SPINOFF:Men only understand SILENCE/NO COMMUNICATION- WHY IS THIS?

[complexsimplicity]

Very interesting thread. My main question is, why do you ladies feel that men need to chase? Why don't they just feel happy about the fact that they caught the woman? She should be like the trophy after all that he's had to do, but once he's won her, he doesn't want her anymore. Men are so confusing.
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[kbragg]

Very interesting thread. My main question is, why do you ladies feel that men need to chase? Why don't they just feel happy about the fact that they caught the woman? She should be like the trophy after all that he's had to do, but once he's won her, he doesn't want her anymore. Men are so confusing.
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Girl I don't know There's probably things that men wonder about us too. Like why do they have to say "I love you" or tell her "you're pretty" several times a week, she should know by my actions how I feel. Most men don't need their woman to tell them how fine they are....not so with many of us

I think men like the idea of having to work for a woman. I think it's what differentiates a woman from a mother a child. A woman that does everything for their man may remind him of his mother and a woman who is super needy may remind him of a parent child relationship. So a woman being slightly out of his reach challenges his and makes her unique to all his other female relationships. That's just my unprofessional opinion though

Think about it in the bedroom. What will a man find more appealing? Ganny pannies and baggy sweats, or a sexy bra and boy shorts set? It's the same puddy, same tiddays, etc but the presentation makes a BIG difference. Now that's not to say that I haven't been sneak attacked before in a bathrobe granny pannies and with a plastic cap on my head before but best believe if that was ALWAYS the way I presented myself DH might start to get a bit turned off by the frumpiness.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Thank you for this theard OP. I needed to be reminded and go back to the basics.

 

[Kurlee]

This is true, but I do think you should put a fool that is acting up on ignore. Some people are not worth the effort. I am not sure this is tricking someone into respecting you, I believe it is showing them that you demand respect and have no time for games.

You do not know someone is a good dude until you give them time to show themselves. You can not determine if someone is a good man on first sight. With that said when they start acting stupid, you place them on ignore and go on with your damn life!

i believe in ignore if you're cutting the person off, but if you know you;re doing it to get a certain reaction and you're gonna come back, it's childish and playing games. If you can't be straight up with someone and say, "hey, I need such and such from you" and get a good response, I just don't think they are worth the trouble

 

[aribell]

It's not necesarily about reverse psychology (i.e. I ignore you so you will pay attention to me), but moreso about I'm not going to waste my time . Men do what they want to do. So if a man isn't calling me or spending time with me that means that he doesn't want to and that's my cue to fall back and do my own thing. If he comes back around, we might could talk things out. If he doesn't then I'm too busy doing me to notice or care. It just so happens that a lot of men respond more to being ignored then being hounded, cajoled, nagged, or told about themselves. So while women may think to themselves, I'm a grown arse woman and I don't play games so I'm going to tell him exactly what's on my mind, it winds up being a pointless exercise in futility that doesn't get the desired result.

I don't think what I said contradicted what you've said above. My point wasn't about reverse psychology, nor was I encouraging
women to go off on anyone. But rather simply moving on. If it takes ignoring someone to get them to call you back, I don't think it's likely they're serious about you, otherwise they would have been acting right in the first place. And if/when they do come back around, just the fact that you had to walk away from them once may well mean they're not worth talking to again at all. No need to let someone waste your time at regular intervals just because it looks like they've come around once again. I mean, if a man disappears on me, then why would I start entertaining him again? He had an opportunity and said "I pass," so I would consider it simply over with unless he somehow really showed he was about something different when he does come sniffing around.


Again, I don't think the ones who really want something will play these kind of hide and seek games, which are different than simple self respect and boundaries.

 

[aribell]

i believe in ignore if you're cutting the person off, but if you know you;re doing it to get a certain reaction and you're gonna come back, it's childish and playing games. If you can't be straight up with someone and say, "hey, I need such and such from you" and get a good response, I just don't think they are worth the trouble

I think your first sentence is what I wanted to say. If you're done with someone then be done with them. I think women can look silly when we talk about ignoring someone because they're not acting right, only to pick right back up as soon as they come around again, nothing really different, they haven't changed or apologized. That's the kind of thing that I think makes women not be taken seriously--"Oh, she's just mad, but she'll get over it." I mean do we assume that communicating an issue has to mean telling a man about himself? Just stay cool, use "I" statements, say what you intend to do, and then stick to it. Communicating isn't about ripping into someone.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I like this thread alot because its SOOOOO true.

