Spinoff: Why Are Black Men Not As Marriage Minded?
- Thread starter FemmeFatale
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mischka
shrinkage.
I'm finna bus this out for summa yall
Black men is a huge group of people, this includes African men and that also includes carribbean men, and there is no shortage of marriage in our immigrant communities, so please miss me with the blanket "Black men" stuff please. Dont condemn all people with African ancestry because that is really oversimplifying. Also divorce rates decline as education and income increase so it really varies by circumstance.
Stop focusing on negativity and giving power to what you don't want and focus on what you do.
Honestly, it all has to do with how a woman carries herself and what standards she holds dear. We didn't end up with the fatherlessness epidemic without the willing participation of women willing to settle.
I don't think Black Men are less marriage minded, I just think it won't be on their minds until they find a woman of marriageable caliber, and it damn sure won't be on their list of priorities if you're giving him all the benefits with none of the commitment/ sacrifices or compromises. Its human nature to create incentive, if you eliminate that, then there is no motivation.
In order for things to turn around for the AA community there has to be a concerted effort to do better by both sexes.
LOL
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LOL.
LadyPaniolo
New Member
It is Sunday.
CarmelCupcake
Well-Known Member
I think the biggest reason is because children tend to follow their parents foot steps. Seeing how 72% of black children are born out of wedlock, there are a whole lot of single mother households. As a result, our males do not see their fathers marrying their mothers. Many of them think, "well my dad didn't marry my mom so i don't need to get married and be a husband." I was talking to my mother about this issue and she said that she thinks this problem might stem from slavery, since black families were torn apart and sold off and what not.
Theo
New Member
BlackMasterPiece--- Are you saying that black women (in general) are some how less marriageable than women of other races? And if so, what makes you think that?
How did this cultural difference come about, you think?
How did it come to be that there are more single parent households in our community to start such a cycle?
How did it come to be that they are being taught this?
The hooking up part is totally true, but the rates for being willing to have children without marriage are a little different. It is a trend that's increasing in all of America, though.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
This is it in a nutshell. I can't help but notice the women who place blame on men for not being marriage minded all seem to share certain characteristics.
Marriage is for women to earn and keep whether we accept that or not. Go hard or go home... ALONE.
I don't understand your post at all. Are you saying the women who complain simply do not have the qualities marriage-minded men seek and/or do not take the necessary steps and actions to "earn" being in a marriage? I can't tell if you are being serious or sarcastic. If you are serious please supply more information, suggestions, details, etc.
nappystorm
Well-Known Member
nappystorm
Well-Known Member
I know alot of black men that say that they are marriage minded but their actions speak to the contrary...chronic texting instead of calling, inconsistency, making his boys, work, etc his priority over his relationship, seeking unavailable or undesirable women (quains), "hooking up" instead of actually dating, breaking up with decent women because her hair blew to the right instead of the left...then cry to everyone who will listen that he's marriage minded but there are no suitable women 
to cover up the fact that he's just a kang.
Don't drink the Kool-Aid, if he wants to get married, he will.
to cover up the fact that he's just a kang.Don't drink the Kool-Aid, if he wants to get married, he will.
mischka
shrinkage.
The thing I find really retarded with the argument that it's black women that's the problem is why these same men knock up white women and don't marry them either I mean, if it was just black women surely he would jump at the chance to put a ring on Cindy Lou's finger. At what point is it the man's fault without always looking at every other possible scapegoat?
I mean, if it was just black women surely he would jump at the chance to put a ring on Cindy Lou's finger. At what point is it the man's fault without always looking at every other possible scapegoat?Twinspired
New Member
mwedzi I think it's like CarmelCupcake said during slavery it wasn't unusual for children to be separated from their fathers. They grew up that way and thus the cycle started. One of my college educated black male friends said the same thing to me a while ago. He's very marriage minded. Looking for his wife as I type but his parents have been married for decades.
Regardless of what anyone says we are a product of our environment. Yes, we can overcome the bad but its not easy and everyone wouldn't succeed.
Sent from my PC36100 using PC36100
Regardless of what anyone says we are a product of our environment. Yes, we can overcome the bad but its not easy and everyone wouldn't succeed.
Sent from my PC36100 using PC36100
Keshieshimmer
Active Member
Both excellent points. How did the single parent household become acceptable?
I am a product of a single parent household. How did that happen? My father decided that he didn't want to marry my mom and married someone else. However I value marriage and want to be in one, even though I have not been around happy long-lived marriages.
Not sure why men are different.
RoseTintedCheeks
New Member
This is it in a nutshell. I can't help but notice the women who place blame on men for not being marriage minded all seem to share certain characteristics.
