TIME Article: My Race-Based Valentine [very interesting]

Serenity_Peace

Genius never dies!
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1963768,00.html

My Race-Based Valentine
By Jenée Desmond-Harris
Monday, Feb. 22, 2010

This Valentine's Day, more of us than ever will be looking for love online. And if recent studies are any guide, relatively few women on mainstream dating sites will bother to respond to overtures from men of Asian descent. Likewise, black women will be disproportionately snubbed by men of all races. Yes, even though America has been flirting intensely with a postracial label for some time, color blindness is not upheld as an ideal in the realm of online romance.

On some sites, it's not even an option. Chemistry.com requires users to identify their ethnicity; like eHarmony, it considers members' racial preferences when suggesting matches. Match.com lets users filter their searches by race. The site's profiles include space to indicate interest (or lack thereof) in various racial and ethnic groups. But after Jennifer House, a black woman in Los Angeles, perused one too many profiles only to find the guys had checked off every box except African American, she changed her strategy. "Now I look at that section first so as not to get my hopes up," she says.

Racial preferences — or, as some call them, biases — are easier to observe on these sites than in offline settings. Behind computer screens and cutely coded user names, people clearly communicate things about race that few would ever say aloud in a bar. For example, a study published last year in Social Science Research examined 1,558 profiles that white daters living in or near big U.S. cities placed on Yahoo! Personals, which, much like Match, lists 10 racial and ethnic groups users can select as preferred dates. Among the women, 73% stated a preference. Of these, 64% selected whites only, while fewer than 10% included East Indians, Middle Easterners, Asians or blacks. The story is a little different for the men, 59% of whom stated a racial preference. Of these, nearly half selected Asians, but fewer than 7% did for black women. Why? One theory offered by the study's lead author, Cynthia Feliciano, a sociologist at the University of California at Irvine, is that men's choices are influenced by the media's portrayal of Asian women as being hypersexual and black women as being bossy. The people running OkCupid.com have a less nuanced explanation. In October, the free dating site, 80% of whose members choose to input their race, studied the messaging patterns of more than a million users and concluded on its official blog that "racism is alive and well."

After attempting to control for attractiveness (using something OkCupid calls a picture-rating utility) and compatibility (on the basis of answers to questions covering everything from spirituality to dental hygiene), the study found that black women garnered the fewest responses of any female group. White women responded at much higher rates to white men than to men of color. Asian women's and Latinas' response rates showed even stronger preferences for white men. (The site's latest eye-opening study determined which types of profile pictures elicit the most responses. To all the single ladies: the older you are, the more cleavage you should show.).

But do racial preferences amount to racism? Or is overlooking an entire ethnicity as innocuous as filtering out redheads or people under a certain height? "Just because you take race into consideration in your dating preferences and are aware of race doesn't make you racist," says Dr. Nicole Coleman, a psychology professor at the University of Houston. Minorities who prefer to date within their own race or ethnicity — and who look for potential mates on niche sites like BlackPeopleMeet.com and Amor.com — would probably agree with her. Even for those who hate the idea of racial preferences, such stipulations can be a useful barometer for finding a person with shared values. Says Bostonian Karen Schoneman: "I tend to have a negative reaction toward a man who indicates race preferences, whether it excludes me as a white woman or not." When she sees evidence online of what she regards as narrow-mindedness, she skips right to the next profile. One click closer, maybe, to postracial eHarmony.
 
It's interesting to see the fools who check off everything, but black and then send me a message, because I look a certain way. Naw, playa, you'll be first one to call me a n_____!
 
"Just because you take race into consideration in your dating preferences and are aware of race doesn't make you racist," says Dr. Nicole Coleman, a psychology professor at the University of Houston. .

couldn't have said it better myself

it's called a preference...much like the ones that prevent/attract a man to you in real life...online is no different
 
Ack, MissJ I know exactly what you are talking about. They don't want black women in general, but when they see a dime who is black they want to try and connect. No sir! So you can drop me for an Asian girl :rolleyes: at the first chance? :nono:
 
But after Jennifer House, a black woman in Los Angeles, perused one too many profiles only to find the guys had checked off every box except African American, she changed her strategy. "Now I look at that section first so as not to get my hopes up," she says.

Yep :ohwell: I'm on Chemistry and do the same thing sometimes. Not all the time, though. If someone is open to EVERY other race, I assume they could probably see the light if they met the right black woman. I don't think it necessarily means they are racist. On the other hand, if someone lists exactly 1 or 2 races (like caucasian and asian), I don't even bother.

Just being real: Even though I have "no preference" listed, I do have general preferences. But I have met "exceptions" in practically every race (in terms of who typically appeals to me visually), so I know I have no reason to be unnecessarily narrow in my list of ideals.
 
Many people don't like to see this in print, but if they're honest, they'll admit that the author's observations are on par with what they've seen and already know.
 
It's interesting to see the fools who check off everything, but black and then send me a message, because I look a certain way. Naw, playa, you'll be first one to call me a n_____!


