The candid questions regarding relationships thread (for grown folks)

[jerseyhaircare]

Has anyone felt like they hit a second puberty in here late 30's? Are just a resurgence of sex drive years after having kids? During my two pregnancies, my sex drive went to zero which was due both in part to hormones and massive weight gain. And long term breast feeding. Just felt numb.

I stayed in this mommy zone for four years, seeing sex as a chore when once upon a time I had a high drive. I hated myself when I'm fat since my sexuality is tied into how I feel about my body and how others perceive me. I put no effort into my appearance, just dowdy fat wife. Dh was supportive, but by June if this year, he was honest and told me I have to get myself together because he was no longer sexually attractive. I was mad for a minute. But when I stepped on the scale and realized I was unable to wear any of my old clothing, I finally figured it was time to put in work.

This summer, unweaned the last baby and put a sincere effort into cleaning my diet and exercising. I went from about a 12/14 to an curvy 8. Instill have a ways to go, but hubby has been in full blown randy mode since seeing the improvement around august. I really didn't see the difference till this month-curves are back, thighs are slimming down, I even was able to fit into a two piece (but not ready for exposure.) I found a hairstyle that's easy but looks real classy, fitting into my old clothes, even putting in heels again.

What's more interesting is I realized my drive had returned sometime this week, sex on the mind constantly. Thinking it's mainly because I'm getting my old self confidence back but I recall hearing women peak sexually in their 30/40s. No matter the reason, I'm grateful to have that part of me back. But now, I'm trying to find a balance since I've been in mom mode so long, I need to get back into the 'woman' vibe.

 

[Zaynab]

Has anyone felt like they hit a second puberty in here late 30's? Are just a resurgence of sex drive years after having kids? During my two pregnancies, my sex drive went to zero which was due both in part to hormones and massive weight gain. And long term breast feeding. Just felt numb.

I stayed in this mommy zone for four years, seeing sex as a chore when once upon a time I had a high drive. I hated myself when I'm fat since my sexuality is tied into how I feel about my body and how others perceive me. I put no effort into my appearance, just dowdy fat wife. Dh was supportive, but by June if this year, he was honest and told me I have to get myself together because he was no longer sexually attractive. I was mad for a minute. But when I stepped on the scale and realized I was unable to wear any of my old clothing, I finally figured it was time to put in work.

This summer, unweaned the last baby and put a sincere effort into cleaning my diet and exercising. I went from about a 12/14 to an curvy 8. Instill have a ways to go, but hubby has been in full blown randy mode since seeing the improvement around august. I really didn't see the difference till this month-curves are back, thighs are slimming down, I even was able to fit into a two piece (but not ready for exposure.) I found a hairstyle that's easy but looks real classy, fitting into my old clothes, even putting in heels again.

What's more interesting is I realized my drive had returned sometime this week, sex in the mind constantly. Thinking it's mainly because I'm getting my old self confidence back but I recall hearing women peak sexually in their 30/40s. No matter the reason, I'm grateful to have that part of me back. But now, I'm trying to find a balance since I've been in mom mode so long, I need to get back into the 'woman' vibe.

This is so great. I really think alot of things are tied into your mental and emotional state and yes self confidence. Glad you were receptive to your hubby's words.

 

[jerseyhaircare]

This is so great. I really think alot of things are tied into your mental and emotional state and yes self confidence. Glad you were receptive to your hubby's words.

Yes, so am I. However, I wish I did it way sooner. This was an issue the past 2-3 years in our marriage. His stance was that he married me looking a certain way and he felt me losing the weight was non negotiable. I felt that he was being superficial and he should love me no matter what size I was. He admitted that looks mattered to him and would warn me that he'd always love me but he would find it hard to always want me if I didn't get back to the old me (weight, self maintence, etc).

That pissed me the hell off. I was just mad at life. There I was dealing with the physical after effects of child bearing plus the exhaustion of motherhood, and I have this man telling me to get my stuff together. I resented the fact that he did not have to go through any physical changes and therefore had no leg on telling me what I had to do. A secret part of me was afraid that I may not be capable of losing the weight (genetics, being over 35, lacking my previous stamina and free time). Every time I would think of a plan for weight loss, I would counter it as being unfair for me to have to lose weight to benefit him-and then I would buy something fatty and eat it. This led to many fights in the marriage and a feeling a anger and resentment along with low self esteem.

