So say she was a virgin...

[meesch]

This is a question for both virgins and non virgins... and I would ask everybody to really THINK about their answer and not just give the PC response ("oh if he loves you, he'd do this, oh if he somehow isn't comfortable with the situation then he's no good anyway blah blah blah").

So say she (or that you) was a virgin and dating a guy who was not a virgin. He wants to be with her but knows long term he's not really okay with the waiting til marriage thing. (She does not necessarily know/accept this.) However in the meantime they get along and enjoy dating and consider themselves in an exclusive relationship.

Do you think it's smart or foolish for her to compromise with "other things" so as to not have sex? Would that perhaps sway a man on the fence and keep him satiated to the point that maybe they would make it to marriage?

Assume the whole purity concept is not an issue (i.e. it's not a dealbreaker for her to compromise in that her virginity is now wasted or something like that... no morality play on the "other stuff.")

What are your thoughts about virgins in relationships?

eta: I just threw a poll in kind of for fun, those aren't any hard guidelines or anything

 

[jdvzmommy]

I hope I'm answering the question correctly. I might be a little confused.


If she wants to do "other things," and has no issues with it, then she should. If they sat down and talked about it she told him, "Look, we can do xyz until we're married, but we're not doing 123," and he was cool with it, I don't see a problem with it.

If he has a problem with it, she should tell him to kick rocks and move on.

ETA: I didn't finish my thought.

 

[meesch]

Other things in order to pacify him or thinking it will be better for the relationship... I would go so far as to say thinking it would save the relationship in place of where the issue of not having sex would otherwise be its downfall.

 

[kismettt]

doing other things to keep him satisfied b/c she doesn't want to have sex?

UHHHHHHHH.

no.

don't compromise on what you want or what you don't want to make someone else happy & think that's going to make them stick around. if she wants to do everything but sex and she likes it, cool for her. but doing everything but sex so he'll stick around? uh no.

re: virgins in relationships, as long as everyone is on the same page & ok with that page, w/e. i've heard virgins are just not good. lol. but w/e. gotta start somewhere.

 

[JayAnn0513]

I dont see it ending well. She will do the "other things" and he still wont be satisfied or she wont and he wont be satisfied.

 

[B_Phlyy]

I didn't vote cause I don't understand the options, but I think she should only do what she wants because she wants to do it, not because it will keep him. If he knows that the virgin until marriage thing is important to her, he should respect that and not pressure her to do anything. And if he doesn't want to wait for her, he should just leave. IMO, that doesn't make him a "dog/bad guy", just a man who is not compatible with that woman.

 

[RoseTintedCheeks]

If she's doing "other things" to keep a guy around, then no she shouldn't be doing it.

Doing "other things" can have emotional repercussions as well. Plus, some guys are going to hear that she's ready for those "other things", take them, then try to persuade her into going into that no no zone anyway.

I don't see it ending well.

 

[UrbainChic]

I'm honestly so sick of these technical virgins. Done everything, even up the @zz and calling themselves virgins.

 

[meesch]

Can a relationship with a virgin ever work with a man who has an active sex drive?

There; not sure why I didn't think of that phrasing before

 

[Theo]

Lol... I've been in those situations before. Speaking from experience, no one gets satisfied.

 

[softblackcotton]

I'm a virgin not the technical kind. I've never been in a real deep long term relationship. Never been in love. However would like to wait until marriage. That would be nice. I still have faith that I will.find someone willing to wait for me. Someone I like and am attracted to. Someone perfect for me. I believe God will provide. I don't think a woman should comprise her values and her morals to please a man. Men are unreliable and break promises.

 

[Rina88]

I agree with the rest of you. If that's what she wants to do because she's ready for that then I say go for it. If he's feeling anxious and this is to pacify him he probably won't be satisfied for long, if he's heartset on the cookie then he's going to go for the cookie he won't settle for nibbles for too long. He'll probably end up waiting for her not to be watching so he can stick his hand in her jar, or get frustrated and leave anyways. I hope any woman would consider that occuring and not risk it. On top of ALL of that she could feel like a jerk for going against what she really wants if these actions are done just to keep him. At the end of the day it's about what YOU want, everyone is looking out for themselves so you have to do the same.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Nope. I don't think she'll feel good abt her compromise afterwards and resentment will settle in. Not everyone is meant to be together. It doesn't mean either of them were wrong for their values, wants or needs.

