Still single? What's the matter with you?

[BroadstreetBully]

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/08/13/still.single.lucky/index.html?hpt=C2

Still single? What's the matter with you?

By Karin Anderson, Special to CNN
August 13, 2010 9:36 a.m. EDT

Editor's note: Karin Anderson is a professor of psychology and counselor education at Concordia University Chicago. She is also the author of "It Just Hasn't Happened Yet."




(CNN) -- "You're such a beautiful girl! I can't understand why you're still single!"
"I don't get what those men aren't seeing in you. You're a catch!"
"How is it that a bright, gorgeous woman like you isn't married?"

I get it all the time --the seemingly innocent queries, perplexed, pitying looks, and left-handed compliments. So lovely, so charming, so talented --how in the world am I still single? One of life's great mysteries....
And sure, the observations appear benign. At first blush, they'd be considered flattery.


A closer look, however, reveals a secondary message lurking just beneath the surface -- "Well, you certainly seem wonderful, but you're in your forties and still single. What's that about? Maybe you harbor some man-repelling neurosis or you're such a control freak you scare 'em all off. Something must be going on or else you'd be married like any normal 40-year-old woman!"

They often think it, even if they don't say it. Then again, sometimes they do say it.

"Well, you're pretty picky and high maintenance."
"You probably intimidate a lot of men. Maybe tone it down a notch."
"You've got to make an effort. But don't hunt 'em down! Men can sense desperation!"

I shrug my shoulders and laugh it off. Seriously? Are we really having this conversation? It's the new millennium! Didn't women picket and petition and burn their bras to get us past such archaic thinking? I thought this mentality went out with beehive hairdos and vacuuming in heels.

Still . . . I'll admit it. Every once in a while the comments get the better of me. Maybe, they're right. It's true I haven't had a decent relationship in years. I could be messing things up without even realizing it....

So I take a look around, investigate a bit. It's time to get to the bottom of this.

What I find is rather alarming. Myriad messages from sundry sources proclaim that, yes, I'm doing it all wrong. Chick flicks depict quirky, lovelorn women who, after Pygmalionesque metamorphoses, emerge "fixed" and finally suitable for marriage.


Women's mags warn of "Dating Don'ts" and relationship faux pas while bookstores' self-help sections admonish with titles like "You Can Keep A Man: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships" and "The Ten Stupid Things You Do to Chase Away Prince Charming."

I feel myself beginning to cave -- who am I kidding? I can't refute this arsenal of why-I'm-dateless data. I guess they're right. It is my fault I'm still single! I'm too needy, too independent, too crazy, or too reclusive. Too emotional, too cerebral, too passive, or too domineering. Too something.

Great, now what? It'll take a complete personality overhaul to straighten out this mess! A daunting task, to be sure, but I'm on my way. All I have to do is identify and correct the character flaw (or two or three) that repels the good ones, and then I, too, will find Mr. Right, just like all my married friends!

Which is precisely where the logic breaks down.

Think about it. If single women possess imperfections and eccentricities which prevent us from snagging a man, then such personality shortcomings would appear much less frequently in the population of happily married women, right? Sure. Ask any husband -- he'll tell you. Wives show a full range of kinks and idiosyncrasies, just like the rest of us.

Furthermore, many of my happily married girlfriends exhibit extreme versions of the very traits that supposedly stymie my success. If my neurotic nature so utterly repels the fellas, how is it my Xanax-popping neighbor has a husband, 3 children, a garage full of anti-bacterial gel to pacify her OCD ? If I'm so horribly controlling, how did my bossy, domineering sorority sister badger her man down the aisle before the age of 24?

Sure, single women have deficiencies. So do married women. So do all of us! The tragic flaws of singles flare no more flagrantly than anyone else's. Theories asserting that these objectionable qualities explain our solo status amount to mere conjecture at best and flat out absurdity at worst.

Seriously.

I know you want more -- a formula or algorithm for changing whatever it is that blocks your relationship success. If we're all sullied and marred, how do some of us still manage to meet "The One"? What's their secret?

Well, that much I can tell you. I'm happy to let you in on this undisclosed, highly classified information. Are you ready? Brace yourself. THEY GOT LUCKY. And we will too someday, but it just hasn't happened yet.

That's right -- it just hasn't happened yet. Single women aren't screwed up (well at least no more than anyone else out there), we don't need to register for self-improvement seminars or undergo eight years of psychoanalysis. There's nothing more we should or could be doing and nothing we need to change. It just hasn't happened yet.

