My SO Really Put HIs Foot in His Mouth !

[MyHeavenlyFatherKnows]

Dominican09, is it possible that you are not as sensitive to this comment because you yourself are latina? I mean, I'm married to a Dominican man and certain comments about African American men (which he is often mistaken for) do not hit him the same way because of his own identity....Just a theory. Not trying to get one of "those" questions started.


I sooooooooo need to get back to work!

 

[LBoogie]

as i sit hea n puff yet on anotha newport....i just thought of sumthin..

first of all chile, keep us posted cuz i'm curious to know how things turn out. hell, even if u gotta move back in wif momma n dem....do whatcha gotta do and be nobody's fool... especially a fool who don't think you good enuff to wife...

see, dis bama done made me mad, cuz see, he da type to hold u down, then as soon as yall breakup, he'll go out hea, meet some chick and marry her off da jump.....see, das dat bullshyt i be tellin yall bout...das how they do....

grab yo chirren, run for da hills and save ur life..seriously.... 7 years it waaay too long...hell anything ova 2 is too long. and puleez know that when a man say what's on his mind, he tellin da truth...understand that...phuck dat..i'd be gone...

I'm laughing because that's true as hell....BUT, I don't think it has anything to do with the man or woman who LEAVES one relationship and marries the next...it has to do with the fact the the person in the prior relationship was not who/what they wanted at the end of the day.

heck, almost every married person had an ex prior to their mate. Shoot, My last ex cussed me out when I *ahem...inadvertently ahem* added him to the list of people I sent wedding pics to. LOL. I mean, he had a ROYAL FIT via TEXT message. He didn't even know I was dating...let alone engaged and then married.

HE wasn't what I wanted. DH came along and dern skippy, I married him off the jump.

 

[Irresistible]

Ew, I know that comment had to hurt. I can see why some are saying that you shouldn't breakup over a silly comment, but given your history together, I just don't see how you can take it lightly. The fact that he would tell you he said it makes it worse. It shows he really does not respect you and is not seriously thinking of marrying you. Men can be dense sometimes, but geez, they usually "get it" after they are clubbed over the head with how stupid it was.

It is put up or shut up time for him. The only way I would even consider staying with him is if he immediately produced a ring AND set a definite date for the wedding. Also, lots of people go to the Justice of the Peace first and then save for a wedding later. The marriage is what's most important, not the wedding.

Shoot, I'm getting mad the more I type about this.

I personally wouldnt want to push marriage after him saying something like that

I wouldnt want to be married to someone like that at all

OP has a lot to think about now

I know she is in a lot of pain

:Rose: Doll-baby

Sorry , men are total jerks, but there are better ones out there.

Fight to stand for a man that would never dishonor you like this

if he never comes, then oh well , you stood and lived in honor of yourself which is priceless!

 

[Ediese]

okay... I am not pressed about getting married...if it happens then it happens, I'm still young and I don't mind having a live in lover!!

I think the OP (if she wants to) should shed some light about her relationship with her man. If she breaks up with him over this, I think there are more issues and this broke the deal off.

Hmm...hmmm...let's hope for your sake, you're not muttering the same thing 10 yrs, 4 kids later.

 

[JustKiya]

I totally get what you're saying. I've never understood this mentality. Why exactly are you waiting until your achieve these things again? How is being married going to get in the freaking way? I would think waiting to have kids would make more sense to me (again just speaking in general, not directed at this situation).

I was thinking of folks of a certain faith, who abstain before marriage, and don't use BC. In that particular situation, I can understand a little more choosing to wait to get married, because once that cat is out of the bag - well, honeymoon babies happen. And if you want to be a stay at home mother, or have an exceptionally heavy school/work load - I can understand that. A little.

I can even understand it from a man's POV, esp. if he is the kind of man who expects/demands that he will be the provider, and he is still in school and cannot yet afford a family - so he wishes to wait until he graduates and is a little more established.

In neither of those situations, however, would the engaged couple be living together, nor making babies together - because they would value marriage to each other - and if either of those things DID happen to pop up due to circumstances - there wouldn't be a 'wait' for the wedding, there would be two people going to the Justice of the Peace the Monday after those double lines showed up, or the morning before the mortgage/lease was signed.