The only place I felt accepted was at work. A lot of my coworkers and collegues were fat and way out of shape, so amongst the umpa loompa's, I was a goddess. Women would tell me I looked great for having two kids and men would flirt. I would take that back home to my husband as evidence that the issue was him, not me. He would just counter it with "First of all, don't disrespect me by talking about other men. Second of all, I'm visual. I didn't marry a fat woman. I married a sexy woman. I'll do what it takes to help-we'll go to the gym together, I'll hire a trainer and we'll work on your meal plans." That would just make me angrier because I felt that he was missing the whole 'big can be beautiful' point.

Tying this into that other thread, this is why I was able to fall into that hug pattern. I knew I was unattractive at that time so I truly felt that the hug was just a hug and I was happy to get any ego boost since it wasn't coming from inside my home.

Couple of things happened over the summer, I weaned the last kid (about 22 months). I really thought that when that was done, I would drop the weight since I convinced myself that I was just holding onto the fat for breastfeeding. A month later, I was taking the kids to play in the sprinklers in our backyard, so I had on a bathing suit. I thought I looked cute. DH did not. He tried to be nice but he asked me if I could see the weight gain. I said no, what are you talking about? He pointed to my legs, the cellulite; he touched my arms and I watched it jiggle wildly. He said "it's time. We must work on a plan to lose weight.' I stormed off, cursing him out in my mind for ruining my afternoon. But that night, when everyone was asleep, I got on the scale and saw I gained more than 15 pounds in the span of two months.

I had to decide if this holding on to my weight to prove something was worth it. Was it worth my marriage? Was it worth my self esteem? Was it worth my health?

I decided to lose the weight but framed it to myself as losing weight for me, with his benefit being secondary. I didn't tell him anything because I didn't want him to take over. I needed to do this myself because I wasn't even sure if it was possible. That way if I failed, I would only be disappointing myself. I started the beginning of July and have lost a tremendous amount of weight. The scale only shows about 15-20 lbs but my clothes are the most telling. I was afraid that my husband was expecting me to be at my pre pregnancy weight-which was a size two. But no, he's over the moon with how I look now.

That's what makes me feel sad-I spent all that time fighting and defying him when his expectations were very minimal-comb your hair (I was sporting this weird helmet hair look for about 3 years because I was too lazy to figure out my hair), dress nicely, basically let go of the maternity look and look more like a woman.

It took me reading a few threads on this site to start changing my mind. My husband having expectations is not disrespectful, it is part of marriage. So yes, things are getting better.

 

[Zaynab]

Yes, so am I. However, I wish I did it way sooner. This was an issue the past 2-3 years in our marriage. His stance was that he married me looking a certain way and he felt me losing the weight was non negotiable. I felt that he was being superficial and he should love me no matter what size I was. He admitted that looks mattered to him and would warn me that he'd always love me but he would find it hard to always want me if I didn't get back to the old me (weight, self maintence, etc).

That pissed me the hell off. I was just mad at life. There I was dealing with the physical after effects of child bearing plus the exhaustion of motherhood, and I have this man telling me to get my stuff together. I resented the fact that he did not have to go through any physical changes and therefore had no leg on telling me what I had to do. A secret part of me was afraid that I may not be capable of losing the weight (genetics, being over 35, lacking my previous stamina and free time). Every time I would think of a plan for weight loss, I would counter it as being unfair for me to have to lose weight to benefit him-and then I would buy something fatty and eat it. This led to many fights in the marriage and a feeling a anger and resentment along with low self esteem.

The only place I felt accepted was at work. A lot of my coworkers and collegues were fat and way out of shape, so amongst the umpa loompa's, I was a goddess. Women would tell me I looked great for having two kids and men would flirt. I would take that back home to my husband as evidence that the issue was him, not me. He would just counter it with "First of all, don't disrespect me by talking about other men. Second of all, I'm visual. I didn't marry a fat woman. I married a sexy woman. I'll do what it takes to help-we'll go to the gym together, I'll hire a trainer and we'll work on your meal plans." That would just make me angrier because I felt that he was missing the whole 'big can be beautiful' point.

