Single And Frustrated

N

NinasLongAmbition

Well-Known Member
First off I'm a single 28 year old nursing student. I have never had a boyfriend and at this point of my life I'm confused and ready to change my life. So how did I get here? Let's start with my upbringing I came from a single parent home, she was very independent and raised me to not rely on men. Which is not a bad thing but now I'm wondering if that affected my outlook on dating. By the time I was 18 I never got into anything serious. During my early 20s I was more focused on my academics and religion and never gave dating an honest effort. Around 25/26 I started worrying more about my future and trying to date but I feel awkward and have difficulty being witty and charming. I feel I lack the maturity and experience that most women my age have.

Now let me talk about my personality. I am an introvert( Capricorn). I was very picky with my "list" when I was younger. My outlook has changed but I'm still working on being more open and approachable. My friends are constantly telling me I come off unapproachable.

I know I'm all over the place but I am just looking for advice on how to catch up on lost time and to increase my odds on finding someone
 
So I'm about to be very direct with you. I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I see so much of myself in you. I think you are looking at this in a practical sense when you should look at it from more of a spiritual sense.

The reason why you are now at this point in your life and have never had a SO is most likely psychological. I'm about to be very blunt here so be prepared.

I think the consciously you say that you want a mate but subconsciously you do not. This has to do with fear. You do not see yourself as a person who is worthy of love. Work on loving and accepting yourself. Forgive yourself for whatever has happened in the past.

I am someone who deals with this myself so much luck to us both.
 
GraceJones said:
So I'm about to be very direct with you. I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I see so much of myself in you. I think you are looking at this in a practical sense when you should look at it from more of a spiritual sense.

The reason why you are now at this point in your life and have never had a SO is most likely psychological. I'm about to be very blunt here so be prepared.

I think the consciously you say that you want a mate but subconsciously you do not. This has to do with fear. You do not see yourself as a person who is worthy of love. Work on loving and accepting yourself. Forgive yourself for whatever has happened in the past.

I am someone who deals with this myself so much luck to us both.
Click to expand...
Thank you! I'm starting to dig deeper at the bigger picture here and you may be on to something. ...I have so much work to do it actually makes me sad. I never thought that but I think you may be right, when a guy likes me I find a reason to not like him or "shoo" him away. The guys that I like don't like me. It's so weird.
 
NinasLongAmbition said:
Thank you! I'm starting to dig deeper at the bigger picture here and you may be on to something. ...I have so much work to do it actually makes me sad. I never thought that but I think you may be right, when a guy likes me I find a reason to not like him or "shoo" him away. The guys that I like don't like me. It's so weird.
Click to expand...
Yes, that is your subconscious way of keeping men away from you. I have the same problem.
 
Start now. Smile when you see someone you like then look away and go on with your business. If they like you they will approach.

Be your awkward self. Don't beat yourself up for it. Guys who like you will like you for you. Trust when a guy likes you your habits are endearing to him.

I mention this because you should shake off the lack of confidence. You don't want to attract predator types or those who think you are unworthy because you feel you are. You are a prize. Act like it even if you don't believe it yet.

First you start with actions. Actions will overtime become habits. Have a, "yeah it's me" attitude. Own all that you are: the awkward and reserved. Don't apologize for it.

Also stop freaking out and taking yourself too seriously. Dating and meeting guys is supposed to be fun.

Sure work on you (mentally and even physically if you need) but in the meantime employ these habits until you start to believe them. You will grow out of the awkward phase before you know it. Being awkward is a self conscious thing. Decide that it is okay to be you. Choose you. But of course remember to smile every now and then.

Find something that makes you happy and think on it
Watch something funny or listen to something that makes you feel good before going out so you radiate joy (even if reserved). Then smile at a guy in all your awkwardness and let him see how endearing that is. Then of course relax and be yourself when he approaches.

Please do not become debbie downer. Save your child hood sorrows for later.

Stop worrying about making up for lost time. You are in your prime. You are fine. Your path doesn't have to follow your friends. It is your life. So what you waited? You are ready now. Be brave enough to get on with it and stop beating yourself up. Only through action do you change your circumstances.

This is from a poster who used to work for a top matchmaker.
Hth
 
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i just saw this :lol:

5 Things that Keep us Stuck in Life
1. Believing negative, unproductive and self-defeating thoughts. These include thoughts like “I could never … I’m not good enough to … I don’t deserve to … I’m useless at …”

2. Blaming others. It’s true that other people can have a huge affect on what happens to us, and where we are in life. But we give them too much power if we let them set our course, and see ourselves as victims, and act like we’ve no power.

3. Taking ourselves too seriously. It’s important to work hard and to have integrity – but we also have to laugh and enjoy ourselves as well. Also, decide to let things go, and put up with some mistakes. You’re not a perfect person and, the truth is - that’s OK!

4. Being afraid to take some risks or to live close to the edge. To have an interesting life you must leave your comfort zone and say “yes” to some new chances and opportunities. It will broaden your perspective, reduce anxiety, and provide you with new options and possibilities.