Exactly. I don't know if it is a matter of them just not thinking about black women as dating partners because of limited interaction but I never trust the ones who contact me after they have put every other race but black.

I do not think the choices represent racism, I think it is just natural preference, now that preference probably has most likely been influenced by racism in the media and society at large, but that does not mean the individual has racist tendencies.

Also, even if it is outright racism, do people somehow expect dating/relationships/marriage to be the singular area in American society exempt from racism? Surely not.
 
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Interesting because I get men of all races/ethnicities responding to me. I even had an East Indian and a Chinese American man contact me just today. The Chinese American guy sent a very sweet message, telling me that he hopes that I didn't mind short, Asian men, but that he found me to be very beautiful and is looking for a long-term relationship. When I looked at his "preferences," he did not indicate a race/ethnic preference. I smiled when I saw that. When are people going to realize that every individual is different.
 
Ok. Tell me something I don't know. I have lived a lot in my 30 something years. I have had an Indian man tell me the hottest women on earth was Hispanic. A black guy come between me and a white girl...turn his back to me and ask her for her number....the first thing she did was look at me. I could not say a thing. I don't have the power to change it. The focus of society is to help the black man...blackness equate to the black man. Black women are the invisible voiceless supporters who lift up everyone except herself.
 
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The focus of society is to help the black man...blackness equate to the black man. Black women are the invisible voiceless supports who lift up everyone except herself.

Girl, that's a whole 'nother thread!! Some of it is our fault as a community, though. We baby and coddle black men too much, so much so that we forget about ourselves and put their needs ahead of our. I remember during the Democratic primaries when Hillary and Obama were caught in a death match. There were these t-shirts that said "Bros Before Hos". That slogan bothered me so very much because it wasn't just about Hillary; it was about black women. Essentially what it meant to me was that black men are so disenfranchised, so mistreated that they deserve to be in leadership positions even before black women.

Some of this mentality is perpetuated in these articles geared towards black women where we are blamed for our miserable plight; you see, it's because we've treated the black man so horribly that he's turned his back against us. Some of it is manifested in our cultural norms -- music and church -- the two spheres where black men dominate and black women cede all kinds of power to them because we feel guilty about how black men are viewed and mistreated.

For these very reasons we have contributed to the fact that we are invisible to the larger society. Black women are strong, right? They are matriarchs, right? They are super human, right? Those stereotypes run so far and deep that eventually they turn us into anything but human. We don't have feelings at all. We don't have needs. We don't have desires. Our entire existence is wrapped up in black men. Until there is a change, it'll remain this way. I see it as a pathology. And we wonder why OOW births are so common in our community. Hell, many of us are looking for unconditional love, sometimes not provided by the men in our lives for whatever reason, legitimate or not.
 
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Meh, big deal. I've experienced the 'everything but black' syndrome and those guys still messaged me. I don't get it.

One thing you start to realize over time is that it's all about quality vs quantity. A Vietnamese friend of mine just got engaged, and this guy was only her second boyfriend. That's it. We all know he's the one for her. It only took her two tries to find the right one, and while it takes the rest of us a few more...it's about QUALITY...we're looking for THE ONE. So if my blackness means I get a fraction of the responses other women get oh well. If one of them is a quality man, I am satisfied. Meanwhile, plenty of women are getting 50 messages a day...all looking for some quick booty. I'm good thank you very much.
 
Why is it that soceity accepts it as a "preference" (which I understand and agree with) untill I do it? Black men can prefer to date White/Hispanic women, White guys can prefer to date Asians but because I prefer to date darksinned (highly educated) Black guys I'm a racist? I have male friends of all races and they constantly call me a racist...but my Hispanic male friends "preference" for natural red heads (which would by necessity almost always exclude, Blacks, Asians and Hispanics) is okay? I think everyone is okay with someone else having a "preference" until they are excluded.
 
Why is it that soceity accepts it as a "preference" (which I understand and agree with) untill I do it? Black men can prefer to date White/Hispanic women, White guys can prefer to date Asians but because I prefer to date darksinned (highly educated) Black guys I'm a racist? I have male friends of all races and they constantly call me a racist...but my Hispanic male friends "preference" for natural red heads (which would by necessity almost always exclude, Blacks, Asians and Hispanics) is okay? I think everyone is okay with someone else having a "preference" until they are excluded.

You should call them "racist" back and see what they say then.
 
When it comes to threads like this, I always take an interest in reading them. I'm always afraid to post though because some folks like to gang up on you when you say something they don't agree with.

So I'm just gonna keep bumping lol.

To "Cm" I've heard that before too. I feel that you can date who you want, and NO it's not racist that you prefer to dat a darkskinned educated black man.
 
couldn't have said it better myself

it's called a preference...much like the ones that prevent/attract a man to you in real life...online is no different


yes it is..

it is just that people get up in arms when something doesn't include them.. dudes tell me all the time they dont want to date a woman with kids... thats fine.. when that dude tries to send me a message, i politely point that out and KIM..


Everyone isnt a match for everyone...
 
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