Tying this into that other thread, this is why I was able to fall into that hug pattern. I knew I was unattractive at that time so I truly felt that the hug was just a hug and I was happy to get any ego boost since it wasn't coming from inside my home.

Couple of things happened over the summer, I weaned the last kid (about 22 months). I really thought that when that was done, I would drop the weight since I convinced myself that I was just holding onto the fat for breastfeeding. A month later, I was taking the kids to play in the sprinklers in our backyard, so I had on a bathing suit. I thought I looked cute. DH did not. He tried to be nice but he asked me if I could see the weight gain. I said no, what are you talking about? He pointed to my legs, the cellulite; he touched my arms and I watched it jiggle wildly. He said "it's time. We must work on a plan to lose weight.' I stormed off, cursing him out in my mind for ruining my afternoon. But that night, when everyone was asleep, I got on the scale and saw I gained more than 15 pounds in the span of two months.

I had to decide if this holding on to my weight to prove something was worth it. Was it worth my marriage? Was it worth my self esteem? Was it worth my health?

I decided to lose the weight but framed it to myself as losing weight for me, with his benefit being secondary. I didn't tell him anything because I didn't want him to take over. I needed to do this myself because I wasn't even sure if it was possible. That way if I failed, I would only be disappointing myself. I started the beginning of July and have lost a tremendous amount of weight. The scale only shows about 15-20 lbs but my clothes are the most telling. I was afraid that my husband was expecting me to be at my pre pregnancy weight-which was a size two. But no, he's over the moon with how I look now.

That's what makes me feel sad-I spent all that time fighting and defying him when his expectations were very minimal-comb your hair (I was sporting this weird helmet hair look for about 3 years because I was too lazy to figure out my hair), dress nicely, basically let go of the maternity look and look more like a woman.

It took me reading a few threads on this site to start changing my mind. My husband having expectations is not disrespectful, it is part of marriage. So yes, things are getting better.

This is such a great post. I know we’ve had countless threads about weight, looks, etc. but I still feel it’s important to look as good as you can and not let yourself go. And any drastic changes in appearance shouldn’t be, oh he should accept me like this. It’s hard to receive criticism and really implement suggestions in a positive way like you did

 

[aquajoyice]

Question: Any tricks for introverts that are in long-term relationships/marriage?

Idk if I could be married to someone and sign my entire life over knowing that I may never be alone again. I recharge during the little moments of alone time I get.

 

[jerseyhaircare]

Question: Any tricks for introverts that are in long-term relationships/marriage?

Idk if I could be married to someone and sign my entire life over knowing that I may never be alone again. I recharge during the little moments of alone time I get.

Going to work helps (if you have an office, it gives you plenty of alone time). I also recharge at the gym and sometimes stay up very late or wake up at 4 am to get some alone time. Being an introvert is easy with spouse, it's when you have kids it becomes so hard to get away. Children don't understand 'mommy needs space.'

 

[aquajoyice]

Going to work helps (if you have an office, it gives you plenty of alone time). I also recharge at the gym and sometimes stay up very late or wake up at 4 am to get some alone time. Being an introvert is easy with spouse, it's when you have kids it becomes so hard to get away. Children don't understand 'mommy needs space.'

You're right about kids not understanding mommy time. I'm one of those people that stay up really late just to have some time alone where I don't have to talk to anyone. My son's bedtime is locked at 8 so I can have some time to clean then just sit without any interruptions.

 

[IslandMummy]

Question: Any tricks for introverts that are in long-term relationships/marriage?

Idk if I could be married to someone and sign my entire life over knowing that I may never be alone again. I recharge during the little moments of alone time I get.

Find someone who respects that you need to be alone to recharge.

 

[Phoenix14]

Find someone who respects that you need to be alone to recharge.

My boyfriend has been AMAZING at this. To the point where he'll leave me alone and I get upset and accuse him of neglecting me until he just laughs, kisses me and reminds me that I need the time and space for myself and that he'll be right there waiting when I'm recharged.

 

[lennet93]

Question: Any tricks for introverts that are in long-term relationships/marriage?

