My SO Really Put HIs Foot in His Mouth !

[Bachelorette]

Exactly. Just ask Lala Vazquez...she's been calling Carmelo Anthony her fiance for years now. She looks dumb as hell.

Lol. she sure does

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

Is her choice! she and he are entitled to wait and marry when they please erplexed; To some people having kids would speed up the process but not everybody is like that...I look at the positive side of the situation...they are raising their babies together!

Clearly it's not her choice or she wouldn't have been asking him about getting married for him to tell her he wasn't ready.

 

[growth2come]

WOW...seriously I wondered what goes on in men's little brains. I can understand why you would be hurt, that was a STUPID thing to say. I am sure it has opened up a whole lotta question for you. I think you need a chat with this dude. Seven years is a long time and for him to say such a thing as if he has yet to find "miss latina" to settle down with would hurt and the fact that you guys have kids as well would make me you wonder if its all been a lie. Yes men can be stupid and in most case dont grow up but thats what we have to put up with. You have lived with this man for 7 years I am sure you know him well enough to know if this was something he said in front of his friends to try and act cool in front of them...and was merely repeating what he said in that conversation....(I am not dismissing that you should not be hurt by this...)

Have a chat before you start getting your suitcases....

 

[onyxdreams]

I just don't think now is the time to bring up marriage,let say you back him into a corner and get married.I know I would always believe he thought I was second rate.

Men can be so flip with their comments but please believe they know what their saying.It's funny how the other guys were defending black women but the one with a good black woman wants someone else.

 

[firecracker]

From what I read they have dicussed getting married but she said she would do it after she finishes school and start a career. I can relate to her on that because I am doing the same. I've been living with my boyfriend for 4 years and I don't want to think about wedding until I am done with that.

I read the OP as saying they talked about marriage, he said he wasn't ready and then she made the I'm in school so it cool right now settlement to herself. I think dude is a dumb arse for saying that mess and they are basically married without the paper.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Because it's their personal choice....simple as that.

It is a personal choice... I'm not arguing that it's a wrong choice. It just makes no sense to get a partner and a FAMILY... yet say because you're not "married" to that partner, that you're not settled. Once you make a family and shack, you're settled. Period.

 

[Dominican09]

I read the OP as saying they talked about marriage, he said he wasn't ready and then she made the I'm in school so it cool right now settlement to herself. I think dude is a dumb arse for saying that mess and they are basically married without the paper.

I knowww!!!! and you know what...giving that much power to a comment is serious...that comment would have so much power over you that you would brake the home?...shoot knowing me, I would have been..."really?, I think for me, a white man would be the best person to settle with" and if he gets mad for me saying that, I would have been, "I just wanted to stir up our conversation, see! gotcha!! Give him something to think about.

 

[firecracker]

And to Firecracker why should she chalk it up if she's clearly not appreciated for what she does and has been to him. No woman should settle for anything from a man when she is being mistreated whether or not kids are involved.. If she chooses to act on what he said they should definitely maintain some type of relationship for the sake of the kids but she should not stay somewhere where she is not appreciated..

Again just MY opinion..

Cuzzzzzzzzzzz she don waited all this damn time she may as well wait a lil longer to be sure she can rightfully provide for those babies and don't starve to death. Helz she made this bed it won't hurt to lie down a lil longer for a good cause aka get yo education, money right yada yada yada.

I still think she should give him the runs for running his dumb trap like that. What a fool he is!

 

[Britt]

You know what...this situation is really sad. I know we've all had those moments where we looked back and wondered what the heck we were thinking. I know I have. I've made it my personal mission to not date a man for longer than a year if I felt that we weren't moving in the right direction. I've ended all of my relationships about that time for that same reason. It's always been hard for me to look back, and think about wasting one freaking year of my life when I could have been with the one that God meant for me. During the first 6 weeks of my current relationship, my SO said that I could expect a ring if we made it to a year. lol At this stage in my life, I don't expect anything less from any man. We all need to develop this kind of attitude or something similar. We deserve more.