Next time they come at us with, "You're such a beautiful girl! I can't understand why you're still single!"

"It just hasn't happened yet."

"I don't get what those men aren't seeing in you. You're a catch!"

"It just hasn't happened yet."

"How is it that a bright, gorgeous woman like you isn't married?"

All together now, "It just hasn't happened yet!"

The link to this article was posted on another board and didn't go over so well. What do you all think? Does she make a valid point or is she missing something else?
​

 

[Bunny77]

Some valid points, some not.

I was with her pretty much until the end. I agree with the general premise of it being silly to think of single women as flawed, when we can look at plenty of married women and see those same exact flaws that the single women do. I always think of this extremely rotten, unfortunate looking and unpleasant woman who had this one decent-looking and nice man just salivating over her... he married her too and even when they briefly separated, he went right back to her.

You cannot tell me that she's a better overall catch than many of my single friends out here. In fact, I sometimes think that one's single status might be a sign that the woman is LESS flawed than many of her peers. Women rarely get applauded for choosing to remain single because they believe that they should wait for better choices than the ones that they have around them at the present time... yes, some women can take this too far in search of Mr. Non-Existent, but if a woman (especially a black one) turns down a potential suitor because he has a kid or isn't as educated, etc., she's criticized.


That being said, using the "they got lucky" reason is a lazy cop-out. Yes, some women do get lucky and meet Mr. Right in high school or college and never had to worry about the precarious world of dating. But I'm sorry, if you're 40 and single and don't want to be, I'm sure you had opportunities that you might have passed up, or you took on the "I'm waiting on God" stance which made you think that you could just sit and do nothing and a man would show up on your doorstep. If you want to be married and you find yourself single for a while, it might be time to change things up...

I don't believe in "It hasn't happened yet," as a blanket excuse. The only reason I'm getting married right now is because I MADE it happen. I didn't get lucky, I got proactive. So did my FH.

So, yes, her points start valid, but by the end, I think she missed the boat...

 

[*CherryPie*]

I agree with the whole article!

Loved it.

 

[Bun Mistress]

I'm not forty but I am single and getting older by the second.

Now I see people I work with that are all about putting forth the extra effort to get married. And most of them find some one. I don't really believe that is what I want to do right now. But its all about what you find is important to you right now. For them and other poster getting married may be a priority. For others its not.

When I have met people in the past it has totally been by chance. If I choose to start seriously thinking of getting married I know that I will have to change what I am doing to meet people or I will be single forever. But I know that relationships, dating, marriage, and childern takes effort eaching one demanding more and more. It all matters where you are willing to place your effort right now.

 

[Bunny77]

I'm not forty but I am single and getting older by the second.

Now I see people I work with that are all about putting forth the extra effort to get married. And most of them find some one. I don't really believe that is what I want to do right now. But its all about what you find is important to you right now. For them and other poster getting married may be a priority. For others its not.

When I have met people in the past it has totally been by chance. If I choose to start seriously thinking of getting married I know that I will have to change what I am doing to meet people or I will be single forever. But I know that relationships, dating, marriage, and childern takes effort eaching one demanding more and more. It all matters where you are willing to place your effort right now.

I totally agree with this. I like your response.

My fiance is 38 and has never been married. He said he wanted to be married, but fully admits that for many years, he had other priorities. Once he accomplished those things, he began to put more effort into finding a relationship, and in our relationship, he definitely did. (Driving four hours to see me, etc.)

Now he might not have been willing to do that for a woman a few years ago, and might have chosen being single over putting effort into a relationship.

And like you said, wait until kids come along!


But like you said, if you change your mind, you know you will have to do something different to meet people. That's the point that the author, in my opinion, totally ignored. I don't think that long-term single people are single because they're flawed, but to say that they're single because other people got lucky totally ignores the possibility that the single person COULD put more effort into dating (if she wants to) and get the same result as the "lucky" person.

 

[4cpleez]

I totally agree with this. I like your response.

My fiance is 38 and has never been married. He said he wanted to be married, but fully admits that for many years, he had other priorities. Once he accomplished those things, he began to put more effort into finding a relationship, and in our relationship, he definitely did. (Driving four hours to see me, etc.)

Now he might not have been willing to do that for a woman a few years ago, and might have chosen being single over putting effort into a relationship.

And like you said, wait until kids come along!


But like you said, if you change your mind, you know you will have to do something different to meet people. That's the point that the author, in my opinion, totally ignored. I don't think that long-term single people are single because they're flawed, but to say that they're single because other people got lucky totally ignores the possibility that the single person COULD put more effort into dating (if she wants to) and get the same result as the "lucky" person.