 

[zzirvingj]

I've also noticed this....when you are emotionally close to a man....he can FEEL your moods shift. So, if you are annoyed, irritated, sad about something dealing with the two of you....he will KNOW and you do not even have to announce it. Just clam up. He'll start inquiring, "baby what's wrong?" and then, you say, "oh, nothing honey." and leave it at that....next thing he will say is, "are you sure honey?" you say, "um-hm".... next thing you know he's offering himself to you to talk if you want, "ok, well, if you need to talk, let me know baby" and he's rubbing the back of your neck and shoulders....while you remain off somewhere....*deep in thought*

TRY IT! This is one way to keep your man on his toes and let him know the chase ain't over. Believe me, once they feel the chase is over, they become disinterested anyway. Married or not. It works for everyone.

OMG...I just had to comment on this post because almost this EXACT scenario happened to me once!

I just had something weighing on my mind really heavy about a person I had been seeing, and it was distracting me one night we were out to dinner. I actually didn't hear some of the things he was saying at dinner because I was in la la land thinking about that particular thing...

Anyways, it wasn't the time or place to bring it up, long story short, and I thought I was doing a decent job of hiding my feelings/expressions...but he definitely noticed.

Him: "You seem quiet tonight. Is something wrong?"
Me: "No."

10 minutes later...

Him: "Are you 'sure' everything's okay?"
Me: "Yes, everything is fine"...By that point I actually couldn't help but show a tad bit of irritation because I just happen not to feel like I'm being pressured to talk about something when I'm not ready...it's just how I am.

Anywho, he is not an affectionate person at all. But that night while waiting for valet, he was all pulling me close to him, putting his arms around my waist, kissing my forehead, etc. It was really a noticeable difference....honestly it made me feel like he cared about my feelings. That if something was truly bothering me, that he would want to know, and try to do something about it.

The funniest thing about the whole night was that part of the issue I had been having was him not verbally expressing enough how he felt about me. Coincidentally, that happened to be the first time he ever told me he missed me...called me after I got home from that dinner to say so. It was kinda weird, almost as if he was reading my mind a little

 

[gabulldawg]

I had an ex who refused to give me quality time and attention no matter how much I pleaded with him. The second I decided to stop calling him for a week or two there he was asking, "Where you been?" A woman can never go wrong by ignoring a man. Either you'll get him to do what he should've been in the first place or he'll disappear and you don't have to waste your time with him anymore. It's a win-win either way.

THIS!!! I really wish more women would understand this! It's not playing games or being immature. It's reality.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Cause discipline comes in actions. Men (really all ppl) only understand consequences. Lol. If there's no consequence ain't no need to yell and cry about it.

 

[LiftedUp]

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, men like to chase. When you're getting too close, they like to pull away and for you to pull away so that he can chase. That's life on Mars I guess lol.

 

[Aviah]

i think it's a sign of immaturity/weak communication skills. All the games and hoop jumping are not for me. If I have to constantly "test" you and teach you lessons to get what I want from you, I don't want you, because you're only doing it because I made you by being passive aggressive. Keeping people on notice is exhausting and I would much rather enjoy someones company vs. constantly figuring out ways to "trick"/teach them how to respect me. If you are a good person with good intentions, you will act right, without coaxing and games.

I very much agree with this point. However, I do believe that you have to show in a relationship what is and is not acceptable. Sometimes nagging isn't the way (in fact it isn't most times)-sometimes being silent is good if you genuinely have nothing to say or what you say will be destructive because of anger. Or even if you just need some time apart. Sometimes I'll do this to just get out of the heat of the moment and sort things out later.

There's no need for games, but interactions in a relationship will change the way you respond to one another whether you intended it to or not. Being a good person with good intentions does not mean people will not make mistakes or always know when something bothers you unless your words/actions/demeanor let them know. We shape each other whether we know it or not.

 

[RegaLady]

As said before, it doesn't stop in dating but contines in marriage too. I always let Dh chase and I pull back for him to respond. It isn't game playing, just human nature, I suppose. I always want him to feel like he has won the prize and that he needs to work to keep it.

ET: He knows when I am silent, he is in trouble

 

[sky_blu]

i think it's a sign of immaturity/weak communication skills. All the games and hoop jumping are not for me. If I have to constantly "test" you and teach you lessons to get what I want from you, I don't want you, because you're only doing it because I made you by being passive aggressive. Keeping people on notice is exhausting and I would much rather enjoy someones company vs. constantly figuring out ways to "trick"/teach them how to respect me. If you are a good person with good intentions, you will act right, without coaxing and games.