DITTO ! There is NO WAY I am going to spend years w/ a dude anymore and I don't even have an inclination that he's someone I can marry... Nah, those years are over!... 1 yr tops to really evaluate the relationship. If after 1 yr I don't like how things are going.... I think that's good time to leave . I think once you reach your mid-late 20s you shouldn't be spending yearssss on end w/ a dude who's a waste of time . One of my biggest regrets is spending 3.5 yrs of my precious 20s w/ a loser who doesn't even deserve to have a fly shyt on him . Sorry, I'm not playing dolly house w/o even the discussion of marriage. Not that I'm in a 'rush' but I think 1 yr is good time to really see which direction the relationship is going. I don't know if I'm jumping the gun, but I look at SO's qualities to see if he has the potential to be a good husband, and I look at his qualities to see if I could deal w/ it in a marriage. I told him fr jump street I'm not out there looking to just sleep w/ dudes.. my dyck quota has expired, i'm not looking for that. I want to find someone I can be serious w/and settle down with.

This is so true Ediese! I totally believe that we have to not only learn from our own experiences, but the experiences of others as well.


I had two ppl tell me the other day that I need to fall back a little something regarding how honest I am with men, upfront - when it comes to my ideals & requirements for marriage. I will tell a man early on that my ultimate goal from a serious LTR is marriage, and more 'sooner' than later. No need to be all 2 and 3 yrs in it and still my "boyfriend". Particularly at my age (31).

I'm like, ok...whatev. You do you and Im gonna do me

Ditto as well, the older you get, you don't have time to lolligag in a fruitless relationship, especially if you want to settle down and have kid(s). A good friend of mine is messing w/ dude that she's been messing w/ on and off for over a year. I ask her if she sees herself settling down w/ him, and she says no, but she's still playing dolly house w/ him . I told her nicely, you're 30, if you don't really and truly see a future w/ him you really should move on, at the very least, start dating other people. After a year, his brother doesn't even know he's dating you, his mother has never formally met you, and all the crap you've been thru... you're getting way tooo old for this mess.. you are 30 not 25... time is ticking. I think as you get into your late 20s certain things you should def know, it's like you are suppose to have gone thru all your bullshyt w/ dudes already. Don't settle when you're 28,29,30 + ...

 

[msa]

Is her choice! she and he are entitled to wait and marry when they please erplexed; To some people having kids would speed up the process but not everybody is like that...I look at the positive side of the situation...they are raising their babies together!

I despise this mentality.

 

[Lenee925]

doll-baby I kind of see this as an opportunity. Sometimes we just need the momentum to push us out of a relationship that's not bad but isn't 'great' either. The "settled down" comment was the thing that got me. Take this for what it is. An opportunity to get what you really deserve.

 

[firecracker]

I personally wouldnt want to push marriage after him saying something like that

I wouldnt want to be married to someone like that at all

Hell she got bambinos by the fool along with wasted away damn near a decade so she is kinda stuck for 18 years and possible more.

 

[Country gal]

I would move on because he said what he really felt. No use in back peddling now.

 

[Dominican09]

I despise this mentality.

Too bad sweetie! But is my mentality and I am sticking to it!

 

[Ediese]

DITTO ! There is NO WAY I am going to spend years w/ a dude anymore and I don't even have an inclination that he's someone I can marry... Nah, those years are over!... 1 yr tops to really evaluate the relationship. If after 1 yr I don't like how things are going.... I think that's good time to leave . I think once you reach your mid-late 20s you shouldn't be spending yearssss on end w/ a dude who's a waste of time . One of my biggest regrets is spending 3.5 yrs of my precious 20s w/ a loser who doesn't even deserve to have a fly shyt on him . Sorry, I'm not playing dolly house w/o even the discussion of marriage. Not that I'm in a 'rush' but I think 1 yr is good time to really see which direction the relationship is going. I don't know if I'm jumping the gun, but I look at SO's qualities to see if he has the potential to be a good husband, and I look at his qualities to see if I could deal w/ it in a marriage. I told him fr jump street I'm not out there looking to just sleep w/ dudes.. my dyck quota has expired, i'm not looking for that. I want to find someone I can be serious w/and settle down with.

