Spinoff of a spinoff: Do you find that black women are not marriage minded?

[Maracujá]

This is a spinoff of a spinoff entitled 'Why are black men not as marriage minded?'. MizAvalon's post in particular made me ponder, here it is:

I don't think Black women are as marriage minded as they claim to be. If they were then they would make it their business to get married. Starting with only investing their time in marriage minded men only. Most are not doing that.

My sister who's been with her DH for a decade has made the same statement and at the time I sorta dismissed it but as I look around me and notice certain scenarios, I can't keep ignoring it. Let's discuss it, do you find that black women are not as marriage minded? And if so, why is that?

 

[Blyss_curls]

Wait......what? erplexed
Is this an effort to discuss something? Or yet another thread intent on bashing black women's choices?

Either way, I personally can't speak for ALL black women. No one can.
Just look at this board. We rarely all agree about any single issue--so why would we be a monolith in terms of "a marriage mindset"...whatever the heck that is?

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

I think what she was trying to say is that [some] black women's voiced desires to be married frequently do not line up with their behaviors. One might presume this based upon their selection of men that are "bad boys" as I read in another thread or who have charisma but lack good husband-material characteristics in general. One might also question why women who know they have fallen into relationship purgatory but desire to get married, continue to hold out for a ring years and years later without even the promise of one (from the "suitor").

I don't mean to speak for MizAvalon but that is what I glean from her post which I have not read in context.

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

Here's a good example: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=651683

 

[kandake]

^^^...

 

[cyrealla]

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

^^^...

Why the SMH? She admitted that she was contemplating the bad boy over the guy that was good to her. She is the one that titled the thread.

But, if anyone finds that offensive, I will delete the post.

 

[moda]

Unfortunately many black women are not marriage minded.

I was far from being marriage minded and much of that had to do with how I was raised. All I can say is my daughter will never ever be told some of the crap I was told

 

[Blyss_curls]

Maybe op should or could attempt to read more, away from this board. As this activity is not relegated to black women--by any means.

On Crime and Investigation channel, I've seen women of every race and nationality fall for "bad boys" w/disasterous results. There's also those that think they are falling for dudes that are alright, only to learn they've been deceived. I see this as more of a women's issue, than a black women's issue. Heck--many men, fall for women that aren't "healthy" for them.

I get this is a board for women of color. But members here could stand to consider more from a perspective of gender in general, than just singling out black women as often as they do. All the black women bashing and slurring, gets old. I'm sorry, but I can't participate in that.

 

[kandake]

Why the SMH? She admitted that she was contemplating the bad boy over the guy that was good to her. She is the one that titled the thread.

But, if anyone finds that offensive, I will delete the post.

No don't delete it.

 

[ManeStreet]

Why the SMH? She admitted that she was contemplating the bad boy over the guy that was good to her. She is the one that titled the thread.

But, if anyone finds that offensive, I will delete the post.

I think that is totally out of order. You dont know her personally to make such a bold statement. Also, theres no evidence that the "good guy" has proposed to her or has any intention of marrying her.

Also, the "good guy" could be an ax murderer for all we know.

A person in their 20s should date & experience different types of men, thats a part of the natural dating process & doesnt mean a woman isnt "marriage minded".

Truth be told theres a Whole lot of married women contemplating or being banged out by the "bad boy", the personal trainer, their co-worker or the soccer coach. Are they marriage minded?

 

[jturner7156]

No attack on the title of this thread OP but I wish the title was 'What Can we Do to Be More Marriage Minded?"

1. Date marriage minded men
2. Believe men when they tell you what they want.
3. Read Marriage Books
4. Research biblical principles on marriage, etc

 

[claudzie]

Well we can't just say 'black women' because there are black women from various backgrounds with different perspectives on issues. From my experience I have noticed that black women from African backgrounds who are influenced by their background are incredibly marriage focused. They do not play with the idea of marriage and they work towards that. I just think the notion of marriage varies from one black woman to another so we really can't generalise in this case.

 

[Bun Mistress]

Ok I'm not trying to fan the flames but I was thinking about this just this week and then I saw this thread so here goes.

