FemmeFatale
Well-Known Member
In your opinion why do you think black men (on a macro level) aren't as marriage minded as men of other races?
Spinoff: Why Are Black Men Not As Marriage Minded?
- Thread starter FemmeFatale
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FemmeFatale
Well-Known Member
So you believe that it's the bw fault even though women of other races "hook up" with their men at the same rate and their men still desire marriage..?
BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
^^^This is a problem from all women of all races, not just black women.
FemmeFatale
Well-Known Member
It is, but why is our group affected the most?
BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
Culturally, our men are not encouraged to marry young or at all for that matter. After talking to other men of other cultures and races, marriage is expected, encouraged, and a great portion marry at a fairly decent age.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Because BW aren't demanding it. Too many real life Lauryn Hill's walking around. Happy to pop out 50-11 kids by some dude without any real committment.
And a lot of Black men simply aren't being raised to be marriage minded.
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mischka
shrinkage.
That's true but I think there are a million things that factor into this that make it less black and white. For example I think it's more important that they/we aren't being taught to value marriage in this culture, so not having to commit is just a byproduct of a larger issue.
Idk, maybe its my social circle/family and the fact that I'm from the deep South, but all the black men I know on a personal level are marriage minded. I honestly can't really think of one that I know who is not. Actually, yeah I can think of a few distant shady cousins with multiple baby momma's and such but honestly I don't particularly associate with them so I just chalk it up to them being trifling; other aspects of their lives are trifling and that aspect is no different. But the men I know personally who are decent and/or successful are married or looking to be married in the next few years.
Twinspired
New Member
I think its bc there are more single parent households in our community. I think its a cycle where you didn't grow up knowing what marriage and family are truly about so you don't get married or value family then your kids don't.
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HollyGolightly
Well-Known Member
I think it's also because of Black male unemployment. A man who can't support a family is far less likely to marry.
DeepBluSea
Well-Known Member
I know quite a few "good" men who aren't settled down. First, they have more fish in their sea so to speak. Go to any HBCU and look around at the ratios of men to women. Men know that college educated, black male with a job and no jail record is highly sought after. You got women jumping through hoops: keeping up their appearance, playing house, laying in down in the kitchen and bedroom and the man still takes his sweet time asking her to be his wife. Contrary to popular belief, I knew a lot of ladies in college who were about their books and finding a mate. The brothers just weren't ready.
I saw the same scenario play out in grad school. Except by then, the brothers' head had gotten bigger because he was about to be a doctor, dentist, lawyer. They were concerned about "gold diggers" by then. A lot of men cannot bear to think about sharing their finances with a woman. (and vice versa for that matter)
I also agree that SOME of it is due to single motherhood in the black community. SOME of these moms are a trip. They don't want to see their sons to get married because they want the son to take care of them. If you get married, buy another woman a house and take care of her, THEN what's going to happen to me. I took care of you by myself, worked 2 jobs, etc while your sorry-a daddy was gone, therefore you owe me! I have seen SOME single mothers sabotage their daughters the same way.
Basically, What JFemme said :They had more options and they exercise them.
I saw the same scenario play out in grad school. Except by then, the brothers' head had gotten bigger because he was about to be a doctor, dentist, lawyer. They were concerned about "gold diggers" by then. A lot of men cannot bear to think about sharing their finances with a woman. (and vice versa for that matter)
I also agree that SOME of it is due to single motherhood in the black community. SOME of these moms are a trip. They don't want to see their sons to get married because they want the son to take care of them. If you get married, buy another woman a house and take care of her, THEN what's going to happen to me. I took care of you by myself, worked 2 jobs, etc while your sorry-a daddy was gone, therefore you owe me! I have seen SOME single mothers sabotage their daughters the same way.
Basically, What JFemme said :They had more options and they exercise them.
mischka
shrinkage.
Just throwing it out there, when I mentioned popping out random kids I didn't intend for the consequences of that to go on women. I meant that the general purpose (or one of them anyway) of marriage is to have children and raise them together in a family, and black men obviously aren't interested in that, so there's another point for marriage out the window.
FemmeFatale
Well-Known Member
Can you expound on this please? Because men of other races have options as well and marriage is still a goal for them.
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
RoseTintedCheeks
New Member
This is it in a nutshell. I can't help but notice the women who place blame on men for not being marriage minded all seem to share certain characteristics.
Marriage is for women to earn and keep whether we accept that or not. Go hard or go home... ALONE.
SvelteVelvet
Well-Known Member
On a macro level I think it's American cultural conditioning and the absence of so many of their fathers. In my view black men with absent father/husband figures seem to be the group most impressionable when it comes to programming influence (tv/media/music/internet). It produces a lot of ego-centered sheep who don't really even know how to be husbands, let alone see the benefit of marriage.
Black men I know who are/were marriage minded either had a strong example in their immediate surroundings growing up, whether it was their married parents, grandparents or aunt & uncle. A marriage that made them say "Hey, when I grow up, I want to have what they have". And/or they are/were in touch with their spirituality and had a solid individualistic identity, above the influence of programming and their peers.
Black men I know who are/were marriage minded either had a strong example in their immediate surroundings growing up, whether it was their married parents, grandparents or aunt & uncle. A marriage that made them say "Hey, when I grow up, I want to have what they have". And/or they are/were in touch with their spirituality and had a solid individualistic identity, above the influence of programming and their peers.
mischka
shrinkage.
This is it in a nutshell. I can't help but notice the women who place blame on men for not being marriage minded all seem to share certain characteristics.
