Spinoff: Why Are Black Men Not As Marriage Minded?

[VelvetRain]

I'm going to break it down for Yall. There is an abundance of whore and sluts. I'm talking about ones that will feed u, **** u and pay your light bill. Why do they do this? Just to get f*cked! Now with all this around..why would a black man settle down? They got all they need. Oh just to let you know, black men have a monopoly over women regardless of race. Black men now have a shot with any woman...and they are going for it. Honestly, if I was a blk man..i wouldn't get married either

I agree with this statement. The abundance of women who clearly don't respect themselves. What man marries a women who he doesn't respect? None I know. At some point you gotta stop blaming the men. Start reflecting on what your doing.

 

[FlowerHair]

I'm going to break it down for Yall. There is an abundance of whore and sluts. I'm talking about ones that will feed u, **** u and pay your light bill. Why do they do this? Just to get f*cked! Now with all this around..why would a black man settle down? They got all they need. Oh just to let you know, black men have a monopoly over women regardless of race. Black men now have a shot with any woman...and they are going for it. Honestly, if I was a blk man..i wouldn't get married either

LOL! That's wrong!
If one is a whore, one shouldn't have to pay for anything! Shouldn't they get paid!?

 

[FemmeFatale]

I agree with this statement. The abundance of women who clearly don't respect themselves. What man marries a women who he doesn't respect? None I know. At some point you gotta stop blaming the men. Start reflecting on what your doing.

VelvetRain that argument is almost ridiculous to me since there are TONS of sluts/whores of other races and their men still get married. It's not that I'm making an excuse because I do believe that women should respect themselves but look at the whorebags on Jersey Shore, their men (Italian men) STILL desire marriage and get married.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Thank you! No offense to anyone, but this is one of the reasons I give the serious side eye to island brothers as relationship material.

It's not just men not wanting to marry. A lot of women don't want what some of these men are willing to give. If getting married is your goal you can make it happen, the question is in the long run will you want what you get?

True some of them are cheaters but that's a different tangent for a different thread. One thing I do know is that with African and Caribbean men (on a macro level) is that marriage is expected (and for more reasons then just romantic love). Once you graduate college you get a few years to play and then it's time to find a wife, the families do not play that.

 

[yardyspice]

This is the only reason!!!

When a person from any other culture besides AA and West Indian hears that someone had a kid, they ask when the person got married.

Black men, whether they are marriage minded or not, are able to separate marriage from children so there's no rush to get married if you want to have a child or if you accidentally get someone pregnant. You don't have to have a child with "the one".

Because they pop off kids with no consequences at all, from anything or anyone.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Unfortunate truth

I'm going to break it down for Yall. There is an abundance of whore and sluts. I'm talking about ones that will feed u, **** u and pay your light bill. Why do they do this? Just to get f*cked! Now with all this around..why would a black man settle down? They got all they need. Oh just to let you know, black men have a monopoly over women regardless of race. Black men now have a shot with any woman...and they are going for it. Honestly, if I was a blk man..i wouldn't get married either

 

[Windsy]

I agree with this statement. The abundance of women who clearly don't respect themselves. What man marries a women who he doesn't respect? None I know. At some point you gotta stop blaming the men. Start reflecting on what your doing.

Nada......self respecting women aren't getting married either; hell, sometimes the whore and sluts get married before the self-respecting woman...

How can women get married IF men aren't married minded other than stepping outside their race? I agree with the self-respecting comment but reality is men aren't married minded and they aren't so for multiple reasons.....most men will ask you what is the benefit of getting married when you ask them why they aren't married.

 

[RegaLady]

Isn't that bolded statement the truth!! We have the best example for marriage that everyone can see: the President and First Lady Obama. Still, these brothers are not marriage minded. Why? Because they have no IMMEDIATE examples. Males in my family are marriage minded because they are raised that way. Even my cousins who fathers walked out on them. Uncles and older males of the family step to the plate to make sure they are being raised to respect and honor women so they will think of marriage. Yet, my family is Jamaican. Some people may think that makes a difference.