*sigh*

So, I can see it happening - and working - sometimes.

This ain't one of those times. Esp. considering she ain't the right race of woman to be 'worthy' of being settled down with. Umph.

 

[LBoogie]

Thank you!! What the heck difference is it having a freaking marriage certificate? From what I've read, they've already been living the 'married' life anyway. Can't you still accomplish everything that you want after you're married? I never understood this mentality (just speaking in general). It's like people think that your life ends when you get married.

From my understanding, you can accomplish more. I NEVER bought the "career" excuse.

 

[LBoogie]

This thread has this Jill Scott song stuck in my head:

Yo I'm trippin right?
I heard you got married.
You got married?
That don't really...
It don't really make any sense.
I mean,
it's not like I didn't think you were
seeing other people or whatever
I mean,
I was seeing other people you know what this is
you know what it was
I can't say I really understand though..

 

[hopeful]

I don't have much to add as you have been give some very good advice. Just want to say how sorry I am. He really messed up.

 

[metro_qt]

From my understanding, you can accomplish more. I NEVER bought the "career" excuse.

LoL, isn't that why they say TWO heads are BETTER than one???
Makes perfect sense when it comes to goal and career achievement.

 

[mswoman]

Fact - What is in the heart will ALWAYS come out of the mouth. The Bible says what's done in the dark will come to the light.

You love him but listen to his heart, have a discussion and allow him to leave to marry the one he wants or to marry you..... There is some great advice that has already been given.

 

[BrownEyez22]

OP you received alot of good advice in this thread.

I just wanted to add keep in mind, being with someone for a long period of time does not= security or solidify a relationship.

That's what marriage is for and its still not even guaranteed then. Dudes can keep you around for years and then suddenly decide to bounce (look for his wife). You look up you've wasted time, dating pool is lacking water and everything else.

Another thing, he has gotten sloppy by even mentioning this to you, so I would expect to notice some changes on the horizon. Usually in situations like this dude wants you to at least think they'll marry you. He is letting it all hang out.

 

[Ediese]

This thread has this Jill Scott song stuck in my head:

Yo I'm trippin right?
I heard you got married.
You got married?
That don't really...
It don't really make any sense.
I mean,
it's not like I didn't think you were
seeing other people or whatever
I mean,
I was seeing other people you know what this is
you know what it was
I can't say I really understand though..

I love that song!

 

[krikit96]

It's just a lame excuse. Look... if you wait til your career is off the ground and you are out of school, it will be a long time coming.

And if you get out of school and your career is going, there'll be another excuse... OH! I wanna wait til we buy a house together.. OH! I think we should wait till we save up enough money for a big huge weddin... while you plan for this one, he'll be sittin back chillin talking bout "have it however you want"

Once you finish planning for this big wedding, your kids will be ready to go to college, so you'll have to save the money you had for your wedding deposit on the kids books and stuff...

Mmm mmm girl - nope. That is not the bizness right there.

If you don't do it now, you'll never do it... there will always be some excuse or "reason" why you should wait. Pretty soon you'll be feeling like you are too old to get somebody else... strike while the iron is hott! You are beautiful, don't waste that on him... If he realizes he really DOES want you, he will find you, propose to you, and get himself together before he LOSES you...

 

[song_of_serenity]

What makes me upset is that he didn't even acknowledge how HURTFUL he was to the OP.
I could understand "Ok, I see what you mean, babe. You're a black woman and did good by me so me putting you under that wide umbrella was disrespectful."

But geeze, even after she tried to do the "If I said the same about a white man" scenario, he STILL acted like he didn't get it? Yes, ACTED. Cause he knew darn right he's wrong, wrong, WRONG!

 

[Dominican09]

Dominican09, is it possible that you are not as sensitive to this comment because you yourself are latina? I mean, I'm married to a Dominican man and certain comments about African American men (which he is often mistaken for) do not hit him the same way because of his own identity....Just a theory. Not trying to get one of "those" questions started.


I sooooooooo need to get back to work!

Not at all!! I honestly think people are trying to look too deep into the situation. I strongly believe that a family should not be broken up over comments, it doesn't matter if he wanted to be with a martian! Its a matter of weighing the entire relationship against that incident.

 

[MissYocairis]

Nope. U right.

