Silkycoils
Well-Known Member
The Narcissist
I connected with the Narcissist (”P”) on my first, maybe second day on Hinge. He was alright looking . . .attractive enough, but I’d actually “liked” ” one of his statements about not dating anyone who has a roommate. I was fresh off of my interaction with the 35 y/o, so that resonated with me easily.
One thing I like about Hinge is that you can list your university, and “P” went to a “highly regarded” university. The prestige isn’t what attracted me to his profile, though I’ll admit to preferring college-educated men. Anywho, we exchange a bit of witty banter, and he asks for my number. He tries to call me that evening, but I’m on the phone with someone else 
, so I tell him that I’ll call him back shortly.
I call him back and we start chatting. We establish a rapport easily. He’s an Attorney, but he doesn’t work as an Attorney . . .more of a Consultant. I don’t necessarily volunteer that I’m an Attorney with men up front. I’m certainly not ashamed, but I don’t like to lead with my accomplishments. I want them to try to impress me and not the other way around. I do tell him where I went for undergrad and grad school, but he doesn’t ask what my degrees are in, and I don’t volunteer. He’s from a solidly middle-class background, but according to him, he’s down to earth. I told him that I drive an old car to which I am very attached, lol. Lots and lots of witty banter, and I’m genuinely laughing. I ask how is it that he is single . . .he’s 41, lives in Buckhead, and supposedly does well for himself . . .and he’s aiight-looking. I told him I was asking because the women in Atlanta can be very aggressive about pursuing men . . .especially if they think they can secure “the bag.” He says that he’s “picky” (should’ve been a glaring red flag).
He asks about my social life, and I tell him that I admittedly don’t venture downtown that much, and where I live is not really a place for singles . . .it’s more so for families. I say that I’m changing that though.
We’re having a friendly little intellectual debate, and he says, “There’s only one Attorney on the phone.”
, to which I easily reply, “Actually, I’m an Attorney as well.”
He says, “You’re an Attorney?”, and he now seems to be “impressed” with my credentials. Yadda, yadda, yadda . . .it was still a “good” conversation, and I was looking forward to getting to know him. He even sent me a picture of his new puppy, which he said I could be his “stepmom” if I played my cards right. I took this as a joke because I’m not auditioning for anyone. The next day is when stuff hit the fan.
He called me the next evening, and it started off fine. He was asking me some questions about my relationship with my sons. For the most part, I’m pretty good at keeping my cards close to my chest, but I shared a story of when I went through a rough patch with my older son. He asked probing questions, and at one point, I actually said to him, “I feel like I’m being really vulnerable right now”(but I was uncomfortable with that because he wasn’t really sharing anything with me). Anywho, we move on from that, but then he says to me, “I know your last name” and I say, “No you don’t . . .how?” I’d given him my real number, but I’d forgotten that it sometimes displays your real name on caller id. I ask him if he’d looked me up on the State Bar website, and he says, “I’m not telling you how I know.”(?!!!!) I kept asking how he knew, and he absolutely refused to tell me. I finally said, “Oh, you probably saw it on my caller id.” Y’all . . .I don’t like that . . .at all. I’d just shared some private details about my life (granted, it was my choice to share), but you’re essentially playing “Nah-nah-na-boo-boo” when I ask you a simple question . . .that you baited me with. I got a bad feeling about that, but we move on.
I tell him my weight, but he doesn’t believe it. I’m currently over 200 lbs., but I’m also 5’11”. He doesn’t believe me and asks to see a picture. Y’all . . .brace yourselves for real!!!!
I send him this picture taken of me in December in Tulum, Mexico. I bought the bodysuit and shorts off of “Pretty Little Things”, but decided to put a full-coverage strapless bra underneath like a bustier, because these tiddd-ays are 45, and not 25.. I send him the pic, and the first thing he says is, “Why do you have your breasts out?”
I say, “I don’t have my breasts out. They are fully covered.” He says, “I want a Michelle, not a Nicki.”
