with both of them. I'd been done with her for good. Wouldn't even give that a second thought. And I think that the relationship you and this guy had was unhealthy. He was always there for you, chasing you, holding you, kissing you, making you feel safe and special, but as an adult that kind of relationship cannot last with a male friend if he ever wants a healthy romantic relationship with a woman. No self-respecting woman would want a man like that. Twirling you around, kissing you and stuff. It's time to let him go too. I know it hurts. And I know you enjoyed the attention and the bond you shared, but it's time for you to move on. Find a new girlfriend you can trust and build a normal, healthy relationship with a nice guy that you are attracted to and want a relationship with.

 

[RocStar]

This thread....

 

[hopeful]

You know I was just thinking, maybe that's why he picked your gf? He knew he wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship with you if he dated her. Any other girl, things would probably continue with you as usual and the girl would be jealous of his relationship with you. I think he had just grown tired being "like" a bf without having a real girlfriend and didn't know how to break free. Pretty passive aggressive but a stronger man would not have hung around so long hoping and waiting either. Your gf was probably jealous too of the attention he gave you and wished she had someone who treated her that way, and irritated that you didn't want him romantically. All the while she was probably like ooh that's a good man, she's a fool lol. So when she got that number from you she was ready to get her chance. While you were out of town she sealed the deal. She's shady and he's settling. The closest thing he could get to you. Probably won't last, but hey if it does, more power to them. Best thing you can do is keep it pushing.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I think it's good for both of you to move on tbh.

I think you probably used him at times and led him on (even though I think he's a little sad to try for that long).

If someone is really a friend to you and says that they want to be in a relationship you don't stay silent! You tell them in no uncertain terms that you love them as a friend, but there will never be more. Nice and firm. Staying quiet, or being vague just keeps hope alive for thirsty folk. If someone keeps bugging me after that then I don't consider them a friend.

I think you both need a fresh start and this is a blessing in disguise.

 

[DarkJoy]

If I were you I'd be mad too. Even if I didn't like him. Basically, he lied to you. He said all these wonderful things and he didnt mean a word of it. If he did, he wouldnt so easily and so quickly replace you with your friend. And then to sit here and say to you he didnt say it and try to make you seem crazy? That's not something a friend would do. You're mad because you thought you knew him.

Well hello runwaydream!

Nice to see you posting again.

 

[runwaydream]

Well hello runwaydream!

Nice to see you posting again.

thanks! DarkJoy
i've been gone for awhile but decided to reactivate my account today. i see a lot of the same faces.

i considered creating a coming back thread.. but figured randomly posting was good enough.

I look forward to seeing your posts again. they were always so full of wisdom =)

 

[shespoison]

You are right. But I dont think I led him on I told him many times how I feel. He just didnt believe me, so I stoped saying anything. I dont think I used him either but it was still wrong of me to accept things from him when I knew how he felt.

And it is most likely a blessing in disguise I'm just waiting for the hurt I feel to go away, I know it wont take long. On one hand I feel selfish and on the other hand I know I wouldnt have dated his close friend or her ex. Because it just seems wrong to me.

I have a hard time at letting people go. So I always need a kick and I got it.

I think it's good for both of you to move on tbh.

I think you probably used him at times and led him on (even though I think he's a little sad to try for that long).

If someone is really a friend to you and says that they want to be in a relationship you don't stay silent! You tell them in no uncertain terms that you love them as a friend, but there will never be more. Nice and firm. Staying quiet, or being vague just keeps hope alive for thirsty folk. If someone keeps bugging me after that then I don't consider them a friend.

I think you both need a fresh start and this is a blessing in disguise.

 

[ambergirl]

What's really going to be awkward is when they stop seeing each other.

Late to the thread but what comes to mind for me is that both of them have not been completely honest with you and are willing to jeopardize your friendship for a hook up that will likely not last. Which makes me wonder whether there were issues in both of these friendships to begin with.

It's weird. Have you talked to them about it directly?

 

[shespoison]

ambergirl


Just got of the phone with her. She called me. She claims she didnt know. Told her to do her but dont pretend that we are still friends if she does. Its on her.

 

[hopeful]

ambergirl

Just got of the phone with her. She called me. She claims she didnt know. Told her to do her but dont pretend that we are still friends if she does. Its on her.

Didn't know what?

 

[DarkJoy]

Folks just lying and gaslighting. I'd write them both off. Thats unacceptable.