Sent from my VM670 using VM670

 

[MD_Lady]

...Do you think it's smart or foolish for her to compromise with "other things" so as to not have sex? Would that perhaps sway a man on the fence and keep him satiated to the point that maybe they would make it to marriage?...

Foir the reasons you specified, I think it would be foolish. Getting into the habit of compromising your values to keep a man happy is no way to start a relationship (or live your life, for that matter). Now, if SHE decided she wanted to engage in (not compromise with) "other things" because of how she felt about SO and their relationship, that's cool.

 

[MD_Lady]

Can a relationship with a virgin ever work with a man who has an active sex drive?

There; not sure why I didn't think of that phrasing before

I can't say that it would never work for anyone, but I know it wouldn't have worked for me (and I wouldn't have entered into that relationship instead of getting involved with the guy and pressuring him to change).

 

[LongTimeComing]

I agree with doing what she is comfortable with, whatever that may be. I think a virgin and non virgin can be in a successful relationship if the sexually experienced person is able to 'turn off' or channel that energy elsewhere (working out, working ot, etc). If they start pressuring the virgin to satisfy them in that arena that's when I believe the relationship would fail.

 

[DayStar]

Yes, but he has to be in the same mindset with you and want to wait. DH waited for me. Don't compromise your beliefs to satisfy a man... absolutely not.

Can a relationship with a virgin ever work with a man who has an active sex drive?

There; not sure why I didn't think of that phrasing before

 

[sky_blu]

I didn't vote cause I don't understand the options, but I think she should only do what she wants because she wants to do it, not because it will keep him. If he knows that the virgin until marriage thing is important to her, he should respect that and not pressure her to do anything. And if he doesn't want to wait for her, he should just leave. IMO, that doesn't make him a "dog/bad guy", just a man who is not compatible with that woman.

ALL THAT!

 

[anon123]

I'm a girl, so I don't know. But I'd guess that if he wants sex, the half-stepping would not be enough anyway.

 

[aribell]

Do you think it's smart or foolish for her to compromise with "other things" so as to not have sex? Would that perhaps sway a man on the fence and keep him satiated to the point that maybe they would make it to marriage?

Foolish. This is not a good idea because more than likely, compromising with "other things" is only going to lead her to end up compromising that standard. Some people do play that game and maintain the "technical" virgin status, but that is so silly. If the word "sex" is in the description of the activity, it's sex. If climaxes are involved, it's sex.

I think that a man who is sexually experienced is not likely to play that game without continually pushing it further and further. (He will also likely know exactly which buttons to push to persuade her to give in) Compromising will have the opposite effect of what she intends. Maybe a man who is sexually inexperienced would take whatever he could get, but I just don't see a man who's been sexually active tolerating much of that--it would only lead to frustration.

It'd be better just to keep things tame so no one gets too excited.

 

[WhippedButterCreme]

Interesting...My friend who I've been shoving into the friend category, states that 'when' we get into a relationship, and knowing full well my religious believes will still 'try'.

(gives a slow look)...

Sorry but compromising things that are your core for a GUY is not worth it.... :/

 

[MissNina]

I didn't vote cause I don't understand the options, but I think she should only do what she wants because she wants to do it, not because it will keep him. If he knows that the virgin until marriage thing is important to her, he should respect that and not pressure her to do anything. And if he doesn't want to wait for her, he should just leave. IMO, that doesn't make him a "dog/bad guy", just a man who is not compatible with that woman.

THIS!!!!!

Can a relationship with a virgin ever work with a man who has an active sex drive?

There; not sure why I didn't think of that phrasing before

Yep. I had A few rlshps that were like that. It worked out okay...it was haaaaard but okay....and I ended those rlshps for other reasons. IDK about waiting for marriage though. Thats a lot to ask/expect of anyone...to wait for that.

Doing other things is wack if it's done a consistent basis just to keep someone aro. Eventually, a sexually active person WILL want sex @ some point lol. Ppl have to follow their own convictions.

