Update: He Stroked Her Hand.

[prettyinpurple]

Op they're probably swingers

I was thinking this as well, they are trying to see if you're down

Oh it wasn't just me thinking that I see.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

Y'all. I'm in the wrong damn thread

I was like who is Eric? What she talking bout? Who I got on ignore in here?

 

[kanozas]

Make a new plan, Stan. Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much, just drop off the key, Lee, and set yourself FREE. Never look back.

 

[mrselle]

Oh it wasn't just me thinking that I see.

The thought crossed my mind too.

 

[GetHappy2014]

Well swapping partners actually doesn't seem too far fetched to me either. I am just wondering how they had plan to get me on board. I mentioned the chemistry between the four of us because the more the girlfriend and I chatted we kept being surprised at how much we had in common, I'd say we even resembled. Now thinking back to when I was first introduced to the best friend, I am really starting to wonder about this swinging thing. Ugh!!! I wish that Negro would. Is this how they recruit people? Oh Lawd!!!!

 

[kimpaur]

Hmmm... I bet it's no coincidence that the new girlfriend(you) has so much in common with the other girlfriend.

 

[tibb1908]

Remember, we teach people how to treat us. If his actions made you feel loved and respected then go with it, if not reevaluate your relationship. Only you can decide what's best for you.

 

[Topsido]

The swinging never even crossed my mind. Wow, you ladies are good at panning a situation from 360 degree angles.

 

[God_Favor]

Was he drunk??

If not he trying to get with her or they are swingers.

 

[WhoIAm]

Well swapping partners actually doesn't seem too far fetched to me either. I am just wondering how they had plan to get me on board. I mentioned the chemistry between the four of us because the more the girlfriend and I chatted we kept being surprised at how much we had in common, I'd say we even resembled. Now thinking back to when I was first introduced to the best friend, I am really starting to wonder about this swinging thing. Ugh!!! I wish that Negro would. Is this how they recruit people? Oh Lawd!!!!

This didn't occur to me either.

For curiosity sake, ask him has he ever had a threesome or been to a swingers club and how often and how long ago. His answer may give you a little insight.

 

[ladysaraii]

Eh I don't see swingers being the reason. The move was private, meant to be hidden. If they were swingers, I think they'd be a little more overt. Subtle yes, but in a way that would test the op's limits and comfort.

 

[biznesswmn]

@GetHappy2014 Maybe i missed it but did boyfriend react to your sarcasm after the date? Like did he say anything about u being upset? He had to hear your tone

Also trying to understand how her hand reached his and there are two people between them. My arm would be uncomf on a ledge tryg to reach behind DH. He is too big for that

 

[GetHappy2014]

@GetHappy2014 Maybe i missed it but did boyfriend react to your sarcasm after the date? Like did he say anything about u being upset? He had to hear your tone

Also trying to understand how her hand reached his and there are two people between them. My arm would be uncomf on a ledge tryg to reach behind DH. He is too big for that

I don't think he heard me... He was laughing too hard... But his best friend heard me very clearly.

 

[FemmeFatale]

This is terrible OP..when I feel like I've been played and wronged, I become confrontational. I would've put them on blast and left everyone. F outta here.

 

[LovinLea]

I think OP's man and the girlfriend got so comfortable doing that mess around the best friend that they thought they could get away with it. But OP caught on real quick. Others can probably pick up on something being off, but the best friend can't see it.

OP and the girlfriend being so similar, guess they have the same type.

 

[mzpurp]

Maybe she was getting him warmed up so he can warm you up to the idea of swinging?

But seriously, OP, what are you going to do? Did you break up with him?

 

[GetHappy2014]

Maybe she was getting him warmed up so he can warm you up to the idea of swinging?

But seriously, OP, what are you going to do? Did you break up with him?

I have actually been in communication with 'my guy'...not much though... He always texts me "Good Morning" and we will chat briefly during the day. He and I have both been very busy but we have plans to talk (uninterrupted) soon. In the mean time, I'm thinking back to what happened, getting everyone's input from the site, really considering all points of views. There are a few things I have taken into account:
1. He was/is really into me. He knows that I am still vetting him and he is really trying hard to impress me.
2. I saw no other signs of flirting or even checking out 'girlfriend' throughout the entire day. He was all over me and totally into like he usually is. He didn't seem bothered by the interaction between girlfriend and best friend when they showed affection towards one another.
3. His behavior after the incident wasn't suspicious. He carried on talking and laughing. However, hers was questionable.
4. This one is a big one... He is so damn generous. I mean I literally do not have to think about anything when I'm with him. He enjoys spoiling me... And I've learned to accept it and I tell myself... I deserve it . The fact that he's financially secure, helps.

Now I don't plan to sell my self-respect for a few trips, dinners and gifts....but let's think rationally.

 

[JerriBlank]

We always question ourselves when instinct never fails us.
I'd love for you to update us the next time you guys are all together.
He's not gonna admit to anything. This will just play out over time. I wish you the best, OP. This dating stuff is hard, but we also make it harder than it has to be sometimes. I understand though!