So seven years, a couple of kids, and having a woman at home every night is not settling down to him? Not on that path?

Ummm hmmmm.

What's worse is not that he said it but that he felt the need to tell you what he said.

That's the part that really gets me. It shows he is well aware of real "settling down"....and real settling down = MARRIAGE and, until that is done, you haven't actually settled down....you aren't a unit yet.....and, while he has probably sat around pretending that what you and he are doing is as good as "settling down", he has told on his dam self and admitted that he doesn't actually consider it that.

 

[Ediese]

You know what...this situation is really sad. I know we've all had those moments where we looked back and wondered what the heck we were thinking. I know I have. I've made it my personal mission to not date a man for longer than a year if I felt that we weren't moving in the right direction. I've ended all of my relationships about that time for that same reason. It's always been hard for me to look back, and think about wasting one freaking year of my life when I could have been with the one that God meant for me. During the first 6 weeks of my current relationship, my SO said that I could expect a ring if we made it to a year. lol At this stage in my life, I don't expect anything less from any man. We all need to develop this kind of attitude or something similar. We deserve more.

So, OP, I can't imagine how you feel after being in this relationship for 7 years. I'm really sorry that you're experiencing this. I truly hope that you come out victorious at the end of this.

 

[bimbabe]

OP you got some really great advice here.
He was rude and disrespectful...I wouldn't jump the gun and move out UNLESS there was a pattern of behaviour/disrespect that happened before this incident. Were there any clues or signals that indicated to you before that your SO does not really see you as his life partner? If so....you know whatchu gotta do.

 

[Spidergul]

What makes me upset is that he didn't even acknowledge how HURTFUL he was to the OP.
I could understand "Ok, I see what you mean, babe. You're a black woman and did good by me so me putting you under that wide umbrella was disrespectful."

But geeze, even after she tried to do the "If I said the same about a white man" scenario, he STILL acted like he didn't get it? Yes, ACTED. Cause he knew darn right he's wrong, wrong, WRONG!

This is my problem as well. I would just consider him dense if he would have least understood and apologized, but to try and make it seem like she was trippin!? That beats all and all bets are off!

 

[Dominican09]

Hmm...hmmm...let's hope for your sake, you're not muttering the same thing 10 yrs, 4 kids later.

I have already been married before..."been there, done that"...to me people should get married when they want to, if they want to wait 20 years, it doesn't matter, as long as they are happy...I am not hyped up about marriage because I already know what is like and I'm living as such...especially after I married my ex after a year...he proposed on the ninth month...I left him after 3 years...Needless to say, I am a strong advocate to wait and live together as long as you need to!!

Also,
A person have many faces and I want to know all of them (this takes time) before I can devote my life to that person. I believe in family and I pray that when I have a family, we stay together!

 

[krikit96]

You know what...this situation is really sad. I know we've all had those moments where we looked back and wondered what the heck we were thinking. I know I have. I've made it my personal mission to not date a man for longer than a year if I felt that we weren't moving in the right direction. I've ended all of my relationships about that time for that same reason. It's always been hard for me to look back, and think about wasting one freaking year of my life when I could have been with the one that God meant for me. During the first 6 weeks of my current relationship, my SO said that I could expect a ring if we made it to a year. lol At this stage in my life, I don't expect anything less from any man. We all need to develop this kind of attitude or something similar. We deserve more.

So, OP, I can't imagine how you feel after being in this relationship for 7 years. I'm really sorry that you're experiencing this. I truly hope that you come out victorious at the end of this.

And coming out victorious doesn't necessarily mean you two stay together either... just be advised... you could end up separating and that being the best thing for the both of you... Lord knows if I am happy with my husband but he isn't happy with me, I don't want to be with him if he ain't happy... I want us BOTH to be happy...

He may really be happier with a latina chick and that's why he said it.. My husband has said stuff like he likes long brown hair... My hair is long, but it ain't brown, and I ain't bout to dye it either, but he didn't just flat out say he likes long brown hair on light skinned chicks or latinas which is something I could NEVER do or be...

And he married me anyways... despite my hair color, because he LOVED me and wanted us to be a COMPLETE FAMILY. You and your SO are not FAMILY. So if you want your FAMILY, then you are doing yourself a big disservice by staying here in a comfort zone that is not promising you the real family life and security you want...