Marriage is for women to earn and keep whether we accept that or not. Go hard or go home... ALONE.
That's convenient.
BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
This is it in a nutshell. I can't help but notice the women who place blame on men for not being marriage minded all seem to share certain characteristics.
Marriage is for women to earn and keep whether we accept that or not. Go hard or go home... ALONE.
I disagree with this on soooo many levels. This is a women problem and yet men of other races marry in larger amounts and at younger ages (and a great portion without children prior to marrying).
Our men are not taught to expect marriage, value the benefits of marriage, or to desire one-woman. Our men (by large) are taught to embrace bachelor life. Get money, get cars, get big house, get women, make babies...
They are thought that marriage isn't worth it, marriage makes you corny, marriage isn't fun, marriage is only suffering...
When was the last time you heard a song on the radio by a black male artist about having a wife and loving her? Its been at least a decade.
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Theo
New Member
This is it in a nutshell. I can't help but notice the women who place blame on men for not being marriage minded all seem to share certain characteristics.
Marriage is for women to earn and keep whether we accept that or not. Go hard or go home... ALONE.
Please expound.
What are these certain characteristics?
FemmeFatale
Well-Known Member
This is it in a nutshell. I can't help but notice the women who place blame on men for not being marriage minded all seem to share certain characteristics.
Marriage is for women to earn and keep whether we accept that or not. Go hard or go home... ALONE.
Really? And what are these characteristics? Please expound.
This doesn't makes sense when MEN OF OTHER RACES are marrying, even other black men within the subdivision desire marriage and are very straight forward about that, so what are you saying?
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FemmeFatale
Well-Known Member
BlackMasterPiece
Well-Known Member
I'm finna bus this out for summa yall 
Black men is a huge group of people, this includes African men and that also includes carribbean men, and there is no shortage of marriage in our immigrant communities, so please miss me with the blanket "Black men" stuff please. Dont condemn all people with African ancestry because that is really oversimplifying. Also divorce rates decline as education and income increase so it really varies by circumstance.
Stop focusing on negativity and giving power to what you don't want and focus on what you do.
Honestly, it all has to do with how a woman carries herself and what standards she holds dear. We didn't end up with the fatherlessness epidemic without the willing participation of women willing to settle.
I don't think Black Men are less marriage minded, I just think it won't be on their minds until they find a woman of marriageable caliber, and it damn sure won't be on their list of priorities if you're giving him all the benefits with none of the commitment/ sacrifices or compromises. Its human nature to create incentive, if you eliminate that, then there is no motivation.
In order for things to turn around for the AA community there has to be a concerted effort to do better by both sexes.
Black men is a huge group of people, this includes African men and that also includes carribbean men, and there is no shortage of marriage in our immigrant communities, so please miss me with the blanket "Black men" stuff please. Dont condemn all people with African ancestry because that is really oversimplifying. Also divorce rates decline as education and income increase so it really varies by circumstance.
Stop focusing on negativity and giving power to what you don't want and focus on what you do.
Honestly, it all has to do with how a woman carries herself and what standards she holds dear. We didn't end up with the fatherlessness epidemic without the willing participation of women willing to settle.
I don't think Black Men are less marriage minded, I just think it won't be on their minds until they find a woman of marriageable caliber, and it damn sure won't be on their list of priorities if you're giving him all the benefits with none of the commitment/ sacrifices or compromises. Its human nature to create incentive, if you eliminate that, then there is no motivation.
In order for things to turn around for the AA community there has to be a concerted effort to do better by both sexes.
SvelteVelvet
Well-Known Member
BlackMasterPiece, you proclaim that there must be a concerted effort by both sexes yet the majority of your post is directed at claiming there is a lack of marriageable women.
Are you trying to say that all a black man needs to do is come across a marriageable woman and all of sudden he will become marriage minded? Really? Is it that simple in the bubble world you live in? GMAFB!!!
From what I see women of allll races are making it easy for black men to settle becoming baby daddy's and lifelong bachelors if you want to look at it that way, but nobody is holding a gun to these mens heads. More black men make the choice for that lifestyle than actually desiring to fill the role of husband to one woman.
A man who desires to be a husband, will make choices to become a husband. Just like a woman who desires to be a wife makes choices to become a wife. Not enough men desire it for the amount of women that are ready for it.
That is not focusing on the negative, it is examining reality. The reality outside of your bubble world.
Are you trying to say that all a black man needs to do is come across a marriageable woman and all of sudden he will become marriage minded? Really? Is it that simple in the bubble world you live in? GMAFB!!!
From what I see women of allll races are making it easy for black men to settle becoming baby daddy's and lifelong bachelors if you want to look at it that way, but nobody is holding a gun to these mens heads. More black men make the choice for that lifestyle than actually desiring to fill the role of husband to one woman.
A man who desires to be a husband, will make choices to become a husband. Just like a woman who desires to be a wife makes choices to become a wife. Not enough men desire it for the amount of women that are ready for it.
That is not focusing on the negative, it is examining reality. The reality outside of your bubble world.
Renewed1
Well-Known Member
This statement is the TRUTH!!! Everyone can analyze the whys, etc. but it really boils down to the above bold statement. My brother now in his early 30s has always been marriage minded, but now he is looking for a wife. He is getting himself together for his wife. He left the heauxs and negative male influences alone.
Additionally, I feel if a person wants to change, DESPITE of not having the "home training"; they will make the effort necessary to change. Once you become aware of your flaws/thoughts, it's up to you to change it.
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