I have net been, I didn't realized it until now, but I haven't been trying to be married in the past. I have dates for ther sake of dating but it wasn't the same kind of dating that I have seen women do who are trying to find a husband.

Example 1: My mom. She used to tell me the story of years that she liked one guy more than my dad BUT my dad was better married marterial and had a plan for his future, He was a betterm an to have childern with. And yes she loves him. She says that the other guys was better looking but he is now still living down in ther boonies of MS. Not her kind of life style. She was dating to find ther best man to marry.

Example 2:
I recently hada collegue of my date and marry with two years. She was totally on ther prowl for a husband. She went to church and christian dating sites looking for a potential man. And she was calculating at dating. She knew what she wanted and if he did add up he was gone. It was interesting to watch. I now tell friends of mine that complain about having a husband about her. She was all about finding ther right husband. I'm not saying he is AWESOME. But she found the guy for her.

Example 3: My dear sister
DS has alwyas liked ther exciting guys (ther bad boy) if you will. She really wanted to settle down andh ave kids be boring get ther house ect but whenever that guy came along he couldn't keep her interest. He married an exciting guy and after a 5 year marriage he left her while she was pregnant. She has since met a nice boring guy which she appreciates more now that preivous. It was after alot of though about ther type of man she wanted to be with and fit with her new life style. He is a good guy I've met him

last example ME:
As I sad, never really thought about marriage until now, I have finally been considering it and realize that I was just dating the people who came around and not screening people for the possibility of where things are going. I think a lot of my firends are like this. We have had other things going on til now with careers, school, ect and it wasn't a priority. My dad though me to be independent and that what I have been focusing on the last ten years. Luckily I have gotten there.

I disagree with people that say you don't know where a relationship will go. If you use some insight you can get a generalized idea where his head is and if he is just looking for play. It about looking at actions and not listening to words. Men are doers, a good man is anyway.

Now let ther stones be thrown

 

[Bun Mistress]

No attack on the title of this thread OP but I wish the title was 'What Can we Do to Be More Marriage Minded?"

1. Date marriage minded men
2. Believe men when they tell you what they want.
3. Read Marriage Books
4. Research biblical principles on marriage, etc

Number too is so true. So many women get caught up in what a man is saying and try to interrupt it into something else. Also if a guy is talk one way and doing BS.

Also if a man isn't a gentleman I would tell you to move on. If he starts out not respecting you there is nothing more to say.

 

[jturner7156]

Ok I'm not trying to fan the flames but I was thinking about this just this week and then I saw this thread so here goes.

I have net been, I didn't realized it until now, but I haven't been trying to be married in the past. I have dates for ther sake of dating but it wasn't the same kind of dating that I have seen women do who are trying to find a husband.

Example 1: My mom. She used to tell me the story of years that she liked one guy more than my dad BUT my dad was better married marterial and had a plan for his future, He was a betterm an to have childern with. And yes she loves him. She says that the other guys was better looking but he is now still living down in ther boonies of MS. Not her kind of life style. She was dating to find ther best man to marry.

Example 2:
I recently hada collegue of my date and marry with two years. She was totally on ther prowl for a husband. She went to church and christian dating sites looking for a potential man. And she was calculating at dating. She knew what she wanted and if he did add up he was gone. It was interesting to watch. I now tell friends of mine that complain about having a husband about her. She was all about finding ther right husband. I'm not saying he is AWESOME. But she found the guy for her.

Example 3: My dear sister
DS has alwyas liked ther exciting guys (ther bad boy) if you will. She really wanted to settle down andh ave kids be boring get ther house ect but whenever that guy came along he couldn't keep her interest. He married an exciting guy and after a 5 year marriage he left her while she was pregnant. She has since met a nice boring guy which she appreciates more now that preivous. It was after alot of though about ther type of man she wanted to be with and fit with her new life style. He is a good guy I've met him

last example ME:
As I sad, never really thought about marriage until now, I have finally been considering it and realize that I was just dating the people who came around and not screening people for the possibility of where things are going. I think a lot of my firends are like this. We have had other things going on til now with careers, school, ect and it wasn't a priority. My dad though me to be independent and that what I have been focusing on the last ten years. Luckily I have gotten there.