Idk if I could be married to someone and sign my entire life over knowing that I may never be alone again. I recharge during the little moments of alone time I get.

I'm an introvert and I've been married 10 years...my husband understands my introversion and he makes sure gives me time alone to recharge. Our 3 children on the other hand don't really understand how crucial alone time is for me...they give me NO space! lol . The person would have to understand and respect the fact that you will need time alone. I use the gym as a way to get some alone time.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Question: Any tricks for introverts that are in long-term relationships/marriage?

Idk if I could be married to someone and sign my entire life over knowing that I may never be alone again. I recharge during the little moments of alone time I get.

Date/marry an introvert

 

[jerseyhaircare]

Date/marry an introvert

That would be one quiet household, lol.

 

[C@ssandr@]

That would be one quiet household, lol.

As long as everyone's happy.

 

[kupenda]

s there a quality that you really want (but not a dealbreaker) in a man or partner missing in your current relationship but everything else is great?

For example: You have a great guy, he's a provider, protector, physical intimacy is amazing but this man does not like to travel and that's something you'd love to do with him?

How do you deal?

I know this is old. But this is my situation and it kills me. He's a good guy. Provides, protects, bedroom game is great and has never told me no, but he's SUCH a mamas boy I want to scream. She's a controlling woman and I have no idea how he's gonna get out of that. He's wrapped around her finger. It is the most unsexy thing ever. There are other issues we can work on. But I can't reign in his mama. That's his job

 

[jerseyhaircare]

Question: Any tricks for introverts that are in long-term relationships/marriage?

Idk if I could be married to someone and sign my entire life over knowing that I may never be alone again. I recharge during the little moments of alone time I get.

Dh and both kids passed out around 8pm. It's ten o'clock and I'm in a totally silent house, plus I have tomorrow off. I feel like I'm celebrating Christmas, Kwanza, and Festivus all in one!!

 

[aquajoyice]

Dh and both kids passed out around 8pm. It's ten o'clock and I'm in a totally silent house, plus I have tomorrow off. I feel like I'm celebrating Christmas, Kwanza, and Festivus all in one!!

Dh and both kids passed out around 8pm. It's ten o'clock and I'm in a totally silent house, plus I have tomorrow off. I feel like I'm celebrating Christmas, Kwanza, and Festivus all in one!!

Omg those are the best moments. I do my little practice twerk happy dance in the mirror when I have moments like that lol!

 

[jerseyhaircare]

What do you ladies do about stretch marks and c-section scars? Do you embrace it and keep it moving or have you been able to successfully remove/reduce the scars? I'm trying to get summer ready, but these stretch marks and scars on my sides are not the business

 

[DarkJoy]

What do you ladies do about stretch marks and c-section scars? Do you embrace it and keep it moving or have you been able to successfully remove/reduce the scars? I'm trying to get summer ready, but these stretch marks and scars on my sides are not the business

only ppl that notice that ish are other women. ever TRULY hear a man complain or trash talk a woman over some stretch marks? I never EVER have. Men look at the overall silhouette. Women pick and pick and pick over aesthetic details. It's a stupid mind game over sexual competition.

Obviously, I kim....

 

[jerseyhaircare]

only ppl that notice that ish are other women. ever TRULY hear a man complain or trash talk a woman over some stretch marks? I never EVER have. Men look at the overall silhouette. Women pick and pick and pick over aesthetic details. It's a stupid mind game over sexual competition.

Obviously, I kim....

Cool and thanks. I was thinking about finding some makeup to cover the spots, but don't want to look stupid if I enter the water and it starts dripping down my leg, lol.

 

[DarkJoy]

Cool and thanks. I was thinking about finding some makeup to cover the spots, but don't want to look stupid if I enter the water and it starts dripping down my leg, lol.

I had a friend who tried dermablend on her upper arms and sides of her breasts. she sweated... her poor outfit.

You got the right idea!

 

[Shimmie]

Ladies:

Please be mindful that we have members on this forum as young as 13 years old. Therefore, it is imperative that you avoid all subjects which are graphic in nature. The recent posts regarding anal sex had to be removed for that cause.

Please refer to the forum rules regarding sexual content:

Rule 39.

