My SO Really Put HIs Foot in His Mouth !
- Thread starter doll-baby
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Vshanell
FKA Pokahontas
I agree. I would take this very seriously. I mean he put it out there who he wants to settle down with but what I don't get is that he dosen't understand that you're upset and the fact that he told you what he said. Does he assume that you already know that you guys are only temporary? That confuses me and I know it confuses and hurts you.understandable you feel that way since thats basically what he said
I dont even have any advice, and thats what men do, make it out to be you as the problem, dont fall for the okie doke, thats a real serious statement he made and you need and deserve to figure out what you want/need to do about it and find out where his heart and head really is-even though he pretty much already put it out there ....
If this happened to me I would seriously be re-thinking things. This comment of his will always be in the back of your mind and will probably end up putting a strain on things. Serious stuff. Sorry this has happened to you.
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JustKiya
Well-Known Member
Short and sweet. Point taken. Booyah.
It's not that short, sweet, or simple once you've had children. If it was just her - I'd be right there with y'all. But they have children. As in, more than one child.
Spidergul
Well-Known Member
If he hasn't made this decision on his own and in 7 years, it ain't worth it. I would not force him to marry me, if I am not what he looking for-Just wish I would have known sooner. His comment will always be in her head.
Like I said about the huge ring Kobe gave to his wife after his indiscretion, everytime she looks at that ring-what do you think she is thinking? perplexed
Spidergul
Well-Known Member
It's not that short, sweet, or simple once you've had children. If it was just her - I'd be right there with y'all. But they have children. As in, more than one child.
I agree, but...I'm am so sorry this happend to you D-baby. He is a cad.
You see these are the type of men that will end up marrying the next chick they hook up with. After you've been with them x amount of years!I've seen this happen so many many times. If you're not ready for marriage after being together for 7 years now,that's fine. But if you had plans of marriage down the line,he basically just told you his plans down the line. Take some time to think and re-evaluate. Don't respond to him when you are mad. It will end up terribly. Write a list to have handy, when you plan on talking to him. Let him know how you feel and where the both of want this to go. The list is so you won't go off track and detail how he made you feel with his insensitive comment. I swear "they" piss me off with their jedi mind tricks!(he's mad now, because you're over reacting).Don't fall for it......And I wish you all the best sweetie!
Vshanell
FKA Pokahontas
This makes perfect sense
.He told you for a reason. He could be preparing you for his next move so keep your eyes open.
Dominican09
New Member
Unlike popular belief...I believe him...he said that he said that to stir up the conversation...I can see that happening because sometimes I do it too just to discuss another point of view...and plus he was at the barbershop...IMO, I think you should believe him because there is no way a man is going to be with you for 7 years...just waiting on a latin chick for him to settle with...He is already settled WITH YOU AND YOUR BABIES!!!
I hope you make the best decision for you and best of luck
I hope you make the best decision for you and best of luck
Irresistible
New Member
kayte
Well-Known Member
you need to be consulting a lawyer NOW
regarding CHILD SUPPORT
legal aid in your area ...if need pro bono...
and getting your own therapist or counseling
again there are free resources if money is at issue
it's ugly and distressing this information
but it IS information...emotions aside
to not act on it is.....immature
even if you decide to stay...even if you two talk it through..work it out
you still need to act on this...it can simply be knowing what your LEGAL options are..NOW
You can take the action of getting joint counseling..there are actions and you can choose
not have to be a victim or a volunteer for this
I am angry he said this.... but the level of vulnerablity that you are in...was your choice
meaning 7 years w/kids..to a man who did not marry you..
but you can take responsibilty..now!
as distasteful as his reason is.....
today he is telling you why marriage may NEVER happen with you two.
pay attention..I'd hate for you to simply emotionally process this with him
to where he can spin it and things will seem okay for awhile..
but you've done nothing else to take care of you and your kids..
if God forbid......... he carries out...what he let slip
there are many women who have been with a man for years...even with kids
only to have the man suddenly *ditch* the relationship and
MARRY someone else....
He SAID it ..
she'd better believe him
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antisocial
Well-Known Member
If he said it to "stir up the conversation" then he would NOT have come home and repeated it the way he did. He would have prefaced it with something like ....."baby, guess what I said at the barber shop today to get the convo going....
I'm not buying it.
He said it because he meant it, and he REPEATED it because he didn't see anything wrong with it until OP got offended.
Irresistible
New Member
also remember he was having this discussion around people that know her and that he is with her .......makes no sense
only hurtful
I mean I know men can be dumb......but if thats the case, he not only stuck his foot in his mouth he dug his grave for his life with her and his kids
its not light convo when it comes to your family
Some pots dont need no stirring
BrownEyez22
Well-Known Member
1 bolded- He only added that when he saw her negative/pissed reaction. Correct me if I'm wrong...
2 bolded- Men do it all the time.
Dominican09
New Member
Because I guess it was the highlight of his day?? Sometimes women look too much into things...guys are not that deep. To me it is clear, the man said he wanted to expose the other side of the conversation, tis' all!