5. Being afraid of change. It doesn’t take much effort to stick with what you know. The unknown can seem daunting as we don’t know where that leads! But we grow as individuals and lead a richer life if we learn to accept changes, instead of being scared.
 
luckiestdestiny said:
Start now. Smile when you see someone you like then look away and go on with your business. If they like you they will approach.

Be your awkward self. Don't beat yourself up for it. Guys who like you will like you for you. Trust when a guy likes you your habits are endearing to him.

I mention this because you should shake off the lack of confidence. You don't want to attract predator types or those who think you are unworthy because you feel you are. You are a prize. Act like it even if you don't believe it yet.

First you start with actions. Actions will overtime become habits. Have a, "yeah it's me" attitude. Own all that you are: the awkward and reserved. Don't apologize for it.

Also stop freaking out and taking yourself too seriously. Dating and meeting guys is supposed to be fun.

Sure work on you (mentally and even physically if you need) but in the meantime employ these habits until you start to believe them. You will grow out of the awkward phase before you know it. Being awkward is a self conscious thing. Decide that it is okay to be you. Choose you. But of course remember to smile every now and then.

Find something that makes you happy and think on it
Watch something funny or listen to something that makes you feel good before going out so you radiate joy (even if reserved). Then smile at a guy in all your awkwardness and let him see how endearing that is. Then of course relax and be yourself when he approaches.

Please do not become debbie downer. Save your child hood sorrows for later.

Stop worrying about making up for lost time. You are in your prime. You are fine. Your path doesn't have to follow your friends. It is your life. So what you waited? You are ready now. Be brave enough to get on with it and stop beating yourself up. Only through action do you change your circumstances.

This is from a poster who used to work for a top matchmaker.
Hth
Click to expand...


Wowww! Thank you. Maybe you should start a thread for other women regardless of age giving this advice. :-)
 
Even if you meet someone tomorrow you're not going to let the relationship elevate because of your inner conflict. I dated a guy for two months and I swear I didn't even let him kiss me. We didn't even hold hands. I don't even think we touched. This man was taking me on dates, picking me up every 1-2 weeks, and had nothing to show. Poor guy :lachen:

Eventually I just ghosted on him. I don't know if it was imaginary concern or one that was reasonable, but he always made little jokes that rubbed me the wrong way
 
I was listening to a podcast last night about people looking for love needing to assess their capacity for love. The expert suggested a meditation where you breathe deeply, close your eyes and imagine you are on the beach looking at the ocean. Suddenly, the water in the ocean turns to money. You have a container in your hand, you take it to the ocean and fill it up with as much money as you can. Then do the same exercise again, but this time the ocean is full of love. Now go out once more and fill your container up with love. Look at both containers, how big is the container you grabbed to fill with money vs the container you grabbed to fill with love? This will show you what your subconscious capacity for love is.

People that don't have a high capacity for love often shun compliments, don't think they are worthy of ppl doing nice things for them, generally don't "receive" well, etc. However, you can enlarge your capacity for love by changing your mindset, filling yourself with love and giving love to others.
 
luckiestdestiny said:
Start now. Smile when you see someone you like then look away and go on with your business. If they like you they will approach.

Be your awkward self. Don't beat yourself up for it. Guys who like you will like you for you. Trust when a guy likes you your habits are endearing to him.

I mention this because you should shake off the lack of confidence. You don't want to attract predator types or those who think you are unworthy because you feel you are. You are a prize. Act like it even if you don't believe it yet.

First you start with actions. Actions will overtime become habits. Have a, "yeah it's me" attitude. Own all that you are: the awkward and reserved. Don't apologize for it.

Also stop freaking out and taking yourself too seriously. Dating and meeting guys is supposed to be fun.

Sure work on you (mentally and even physically if you need) but in the meantime employ these habits until you start to believe them. You will grow out of the awkward phase before you know it. Being awkward is a self conscious thing. Decide that it is okay to be you. Choose you. But of course remember to smile every now and then.

Find something that makes you happy and think on it
Watch something funny or listen to something that makes you feel good before going out so you radiate joy (even if reserved). Then smile at a guy in all your awkwardness and let him see how endearing that is. Then of course relax and be yourself when he approaches.

Please do not become debbie downer. Save your child hood sorrows for later.

Stop worrying about making up for lost time. You are in your prime. You are fine. Your path doesn't have to
Click to expand...

It's so true, a guy who likes me will like all of me. I definitely need to work on my self confidence, I have gained weight and have been very down on myself lately. I'm starting to take my gym routine and diet seriously and I know that will help but in the meantime I need to still date and get out of my "perfectionist" attitude. I feel if I'm not at my goal weight or at a particular point in my life, I can't worry about dating. I just wish I was carefree or at least appeared to be carefree.

CaraWalker said:
do you ever meet anyone you would want to be with?
Click to expand...
Yes I have. Never works in my favor. The guys I don't want , want me.
 
