Spinoff: Why Are Black Men Not As Marriage Minded?
- Thread starter FemmeFatale
- Start date
Lisa
Well-Known Member
I think there are a number of reasons.
. Especially, when I haven't heard them say anything about abstinence, sexual immorality, or fornication but I have heard them mention alimony. 
erplexed
- They are afraid of divorce and having to pay alimony and child support (they don't want anyone taking half and then having to pay monthly on top of it)
- We are not raising men to be marriage minded and men in general only talk about the negative things involved in marriage.
- They can get the milk for free
. Especially, when I haven't heard them say anything about abstinence, sexual immorality, or fornication but I have heard them mention alimony. erplexed
RoseTintedCheeks
New Member
I think there are a number of reasons.
When I hear young (e.g. 30's) divorced ministers saying marriage is not for everyone I have to wonder what's happening in the world. After I've given them the side eye I start wondering why they are not preaching about fire and brimstone
- They are afraid of divorce and having to pay alimony and child support (they don't want anyone taking half and then having to pay monthly on top of it)
- We are not raising men to be marriage minded and men in general only talk about the negative things involved in marriage.
- They can get the milk for free
You're right. Marriage is a financial investment. And how many times has it been played out where the man and woman divorce, then she takes him for everything and then some too? When it comes to the whole independent thing, many women say one thing yet their actions show another.
Question: How are our men not being raised to be marriage minded when so many of our women who grow up in the same households are?
bludaydreamr
Well-Known Member
I think there are a number of reasons.
When I hear young (e.g. 30's) divorced ministers saying marriage is not for everyone I have to wonder what's happening in the world. After I've given them the side eye I start wondering why they are not preaching about fire and brimstone
- They are afraid of divorce and having to pay alimony and child support (they don't want anyone taking half and then having to pay monthly on top of it)
- We are not raising men to be marriage minded and men in general only talk about the negative things involved in marriage.
- They can get the milk for free
ITA. I have noticed especially with BM in their 20's, they have very little respect for marriage and view it as a trap, or something they don't want until their late 30's early 40's if ever.
I don't think that the women are so much more marriage minded than the men, if they were I think they would try to marry before having OOW children. I think the overall acceptance of having children OOW is the real reason why BM are more and more reluctant to marry (IMO Welfare had a lot to do with this). As many people have stated on this board, why would a man marry, if he can get all the benefits of marriage from their baby's mother without any legal attachment? Hell, I wouldn't get married either.
Men use to feel obligated to marry a woman he got pregnant, or got pressure from the families to marry the girl. The results may have been unhappy marriages and maybe divorces, but the importance of the Black family unit and the responsibility to build strong families and communities would have continued.
ambergirl So true. I've been considering starting a thread on this because there seems to be such a disconnect between the LHCF rhetoric about marriage and the real life view I"m given on a daily basis.
Please start the thread
I have not commented much on this matter I really just lurk most of the time. In real life, the some of the marriages I am seeing are a hot mess 
For example, a woman I know recently married seems to have married a man that is a crappy husband and father. When I speak with her, I get the sense that she feels well, 'at least I'm married' on the other hand she complains about the type of father he is, the way he treats her, and his lack of finances. I'm like, you knew all this when you married him, so why did you bother 
She always asks me if I want to get married again and I tell her I'm in no hurry considering the type of men out here nowadays. She is 40 and as soon as she married she became pregnant and has to work more than she did before she married. I would not want her life, I rather wait or never remarry. It's not that serious to me 
Windsy
New Member
Please start the thread
Sounds like it would be a great thread I'm just wondering if you'd get honest answers from the women that are married; I'm curious to hear their responses and not so much the ones that are not married or are shacking...
Lisa
Well-Known Member
I've heard slavery, incarceration, and welfare as reasons for the decline of marriage in the black community. My mother always blamed the women's lib movement. It's not that she didn't think we could do it she just did think we needed to tell him that we could do it . But back to the subject...there are no consequences for the man if he stays single. If he gets married he will have a wife and kid(s) to take care of.
I agree with the people who've said that we've done an awful job of raising our sons! And we are still doing an awful job! It runs the gambit from small things like opening the door or holding the door open for a woman to bigger things like taking responsibility for your child/children.
I'm going to be blunt... some women have had a hard life and they get jealous if another woman's life is easier than hers. I think sometimes they make sure that their sons don't do the right thing (by talking their sons out of it)
. But back to the subject...there are no consequences for the man if he stays single. If he gets married he will have a wife and kid(s) to take care of.I agree with the people who've said that we've done an awful job of raising our sons! And we are still doing an awful job! It runs the gambit from small things like opening the door or holding the door open for a woman to bigger things like taking responsibility for your child/children.