Marriage is for women to earn and keep whether we accept that or not. Go hard or go home... ALONE.
I'm talking about the women who stay in 4 years or + relationships give the man all the benefits of him being her husband when he is only a boyfriend or live-in, complain about him not marrying her, then continue to stay. He pulls out the "Marriage is just a piece of paper line" and goes on like he always has. He doesn't want to marry her because he doesn't have to. He's getting his so why change things?
I think, overall, women tend to think of marriage like men think of sex. Not really, but it's the best comparison I can think of right now.
Men don't have to be talked into having sex with a woman he finds highly attractive the same way a woman doesn't have to be talked into marriage with the man she loves.
Men earn sex by meeting each woman's expectations, so women earn marriage by meeting her man's expectations he has for his future wife.
nappystorm
Well-Known Member
RoseTintedCheeks Thank you for responding. I agree with the bolded.
I hate the term "Player". Being a player is socially acceptable. Many men in other races have women giving up the goodies but they still marry and take responsibility. It is a cultural thing. AA culture has taught our men that is OK to only care about paper and yourself (and your boys). Women and their children are the least of your concern. I hate to say it but I hate that aspect of the AA culture and music (G's up/H's down). It is pervasive in our music, churches, and movies. Men are told they are Gods and expect the best for nothing.
We esteem men with money not character in our community. So Obama=Jay Z= Snoop.
They are all the same. Ex Pimp in our community becomes a TV star and starts a center to help boys! What can these guys teach boys! Really!
We esteem men with money not character in our community. So Obama=Jay Z= Snoop.
They are all the same. Ex Pimp in our community becomes a TV star and starts a center to help boys! What can these guys teach boys! Really!
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BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
Hell, they don't even have to do that anymore. Chicks is so busy trying to out porn the next woman because "what you won't do another will" has ph^ked up the game.
BlackMasterPiece
Well-Known Member
WOW that is definitely not what I was saying AT ALL!
There are marriageable black women all over. What I'm saying is, we can't point the finger at the black man without pointing it back at ourselves, its not as simple as, why are black men less marriage minded, women have quite a bit of blame in this too due to not prioritizing formal commitment and giving him all the benefits. But as I said, I don't think its healthy to put a laser focus on lack, focus on abundance, hang out at the local library or museum, seek higher education, run in certain circles, behave/carry yourself in a certain manner, and you'll realize there are quite a few outstanding Black men. Thats what I meant.
FemmeFatale
Well-Known Member
This is spot on!
FemmeFatale
Well-Known Member
Okay so there are a few mentions of us giving them the benefits of marriage without the formal commitment. In your opinion, what would fall under the umbrella of benefits of marriage? I'll give you my list:
Living together
Having unprotected sex
Having his child
Cooking and cleaning for him
Staying with him for years on out
Sharing a bank account with him
Living together
Having unprotected sex
Having his child
Cooking and cleaning for him
Staying with him for years on out
Sharing a bank account with him
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
I know alot of black men that say that they are marriage minded but their actions speak to the contrary...chronic texting instead of calling, inconsistency, making his boys, work, etc his priority over his relationship, seeking unavailable or undesirable women (quains), "hooking up" instead of actually dating, breaking up with decent women because her hair blew to the right instead of the left...then cry to everyone who will listen that he's marriage minded but there are no suitable women
Don't drink the Kool-Aid, if he wants to get married, he will.
to all of this.
RoseTintedCheeks
New Member
Exactly. That's why I think it's so important for women to respect one another. What one woman does can reflect poorly on all of us.
CoilyFields
Well-Known Member
This list is what it boils down to. But the funny thing is...ww do it too! The only difference is their men marry them (and perhaps they dont have as many oow kids).
The biggest problem is that AA men are not taught to marry. Period.
Most are not surrounded by married folks, dont have fathers teaching and showing them how to take care of a family, see no value in marriage etc. It may have very well stemmed from slavery but it is now supported by their environments. "Wifey" has become acceptable, as well as the "forever fiance" (you know the one where He's just her boyfriend but since they've been together for so long and got 3 kids together she decides to call him her fiance...to other people).
In other cultures men are expected to get married and are taught the value thereof. How many times have we heard the studies showing us that children need high expectations set or else they most times only settle for a lower standard? BM are "growing up" ina culture where they assume they will have a "baby momma" rather than a wife. And It cannot be just ONE BW trying to set a standard...it has to be the entire community!
MizAvalon
Well-Known Member
There was a similar thread about 6 months ago. Here are my responses from that one:
The answer is simple. Marriage is not valued in the black American community, period. Other race men are raised knowing that marriage and family are a part of the grown up package and they behave accordingly. Once they reach a certain age, they seek out a marriageable woman and marry her. Black men don't do that because they are not shamed or shunned for creating illegitimate families or still acting like a man-child at 44 years old.