I disagree with people that say you don't know where a relationship will go. If you use some insight you can get a generalized idea where his head is and if he is just looking for play. It about looking at actions and not listening to words. Men are doers, a good man is anyway.

Now let ther stones be thrown

Stones...what Stones...this post is the bomb.com. This is exactly the knowledge, study, examples we (women who are trying to become marriage minded, married) need!

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

I think that is totally out of order. You dont know her personally to make such a bold statement. Also, theres no evidence that the "good guy" has proposed to her or has any intention of marrying her.

Also, the "good guy" could be an ax murderer for all we know.

A person in their 20s should date & experience different types of men, thats a part of the natural dating process & doesnt mean a woman isnt "marriage minded".

Truth be told theres a Whole lot of married women contemplating or being banged out by the "bad boy", the personal trainer, their co-worker or the soccer coach. Are they marriage minded?

I agree with the bolded. However, she was not talking about dating around. The OP in that thread was contemplating going back to someone who was awful to her and getting rid of someone who she knew to be good to her (even though you think he could be an axe murderer which is just an unfounded exaggeration). I did not read into anything she said - I merely took the plain language of her posts and applied it to this thread. I'll grant you that she did not say anything about wanting to be married. However, I'm sure she did want a serious relationship and to be treated well and she wouldn't have even gotten that much going back to the man she described herself as a douchebag.

My point is that women frequently look over a man that would be a good husband because they don't find them exciting enough. That's no secret. Men have been complaining about it for years and I see it all the time. You can pretend like that's not the case but that won't make it any less so. People place more importance than they should on excitement while ignoring red flags. Half the board gets upset if you say good black men are in short supply and the other half gets upset if you say they are plentiful.

I also did not realize this discussion also included married women?

Perhaps my opinion is not valid because I'm married and I don't really know what is out there in the dating market right now. If that's the case. I accept that and would respectfully bow out of this thread.

 

[Blyss_curls]

Well we can't just say 'black women' because there are black women from various backgrounds with different perspectives on issues. From my experience I have noticed that black women from African backgrounds who are influenced by their background are incredibly marriage focused. They do not play with the idea of marriage and they work towards that. I just think the notion of marriage varies from one black woman to another so we really can't generalise in this case.

On the bold:
Exactly.

In direct answer to the op, no. I do not. I don't expend a lot of energy wondering about other women's problems, motivations, concerns, and personal issues around marriage.

My marriage and relationship is my primary concern. Prior to marriage, I'm sure I made any number of choices that others may have viewed some kind of way.....so what? It's called life, we're human--humans make mistakes. Next. erplexed

 

[sunnydaze]

No attack on the title of this thread OP but I wish the title was 'What Can we Do to Be More Marriage Minded?"

1. Date marriage minded men
2. Believe men when they tell you what they want.
3. Read Marriage Books
4. Research biblical principles on marriage, etc

My incorrect takeaway from the original question was why aren't more women concerned with getting married vs why can't more women find a man to be married to.

I guess I am separating marriage minded and marriage material.

Just like when people as the question of BM - why aren't they more marriage minded, people come in and say its b/c they get the don't see any benefits in being married (splitting finances, getting sex free anyway). Interesting this same question is asked of women, but its not the same thinking - its working from the assumption that all women are marriage minded, but haven't been able to close the deal. Many women too don't see a benefit in getting married.

 

[Browniee]

I don't think the problem is that black women in general aren't marriage minded, I think the problem is that its easier for these women to see the faults in many marriages. I think all all goes back to the family structure and relizing that a lot of these women haven't seen successful marriages, or have believe that they're value as a person isn't as great, so they will settle with just being a baby mom, or the 'wifey' without the ring and things. Ultimately, in my opinion, it can all be traced to the breakdown of the nuclear family structure in the black community. Its not fair to only blame the women, marriage is a 2 way street, we have to take into account black males and the influences from the media today, that make it appear that simply having a jumpoff is cool, women are ho's, and b's, just the general misogony ect. This isn't only a problem for black women, its a problem for the whole black community.