In the community there needs to be more examples of happily married couples. At my church they celebrate Black Marriage Day. Couples get prayed for during the service and in the atrium their wedding photos are up (that's one of my favorite sundays because it's so sweet ). More elements of the community need to aide in making black boys and men marriage minded because with so many living in and coming from single parent households the family can't do it alone.

SN: My mother is worried that I won't find a man to get married to. I'm 21.

To this whole post.

I too grew up in a family where the men were encouraged to marry and to stay married. They also stood up to the plate of being father figures where needed. It was/is a duty, no if and buts about it. I think if men had a network of other married men, happily married men, men who love their black women perhaps it would be harder for them to deter from those responsibilities. Dh made it his business to seperate from men who weren't taking care of home because he knew that birds of a feather flock together.

In other words having a network support system for men and marriage may be what BM need. Other black men(not women), need to hold these men accountable for the lack of marriage in our community. I think if other black men frowned upon the idea of leaving a family unsupported, or the black woman unsupported, then perhaps these men would begin to look in the mirror. But when a growing black man doesn't have that he continues to procreate outside of marriage and wouldn't bat an eye because there are no judgements or shame from other men in his circle.

 

[spelmanlocks]

Girl my mom works at an elementary school and she said that little white girls and white Latinas be on blk boys like they gold. Screw Jose and billy they checking for Tyrone! Where do you think they get it from?

That's funny when my DH was a middle school teacher he said it was the Tyrone's all over the little Spanish and white girls. He said there was this one Spanish girl in one of his classes at his majority black middle school and all the black boys harrassed her to no end.

 

[Nelli04]

I think its mainly the fact that marriage is not valued in our community, as others said. Too many men and women are okay with playing house...I also think some women are okay with settling with shacking up. So why get married? But whatever the reason may be, I just hate how black women always get the short end of the stick...we're the ones being written about in the media.

 

[Nelli04]

I also know a lot of white girls who go through the same BS when dealing with black guys...they'll have his baby, pay his bills, give him a place to stay...and he is a low life who uses his skills in manipulation and coloring to get what he wants....It's quite sad.
This isn't the case for all, but it is for a certain type of black dude

 

[ackee walk]

LOL! That's wrong!
If one is a whore, one shouldn't have to pay for anything! Shouldn't they get paid!?

lol, good point. i guess these would be the sluts, rather than the whores.

 

[mischka]

I also know a lot of white girls who go through the same BS when dealing with black guys...they'll have his baby, pay his bills, give him a place to stay...and he is a low life who uses his skills in manipulation and coloring to get what he wants....It's quite sad.
This isn't the case for all, but it is for a certain type of black dude

I notice the SuperSaveaBlackMans glossing over this fact

 

[ambergirl]

True some of them are cheaters but that's a different tangent for a different thread. One thing I do know is that with African and Caribbean men (on a macro level) is that marriage is expected (and for more reasons then just romantic love). Once you graduate college you get a few years to play and then it's time to find a wife, the families do not play that.

Again no offense intended but for some of us there are more important things then just being married. I do believe black men from other cultures are far more likely to marry, but it often comes with other expectations about women, marriage, family, fidelity, etc so American women need to bear that in mind.

 

[Theo]

I come from a Caribbean background and yes Caribbean men do get married....but.......

They are also excessive adulterers and most have been married at least twice.

I think we can all agree the marriage covenant is broken on a lot of levels and finding the right person to marry and understand what is takes to make a marriage survive is more important than just getting a bunch of ill-equiped people down the aisle.

This is true. From what I noticed in my own personal experience, there is this expectation to get married, but to have a happy and fulfilling marriage for both partners.... that's something completely different, and it is not emphasized.

From what I've seen, a lot of traditional African men from my country don't have a good sense of fidelity, chivalry, romance, or showing affection period . This isn't the case for everyone, in fact, my father is VERY different in most respects, but its a trend I noticed.