ITA!!!!! I don't think you're jumping the gun at all. If you're' looking to settle down/get married, why even commit yourself to someone that's not on the same page as you? I definitely agree with you! It makes too much sense. I'm 25, and I'm no longer interested in dating just to date. Those days are long gone.

 

[firecracker]

Is her choice! she and he are entitled to wait and marry when they please erplexed; To some people having kids would speed up the process but not everybody is like that...I look at the positive side of the situation...they are raising their babies together!

Calm yo arse down I'm gon have to break the glass for the red "FIRE OUT" container!

 

[Lenee925]

Is her choice! she and he are entitled to wait and marry when they please erplexed; To some people having kids would speed up the process but not everybody is like that...I look at the positive side of the situation...they are raising their babies together!

I do think folks are being a tad judgmental about her being shacked up with kids. If she doesn't want to get married she doesn't have to. The kids are already here so what should she do?... The thing is that he clearly said he had not intentions of settling down with anyone who wasn't a Latina broad. Time to step and next time put a ring on it.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Well there you go. Your comments make sense now.

Chill. I mean , I don't agree with Dominican09's comment either, but at the same time, that's just a risk she chooses to take. I don't know of D09 has children, like doll-baby does. . . but the big significance is D09 not explicitly stating she's ready to get married. doll-baby clearly was mislead to feel there was a future with this man... who obviously let his feelings be known. He obviously wants her to leave, but won't do the work so he can't be the bad guy. the problem with doll's SO is the fact that he created a home and a family, but because he chooses not to consider himself settled, despite the fact he rears children and pays bills with her is way more troubling, over a $30 court document.

 

[msa]

Too bad sweetie! But is my mentality and I am sticking to it!

I have no quarrel with that, like I said I despise the mentality, not the person.

I just wish more people, the black community especially, would let go of the idea that living together with children=married. They are not equivalent and they have far different outcomes for children.

Maybe if we recognized that a couple generations ago we wouldn't have so many black babies being born to single parents and broken homes right now.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I knowww!!!! and you know what...giving that much power to a comment is serious...that comment would have so much power over you that you would brake the home?...shoot knowing me, I would have been..."really?, I think for me, a white man would be the best person to settle with" and if he gets mad for me saying that, I would have been, "I just wanted to stir up our conversation, see! gotcha!! Give him something to think about.

I think the fact that she's black... and he's talking about wanting a latina wife is the stinging icing on the cake. "You're good enough to cook, clean and have babies for me, but not for the "legal respect" we've spoken about..." is his message, whether he meant it or not.

I admit I've gone off on DH for less. If I feel disrespected, and I react to it, then you will hear it and I will dare you to act on it.

 

[Ivonnovi]

You are right he really did put his foot in his mouth.

Is this type of thoughtlessness typical of him? If so, God Bless You. If not then ya'll need counseling...to figure out when to "settle down".


I severed a not-to similiar-tie in my past. After 11 years of dating off&on, he still did not know what he wanted to do. My statement: I will not be your perpetual girlfriend you are either "IN" or you are OUT. He chose out.
I immediately let go and moved on. (with the mindset that he's not going to marry me, he's just riding out the good years to "depreciate my value; of course I had to learn to "value" myself myself.)

Now for your case. (Just My Opinion)

7 years of bill paying and baby making and cohabitating?...and he can 2x open his mouth to say "When "I" settle down "I" want.......".
That tells me he's just playing house with "you". In the words of Dr. Laura (sorta) You are a warm place to put it "right now". Or you are simiply just Miss RightNow.​

 

[Maracujá]

I have no quarrel with that, like I said I despise the mentality, not the person.

