My SO Really Put HIs Foot in His Mouth !

[Dominican09]

I don't understand how a marriage certificate prevents you from finishing school and starting a career.

Of all the reasons to not get married, that's got to be one of the - most confusing.

I could understand it more if you were thinking that as soon as you got married, you would start having kids - but she already has kids.

How exactly, will marriage negatively impact her/your educational or career paths?

No snarkiness, because I've heard this a couple of times, and I've always scratched my head over it.


And if you are waiting because you want to have a big, blowout wedding, and can't afford it...... well. No comment.

my reason for waiting is because I want to dedicate my time to planning my wedding since the wedding is going to be in Dom. Rep. I work and study full time and planning a wedding would add another thing on my shoulders...and I am picky.

BTW...I don't have kids.

 

[~VicTorIAn~]

None taken,
I understand where everybody is coming from...However, if it was me, I would not break my family over a comment; unless there is some hard evidence...I'm sorry is just not going to happen. I am not going to entice no one to leave their man over something like that...I think she should evaluate the bond between them and then decide wether this is the behavior he have shown for the past seven years.

And yes, men do stay and then leave and it happens all the time, but I don't think this is the case.

He basically told his Barbershop friends that he doesnt consider himself settled and he has yet to put a ring on the mother of his children's finger.

What more evidence would you need before you start worrying about your relationship? Another 7 years? An actual latin woman?

Sometimes we have to believe people. I'm definitely not saying she should leave him- but she should be prepared to leave should more "hard evidence" come to light.

 

[Love Always]

I do not want a man that doesn't want me...he made that very clear.

 

[msa]

From what I read they have dicussed getting married but she said she would do it after she finishes school and start a career. I can relate to her on that because I am doing the same. I've been living with my boyfriend for 4 years and I don't want to think about wedding until I am done with that.

Well there you go. Your comments make sense now.

 

[Bachelorette]

From what I read they have dicussed getting married but she said she would do it after she finishes school and start a career. I can relate to her on that because I am doing the same. I've been living with my boyfriend for 4 years and I don't want to think about wedding until I am done with that.

she said he's not interested in marriage

 

[JustKiya]

my reason for waiting is because I want to dedicate my time to planning my wedding since the wedding is going to be in Dom. Rep. I work and study full time and planning a wedding would add another thing on my shoulders...and I am picky.

BTW...I don't have kids.

Ah. So you are living like you are married, but won't get married, because the wedding is holding you back. I see.

Are you engaged, at least? I notice you called him your boyfriend and not your fiance.

 

[Spidergul]

I don't understand how a marriage certificate prevents you from finishing school and starting a career.

Of all the reasons to not get married, that's got to be one of the - most confusing.

I could understand it more if you were thinking that as soon as you got married, you would start having kids - but she already has kids.

How exactly, will marriage negatively impact her/your educational or career paths?

No snarkiness, because I've heard this a couple of times, and I've always scratched my head over it.

And if you are waiting because you want to have a big, blowout wedding, and can't afford it...... well. No comment.

ETA: Actually, no, I will comment. Weddings ain't ****. The marriage is what matters, and you can throw a party and do the white (or ivory ) dress anytime. But if you are ACTING like you are married, if you are creating a family like you are married, to say that you want to wait until you are done with something that won't be affected by marriage to get married is..... dumb. Sorry.

Well said Kiya.

 

[jaszymeen]

im sorry but i could not devote that many years of my life only to find out that he's not settled or ready to be married :|...well umm buddy what time frame is good for you? another 2 kids down the line? i dont think so nu unnnn

 

[Bachelorette]

Are you engaged, at least? I notice you called him your boyfriend and not your fiance.

same difference IMO. It's a new excuse. After a few years "my fiance my fiance" after 2 years is no better than "my bf/live-in lover"

 

[Spidergul]

Ah. So you are living like you are married, but won't get married, because the wedding is holding you back. I see.

Are you engaged, at least? I notice you called him your boyfriend and not your fiance.

Bolded makes all kinds of sense....

 

[LBoogie]

I believe that what he did was flat out disrespectful. Beware of a man who would disrespect you (even to just "stir up controversey" as Domincan09 wants us to believe) in front of his friends. That is NEVER cool.