However, familial responsibility and marriage is HIGHLY valued. If you have a wife and child, its your responsibility as a man that your wife and children do not go without and that your child's education is paid for, without them having to go into debt.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

@mwedzi I think it's like @CarmelCupcake said during slavery it wasn't unusual for children to be separated from their fathers. They grew up that way and thus the cycle started.

Sent from my PC36100 using PC36100

I disagree. This 'cycle' didn't start until the 1970s, after integration. Statistics show that in 1960 OOW births in the black community were at an all time low at 23% or around that level. A decade later it was around 30%. In 1960 it was still high compared to whites, which was in single digits but in the 1970s with the Sexual Revolution etc. divorce and OOWs became more acceptable so OOWs for all races started to rise.

 

[Kurlee]

True some of them are cheaters but that's a different tangent for a different thread. One thing I do know is that with African and Caribbean men (on a macro level) is that marriage is expected (and for more reasons then just romantic love). Once you graduate college you get a few years to play and then it's time to find a wife, the families do not play that.

where are people getting the idea that caribbean men are more marriage minded?

 

[Kurlee]

Nada......self respecting women aren't getting married either; hell, sometimes the whore and sluts get married before the self-respecting woman...

How can women get married IF men aren't married minded other than stepping outside their race? I agree with the self-respecting comment but reality is men aren't married minded and they aren't so for multiple reasons.....most men will ask you what is the benefit of getting married when you ask them why they aren't married.

speak the truth and shame the devil

 

[Kurlee]

Thank you! No offense to anyone, but this is one of the reasons I give the serious side eye to island brothers as relationship material.

It's not just men not wanting to marry. A lot of women don't want what some of these men are willing to give. If getting married is your goal you can make it happen, the question is in the long run will you want what you get?

 

[FemmeFatale]

where are people getting the idea that caribbean men are more marriage minded?

I'm Haitian, that's how I know

 

[FemmeFatale]

Again no offense intended but for some of us there are more important things then just being married. I do believe black men from other cultures are far more likely to marry, but it often comes with other expectations about women, marriage, family, fidelity, etc so American women need to bear that in mind.

I'm not sure what this may have to do with this thread (or the relationship section itself) when the topic is clearly about marriage and those that desire it.

Also marriage isn't just about romantic love.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Many AMERICAN BM not being marriage minded is only a fraction of the problems plaguing the black community. Perhaps if those other issues are changed for the better, BM's will be more inclinded to marry.

 

[princessnad]

This is the only reason!!!

When a person from any other culture besides AA and West Indian hears that someone had a kid, they ask when the person got married.

Black men, whether they are marriage minded or not, are able to separate marriage from children so there's no rush to get married if you want to have a child or if you accidentally get someone pregnant. You don't have to have a child with "the one".

I guess the question is: why is that?


I think that in times past, a lot of it stemmed from not feeling like "true" men... leaders, heads of households etc.

I know some people view black men as the most "masculine" men, but I think even bm realize that their relative lack of being able to provide for (at least relative to the amount that their potential spouse, bw, can bring to the table) makes them feel like less of a provider/ protector and less likely to want to get married.

As much as these men complain about gold-diggers and not being captain-save-a-hoe, I think the natural instinct is for a man to want to provide and protect and when they know they can't really do that (financially, physically, emotionally or otherwise), they shy away from marriage.

Because of historical reasons, the black community has really blurred gender roles. As much as many of us don't support feminism, our women:man earning ratio is waaay above other races, we are seen as emotionally strong, we have to be stable for our families etc. Where does that leave room for husbands?

I am not blaming bw, I know we had to be strong out of necessity. I'm just saying that this merging of gender roles may make men less inclined to want to get married and assume the role of head of household, knowing he will never fully fit the role.

All that was passed down to where now, it has just become a cultural norm that bm don't have to get married.