This board is comprised of members as young as 13 years of age, and for that reason, we DO NOT want to see material posted that is inappropriate for members of that age group to view. All such threads and posts will be removed.

------------------------------------

Ladies, thank you for your cooperation.

 

[LushLox]

Dh and both kids passed out around 8pm. It's ten o'clock and I'm in a totally silent house, plus I have tomorrow off. I feel like I'm celebrating Christmas, Kwanza, and Festivus all in one!!

See I'm the opposite, I fall asleep early but then I wake up around 5am even at the weekends and boy do I value that peace and alone time for a few hours. It's wonderful! Sometimes I feel bad for thinking that way, but not for too long!

 

[LaBella]

Always lurking, but sometimes I come out of the woods...

So I have question, with no one to ask...

Is there anything as being too wet?
I get that it can be the case for oral things.
But for the crayon... If it’s supersuperwet, can that impact the experience in a negative way?

 

[PeaceLover]

Always lurking, but sometimes I come out of the woods...

So I have question, with no one to ask...

Is there anything as being too wet?
I get that it can be the case for oral things.
But for the crayon... If it’s supersuperwet, can that impact the experience in a negative way?

Not from my experience. The wetter, the better. The only downside is having to change sheets.

 

[Supervixen]

Always lurking, but sometimes I come out of the woods...

So I have question, with no one to ask...

Is there anything as being too wet?
I get that it can be the case for oral things.
But for the crayon... If it’s supersuperwet, can that impact the experience in a negative way?

He may not be able to hold on very long.

 

[LaBella]

Maybe it’s not the wetness that is the problem, but maybe I need to do more kegels...
I haven’t received any complaints, but I feel like I am feeling less myself if it’s too wet.

But the feeling thing can also be a bigger problem, I am just starting to realise and investigate and I am near 40...

So the 2 apples are as good as insensitive
Also I barely can feel the crayon, any size.
But the little button works very well.
And also pressure on the G works well.
(Am I too graphic, because then I will edit)

I don’t think how I feel is a problem for the guy, as I have had a 2 and a 5 minute guy, so I guess it’s still pleasurable for them.

But now that I start to investigate myself more, I notice it’s most about the button, the G and the mind... without the mind, I am going nowhere. So I need to be triggered or trigger myself with stories or pictures in my mind or talking...
And the whole action is so much less about the crayon. I do want it to be there. And I do appreciate the looks of it, how it feels in my hand etc very much.
But I guess what I am trying to say is, I am not really feeling it...

Am I weird?
Is it kegels?
Is there something else I need to know/do?

 

[PeaceLover]

Yes, so am I. However, I wish I did it way sooner. This was an issue the past 2-3 years in our marriage. His stance was that he married me looking a certain way and he felt me losing the weight was non negotiable. I felt that he was being superficial and he should love me no matter what size I was. He admitted that looks mattered to him and would warn me that he'd always love me but he would find it hard to always want me if I didn't get back to the old me (weight, self maintence, etc).

That pissed me the hell off. I was just mad at life. There I was dealing with the physical after effects of child bearing plus the exhaustion of motherhood, and I have this man telling me to get my stuff together. I resented the fact that he did not have to go through any physical changes and therefore had no leg on telling me what I had to do. A secret part of me was afraid that I may not be capable of losing the weight (genetics, being over 35, lacking my previous stamina and free time). Every time I would think of a plan for weight loss, I would counter it as being unfair for me to have to lose weight to benefit him-and then I would buy something fatty and eat it. This led to many fights in the marriage and a feeling a anger and resentment along with low self esteem.

The only place I felt accepted was at work. A lot of my coworkers and collegues were fat and way out of shape, so amongst the umpa loompa's, I was a goddess. Women would tell me I looked great for having two kids and men would flirt. I would take that back home to my husband as evidence that the issue was him, not me. He would just counter it with "First of all, don't disrespect me by talking about other men. Second of all, I'm visual. I didn't marry a fat woman. I married a sexy woman. I'll do what it takes to help-we'll go to the gym together, I'll hire a trainer and we'll work on your meal plans." That would just make me angrier because I felt that he was missing the whole 'big can be beautiful' point.

Tying this into that other thread, this is why I was able to fall into that hug pattern. I knew I was unattractive at that time so I truly felt that the hug was just a hug and I was happy to get any ego boost since it wasn't coming from inside my home.