I said, “That picture DOES NOT look Nicki-Minaj-ish . . .at all, and there is a wide chasm between Michelle Obama and Nicki Minaj. I feel like I’m being criticized by you, and I don’t like it. I wore that outfit because I was in Mexico and it was hot. I’m a grown woman . . . I’m 45. I sent it to you because I thought it looked cute, and I STILL think it looks cute!” (Sidenote, when I get my girls lifted, they WILL be out!!!!)
He said, “My woman would never wear that, or if she did, she wouldn’t be my woman. I mean, it looks cute, but what would make you think to wear that . . .like what would make you think that was okay?” Y’ALLLLLLL . . .I was losing my . . .stuff at this point, but trying to stay composed. He absolutely would NOT relent.
I said to him, “What autonomous individual is going to take kindly to being questioned like that? Like, WHO TF are you?!!!” What I REALLY wanted to say was,
!!!!
I told him that I feel like he has gaslighting tendencies, and this condescending
says, "Do you even know what that means?"?!!!!
Again, he still would not relent. I finally say, “You know what “P”, goodnight.” I went to unmatch him, but he’d already unmatched me. Honestly, a part of me took so long to write this because that encounter disturbed my spirit SO MUCH! I was like, “This old
adz, UGG-Glass naker did NOT!” When I told my friend, she said, “I’m not even into all of that, but I feel like you need some sage after that.” I promptly ordered some.
I’m SOOOOO thankful that I have done the work to recognize toxic and abusive behavior!!!! I didn’t have to open up about my sons, but I didn’t share too much. I will go back to holding my cards close to my chest though. I believe I allowed myself to be disarmed by his humor. Also, I first heard the term “negging” here on lhcf, and it was used by @CrackersPhinn. For those of you who don’t know, this is when someone will lowkey (and sometimes highkey) insult you to chip away at your self-esteem so that you start to seek their approval (which they never give). It’s VERY abusive!!!! If he didn’t like my outfit, he could’ve kept that to himself. By saying “his woman would never” and likening it to something Nicki Minaj would wear, he was setting the stage for me to prove my worth to him . . .which would’ve been perpetual and fruitless. Honestly, a lot of educated, high-earning black men think that they’re the prize . . .seriously. Fortunately for ME, I now fully know that I am THAT CHICK, and I quickly recognize and discard ANYONE who tries to dim or crush my light! Also, as an aside, I don’t WANT to be Michelle Obama! Sure, she’s great and to be admired for sure, but she says herself that she had to hold down the household for many years during the beginning of their marriage . . .that ain’t me and it WON’T EVER be me! These men want a Michelle, but they’re far from a Barack! Tuh! Also, while I’m no fan of Nicki Minaj, I didn’t like the comparison and the “shaming” of her. Compare Michelle to one of these kartrashian broads.
After that exchange, I felt . . .drained. I called my younger Son and told him what happened. I lamented the fact that I seem to be having a problem “making a real connection with anyone.” He said, “Mom, it’s your second day on the app.” I knew what he meant, but I meant in general. He said, “You’re going to attract all types of guys. Forget him.”
If I’m being truly honest, disappointing and bad experiences with men have caused me to shut down in the past, but this is a form of self-sabotage, IMO. I shut down and retreat into my little “safe haven” of solitude, but that’s not getting me any closer to my goal of meeting a man with whom I’m compatible. I’m going to stay in the game this time, as much as my instincts try to fight it. I certainly WILL NOT internalize negative encounters such as the one with this @#$$%!
I'm good though (great actually). I know how to affirm my worth.
Next up, the Sociopath. This is all in my first week!
I connected with the Narcissist (”P”) on my first, maybe second day on Hinge. He was alright looking . . .attractive enough, but I’d actually “liked” ” one of his statements about not dating anyone who has a roommate. I was fresh off of my interaction with the 35 y/o, so that resonated with me easily.