The bolded IMO confirms the lucky theory. I am assuming you have a good man now.. but what about the other ladies he may have dated when he wasn't where he wanted to be.. they were the unlucky ones.. (wrong timing).. you were the lucky one because you met a good man when he had the propensity to marry and was open to a monogamous relationship..(right timing) the women in his past not so much...

 

[Shinka]

I like the article, but I see what you're saying Bunny. I think Luck plays into someone meeting the right person whether you're actively looking or not. However, to maintain that relationship once its "found" takes a conscious effort & commitment.

I still think women who are actively looking for marriage/relationships may find many suitors, but that doesn't mean that they are the one. It still will take some matter of chance (i.e.luck) to find the one that's compatible.

Yeah it's a compout to just say "it hasn't happen yet" cause that the same as people sitting at home saying "a man is going to find me". I guess overall people( women in this case) have to play the lottery and increase their odds but putting themselves in the right places and mindset if a relationship or marriage is really their goal.

 

[Bunny77]

[/I][/B]

The bolded IMO confirms the lucky theory. I am assuming you have a good man now.. but what about the other ladies he may have dated when he wasn't where he wanted to be.. they were the unlucky ones.. (wrong timing).. you were the lucky one because you met a good man when he had the propensity to marry and was open to a monogamous relationship..(right timing) the women in his past not so much...

That's a good point.

And I too have been the one who was around when a man wasn't ready... I mentioned in a different thread that I'm NOW hearing from friends about various men who are bummed that I'm getting married because they thought I was cute and nice and wanted to ask me out... eventually.

But at the same time, I think you always have choices. FH did pass up on a woman when he wasn't ready, and instead of waiting, she moved on married someone else who was. And in my case, I could have waited around for these random men who liked me, but I didn't and kept it moving... and I found FH, who was ready.

Someone is ALWAYS going to be ready... it's up to the ready people to find each other! I've never believed that there was only one man out there that was fitted for me... so the fact that some men weren't ready for a serious relationship with me might have been annoying, but it didn't stop me from finding a good man. I just had to find someone else.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

[/I][/B]

The bolded IMO confirms the lucky theory. I am assuming you have a good man now.. but what about the other ladies he may have dated when he wasn't where he wanted to be.. they were the unlucky ones.. (wrong timing).. you were the lucky one because you met a good man when he had the propensity to marry and was open to a monogamous relationship..(right timing) the women in his past not so much...

You know, there might be some validity to the luck theory, but what increases ones chances of a desirable outcome? Some of these "lucky" women are "lucky" because they have active social lives so they meet A LOT of people, and because of this are more likely to meet Mr. Right than someone who does not get out as much. I'll admit that I do come across women who snagged a good man without much effort, but that will not happen to everyone. It is nice to hear those love stories involving a happy couple who happened to meet on an elevator or something, but it isn't common. I think some of the best advice given to involuntarily single women is the type of stuff that society discourages for the new generation of "modern women." It is the stuff that gets women labeled as desperate or too caught up on finding a man. Society would much rather just tell involuntarily single women that they are single because they have a lot of character flaws, even though these same flaws can be found in married women all around the world .

 

[4cpleez]

That's a good point.


Someone is ALWAYS going to be ready... it's up to the ready people to find each other! I've never believed that there was only one man out there that was fitted for me... so the fact that some men weren't ready for a serious relationship with me might have been annoying, but it didn't stop me from finding a good man. I just had to find someone else.

Yep. I agree and thats what i got from the article when the author kept saying .. "it just hasnt happened yet" meaning finding that "fit"

 

[Bunny77]

Yep. I agree and thats what i got from the article when the author kept saying .. "it just hasnt happened yet" meaning finding that "fit"

Now... looking back on my dating life, there was one man who was interested and who I passed up for silly reasons (no sparks). We only went on one date and I decided this. He was someone who was looking for a serious relationship and he is now married with a son.

I know his cousin and I said to him a while ago, "I didn't do right with the J thing, but I'm glad he's happy." The cousin said, "Yeah, I know. I didn't do right with K either."

(K was one of my friends that he dated. She went on and married someone else too.)


So, in this case, I could hypothesize that one reason that I and J's cousin were still single was because we passed up two good people that could have been the right "fit." And that's why I still think that if we are single and don't want to be, we do have some control over that, and always did... who knows what could have happened if I had given J a fair chance?