Get married for what? They can still have a loyal woman, children, regular sex, etc. All of the things that married men get but with no moral or legal responsibilities. Oh, and this is nothing new. The black American family has been broken for at least 40 years.
*MY SECOND POST IN THE SAME THREAD*:
Oh, and I am tired of women being blamed for the behavior of these men. Black women were raised in the same dysfunctional black community as these men that we are talking about. They don't know what a healthy, functional relationship looks like any more than these men do yet they are always the ones blamed for men acting a fool. How is her fault when she's just as in the dark as the man is?
The ENTIRE community is broken.
The answer is simple. Marriage is not valued in the black American community, period. Other race men are raised knowing that marriage and family are a part of the grown up package and they behave accordingly. Once they reach a certain age, they seek out a marriageable woman and marry her. Black men don't do that because they are not shamed or shunned for creating illegitimate families or still acting like a man-child at 44 years old.
Get married for what? They can still have a loyal woman, children, regular sex, etc. All of the things that married men get but with no moral or legal responsibilities. Oh, and this is nothing new. The black American family has been broken for at least 40 years.
*MY SECOND POST IN THE SAME THREAD*:
Oh, and I am tired of women being blamed for the behavior of these men. Black women were raised in the same dysfunctional black community as these men that we are talking about. They don't know what a healthy, functional relationship looks like any more than these men do yet they are always the ones blamed for men acting a fool. How is her fault when she's just as in the dark as the man is?
The ENTIRE community is broken.
Glamorous_chic
Well-Known Member
What I'm saying is, we can't point the finger at the black man without pointing it back at ourselves, its not as simple as, why are black men less marriage minded, women have quite a bit of blame in this too due to not prioritizing formal commitment and giving him all the benefits. But as I said, I don't think its healthy to put a laser focus on lack, focus on abundance, hang out at the local library or museum, seek higher education, run in certain circles, behave/carry yourself in a certain manner, and you'll realize there are quite a few outstanding Black men. Thats what I meant.
its funny, because i do all of that, and the men in these circles are still dogs. lmao. they are just highly educated dogs. they are nice people, and very intelligent, but just horrible at relationships. lol. I do think that eventually they will get married, and won't end up having 3-4 oow kids by different mothers, just that they will be the ones to make you wait 6-8 years. i know two in particular, finally proposed to their girlfriend after she had his 2nd child.
its funny because i was talking to a friend of mine about this same subject. looking around my department, the sequince is as soon as your graduate with your degree, you get married a few months later, and start your family. mostly all of the students that are rotating through are mostly all engaged. a few that actually worked here, got married this summer right after graduation. of the blacks in our department, most of us women are single, the only male we have waited 7 years before finally proposing. All of my caucasion co-workers though are married, and were married right after graduation. even looking at my college friends, most of the guys waited a long while before getting married of those that did. the rest, just want to run the streets. its sad.
BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
NaijaTroll
New Member
Reminds of the Teen Mom episode when Isiah's family was so mad for marrying his gf who was pregnant with their son
All of them talking about "whatchu wanna do that for" "just cos she's pregnanbt" what does it matter blah blah"..so embarrassing
Yet you compare their reaction to the couple with the twins and how everyone was happy about the upcoming wedding..just so sad
All of them talking about "whatchu wanna do that for" "just cos she's pregnanbt" what does it matter blah blah"..so embarrassing
Yet you compare their reaction to the couple with the twins and how everyone was happy about the upcoming wedding..just so sad
BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
I know your going to bring up slavery and all. And though I understand this culture has roots, (I may be stoned for this) but it does not sit well with me to CONTINUE to blame slavery and post-slavery welfare systems for the MENTALITY of the men today.
I grow up in the hood. I understand whats available to our people and it is an individual choice to work toward a better life or not. If I had access to education and internet and libraries that helped me learn and grow, everyone else on my block had the same access. But it is an individual choice to accept or reject. Everyone is different.
The values and state of mind of our community TODAY is not that of yester-years. Not even close. Our ancestors did what they did to survive and think of the next generations. Today, is surviving but not on the same level. We do not collectively think of the next generation.
Because TODAY, you can have two parents in the house and collect welfare. TODAY, there's not much stopping a man from taking care of his family expect himself or unemployment . The 'system' is designed to deal harshly with fathers that run away from there responsibilities as a matter a fact. So yeah, we can blame slavery but when will we as a community stop looking at the origins and start focusing on current state of mind of our people to find solutions?
DirtyJerzeyGirly
Well-Known Member
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