One thing I like about Hinge is that you can list your university, and “P” went to a “highly regarded” university. The prestige isn’t what attracted me to his profile, though I’ll admit to preferring college-educated men. Anywho, we exchange a bit of witty banter, and he asks for my number. He tries to call me that evening, but I’m on the phone with someone else , so I tell him that I’ll call him back shortly.I call him back and we start chatting. We establish a rapport easily. He’s an Attorney, but he doesn’t work as an Attorney . . .more of a Consultant. I don’t necessarily volunteer that I’m an Attorney with men up front. I’m certainly not ashamed, but I don’t like to lead with my accomplishments. I want them to try to impress me and not the other way around. I do tell him where I went for undergrad and grad school, but he doesn’t ask what my degrees are in, and I don’t volunteer. He’s from a solidly middle-class background, but according to him, he’s down to earth. I told him that I drive an old car to which I am very attached, lol. Lots and lots of witty banter, and I’m genuinely laughing. I ask how is it that he is single . . .he’s 41, lives in Buckhead, and supposedly does well for himself . . .and he’s aiight-looking. I told him I was asking because the women in Atlanta can be very aggressive about pursuing men . . .especially if they think they can secure “the bag.” He says that he’s “picky” (should’ve been a glaring red flag).
He asks about my social life, and I tell him that I admittedly don’t venture downtown that much, and where I live is not really a place for singles . . .it’s more so for families. I say that I’m changing that though.
We’re having a friendly little intellectual debate, and he says, “There’s only one Attorney on the phone.”
He says, “You’re an Attorney?”, and he now seems to be “impressed” with my credentials. Yadda, yadda, yadda . . .it was still a “good” conversation, and I was looking forward to getting to know him. He even sent me a picture of his new puppy, which he said I could be his “stepmom” if I played my cards right. I took this as a joke because I’m not auditioning for anyone. The next day is when stuff hit the fan.
He called me the next evening, and it started off fine. He was asking me some questions about my relationship with my sons. For the most part, I’m pretty good at keeping my cards close to my chest, but I shared a story of when I went through a rough patch with my older son. He asked probing questions, and at one point, I actually said to him, “I feel like I’m being really vulnerable right now”(but I was uncomfortable with that because he wasn’t really sharing anything with me). Anywho, we move on from that, but then he says to me, “I know your last name” and I say, “No you don’t . . .how?” I’d given him my real number, but I’d forgotten that it sometimes displays your real name on caller id. I ask him if he’d looked me up on the State Bar website, and he says, “I’m not telling you how I know.”(?!!!!) I kept asking how he knew, and he absolutely refused to tell me. I finally said, “Oh, you probably saw it on my caller id.” Y’all . . .I don’t like that . . .at all. I’d just shared some private details about my life (granted, it was my choice to share), but you’re essentially playing “Nah-nah-na-boo-boo” when I ask you a simple question . . .that you baited me with. I got a bad feeling about that, but we move on.
I tell him my weight, but he doesn’t believe it. I’m currently over 200 lbs., but I’m also 5’11”. He doesn’t believe me and asks to see a picture. Y’all . . .brace yourselves for real!!!!
I send him this picture taken of me in December in Tulum, Mexico. I bought the bodysuit and shorts off of “Pretty Little Things”, but decided to put a full-coverage strapless bra underneath like a bustier, because these tiddd-ays are 45, and not 25.
. I send him the pic, and the first thing he says is, “Why do you have your breasts out?”
I say, “I don’t have my breasts out. They are fully covered.” He says, “I want a Michelle, not a Nicki.”
I said, “That picture DOES NOT look Nicki-Minaj-ish . . .at all, and there is a wide chasm between Michelle Obama and Nicki Minaj. I feel like I’m being criticized by you, and I don’t like it. I wore that outfit because I was in Mexico and it was hot. I’m a grown woman . . . I’m 45. I sent it to you because I thought it looked cute, and I STILL think it looks cute!” (Sidenote, when I get my girls lifted, they WILL be out!!!!)
He said, “My woman would never wear that, or if she did, she wouldn’t be my woman. I mean, it looks cute, but what would make you think to wear that . . .like what would make you think that was okay?” Y’ALLLLLLL . . .I was losing my . . .stuff at this point, but trying to stay composed. He absolutely would NOT relent.