 

[gabulldawg]

I would say that either a lot of Us aren't marriage minded or have no clue how to pursue marriage. I agree with letskeepintouch on this. Some threads around here alone really have me wondering....

 

[FelaShrine]

Nope. plenty of married BW around me.

Sometimes a person wants to just date, Not everyone you're with is the one. when you're ready to be serous. you know what to do. simple as that

 

[Fine 4s]

FelaShrine,

I new my ex wasn't the one and told him that when I turned 35, some serious decisions had to be made. Guess what ONE of the decisions was? *look*

This is the first time in my life I've tried to act right in a relationship...

 

[StarScream35]

As I look around and take notes, I'm beginning to think black women really are not marriage minded. And when they are, they simply accept it won't happen and let the man do as he pleases.

 

[1QTPie]

Most black women that I know in person and offline want to be married or have been. Most want to be the princess in the fairytale. I know very few that don't want to be married or are undecided like I was.

 

[Maracujá]

Most black women that I know in person and offline want to be married or have been. Most want to be the princess in the fairytale. I know very few that don't want to be married or are undecided like I was.

Do you see wanting to be married and being marriage minded as the same?

 

[PrissiSippi]

Why the SMH? She admitted that she was contemplating the bad boy over the guy that was good to her. She is the one that titled the thread.

But, if anyone finds that offensive, I will delete the post.

I don't find it offensive, but I do think it could be easily taken the wrong way with by someone with thin skin. That was inappropriate. I came on the board to get help, advice, and insight by those older and wiser than me not be bashed. I think this is a constant struggle in the African American community...instead of pointing fingers and pullling down what exactly are you doing to uplift.

But I digress...


I think that many women wish to married. Who does not want to live happily ever after? Black women wish to be treated well and loved, but with that said we have not been cultured in what to look for, what we should RUN from, what is appealing, and what appropriate. Because of this we just rely on "feelings" and "emotions" which are not logical at all and end up with a lot of heartache and bad experiences.

I think more mentoring should happen in the black communities to show women how they should act, allow men to act towards them, and look forward to because many of us don't have positive examples of what true husband material looks like. Single parent, no parent, abusive parents homes are rampant.

Women like what they have been taught to like. Coming from my own point of view... My parents are happily married. With that said my father is selfish, crude, minimally involved, but educated and "fun to be around". He's a "bad boy" I would presume...just grown up. I have been instilled to love that man and types of men like him...I mean that's the first male role model I ever had. With that said as I get older I realize I want more but because of my experiences and past....I can quickly look over the "good guy" and look at the fun interesting charismatic person like my father *shrugs*

 

[manter26]

I'll admit I wasn't and still am not very marriage minded. I do notice a lot of women who are married made it their business to get married. I will say when I was in college...the black men had a certain aire about them. I could ask a black man for a pencil and before I got the words out he would proclaim "I have a girlfriend." They were all like that...assumed every black woman in a 20 ft radius was hitting on him and that he had to make it known he was taken...

 

[DrC]

I come from a family where marriage is honored and held to a high standard. Being marriage-minded was automatically instilled into us as we got older.

 

[Raspberry]

Most black women that I know in person and offline want to be married or have been. Most want to be the princess in the fairytale. I know very few that don't want to be married or are undecided like I was.

I can cosign this, but the realistic and practical mindset for getting married is definitely lacking. I know quite a few black women who gave lip service to marriage but dabbled in glorified FWB relationships for years.

Also, many black women get into a marriage mindset much later than average, and oftentimes after getting burned from bad or stagnant relationships. I wish the desire for a stable relationship that leads to marriage was always a natural trajectory rather than a wake-up call that results after nothing else works.

Personally, I grew up in a marriage-minded household but didn't have a real desire to have a mate until my late 20s. It wasn't like I was consumed with distracting relationships either, I've spent more years purposely not dating than I have dating. I've been something of an emotional late bloomer I think.. or maybe some women are just wired differently.