You know, that's an entirely different issue (additional issue). A man disrespecting you in front of YOU is enough, but a man that talks trash about you, and defends it in front of others then has the gull to tell you about it....that's a man that doesn't give a rats behind about you....for real.

People will defend bad relationships, unhappy times, etc to the DEATH, in front of OTHER people then go home and be miserable. But someone that trashes a relationship in front of other people seriously, does not want to be there.

Even the rare times DH has pissed me off, no one else has known that...No one has needed to (then again, even I knew i was silly for being pissed off about some of the things I've been pissed off about ). And I couldn't IMAGINE ever going off on him behind his back or talking trash. Heck, if I did, I wouldn't go home and repeat it like "yeah, I said blah blah" and EVER expect things to be "ok."

 

[Irresistible]

ya'll takin them to school I see

Bolded makes all kinds of sense....

 

[msa]

same difference IMO. It's a new excuse. After a few years "my fiance my fiance" after 2 years is no better than "my bf/live-in lover"

Exactly. Just ask Lala Vazquez...she's been calling Carmelo Anthony her fiance for years now. She looks dumb as hell.

 

[luvn_life]

He basically told his Barbershop friends that he doesnt consider himself settled and he has yet to put a ring on the mother of his children's finger.

What more evidence would you need before you start worrying about your relationship? Another 7 years? An actual latin woman?

Sometimes we have to believe people. I'm definitely not saying she should leave him- but she should be prepared to leave should more "hard evidence" come to light.

BINGO!!! That's the million dollar answer... he said IF he was to settle down. Meaning that he doesn't consider himself settled already. You don't have to be married to be settled, especially when you're basically married without the papers.

She could excuse it as an idiotic statement, but I don't know how easy that would be for me.

 

[LunadeMiel]

Ah. So you are living like you are married, but won't get married, because the wedding is holding you back. I see.

Are you engaged, at least? I notice you called him your boyfriend and not your fiance.

Never in my life have I undestood this waiting for marriage until I get my career started mess. I would understand if someone said I'm waiting to mature... *le sigh*

OP I too dated someone for many years, while I waited for him to realize that I was the one *shivers at my own stupidity*. Long story, looking back I saw how he made it VERY clear to me that he was not interested in marrying ME. Honestly I think I made it too easy for him. While I was not a ride a die chick.. I gave him priviledges that only a husband should receive.

Now that I'm seeing someone new (well.. he's not actually new ) I'm being shown how a real man behaves. In the past few weeks that we've been together he has made his intentions VERY clear to me AND his family (marriage is his destination so I better hop on board ).

Don't let this man fool you!!!!

 

[Irresistible]

You know, that's an entirely different issue (additional issue). A man disrespecting you in front of YOU is enough, but a man that talks trash about you, and defends it in front of others then has the gull to tell you about it....that's a man that doesn't give a rats behind about you....for real.

People will defend bad relationships, unhappy times, etc to the DEATH, in front of OTHER people then go home and be miserable. But someone that trashes a relationship in front of other people seriously, does not want to be there.

Even the rare times DH has pissed me off, no one else has known that...No one has needed to (then again, even I knew i was silly for being pissed off about some of the things I've been pissed off about ). And I couldn't IMAGINE ever going off on him behind his back or talking trash. Heck, if I did, I wouldn't go home and repeat it like "yeah, I said blah blah" and EVER expect things to be "ok."

This is what grown folks do

 

[JustKiya]

same difference IMO. It's a new excuse. After a few years "my fiance my fiance" after 2 years is no better than "my bf/live-in lover"

erplexed At least it seems to indicate that both parties are on the same page. A man saying he wants to marry you, and a man proposing to you are two very, very, very different things. Esp. if he makes the effort to go out and buy a ring, too.

And I think a lot of women today don't see - or choose to ignore - the significant difference between the two. Esp. when the relationship is far from 'new', and they are living like they are married.

But, hey, different strokes for different folks, eh?

 

[MyHeavenlyFatherKnows]

Not to be rude, I'm just curious. What's the difference between marriage and the current arrangement between you and your SO for 7 years?

There is a difference. Which I think he put her on to.