 

[Kurlee]

I'm Haitian, that's how I know

maybe haitian men are interested in marriage, but I don't see this in Bajan, Jamaican, Guyanese and Trinidadian men. Some do, but many just spread seed or marry to get their papers

 

[Maracujá]

Like Mwedzi said it's very important that we get to the root of the issue b/c like some other members have mentioned: other races are dealing with the same issues but they are still getting married. Oh black women are giving up the milk so why would the men wanna buy the cow? Hello, I read today that Kate and Prince William have been together since 2001 and only got hitched now, basically they were together for a decade with no ring on it but he eventually married her even though she did exactly what we on this site are advised not to do. Oh black men have no immediate example, and I get that, but neither did Barack Obama who grew up with his white mama and grandparents and he still got married. IMHO black men tend to be superficial and immature, let's just compare with the white counterparts for the sake of it: Ryan Phillippe and David Beckham both got married and had children at the height of their career (while they were young I might add), can you name one black man who did that? No, they think they're gonna remain young forever. Just look at Tyler Perry, the man is 40 years old and rich and is glad that his gf doesn't pressure him to get married, like forreal?!

 

[ambergirl]

I'm not sure what this may have to do with this thread (or the relationship section itself) when the topic is clearly about marriage and those that desire it.

Also marriage isn't just about romantic love.

It's relevant because the assumption in some of the posts is that marriage to anyone is better than not being married and sometimes that's not the case. For some romantic love is a big part of the equation and for others it's not. Just depends on what you want in a marriage.

 

[Carrie A]

But a cycle does have a beginning. Single parent families are more common now than they were, say, 40 years ago. So what changed? At what point did marriage began to be perceived as having no benefits, because I don't think it was always that way. I think the premise that it's been this way since time immemorial just because and so the triggers or root causes are inscrutable is flawed.

I wonder if there is any research about the role incarceration has played in this epidemic. In the seventies and eighties is when you started seeing skyrocketing numbers of men, mostly Black incarcerated. They enter the penal system early without any chance of rehabilitation- which starts a cycle of broken families, underemployment , upon returning to the community etc. I believe the US has the highest incarceration rate in the world - is that true. Surely this has played a role in the destabilization of AA community, and by default marriage.

 

[mischka]

I wonder if there is any research about the role incarceration has played in this epidemic. In the seventies and eighties is when you started seeing skyrocketing numbers of men, mostly Black incarcerated. They enter the penal system early without any chance of rehabilitation- which starts a cycle of broken families, underemployment , upon returning to the community etc. I believe the US has the highest incarceration rate in the world - is that true. Surely this has played a role in the destabilization of AA community, and by default marriage.

Oh, it definitely plays a huge role. It's basically slavery under a different name the way criminals no longer have rights in this country (check out The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander).

 

[Christina Dior]

A lot of black men think like this "I dont fear nothing but god and weddings" via lil wayne

 

[derbygurl]

I believe it started with welfare. Like other posters have mentioned when men were unable to provide it forced women to seek welfare. Welfare requirements state a man can not be in the home. So you started seeing a trend of single black mothers, because the woman knows that being married ends the foodstamps, the section 8, the daycare voucher. And even if the man wants to be married if the two incomes together still put them below poverty then what benefitt does that couple have to be married. They come out better shacking, lying to the system and still qualifying for assistance. In my community I see it all the time, that's why its hard to just look at statistics. I know couples who would love to get married but can't, why because he caught a case for seeling a little weed, now its pretty much impossible to get a good job. Since he can't get aa job or working min wage, his bm needs to apply for asst and has to lye about him being around to keep her house on section8 and her foodstamps and medical card. Until he can get on his feet there is no need for marriage. The moment she gets married she has nothing. So she plays wifey, without the ring. It then becomes a cycle. See a lot of ww have the benefit of parents who can give the new couple a jumpstart so they aren't struggling, parents have saved up for education, wedding, first home down payment.