I'm going to be blunt... some women have had a hard life and they get jealous if another woman's life is easier than hers. I think sometimes they make sure that their sons don't do the right thing (by talking their sons out of it)
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I've heard slavery, incarceration, and welfare as reasons for the decline of marriage in the black community. My mother always blamed the women's lib movement. It's not that she didn't think we could do it she just did think we needed to tell him that we could do it
I agree with the people who've said that we've done an awful job of raising our sons! And we are still doing an awful job! It runs the gambit from small things like opening the door or holding the door open for a woman to bigger things like taking responsibility for your child/children.
I'm going to be blunt... some women have had a hard life and they get jealous if another woman's life is easier than hers. I think sometimes they make sure that their sons don't do the right thing (by talking their sons out of it)
I agree with your last few statements. I experienced this firsthand, an ex-boyfriend's mother was like this. She was mistreated in her marriage and put up with it for years.
It was as if she did not want me to be treated better than she was. I would have never put up with all the mess she did
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Yes another thread would be good. I had a friend that was warned not to marry her husband by many. But she refused to listen because she had to be married. Nearly every area of her life deteriorated after marrying him. Before she met him she was doing so well. People don't want to listen to married people because they say we don't understand. The thing is I am happy because of who I married not because I am married. It is preferable IMO to be single than to marry just any ol' body. The wrong man can bring so much misery to your life. My mother used to always say there are worse things than loneliness. Some women find this out the hard way.
*SkolarStar*
Well-Known Member
CHURCH!!!!
levette
Well-Known Member
Well said, why buy the cow?......free milk
princessnad
New Member
Black people tend to be less idealistic because of many of our realities. Entering into marriage, people tend to be really idealistic and there is just a lower proportion of that in the black community, IMO.
Poohbear
Fearfully Wonderfully Made
DaughterOfZion1
New Member
It's interesting to hear all this, because this is not an issue in the Nigerian community. At all. Is this only a problem in the African American community or does this affect the Jamaican, Trinidadian, and other dark skinned ethnic groups?
allmundjoi
New Member
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
at the timing of this.
StarScream35
Well-Known Member
I think it's a factor of things:
Desegregation~after Jim Crow was crushed, blacks started taking their focus off of their communities and put everything into assimilating into white society. So problems like identity issues, self esteem issues, abuse etc were ignored. You can't love each other when you don't love your culture and yourselves.
Women's Lib~We just had to show men we could behave like men and do everything they did didn't we? Bad idea!!! Men need to have defined roles and a big chunk of their role is providing and protecting their territory. Women's lib took this from them, particularly black men so they stepped back and let women had at it.
Welfare~No real big explanation needed here. If you tell me you are gonna help me but under one circumstance~~~that means having no man around, then guess what's gonna happen??? I'm gonna make sure no man is permanently around. Don't be messin with my money!!
Desegregation~after Jim Crow was crushed, blacks started taking their focus off of their communities and put everything into assimilating into white society. So problems like identity issues, self esteem issues, abuse etc were ignored. You can't love each other when you don't love your culture and yourselves.
Women's Lib~We just had to show men we could behave like men and do everything they did didn't we? Bad idea!!! Men need to have defined roles and a big chunk of their role is providing and protecting their territory. Women's lib took this from them, particularly black men so they stepped back and let women had at it.
Welfare~No real big explanation needed here. If you tell me you are gonna help me but under one circumstance~~~that means having no man around, then guess what's gonna happen??? I'm gonna make sure no man is permanently around. Don't be messin with my money!!
I don't think most western men are marriage minded these days tbh.
IMO they fall into these catergories
a) Guys who are traditional, dream of getting married and look forward to it
b) Guys who could take, or leave marriage, but will do it if its expected/if the woman wants it/societal pressure.
c) The guys that will marry if they absolutely have to after a lot of blood, sweat and tears
D) Guys that point blank don't believe in the concept and refuse to do it.
I don't meet many western type A men of any races, or socio economic class these days. Most white guys I know with money, or poor don't desire marriage. I think white and Asian women are generally more likely to ask and expect marriage, so it still works out for them. A lot of young black british women I know seem to feel lucky to have a half decent man and don't expect, or want to rock the boat by asking for more. Or else accept 6 year engagements that don't come to anythingerplexed
I don't think Black men are much less marriage minded than anyone else, just its easier to avoid it in the community.