Marriage is a contract between you, your spouse and God.

Living together is ....living together. No disrespect OP and I of course do not want to demean your situation.

Your life should not stop or be on pause once you get married...it should be enriched.

OP, I'm concerned about the children...they need to be secure in who they are

 

[Dominican09]

okay... I am not pressed about getting married...if it happens then it happens, I'm still young and I don't mind having a live in lover!!

I think the OP (if she wants to) should shed some light about her relationship with her man. If she breaks up with him over this, I think there are more issues and this broke the deal off.

 

[song_of_serenity]

OP, is this the first time he's ever expressed these views and black women? Because I can't see someone speaking out so bold and playing devil's advocate and trying to give a contrasting point of view unless it is something the TRULY believe in. He could have stated all that, fine, but when he threw in his "Personally, I'm not gonna settle till I get me a latina woman.." it doesn't sit well with me, all things considered.

7 years. Children. No ring. Doesn't wanna get married yet. But states that he will "settle" ONCE he gets that latina chick. You aren't latina or even half. Do you see where this is going?

Sometimes the writing's on the wall and we try our hardest not to read it. I hope in this situation, it isn't what it appears to be, but some things got lost in translation. I'm more inclined to believe the former.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

as i sit hea n puff yet on anotha newport....i just thought of sumthin..

first of all chile, keep us posted cuz i'm curious to know how things turn out. hell, even if u gotta move back in wif momma n dem....do whatcha gotta do and be nobody's fool... especially a fool who don't think you good enuff to wife...

see, dis bama done made me mad, cuz see, he da type to hold u down, then as soon as yall breakup, he'll go out hea, meet some chick and marry her off da jump.....see, das dat bullshyt i be tellin yall bout...das how they do....

grab yo chirren, run for da hills and save ur life..seriously.... 7 years it waaay too long...hell anything ova 2 is too long. and puleez know that when a man say what's on his mind, he tellin da truth...understand that...phuck dat..i'd be gone...

 

[Msstarr718]

We have talked about marriage, and he says that he is not ready to get married. I have never really pushed the issue because I wanted finish school, and start my career first.

Op just my opinion but I dont see what finishing school and starting a career has to do with getting married... If you would have said you wanted to wait to have kids so that you could finish school and start your career then I could understand that. But if two people love eachother that much and wanna profess their love infront of the lord then a career nor school has nothing to do with it.. To me it sounds like your making excuses for him not being ready to get married.. Im not the type of person to put a time limit on things but 7 years and children I mean come on.. And for him to say those things around his homies and then come home and repeat it to you was absolute violation. He was clearly not thinking of your feelings.. I would definitely reevaluate the relationship and what exactly you mean to him for him to even think some nonsense like that and actually let it part from his lips...

And to Firecracker why should she chalk it up if she's clearly not appreciated for what she does and has been to him. No woman should settle for anything from a man when she is being mistreated whether or not kids are involved.. If she chooses to act on what he said they should definitely maintain some type of relationship for the sake of the kids but she should not stay somewhere where she is not appreciated..

Again just MY opinion..

 

[Ediese]

i agree with a lot of the posts in here. the comment was pretty juvinile, and very disrespectful to you, and the union that you guys DO share.

to be honest, i would have left a few years back.. when i realized that the relationship wasn't headed towards a marriage. i've never understood why people had a list of certain things they wanted to finish before they sign that marriage cirtificate. you can be married, and acomplish anything that you desire.. but, this thread isn't about what *i* would do.

Thank you!! What the heck difference is it having a freaking marriage certificate? From what I've read, they've already been living the 'married' life anyway. Can't you still accomplish everything that you want after you're married? I never understood this mentality (just speaking in general). It's like people think that your life ends when you get married.

 

[caltron]

Ew, I know that comment had to hurt. I can see why some are saying that you shouldn't breakup over a silly comment, but given your history together, I just don't see how you can take it lightly. The fact that he would tell you he said it makes it worse. It shows he really does not respect you and is not seriously thinking of marrying you. Men can be dense sometimes, but geez, they usually "get it" after they are clubbed over the head with how stupid it was.