I said to him, “What autonomous individual is going to take kindly to being questioned like that? Like, WHO TF are you?!!!” What I REALLY wanted to say was,
!!!!
I told him that I feel like he has gaslighting tendencies, and this condescending
Again, he still would not relent. I finally say, “You know what “P”, goodnight.” I went to unmatch him, but he’d already unmatched me. Honestly, a part of me took so long to write this because that encounter disturbed my spirit SO MUCH! I was like, “This old
I’m SOOOOO thankful that I have done the work to recognize toxic and abusive behavior!!!! I didn’t have to open up about my sons, but I didn’t share too much. I will go back to holding my cards close to my chest though. I believe I allowed myself to be disarmed by his humor. Also, I first heard the term “negging” here on lhcf, and it was used by @CrackersPhinn. For those of you who don’t know, this is when someone will lowkey (and sometimes highkey) insult you to chip away at your self-esteem so that you start to seek their approval (which they never give). It’s VERY abusive!!!! If he didn’t like my outfit, he could’ve kept that to himself. By saying “his woman would never” and likening it to something Nicki Minaj would wear, he was setting the stage for me to prove my worth to him . . .which would’ve been perpetual and fruitless. Honestly, a lot of educated, high-earning black men think that they’re the prize . . .seriously. Fortunately for ME, I now fully know that I am THAT CHICK, and I quickly recognize and discard ANYONE who tries to dim or crush my light! Also, as an aside, I don’t WANT to be Michelle Obama! Sure, she’s great and to be admired for sure, but she says herself that she had to hold down the household for many years during the beginning of their marriage . . .that ain’t me and it WON’T EVER be me! These men want a Michelle, but they’re far from a Barack! Tuh! Also, while I’m no fan of Nicki Minaj, I didn’t like the comparison and the “shaming” of her. Compare Michelle to one of these kartrashian broads.
After that exchange, I felt . . .drained. I called my younger Son and told him what happened. I lamented the fact that I seem to be having a problem “making a real connection with anyone.” He said, “Mom, it’s your second day on the app.”
I knew what he meant, but I meant in general. He said, “You’re going to attract all types of guys. Forget him.”If I’m being truly honest, disappointing and bad experiences with men have caused me to shut down in the past, but this is a form of self-sabotage, IMO. I shut down and retreat into my little “safe haven” of solitude, but that’s not getting me any closer to my goal of meeting a man with whom I’m compatible. I’m going to stay in the game this time, as much as my instincts try to fight it. I certainly WILL NOT internalize negative encounters such as the one with this @#$$%!
I'm good though (great actually). I know how to affirm my worth.
Next up, the Sociopath. This is all in my first week!
dudes are like anti-maskers. As soon as you identify them for what they are, disengage. All they go do is blow pestilence in your direction. 
. Tell me why this ninja proceeds to tell my friends (as I found out later) that he doesn’t like girls who wear makeup and fake hair. He likes his women “natural” looking. A direct shot at me who was all decked out with my wig and makeup on fleek. He never said it to my face mind you. He proceeded to flirt with other chicks the rest of the night. So I moved on quickly and flirted and danced with other men too. Oh well. We never went out again. He was also broke and still living with his parents (I’m seeing a trend there like with the 35 y/o mentioned above). So I didn’t really lose anything there. 
If he’s about that life, he will step up, and “M” did. He asked if I wanted to get a drink, and I said sure. He asked if I had any suggestions, and I suggested Bonefish Grill. He said that he would’ve thought that I would’ve wanted to stick closer to the main highway that was not too far from us.. I said, “But what’s there?” I wasn’t trying to go to Applebee’s or Chili’s. I said, “Don’t worry, ain’t nobody trying to finesse you out of a seafood dinner.” Now, I kept it light and playful, but I definitely logged it. I’m sure men don’t want to get played by spending a lot of money on first dates, but that’s not my problem. I didn’t mind drinks (and appetizers if I felt like it) though for an initial meeting.
Anyway glad you trusted your instincts and exposed his lying a**. If you’re gonna lie to me at least make it be good. I’m insulted for you! 