 

[hopeful]

Thank you for the update. Good luck.

 

[ArrrBeee]

I learned the hard way dealing with people similar to the OP's boyfriend. I also took time to learn to love and honor myself, thoughts, and feelings above everyone else's.

From experience. The hard way. Unfortunately. Also from reading more about people with darker natures, psycho/sociopaths, and narcissists. Most of us were raised to be trusting and believe the best in people. It's unsafe to assume people are good and kind. I learned the hard way. Our body/intuition knows way before hard evidence shows up. I don't assume everyone is bad either. I just know now that it takes time to get to know people. Darker natured people prey on innocent and naive people. And they are often quite charming and convincing.

I wish I had someone to tell me how the world really works. But I guess they didn't know either.

This thread has really resonated with me. What I finally realized is that I USED to be very black and white in my thinking because of the examples I had in my life. I.e, The good dad and the good husband. A man can be either, neither or both but that didn't solidly click with me until the past year. My intuition got stronger as I got stronger. My wisdom improved as I began to work on myself.

A man can be perfectly in to you and attentive and meanwhile be sleeping with someone else and lying about it. A man can be generous to you and to someone else. A man can make you think you didn't see anything, but you clearly did. A man can be apologetic when caught and not had an ounce of remorse. A man can promise you the moon and stars, but what do his actions say? The thing is, once they tell the first lie, they have no problem continuing the lies. I'm not calling anyone out but myself. This is one of the painful parts of my past that I had to reconcile.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

A man can be perfectly in to you and attentive and meanwhile be sleeping with someone else and lying about it. A man can be generous to you and to someone else. A man can make you think you didn't see anything, but you clearly did. A man can be apologetic when caught and not had an ounce of remorse. A man can promise you the moon and stars, but what do his actions say? The thing is, once they tell the first lie, they have no problem continuing the lies. I'm not calling anyone out but myself. This is one of the painful parts of my past that I had to reconcile.

This needed to be reposted.

 

[faithVA]

Yes, you are being naive. You are an innocent person who would NEVER do such a thing and you don't want to believe the sneaky, underhanded, evil thing you just witnessed. The two of them are thrill seekers and enjoy the excitement of pulling the wool over their dates' eyes. No use in asking him about it. He already told you his lie and will stick with it. Either stay and let it go or move on and not discuss further. If you want to move on, just do so. Otherwise he will convince you that you are nuts, untrusting etc. All I can say is WOW what a gift. Up to you to accept it.

This all day.

 

[faithVA]

So much wisdom in this thread. Wish I had this in my twenties.

 

[quirkydimples]

A man can be perfectly in to you and attentive and meanwhile be sleeping with someone else and lying about it. A man can be generous to you and to someone else. A man can make you think you didn't see anything, but you clearly did. A man can be apologetic when caught and not had an ounce of remorse. A man can promise you the moon and stars, but what do his actions say?

My ex-husband was the perfect husband and father. Everything you could want in terms of emotional compatibility in addition to being tall, brown, fit and handsome. While he was "loving" me and our son, he was also having full on relationships (meeting parents, coworkers, making wedding plans and house buying plans) with not one, but several other women simultaneously.

I didn't know anything, but my gut knew...but because my mind couldn't reconcile what I was seeing with what I was feeling, well...

I remember once being in his truck and seeing briefly on the dashboard a photo of him and someone who clearly wasn't me (I wear glasses and wasn't wearing them then). I remember freezing (because my gut knew what I was seeing but my eyes couldn't see) and getting out of the truck and going into the house; he followed me and things went on as normal, but I thought about what I saw all day. I went out to the truck that evening to confirm what I already knew, but the photo was no longer there...

Inside I still knew, but because I had no proof, no evidence I felt like I would look crazy. What did I have to complain about with my perfect husband and perfect life?

You live and you learn...at least I do anyway.

 

[kanozas]

I have actually been in communication with 'my guy'...not much though... He always texts me "Good Morning" and we will chat briefly during the day. He and I have both been very busy but we have plans to talk (uninterrupted) soon. In the mean time, I'm thinking back to what happened, getting everyone's input from the site, really considering all points of views. There are a few things I have taken into account:
1. He was/is really into me. He knows that I am still vetting him and he is really trying hard to impress me.
2. I saw no other signs of flirting or even checking out 'girlfriend' throughout the entire day. He was all over me and totally into like he usually is. He didn't seem bothered by the interaction between girlfriend and best friend when they showed affection towards one another.
3. His behavior after the incident wasn't suspicious. He carried on talking and laughing. However, hers was questionable.
4. This one is a big one... He is so damn generous. I mean I literally do not have to think about anything when I'm with him. He enjoys spoiling me... And I've learned to accept it and I tell myself... I deserve it . The fact that he's financially secure, helps.

Now I don't plan to sell my self-respect for a few trips, dinners and gifts....but let's think rationally.