It is put up or shut up time for him. The only way I would even consider staying with him is if he immediately produced a ring AND set a definite date for the wedding. Also, lots of people go to the Justice of the Peace first and then save for a wedding later. The marriage is what's most important, not the wedding.

Shoot, I'm getting mad the more I type about this.

 

[krikit96]

Sweetie...

I know you have kids... and it makes it more complicated... I agree, you should start planning and saving money in a bank account he doesn't know about because he did put his foot in his mouth... BY LETTING YOU KNOW WHAT HE FEELS!

He realized after you got mad that he made a mistake by telling YOU-I would plan my escape. Then the cavalier way he is going on about it by not apologizing and acting like YOU are the one trippin... that is such an OLD TRICK! My brother told me that whenever you are with a guy and he either starts an argument over nothing, or transfers the blame on you for HIS wrong doing, he's up to something - which he is in this case...

I'd kick him out, or save up to move and one day when he's at work, move. Be gone when he's there - and tell him he is free to look for his latina, but he is no longer allowed to waste your time... you can't receive a man who truly appreciates and loves and WANTS you until you are out of this relationship.

My husband knew he wanted to marry me before we even started dating. We had a baby before marriage, but I didn't move in with him. I spent every other weekend at his house and I called myself giving him a TASTE of the married life... but sunday night I went back home with our son...

We married when the baby was 2 years old... We now have a 5, 3 and 1 year old and have been married for 4 years this november... So, having kids with you, living with you, living the married life with you isn't enough for your man to feel he should make it official. Something is NOT right.

We got married at the justice of the peace and moved in together a week later into a townhouse we found... There is no reason for you two not to be married... I finished my degree and he kept his career moves going, the only thing that changed was that piece of paper - and it actually made it easier being married because we can do more things as a married couple.

Just think about the way it happened - God allowed you to see the real deal... you better take heed...

Sorry for the long post...

 

[Summer_Rain]

I think the OP (if she wants to) should shed some light about her relationship with her man. If she breaks up with him over this, I think there are more issues and this broke the deal off.

Well he laid out the issues (in no particular order):

1. He wants a latina
2. He isn't sure if he wants to settle down
3. he's cool with disrespecting the mother of his children in front of friends and strangers
4. He's cool with telling her (thus disrespecting her) about how he disrespected her in front of dudes at the barbershop
5. After 7 years - he still doesnt consider himself 'settled'


Doll-Baby, if you don't mind me asking - do you have daughters? Not that this behavior would be any better if you only had sons - but please please remember that you are(as well as their father) helping them establish a low standard very early on

 

[Summer_Rain]

Also - another question Doll-Baby is your boyfriend black? Not sure if you mentioned it already but I just assumed he was but then it hit me....my white guy friend goes to a black barbershop too. lol

 

[Ediese]

I don't understand how a marriage certificate prevents you from finishing school and starting a career.

Of all the reasons to not get married, that's got to be one of the - most confusing.

I could understand it more if you were thinking that as soon as you got married, you would start having kids - but she already has kids.

How exactly, will marriage negatively impact her/your educational or career paths?

No snarkiness, because I've heard this a couple of times, and I've always scratched my head over it.

And if you are waiting because you want to have a big, blowout wedding, and can't afford it...... well. No comment.

ETA: Actually, no, I will comment. Weddings ain't ****. The marriage is what matters, and you can throw a party and do the white (or ivory ) dress anytime. But if you are ACTING like you are married, if you are creating a family like you are married, to say that you want to wait until you are done with something that won't be affected by marriage to get married is..... dumb. Sorry.

I totally get what you're saying. I've never understood this mentality. Why exactly are you waiting until your achieve these things again? How is being married going to get in the freaking way? I would think waiting to have kids would make more sense to me (again just speaking in general, not directed at this situation).

 

[Msstarr718]

EXACTLY! I won't even wait longer than 1.5 yrs before I get a ring, so I can't even imagine being with someone for 7 yrs and hearing them say 'they're not ready for marriage'. Why the hell am I with you then? Uh uh..I'm not about to play house like that.

Girl this is my favorite line.. I DO NOT PLAY HOUSE WITH NO MAN!!!!!!!

 

[Ediese]

Well there you go. Your comments make sense now.

Oh...Msa! lol I was thinking along the same lines.