Update: He Stroked Her Hand.

sgold04 said:
I thought I touched a guy friend's foot under the table yesterday and my immediate reaction was to pull my foot back and apologized. Then I realized it was the leg of the table....our reflex tells us to jump, if that reflex isn't activated on EITHER end??? I have questions.
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Right. Another good reason to leave. If he truly has reflexes this bad, something is very wrong somewhere in his body lol. Tell him to see a doctor :lol:
 
DarkJoy said:
yea I was just coming in to ask if the boyfriend reacted to this foolishness?
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When I said "wasn't no damn ornament", he was in agreement with me like yeah, sounds fishy. But as my guy laughed it off... I guess best friend picked it up as a silly mistake. But he didn't see what I saw. So he was able to brush it off more easily. I didn't make a scene or ask any questions cause I usually just bounce without discussion, but for the rest of the night ole girl seemed to be checking to see if I was bothered by it. I maintained my cool.
 
I k ow we get a bad rap around here for our advice but... since you asked.

You should ghost him! Sounds like he's charming etc.. but he lied! And thinks he's slick. How do you know he lied? Because you saw it! With your own eyes!

Ghosting would be the easiest for you but may not be easy for him so be prepared to disappear if you need to for a while for him to get the message
 
GetHappy2014 said:
When I said "wasn't no damn ornament", he was in agreement with me like yeah, sounds fishy. But as my guy laughed it off... I guess best friend picked it up as a silly mistake. But he didn't see what I saw. So he was able to brush it off more easily. I didn't make a scene or ask any questions cause I usually just bounce without discussion, but for the rest of the night ole girl seemed to be checking to see if I was bothered by it. I maintained my cool.
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So what did you do that was impactful? It is not your fault that you were disrespected but what will prevent that from happening again? Was your response calling it out, it getting dismissed and then continuing the night?
Did you actually leave after that happened?

I know sometimes us black girls villainized when responding naturally (yet appropriately) to nonsense and I am not telling you to act a fool but I want you to internally ask yourself if your response conveyed that disrespecting you is allowed to be dismissed and laughed off or did you overall response say you won't tolerate it and check it in a way that had impact(not just mouth)? How did the exchange between all of you as a group end? Did everyone band together and you felt peer pressure to go along to get along or was it fun over.... I'm out.... and her discomfort was on the way home because that shifted the mood and ended the night?

I'm not big on cussing folks out. So if I do get blunt or cuss it has impact, it is not easy to dismiss or laugh off. It stops and shifts the exchange. So when you called it out was it impactful to match the subsequent actions you made to match? The answer to that will reveal what precedent was set as a result of that happening. Can he dismiss knowing you felt disrespected it or if he though he could try it is he aware of reality now?

ETA: I am not exempt to letting some stuff slide that I questioned my self on when I was younger, but I am telling you from experience. That trusting yourself and checking stuff in the moment without acting a fool works like magic.
 
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Nope.
N2s2CfJ.gif


They are too familiar.
 
Lylddlebit said:
So what did you do that was impactful? It is not your fault that you were disrespected but what will prevent that from happening again? Was your response calling it out, it getting dismissed and then continuing the night?
Did you actually leave after that happened?

I know sometimes us black girls villainized when responding naturally (yet appropriately) to nonsense and I am not telling you to act a fool but I want you to internally ask yourself if your response conveyed that disrespecting you is allowed to be dismissed and laughed off or did you overall response say you won't tolerate it and check it in a way that had impact(not just mouth)? How did the exchange between all of you as a group end? Did everyone band together and you felt peer pressure to go along to get along or was it fun over.... I'm out.... and her discomfort was on the way home because that shifted the mood and ended the night?

I'm not big on cussing folks out. So if I do get blunt or cuss it has impact, it is not easy to dismiss or laugh off. It stops and shifts the exchange. So when you called it out was it impactful to match the subsequent actions you made to match? The answer to that will reveal what precedent was set as a result of that happening.
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Honestly that would have been too dramatic to do in front of 3 people given that the other SO in question was also there. That sounds incredibly messy for an incidental touch.

I think the ideal response is to calmly and bluntly ask him one on one and say "I know what I saw. Have you ever been with her?"