Chocoluxe said:
I was listening to a podcast last night about people looking for love needing to assess their capacity for love. The expert suggested a meditation where you breathe deeply, close your eyes and imagine you are on the beach looking at the ocean. Suddenly, the water in the ocean turns to money. You have a container in your hand, you take it to the ocean and fill it up with as much money as you can. Then do the same exercise again, but this time the ocean is full of love. Now go out once more and fill your container up with love. Look at both containers, how big is the container you grabbed to fill with money vs the container you grabbed to fill with love? This will show you what your subconscious capacity for love is.

People that don't have a high capacity for love often shun compliments, don't think they are worthy of ppl doing nice things for them, generally don't "receive" well, etc. However, you can enlarge your capacity for love by changing your mindset, filling yourself with love and giving love to others.
Click to expand...
Hmm, I wouldn't say I don't have a capacity for love because I do. I accept compliments, I appreciate nice things, I love hugs and I constantly show the people in my life I appreciate them.
 
LiftedUp said:
Why aren't your friends trying to set you up with someone? I'd ask them if they know anyone or if their SOs do and start from there.
Click to expand...
Here's the thing I have a very small circle, my best friend tried to hook me up with her boyfriend's cousin. We spoke on the phone once or twice, but I didn't like him. One of my good friends is currently looking too after coming out of a bad relationship . My other friend is single too. There is literally no options in my group..
 
NinasLongAmbition said:
Here's the thing I have a very small circle, my best friend tried to hook me up with her boyfriend's cousin. We spoke on the phone once or twice, but I didn't like him. One of my good friends is currently looking too after coming out of a bad relationship . My other friend is single too. There is literally no options in my group..
Click to expand...


You need to quit. Cut the bs.

Thus isn't something that even needs to be analyzed. You know it's a problem and you know dating is about numbers


Lemme go old school for you: you need to go out onow a date with every man that asks.

Do you want options or not?
 
barbiesocialite said:
You need to quit. Cut the bs.

Thus isn't something that even needs to be analyzed. You know it's a problem and you know dating is about numbers


Lemme go old school for you: you need to go out onow a date with every man that asks.

Do you want options or not?
Click to expand...
Seriously every man that asks? Ah you see that's my issue, I don't do that. Even if I don't like them , I should go?
 
NinasLongAmbition said:
I'm being serious, I appreciate your take on it. I'm not being facetious. What's the point of going on a date with someone you don't like? Clearly I am asking for advice. I'm taking notes
Click to expand...


Because you never know who you will click with. And even if you dont click qith thwm, you never knownwho you will meet while out with them. I'm someone that gives everybody a chance. Friends, lovers, etc.

It's one thing when you acquire multiple options. Then you can pick and choose, weed through the trash to find your treasures. However you aren't there yet. You're at step one. You need a start. And just putting yourself out there, getting out there is the easiest and most logical step to get that start.

Furthermore putting yourself out thyere and trying new things and people slowly builds your confidence. Think about.it, if men are asking you in dates it's clearly that there are men who want you. So just imagine all the other men who want you that haven't met you yet that deserve to meet you. They can't meet your if you never have the oppurtunity to meet them.
 
barbiesocialite said:
Because you never know who you will click with. And even if you dont click qith thwm, you never knownwho you will meet while out with them. I'm someone that gives everybody a chance. Friends, lovers, etc.

It's one thing when you acquire multiple options. Then you can pick and choose, weed through the trash to find your treasures. However you aren't there yet. You're at step one. You need a start. And just putting yourself out there, getting out there is the easiest and most logical step to get that start.

Furthermore putting yourself out thyere and trying new things and people slowly builds your confidence. Think about.it, if men are asking you in dates it's clearly that there are men who want you. So just imagine all the other men who want you that haven't met you yet that deserve to meet you. They can't meet your if you never meet them.
Click to expand...
Makes sense, I'm going to do that. Thank you
 
NinasLongAmbition said:
I'm being serious, I appreciate your take on it. I'm not being facetious. What's the point of going on a date with someone you don't like? Clearly I am asking for advice. I'm taking notes
Click to expand...

I accept all dates, pretty much :look: For me, it's an exercise in social skills; specifically on how to interact with men. I was a relatively late bloomer, so I just feel like I need all the practice I can get. I'll go out with 99% of guys who ask at least once, twice if he's not a complete psychopath.
 
NinasLongAmbition said:
Seriously every man that asks? Ah you see that's my issue, I don't do that. Even if I don't like them , I should go?
Click to expand...
I was gonna say go out and **** every single man that wants to. but didnt cause i didnt want to justify it but since it seems like we are cutting to the bare now, my opinion is that that is exactly what you need to ****ing do jesus ****ing christ.
 
CaraWalker said:
because

you know

absolutely nothing

about anything

at all

and the fastest quickest most efficient route towards getting a motherfucking clue (which you desperately need)

is to just **** a bunch of dudes and LEARN SOMETHING
Click to expand...
I learned somethings but tough lessons that don't work for my personality and emotional state. I can't have sex freely without getting emotionally attached. So that won't work for me. Any other suggestions
 
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