Yessssssssssssss! This is where I'm at now. I miss him but I'm tired.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I'm caught in the middle on this one. On the one hand I understand exactly what the ladies are talking about who've been through this. I was interested in a guy once and it seemed he liked me too. We did everything together, people around us assumed we were together at times. Well I must've said or done something that upset him because he started avoiding me and I made the mistake of trying to pry it out of him which didn't work. So I ignored him for a week and spent time with my girlfriends and otherwise focused on me. Wouldn't you know he comes running and asks "Where were you this weekend?" "Wanna go out for lunch?". So it's definitely true.

However I see what LadyPaniolo, Kurlee and other ladies are saying about immaturity, being mentally exhausted to play these games and ladies mentioning having to go through this with men they are no longer with. Also, in the marriages I've seen that last longer than 15 years this trend of behavior at some point stops. I don't know why that is. There are also guys I've encountered where this tactic just would not work.

 

[renren]

I'm caught in the middle on this one. On the one hand I understand exactly what the ladies are talking about who've been through this. I was interested in a guy once and it seemed he liked me too. We did everything together, people around us assumed we were together at times. Well I must've said or done something that upset him because he started avoiding me and I made the mistake of trying to pry it out of him which didn't work. So I ignored him for a week and spent time with my girlfriends and otherwise focused on me. Wouldn't you know he comes running and asks "Where were you this weekend?" "Wanna go out for lunch?". So it's definitely true.

However I see what LadyPaniolo, Kurlee and other ladies are saying about immaturity, being mentally exhausted to play these games and ladies mentioning having to go through this with men they are no longer with. Also, in the marriages I've seen that last longer than 15 years this trend of behavior at some point stops. I don't know why that is. There are also guys I've encountered where this tactic just would not work.

I agree with you here.... I understand both sides... an i have experienced both sides. I think the main thing is that if your are being silent/giving them the cold shoulder its because u really are out there living your life. If you are sittin by the phone waiting for it to ring... then not answering when you see its that person. Or u refuse to call them but check your phone every 5mins to see if they text you then I would call that game playing.

If you seriously decide to sit back an allow the man to do their job (set the pace of the rship, initiate dates etc) and you do your thing then that is just being smart/wise in the way you relate to men. Nothing wrong with dat. Men have needs too.... allow them to do their part... to chase... to initiate and pursue...you jus be available/welcoming while you are out there living your life an doing ur thing.

 

[Bmack]

I agree with you here.... I understand both sides... an i have experienced both sides. I think the main thing is that if your are being silent/giving them the cold shoulder its because u really are out there living your life. If you are sittin by the phone waiting for it to ring... then not answering when you see its that person. Or u refuse to call them but check your phone every 5mins to see if they text you then I would call that game playing.

If you seriously decide to sit back an allow the man to do their job (set the pace of the rship, initiate dates etc) and you do your thing then that is just being smart/wise in the way you relate to men. Nothing wrong with dat. Men have needs too.... allow them to do their part... to chase... to initiate and pursue...you jus be available/welcoming while you are out there living your life an doing ur thing.

This is what I am getting at. No games being played- just you falling back and doing you. I can attest to this as my now husband came running as soon as I was like then, fell back and was doing me. I remember being gaga over him to the point I was doing too much. This happens sometimes when you really care for someone. You just think you are expressing your feelings

I also know many women who have experienced this too. One very good friend was in this same situation. As soon as she moved on from this guy that she was giving her time to, he came calling. There is more to the story, but it is always the same o'le ish. No one wants to play games

 

[Fine 4s]

You know I have issues with dating, I don't understand it, I fight the truth, I'm not good at 'marketing' myself, I'm not good at reading between the lines, or decoding his words, I stumble, I might not be realistic, I might be hopelessly romantic with how I think it will all play out, I might send the wrong messages but one thing I do know in my heart is that...when it's the right person, there are no need for any of these games. I will be available, I will answer all your calls I will not pretend to be anywhere else other than where I want to be which is with you, I will not pretend to have many men chasing me, I will not pretend to be busier than how I really live my life...none of that is necessary because he will see my heart and love me for exactly what I am. Someone who might say I love you first, someone who stays home quite a bit day dreaming about her ideal career, her fear of losing her grandmother and how much she wishes her hair would be full waist length....nothing else will matter to him because he'll see....me.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

You know I have issues with dating, I don't understand it, I fight the truth, I'm not good at 'marketing' myself, I'm not good at reading between the lines, or decoding his words, I stumble, I might not be realistic, I might be hopelessly romantic with how I think it will all play out, I might send the wrong messages but one thing I do know in my heart is that...when it's the right person, there are no need for any of these games. I will be available, I will answer all your calls I will not pretend to be anywhere else other than where I want to be which is with you, I will not pretend to have many men chasing me, I will not pretend to be busier than how I really live my life...none of that is necessary because he will see my heart and love me for exactly what I am. Someone who might say I love you first, someone who stays home quite a bit day dreaming about her ideal career, her fear of losing her grandmother and how much she wishes her hair would be full waist length....nothing else will matter to him because he'll see....me.