It's all good, of course, because I met my guy, but I might have passed him up too if I hadn't learned from the "J" situation. I just know that if I was someone who was getting older and still wanted to marry, I wouldn't have wanted to look back and see that I possibly passed up a number of potentials along the way... and then say that other women who married were just "lucky," and it hadn't happened yet for me.

Maybe it could have, but I prevented it from happening...

 

[4cpleez]

Now... looking back on my dating life, there was one man who was interested and who I passed up for silly reasons (no sparks). We only went on one date and I decided this. He was someone who was looking for a serious relationship and he is now married with a son.

I know his cousin and I said to him a while ago, "I didn't do right with the J thing, but I'm glad he's happy." The cousin said, "Yeah, I know. I didn't do right with K either."

(K was one of my friends that he dated. She went on and married someone else too.)


So, in this case, I could hypothesize that one reason that I and J's cousin were still single was because we passed up two good people that could have been the right "fit." And that's why I still think that if we are single and don't want to be, we do have some control over that, and always did... who knows what could have happened if I had given J a fair chance?

It's all good, of course, because I met my guy, but I might have passed him up too if I hadn't learned from the "J" situation. I just know that if I was someone who was getting older and still wanted to marry, I wouldn't have wanted to look back and see that I possibly passed up a number of potentials along the way... and then say that other women who married were just "lucky," and it hadn't happened yet for me.

Maybe it could have, but I prevented it from happening...

So maybe the answer is to be Lucky to find the right "fit" and the Wisdom to know what to do with it

I know i passed up a couple of good men for silly reasons too .. i am hoping to be lucky enough to get a do-over...

 

[Bunny77]

So maybe the answer is to be Lucky to find the right "fit" and the Wisdom to know what to do with it

I know i passed up a couple of good men for silly reasons too .. i am hoping to be lucky enough to get a do-over...

I LIKE that statement!

We've all passed up some good ones... I'm sure you'll get that do-over chance!

(That's why I try to tell some of these 18-20 year-olds to not automatically pass up that quiet boy who is a good guy but just lacks whatever she thinks is "swag." You never know!!!)

 

[Renewed1]

Someone is ALWAYS going to be ready... it's up to the ready people to find each other! I've never believed that there was only one man out there that was fitted for me... so the fact that some men weren't ready for a serious relationship with me might have been annoying, but it didn't stop me from finding a good man. I just had to find someone else.

YES LORD!!!! I agree 1000%. I just told my friend that last night!!! God (or whomever or whatever you believe in) will give you CHOICES. Life is about CHOICES!! So why not start and walk on the path of finding that "Ready Man."

I'm ready to get married. I'm outside looking my best and letting it be known, I'm only looking for a "Ready Man." All others need not apply. My mentality is go out do things, let myself be seen, you NEVER know whom you are going to run into that wants you! It could be at a theatre, comedy club, grocery store....don't limit yourself.

 

[VelvetRain]

But like you said, if you change your mind, you know you will have to do something different to meet people. That's the point that the author, in my opinion, totally ignored. I don't think that long-term single people are single because they're flawed, but to say that they're single because other people got lucky totally ignores the possibility that the single person COULD put more effort into dating (if she wants to) and get the same result as the "lucky" person.

As usual Bunny you never fail as the voice of reason. This is exactly the plight I have found myself in. Always wanting more out of my life in terms of relationships but never really exerting myself to align myself to receive what I am desiring. While I admit I do have some flaws that I am trying to address and correct now( weight, self- esteem issues) but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I truly realized that I deserve to be in a happy and successful relationship as an end goal as I work on those flaws. It's really up to me to change my attitude and outlook. I can complain all I want about how noone wants me or I don't have what she has that is why I don't have a relationship. Doesn't mean anything if I am not proactive enough.

 

[blue_flower]

I don't care anymore. I'm just going to do what Halle did and find a baby's daddy. Screw it.

 

[ambergirl]

I liked the article but I disagree with the "just got lucky" statement for a whole different reason. Married women are not more desireable, luckier, better than single woman, or necessarily more proactive...they're just married. There are lots of reasons people get married, some good, some not.

Some people get married because they've been with some one so long it's either that or break up. Some people get married because they'll do anything to stop being single. Some people get married because they got pregnant and as a couple decided they didn't want to have a child out of wedlock. Some people get married because their partner can give them the life and status they want. Some people marry for love and compatibility.....and on and on and on. It always amuses me how hidden in these types of articles is this notion that marriage in and of itself is a successful outcome. Married is not equal to being happy, successful, healthy, or fulfilled...it's just married.