Thinking rationally doesn't mean allowing yourself to fall into a trap because you are afraid he'll lose interest in you. Why are you allowing him to keep you on a string? I think you're falling for a trainwreck. Why talk to him at all? If anything, he knows you will be a carpet to walk on. If you still want to vet him, why not cut all communications with him and see which extent he goes to in order to get you back? This man doesn't sound right at all and you sensed it, hence, your post. See what happens if you just disappear. I don't think you "deserve" this. These are early warning signs. Listen to your gut. Women rationalize themselves into decades of hardship.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

My ex-husband was the perfect husband and father. Everything you could want in terms of emotional compatibility in addition to being tall, brown, fit and handsome. While he was "loving" me and our son, he was also having full on relationships (meeting parents, coworkers, making wedding plans and house buying plans) with not one, but several other women simultaneously.

I didn't know anything, but my gut knew...but because my mind couldn't reconcile what I was seeing with what I was feeling, well...

I remember once being in his truck and seeing briefly on the dashboard a photo of him and someone who clearly wasn't me (I wear glasses and wasn't wearing them then). I remember freezing (because my gut knew what I was seeing but my eyes couldn't see) and getting out of the truck and going into the house; he followed me and things went on as normal, but I thought about what I saw all day. I went out to the truck that evening to confirm what I already knew, but the photo was no longer there...

Inside I still knew, but because I had no proof, no evidence I felt like I would look crazy. What did I have to complain about with my perfect husband and perfect life?

You live and you learn...at least I do anyway.

Girl, I'm doing loud arse agreement sounds while reading your post at work . My intuition was ringing for my last ex, but I ignored myself because I wanted solid proof even though ish was right in front of me. The proof I wanted (Supreme Court level proof) I eventually got along with a broken heart and a compromised health as a result of all the stress I dealt with ignoring my intuition/self.

Sidenote: when they performed an autopsy on MLK Jr. they found that stressors of his job aged his heart and organs to that of a 60 years old. Never let any person stress you out like that. The saying, "stress can kill you," is around for a reason.

 

[quirkydimples]

Women rationalize themselves into decades of hardship.

Preach!

 

[SpiritJunkie]

My sister's ex- husband had no kids when they married. When they divorced he had 7 kids. 1 with is wife/my sister...and the rest.

he used to tell these girls my sister was his aunt he was staying with.

Fast forward to a dude i was dating last year or so...when i asked who a lady was in a pic with him father/kids etc and he said his AUNT and i know that lady look my age. ALERT ALERT ALERT...right there i said your aunt huh? Gut kicked right in! Men be slick.

 

[ArrrBeee]

My ex-husband was the perfect husband and father. Everything you could want in terms of emotional compatibility in addition to being tall, brown, fit and handsome. While he was "loving" me and our son, he was also having full on relationships (meeting parents, coworkers, making wedding plans and house buying plans) with not one, but several other women simultaneously.

I didn't know anything, but my gut knew...but because my mind couldn't reconcile what I was seeing with what I was feeling, well...

I remember once being in his truck and seeing briefly on the dashboard a photo of him and someone who clearly wasn't me (I wear glasses and wasn't wearing them then). I remember freezing (because my gut knew what I was seeing but my eyes couldn't see) and getting out of the truck and going into the house; he followed me and things went on as normal, but I thought about what I saw all day. I went out to the truck that evening to confirm what I already knew, but the photo was no longer there...

Inside I still knew, but because I had no proof, no evidence I felt like I would look crazy. What did I have to complain about with my perfect husband and perfect life?

You live and you learn...at least I do anyway.

*If you don't mind saying...

How long did you stay after that? How did you get the courage to leave what "seemed" to be the "perfect" situation?

 

[MzLady78]

My ex-husband was the perfect husband and father. Everything you could want in terms of emotional compatibility in addition to being tall, brown, fit and handsome. While he was "loving" me and our son, he was also having full on relationships (meeting parents, coworkers, making wedding plans and house buying plans) with not one, but several other women simultaneously.

I didn't know anything, but my gut knew...but because my mind couldn't reconcile what I was seeing with what I was feeling, well...

I remember once being in his truck and seeing briefly on the dashboard a photo of him and someone who clearly wasn't me (I wear glasses and wasn't wearing them then). I remember freezing (because my gut knew what I was seeing but my eyes couldn't see) and getting out of the truck and going into the house; he followed me and things went on as normal, but I thought about what I saw all day. I went out to the truck that evening to confirm what I already knew, but the photo was no longer there...

Inside I still knew, but because I had no proof, no evidence I felt like I would look crazy. What did I have to complain about with my perfect husband and perfect life?

You live and you learn...at least I do anyway.

Posts like this right here are why I have a love/hate relationship with the relationship forum.

I love that people feel comfortable sharing their experiences, especially the ones like these that are so painful, so that others can learn from them.

But on the flip side, how do us single women read stuff like the bolded and not just be like "yo, ninjas ain't , I'm good?" I mean, damn. That's a whole 'nother level as far as cheating goes. Wedding plans?

Not particularly looking for an answer, just more so thinking out loud because this blew my mind.