This right here... is me to a tee.

 

[tinkat]

You know I have issues with dating, I don't understand it, I fight the truth, I'm not good at 'marketing' myself, I'm not good at reading between the lines, or decoding his words, I stumble, I might not be realistic, I might be hopelessly romantic with how I think it will all play out, I might send the wrong messages but one thing I do know in my heart is that...when it's the right person, there are no need for any of these games. I will be available, I will answer all your calls I will not pretend to be anywhere else other than where I want to be which is with you, I will not pretend to have many men chasing me, I will not pretend to be busier than how I really live my life...none of that is necessary because he will see my heart and love me for exactly what I am. Someone who might say I love you first, someone who stays home quite a bit day dreaming about her ideal career, her fear of losing her grandmother and how much she wishes her hair would be full waist length....nothing else will matter to him because he'll see....me.

Completely understand like ScorpioBeauty09 said, I see me in this post. Like every single sentence, even the might say I love you first part. I said I love you first to my first love bc it does not take the words to know if someone loves ya, I knew his butt loved me, he still does (as do I but not in that way). He was very receptive and could not stop saying it after i was brave enough let the cat out the bag. There are alot of unconventional views I have but I have learned that it does not apply to every guy. We have to weed out those ones that are the typical jerks and the ones that are true.

 

[Msstarr718]

You know I have issues with dating, I don't understand it, I fight the truth, I'm not good at 'marketing' myself, I'm not good at reading between the lines, or decoding his words, I stumble, I might not be realistic, I might be hopelessly romantic with how I think it will all play out, I might send the wrong messages but one thing I do know in my heart is that...when it's the right person, there are no need for any of these games. I will be available, I will answer all your calls I will not pretend to be anywhere else other than where I want to be which is with you, I will not pretend to have many men chasing me, I will not pretend to be busier than how I really live my life...none of that is necessary because he will see my heart and love me for exactly what I am. Someone who might say I love you first, someone who stays home quite a bit day dreaming about her ideal career, her fear of losing her grandmother and how much she wishes her hair would be full waist length....nothing else will matter to him because he'll see....me.

Girl this brought a tear to my eye because this is EXACTLY how I feel. I too am a hopeless romantic. Im sick of the games and I don't want to play them anymore but it just seems every time I think Ive found someone that I like and I think we hit it off it goes nowhere. As soon as I start showing my feelings, doing and saying nice things, cooking for him, letting him know how I feel of course he falls back. The messages started to dwindle and the phone calls eventually stopped. So now I'm back at square one and I don't know which way to go because I do not have the strength to play the game.

 

[knt1229]

You shouldn't have to convince, cajole, or trick someone into respecting you or treating you decently. If a man is interested he should be able to do that on his own and if he doesn't do it it's a clue that he ain't the one. Not spending time with you means he doesn't want you. The beginning of a relationship should be effortless and fun. In the beginning is when he should want to spend the most time with you.

How are you going to hang for the long haul when you are being mistreated within the first few months?

 

[PopLife]

You know I have issues with dating, I don't understand it, I fight the truth, I'm not good at 'marketing' myself, I'm not good at reading between the lines, or decoding his words, I stumble, I might not be realistic, I might be hopelessly romantic with how I think it will all play out, I might send the wrong messages but one thing I do know in my heart is that...when it's the right person, there are no need for any of these games. I will be available, I will answer all your calls I will not pretend to be anywhere else other than where I want to be which is with you, I will not pretend to have many men chasing me, I will not pretend to be busier than how I really live my life...none of that is necessary because he will see my heart and love me for exactly what I am. Someone who might say I love you first, someone who stays home quite a bit day dreaming about her ideal career, her fear of losing her grandmother and how much she wishes her hair would be full waist length....nothing else will matter to him because he'll see....me.

I can so relate to this post. At the end of the day I want someone to love/accept me for me not because I played all these silly games.

 

[Ladybelle]

Its simple: 1. Men understand their own language as what they do means a heck of a lot more than what they say and 2. Actions really do speak louder than words.

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