If she confronted him right then and there, it would have been "omg you're crazy" bc he would have saved face.
 
greight said:
Honestly that would have been too dramatic to do in front of 3 people given that the other SO in question was also there. That sounds incredibly messy for an incidental touch.

I think the ideal response is to calmly and bluntly ask him one on one and say "I know what I saw. Have you ever been with her?"

If she confronted him right then and there, it would have been "omg you're crazy" bc he would have saved face.
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What would have been too dramatic? The calling it out happened. I am just wondering if the actions matched the words for full circle.
 
Lylddlebit said:
What would have been too dramatic? The calling it out happened. I am just wondering if the actions matched the words for full circle.
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The confrontation of what happened given she said that wasn't an ornament. Like she couldn't have pressed harder than that with those 3 unless she was pretty adamant about what she saw.

I didn't catch that this is an early relationship so I'm with Qchelle - I'd probably ghost
 
greight said:
The confrontation of what happened given she said that wasn't an ornament. Like she couldn't have pressed harder than that with those 3 unless she was pretty adamant about what she saw.

I didn't catch that this is an early relationship so I'm with Qchelle - I'd probably ghost
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I think we are talking about two different things. Not a big deal though. I wasn't speaking about a scene or pressing harder to drag out the verbal exchange. I was, however, wondering if calling it out it led to dismissal like she exaggerated what she saw and the night continuing while ignoring discomfort or if that is what the night ended on and did the lingering awkwardness occur on the way home.
 
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I think your absence would make a bigger impact. Friends can be emotionally abusive too. You know of the friend that always seems to hook up with another friend's girls (bros before hoes, and whatnot) and instead of displaying the right amount of anger, the abused friend chooses to repress and move on, choosing the parasitic friendship for feeling of obligation? That can go for years. Maybe this is the friend's wake up call because you did not enable a potential situation. You continuing with him hence forth is projecting the things you will accept. Ghost him.
 
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I think they are having an emotional affair at best and a physical one at worst. He probably is just using you OP to have a date to use to hang out with her and deliberately chose you because you have a lot in common with her and maybe remind him of her. This foursome is the perfect way to hide the affair
 
Bunnyhaslonghair said:
This is a serious matter but it would be funny if you got petty on the next double date and quietly rubbed up her man's fingers.
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After a few months of dating I did not feel it was necessary for me to make a scene or cuss anyone (him or her) out. But trust me... I have been blessed with that fine talent. My best response is to exit the relationship. He knows I don't play. The evening was naturally winding down around that time. We said our goodbyes with hugs and went our own ways as couples. At that point I had brushed it off. So I wasn't in the mind set to grill him. However, just out of curiosity I asked more about her and best friends' relationship with her. He freely answered. While I was gauging whether there was any history between him and her, just my natural line of questioning. As for me playing freaky with best friend... If I had more invested I would act a fool, I would be all over him. It's funny that you mention that because upon meeting and hanging out with best friend I always felt he was too friendly with me but I made sure to keep a clear distance between us until I got to know him better. As far as swinging, I could see how that could happen... But I am not the one... I'm too possessive and territorial.
 
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ArrrBeee said:
This whole paragraph has been my downfall. Thank you for typing it out. Why is this common knowledge to some people and a foreign concept to others? How did you (or anyone else) learn this and learn to trust your intuition? Ie. did you have older brothers or family that taught you this?
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I learned the hard way dealing with people similar to the OP's boyfriend. I also took time to learn to love and honor myself, thoughts, and feelings above everyone else's.
 
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hopeful said:
And it's funny as you described the long date I felt something in my gut that something was off about the whole day.

What we have to remember is that everyone doesn't have the same morals that we have. Everyone isn't good deep inside. People do not deserve the benefit of the doubt. Trust must be earned over time and continuously. Also people show you what they want you to see. When they get caught we are thrown off by their eagerness to clean things up. We mistakenly think they are doing this for us, but the truth is they are protecting THEMSELVES and their secrets, that's it. Nice folks attribute nice qualities to bad people all of the time. It's easy to do but dangerous.
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It read oddly to me too. The whole 'all of us had chemistry' thing sounded as if it was a setup for swapping partners or something. I wonder if the bf and the other woman were trying to go there.
 
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