What if one of your daughters told you this situation happened to them... what would you want them to do...???

 

[MissYocairis]

I would be hurt beyond words...

I think I would have to leave for a few weeks and let him take care of the kids and the house while I was sipping on drinks somewhere in the sun...

Disrespectful and hurtful

ITA!!!!!!!! Disappear! And, it needs to be for at LEAST 7 days if not 14. ALONE.

 

[Ediese]

I have already been married before..."been there, done that"...to me people should get married when they want to, if they want to wait 20 years, it doesn't matter, as long as they are happy...I am not hyped up about marriage because I already know what is like and I'm living as such...especially after I married my ex after a year...he proposed on the ninth month...I left him after 3 years...Needless to say, I am a strong advocate to wait and live together as long as you need to!!

Ahhh...I see what you're saying then.

 

[Summer_Rain]

You know what...this situation is really sad. I know we've all had those moments where we looked back and wondered what the heck we were thinking. I know I have. I've made it my personal mission to not date a man for longer than a year if I felt that we weren't moving in the right direction. I've ended all of my relationships about that time for that same reason. It's always been hard for me to look back, and think about wasting one freaking year of my life when I could have been with the one that God meant for me. During the first 6 weeks of my current relationship, my SO said that I could expect a ring if we made it to a year. lol At this stage in my life, I don't expect anything less from any man. We all need to develop this kind of attitude or something similar. We deserve more.

So, OP, I can't imagine how you feel after being in this relationship for 7 years. I'm really sorry that you're experiencing this. I truly hope that you come out victorious at the end of this.

This is so true Ediese! I totally believe that we have to not only learn from our own experiences, but the experiences of others as well.


I had two ppl tell me the other day that I need to fall back a little something regarding how honest I am with men, upfront - when it comes to my ideals & requirements for marriage. I will tell a man early on that my ultimate goal from a serious LTR is marriage, and more 'sooner' than later. No need to be all 2 and 3 yrs in it and still my "boyfriend". Particularly at my age (31).

I'm like, ok...whatev. You do you and Im gonna do me

 

[MissYocairis]

We have talked about marriage, and he says that he is not ready to get married. I have never really pushed the issue because I wanted finish school, and start my career first.

After SEVEN years? I just told you to leave for 14 days but I'm now thinking you should go ahead and KIM permanently. Read the book, "He's Just Not that Into You". Don't waste another moment of your pretty on this man!

 

[Dominican09]

This is so true Ediese! I totally believe that we have to not only learn from our own experiences, but the experiences of others as well.


I had two ppl tell me the other day that I need to fall back a little something regarding how honest I am with men, upfront - when it comes to my ideals & requirements for marriage. I will tell a man early on that my ultimate goal from a serious LTR is marriage, and more 'sooner' than later. No need to be all 2 and 3 yrs in it and still my "boyfriend". Particularly at my age (31).

I'm like, ok...whatev. You do you and Im gonna do me

ooooh thats a good idea!!!

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

I'm just up in here thanking everyone else's comments, as I am at a complete loss for words.

You laid up with someone for seven years, had babies, living together, but you STILL aren't ready to get married?

GTFOOHWTBS

 

[Maracujá]

This is so hurtful and disrespectful OP, doesn't matter whether you signed a paper together or not. Whatever you decide, make sure you put your child(ren) first.

 

[onyxdreams]

Please finish your personal plans before you decide when enough is enough.

AND THERE IT IS,Please make arrangements before making your move. I DO think he laid his cards on the table and told you exactly what he was thinking and who he is wahting on.He is still waiting for "something Better" to come along.While you think your settle he doesn't and to add insult to injury he doesn't understand what he said that was wrong.

I'm sorry you are going through this but please believe,you deserve better.

 

[Dominican09]

I'm just up in here thanking everyone else's comments, as I am at a complete loss for words.

You laid up with someone for seven years, had babies, living together, but you STILL aren't ready to get married?

GTFOOHWTBS

Is her choice! she and he are entitled to wait and marry when they please erplexed; To some people having kids would speed up the process but not everybody is like that...I look at the positive side of the situation...they are raising their babies together!