ETA: I have noticed black british men are more likely to be marriage minded with white women in this country, but its prob for the reasons I said. Maybe lol.
IMO they fall into these catergories
a) Guys who are traditional, dream of getting married and look forward to it
b) Guys who could take, or leave marriage, but will do it if its expected/if the woman wants it/societal pressure.
c) The guys that will marry if they absolutely have to after a lot of blood, sweat and tears
D) Guys that point blank don't believe in the concept and refuse to do it.
I don't meet many western type A men of any races, or socio economic class these days. Most white guys I know with money, or poor don't desire marriage. I think white and Asian women are generally more likely to ask and expect marriage, so it still works out for them. A lot of young black british women I know seem to feel lucky to have a half decent man and don't expect, or want to rock the boat by asking for more. Or else accept 6 year engagements that don't come to anything
erplexedI don't think Black men are much less marriage minded than anyone else, just its easier to avoid it in the community.
ETA: I have noticed black british men are more likely to be marriage minded with white women in this country, but its prob for the reasons I said. Maybe lol.
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StarScream35
Well-Known Member
I don't think most western men are marriage minded these days tbh.
IMO they fall into these catergories
a) Guys who are traditional, dream of getting married and look forward to it
b) Guys who could take, or leave marriage, but will do it if its expected/if the woman wants it/societal pressure.
c) The guys that will marry if they absolutely have to after a lot of blood, sweat and tears
D) Guys that point blank don't believe in the concept and refuse to do it.
I don't meet many western type A men of any races, or socio economic class these days. Most white guys I know with money, or poor don't desire marriage. I think white and Asian women are generally more likely to ask and expect marriage, so it still works out for them. A lot of young black british women I know seem to feel lucky to have a half decent man and don't expect, or want to rock the boat by asking for more. Or else accept 6 year engagements that don't come to anything
I don't think Black men are much less marriage minded than anyone else, just its easier to avoid it in the community.
ETA: I have noticed black british men are more likely to be marriage minded with white women in this country, but its prob for the reasons I said. Maybe lol.
So as western black women, are we demanding marriage less than other women? So then what happens to the desire for marriage after black women get into relationships? Black women are just as marriage minded as our Asian, white, East Indian counterparts because I hear many many black women long for marriage but what happens when we get in relationships??? Do our men simply make excuses for not marrying or do we fear losing them if we ask for marriage? Something is definitely wrong here and it really is an epidemic in the black community. I'm inclined to think we have a serious self esteem issue.
Jas123
The Star of a Story
but yet these same men have no problems making babies?
MizAvalon
Well-Known Member
I don't think Black women are as marriage minded as they claim to be. If they were then they would make it their business to get married. Starting with only investing their time in marriage minded men only. Most are not doing that.
StarScream35
Well-Known Member
I think you are right. I think a great deal of black women truly are not marriage minded but why? What makes us so different than whites and Asians?
Kurlee
Well-Known Member
people make it sound so simple. So many women still do the right things and end up unmarried. It is what it is.
StarScream35
Well-Known Member
Kurlee
Spoken like a pro. I've have always said and will stand by my claim that dating for black women is extremely difficult even if they are following all the rules. My boyfriend is white and he even notices this. He even said he thinks it's sad that people often skip over black women for whites and Asians. Even Latinas are elevated above us. I was shocked to hear him say this because I didn't think a white guy would notice this. Interesting side note her: My boyfriend told me he has dated lots of black women and his parents give him all kinds of grief about it yet his brother dates nothing but Asian women and he said his parents have NEVER said a word to his brother about it. I was like dayum!!!
Spoken like a pro. I've have always said and will stand by my claim that dating for black women is extremely difficult even if they are following all the rules. My boyfriend is white and he even notices this. He even said he thinks it's sad that people often skip over black women for whites and Asians. Even Latinas are elevated above us. I was shocked to hear him say this because I didn't think a white guy would notice this. Interesting side note her: My boyfriend told me he has dated lots of black women and his parents give him all kinds of grief about it yet his brother dates nothing but Asian women and he said his parents have NEVER said a word to his brother about it. I was like dayum!!!
Kurlee
Well-Known Member
People tend to forget that if they have someone, that it is blessing and it's not because they are oh so special or smart. Like seriously, get over yourself. Until the attitude of a lot of black men changes, women can jump through 10,000 hoops and still end up alone.Upbringing. And growing numbers of whites are way less marriage minded than they used to be.
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