I just wish more people, the black community especially, would let go of the idea that living together with children=married. They are not equivalent and they have far different outcomes for children.

Maybe if we recognized that a couple generations ago we wouldn't have so many black babies being born to single parents and broken homes right now.

Are you saying that a man that signs a paper and swears before God, family and friends that he will be with you till death do you part is more trustworthy than one who doesn't?

 

[song_of_serenity]

I knowww!!!! and you know what...giving that much power to a comment is serious...that comment would have so much power over you that you would brake the home?...shoot knowing me, I would have been..."really?, I think for me, a white man would be the best person to settle with" and if he gets mad for me saying that, I would have been, "I just wanted to stir up our conversation, see! gotcha!! Give him something to think about.

Did you even read what she said. SHE DID SAY THAT.

He thinks that I am over reacting, but he just doesn't understand I tried to use the analogy of me telling my friends that I would want to settle down with a white man (even though I have a perfectly good black man at home) and it totally flew over his head.

Guess what? Didn't matter at all. So 'giving him something to think about' when he doesn't care enough to THINK OR CARE isn't worth a hill of beans.

 

[Dominican09]

I have no quarrel with that, like I said I despise the mentality, not the person.

I just wish more people, the black community especially, would let go of the idea that living together with children=married. They are not equivalent and they have far different outcomes for children.

Maybe if we recognized that a couple generations ago we wouldn't have so many black babies being born to single parents and broken homes right now.

I completely agree with you. My comment was in reference to their particular situation and shed some light on the positive. Even though she can still end up by herself but for the last seven years they have been together.

 

[Dominican09]

Did you even read what she said. SHE DID SAY THAT.

Great minds think alike!!...but I missed that part though!

 

[STLCoverGirl]

Where's the OP? A lot of great advice has been given, some of it I really needed to hear today.

 

[NYAmicas]

I already knew what posters would say OP and I agree with the majority.

Just offering *Hugs*.

 

[JustKiya]

Are you saying that a man that signs a paper and swears before God, family and friends that he will be with you till death do you part is more trustworthy than one who doesn't?

The one who puts it in writing appears to be more trustworthy than the one who doesn't, yes. Don't nothing but time truly prove a persons trustworthiness - he might marry you, and still be sloring around every Friday night. Look at Mr. & Mrs. McNair's sad situation

The OP planned on getting married - which, is any culture is considered 'settling down'. The OP's boyfriend just told her if he decides to settle down, he will do so with a latina woman.

*blink* I don't even understand how folks are not understanding that he just told the mother of his children that he has no plans on marrying her, despite knowing that she planned on marrying him, and that he doesn't believe that he is 'settled' right now - despite their seven years history and children. Well.

Now, if she wants to get married, he just told her he ain't her dude. If she's happy continuing to live as bf/gf with their lovely children - then he is her dude.

Or he'll be her dude until he meets the latina chick that he wants to marry, and then the girlfriend will be the ex and the kids will be child support checks.

See. That's my thing with this whole thing. He's told her, to her face, that's she's just filling space until he meets this other woman. And if he never meets this other woman, he's happy to keep 'playing house' her for the rest of his life - but not marriage. No. Because then, the expectation is they are together for life, not just together til I find a latina to be my wife.

Talk about building your house upon sand and not rocks.

 

[song_of_serenity]

The OP hasn't been on since the afternoon, so hopefully she may come into this thread and give her thoughts on all that's been said. If not, I agree, she got pretty good advice.

 

[Irresistible]

Hell she got bambinos by the fool along with wasted away damn near a decade so she is kinda stuck for 18 years and possible more.

True she will be dealing with him

but she is free to choose to not deal with him as her 'man' or husband

we all end up with a sorry mo-fo at one point or another

it aint best for the kids that she stay , if he wants ms hot tamale to settle down with

and sees her as inferior , with his lame $#%%