 

[meesch]

was told today (by a guy) that guys who are sexually active date virgins because they are fairly sure theyll be able to get them to have sex. he said it so casually and matter of factly, as if it was so far from being a big thing at all, that it seems reasonable that that is, in fact, the natural way guys approach the situation...

 

[MissNina]

was told today (by a guy) that guys who are sexually active date virgins because they are fairly sure theyll be able to get them to have sex. he said it so casually and matter of factly, as if it was so far from being a big thing at all, that it seems reasonable that that is, in fact, the natural way guys approach the situation...

It is true. Just like a lot of women have sex with men bc they are fairly certain if they do it long enough theyll be able to get them in a commited rlshp. Doesnt usually work like that, CLEARLY lol

The key is you (general) never tell a guy you're a virgin til after they're with you and have been with you for a min. Lol. Then they are already invested and it's like, "Damn, now what am i really gonna do??!?! I really like her now". Vast majority of guys date girls to have sex and really liking her just is something they fall into - unless they are religiously on point or ready to settle down. IMO, a woman who wants to wait til marriage should only be dealing with guys that are one or the other. As i said, thats a lot to ask of anyone.

But im very aware my way was not nice lol....but it worked!

 

[cluelezz]

I personally wouldn't date a man who was saving himself for marriage. Remember when Charlotte got married the first time on SATC? That's a fear of mine. She should talk about how far she's willing to go early on so he can decide if he's willing to wait with her. None of this "if he loves her" business coming from me, because I feel they should've talked about this before love even comes into play. It's not fair if she drops this on him after he realizes he loves her.

 

[TrueToHair]

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[TrueToHair]

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[softblackcotton]

THIS!!!!!



Yep. I had A few rlshps that were like that. It worked out okay...it was haaaaard but okay....and I ended those rlshps for other reasons. IDK about waiting for marriage though. Thats a lot to ask/expect of anyone...to wait for that.

Doing other things is wack if it's done a consistent basis just to keep someone aro. Eventually, a sexually active person WILL want sex @ some point lol. Ppl have to follow their own convictions.

Asking a man to wait until marriage is NOT too much to ask! They don't need sex to live! If the person truly loves you and plans to marry you with a reasonable timeframe and goal in mind, they could wait until marriage. I hate that people think its absolutely impossible. This is why its so hard for women to find good men who will marry them now. Part of the reason why we have baby mamas, wifeys, shacking forever couples. This line of thinking: its too much to ask him wear this relationship is going on the first date, its too much to make requirements of him, its too much to ask him about his past, its too much to ask him to give, a deadline on marriage, its too much to ask! It's too much to ask? Women's standards and requirements are set too low because they are always trying to appease men and make things easier for men. This is what makes it so hard for women who have requirements and standards and stick to them. This world sucks!

 

[softblackcotton]

I personally wouldn't date a man who was saving himself for marriage. Remember when Charlotte got married the first time on SATC? That's a fear of mine. She should talk about how far she's willing to go early on so he can decide if he's willing to wait with her. None of this "if he loves her" business coming from me, because I feel they should've talked about this before love even comes into play. It's not fair if she drops this on him after he realizes he loves her.

This is why I drop the bomb early. Let them go away. If a never get a man, maybe its just not for my life. Life is short anyway.

 

[meesch]

If the person truly loves you and plans to marry you with a reasonable timeframe and goal in mind, they could wait until marriage.

No offense, but I hope you sometimes consider the possibility that this is a really naive and almost childish way to look at the situation. Just because a man wants sex to be a part of his relationships doesn't mean he doesn't truly love a woman who he would otherwise be with if sex were included in the relationship. In fact it would speak to him loving her more as well as being an upstanding man that he would be willing to respect her choice to wait, as well as not cheat, by going to be with someone else/ending/not pursuing the relationship.

I think in general most men will want to have sex, so condemning a man who feels that way as somehow being less worthy is... probably not... good...

its too much to ask him wear this relationship is going on the first date, its too much to make requirements of him, its too much to ask him about his past, its too much to ask him to give, a deadline on marriage, its too much to ask!

If a never get a man, maybe its just not for my life.

Just a thought, it might be too much to ask if you think there's a possibility it would leave you single and alone forever for your entire life.