Couple of things happened over the summer, I weaned the last kid (about 22 months). I really thought that when that was done, I would drop the weight since I convinced myself that I was just holding onto the fat for breastfeeding. A month later, I was taking the kids to play in the sprinklers in our backyard, so I had on a bathing suit. I thought I looked cute. DH did not. He tried to be nice but he asked me if I could see the weight gain. I said no, what are you talking about? He pointed to my legs, the cellulite; he touched my arms and I watched it jiggle wildly. He said "it's time. We must work on a plan to lose weight.' I stormed off, cursing him out in my mind for ruining my afternoon. But that night, when everyone was asleep, I got on the scale and saw I gained more than 15 pounds in the span of two months.

I had to decide if this holding on to my weight to prove something was worth it. Was it worth my marriage? Was it worth my self esteem? Was it worth my health?

I decided to lose the weight but framed it to myself as losing weight for me, with his benefit being secondary. I didn't tell him anything because I didn't want him to take over. I needed to do this myself because I wasn't even sure if it was possible. That way if I failed, I would only be disappointing myself. I started the beginning of July and have lost a tremendous amount of weight. The scale only shows about 15-20 lbs but my clothes are the most telling. I was afraid that my husband was expecting me to be at my pre pregnancy weight-which was a size two. But no, he's over the moon with how I look now.

That's what makes me feel sad-I spent all that time fighting and defying him when his expectations were very minimal-comb your hair (I was sporting this weird helmet hair look for about 3 years because I was too lazy to figure out my hair), dress nicely, basically let go of the maternity look and look more like a woman.

It took me reading a few threads on this site to start changing my mind. My husband having expectations is not disrespectful, it is part of marriage. So yes, things are getting better.

This post is so honest & I need it. Since I’m pregnant, my hips are spreading and I’ve went up a pants size already. And it’s even worse because I was actively working out before & I was always fit. Now people keep telling me “look those hips, they are spreading blah blah blah” and I get kinda pissed.

I complained to DH and he said “yeah boo they’re spreading, but it’s ok, you’re still beautiful & will go back to your normal size after the baby” so I looked at him and asked “what if I don’t...why does that even matter” *rolls eyes* I know that his is very visual & my looks play a huge role to him, but even if I don’t look the same after this I don’t want him to comment about my weight. I’m not sure how I’ll take the criticism about my looks.

 

[Froreal3]

Always lurking, but sometimes I come out of the woods...

So I have question, with no one to ask...

Is there anything as being too wet?
I get that it can be the case for oral things.
But for the crayon... If it’s supersuperwet, can that impact the experience in a negative way?

Actually SO doesn't like it to be super sopping wet for some reason. He said it affects the sensation...maybe he enjoys a more gripping feeling...IDK.

 

[Supervixen]

This post is so honest & I need it. Since I’m pregnant, my hips are spreading and I’ve went up a pants size already. And it’s even worse because I was actively working out before & I was always fit. Now people keep telling me “look those hips, they are spreading blah blah blah” and I get kinda pissed.

I complained to DH and he said “yeah boo they’re spreading, but it’s ok, you’re still beautiful & will go back to your normal size after the baby” so I looked at him and asked “what if I don’t...why does that even matter” *rolls eyes* I know that his is very visual & my looks play a huge role to him, but even if I don’t look the same after this I don’t want him to comment about my weight. I’m not sure how I’ll take the criticism about my looks.

Give yourself a reasonable time period to return to your old self, an older lady told me at least 2 full years. I've taken that to heart and made it my goal.

 

[007PMP]

Always lurking, but sometimes I come out of the woods...

So I have question, with no one to ask...

Is there anything as being too wet?
I get that it can be the case for oral things.
But for the crayon... If it’s supersuperwet, can that impact the experience in a negative way?

I asked the same question to my BF because after my ablation my sex drive and natural lubrication went through the roof. His answer was the wetter the better—especially when we get to the back alley (I’m a slippery slope and it drives him crazy wild).

Personally, I only like using artificial lubricant for back alley driving. I’ve never been a fan of putting lub in vaginas—I don’t care how hypoallergenic they say it is.