Summer_Rain
Well-Known Member
I believe that what he did was flat out disrespectful. Beware of a man who would disrespect you (even to just "stir up controversey" as Domincan09 wants us to believe) in front of his friends. That is NEVER cool.
Irresistible
New Member
no disrespect
but you are only one with an opposing view on this, out of ALL of us INCLUDING her that feel it was hurtful and disrespectful and needs to be heeded as something to be taken serious
I would rather be one of those women that look too much into things then
and I really hope she does the same
She is already beginning to do so
I wouldnt want anyone that would simply disregard and dismiss me and my children's existence and/or his commitment to us so lightly
hopefully she wont either
tis all
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The ladies have given some really good advice. It's going to be hard, but think long term, either it hurts now, or you wait around it's gonna hurt more later. 7 yrs?? wow!
Spidergul
Well-Known Member
Even if that was the case and I don't think it is-why has this man not married her after 7 years?!
erplexedNo No No.
No man says this to a woman just because of some barber shop conversation.Many men will string women along for years with multiple babies. PLEASE BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!
kayte
Well-Known Member
context is everything...
I wish/hope that's all it was..
see...if it mentioned on say..a date..I might never ever go out with that
guy again..or choose to believe it was for debate..as you think
and get more into it..for fun
however..this is a 7 year relationship where the man
has refused to marry the OP yet..has fathered children with her
understandably ...there's concern he'll abandon her
and with young children under the age of seven
I hope he mans up and loves this woman with a ring and
substantial actions behind some apologies she's got coming
but his words might be the red flag the OP's been ignoring
to further ignore would be blatant denial..
possibly at the expense of her babies
OP please do what gng suggested ..
WHAT DO YOU WANT
WITH YOUR LIFE....& FOR YOUR CHILDREN
start from there....
you are in my prayers
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Dominican Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
But how do you (you as in him) even think to utter the words "if I were to ever settle down..." to someone you've spent 7 years with. And lets not forget the children and living together. The fact that he doesn't think thats settled down is a problem. A serious problem.
And you're right. Men are not that deep. If he tells you how he feels about your relationship, out of his own mouth, its best to take heed.
But how do you (you as in him) even think to utter the words "if I were to ever settle down..." to someone you've spent 7 years with. And lets not forget the children and living together. The fact that he doesn't think thats settled down is a problem. A serious problem.
And you're right. Men are not that deep. If he tells you how he feels about your relationship, out of his own mouth, its best to take heed.
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Irresistible
New Member
antisocial
Well-Known Member
It was the highlight of his day to tell everybody that he's gonna settle with a latin chick and not the woman he's been with for seven years....and then come home and repeat it to her????
WTF???
Dominican09
New Member
no disrespect
but you are only one out of ALL of us INCLUDING her that feel it was hurtful and disrespectful and needs to be heeded as something to be taken serious
I would rather be one of those women that look too much into things then
and I really hope she does the same
She is already beginning to do so
I wouldnt want anyone that would simply disregard and dismiss me and my children's existence and/or his commitment to us so lightly
hopefully she wont either
tis all
None taken,
I understand where everybody is coming from...However, if it was me, I would not break my family over a comment; unless there is some hard evidence...I'm sorry is just not going to happen. I am not going to entice no one to leave their man over something like that...I think she should evaluate the bond between them and then decide wether this is the behavior he have shown for the past seven years.
And yes, men do stay and then leave and it happens all the time, but I don't think this is the case.
mxdchiq86
New Member
i agree with a lot of the posts in here. the comment was pretty juvinile, and very disrespectful to you, and the union that you guys DO share.
to be honest, i would have left a few years back.. when i realized that the relationship wasn't headed towards a marriage. i've never understood why people had a list of certain things they wanted to finish before they sign that marriage cirtificate. you can be married, and acomplish anything that you desire.. but, this thread isn't about what *i* would do.
at the point that you're at now, i would think long and hard before i seperated my family over a comment. not to excuse what was said but, people say things for a lot of reasons and i don't think it's always smart to assume the worst and make life altering decisions based off of that. maybe he came home and repeated it to you to get a reaction, to make you jealous, to hear your opinion.. all selfish reasons but, bye-bye worthy (in the situation you're in)? i don't know. what he said, and what he has done are two totally different things. like another poster said, he is free to roam.. and if his statement rings true.. he'll go find that latin woman, and then you know what you have to do from there.
to be honest, i would have left a few years back.. when i realized that the relationship wasn't headed towards a marriage. i've never understood why people had a list of certain things they wanted to finish before they sign that marriage cirtificate. you can be married, and acomplish anything that you desire.. but, this thread isn't about what *i* would do.
at the point that you're at now, i would think long and hard before i seperated my family over a comment. not to excuse what was said but, people say things for a lot of reasons and i don't think it's always smart to assume the worst and make life altering decisions based off of that. maybe he came home and repeated it to you to get a reaction, to make you jealous, to hear your opinion.. all selfish reasons but, bye-bye worthy (in the situation you're in)? i don't know. what he said, and what he has done are two totally different things. like another poster said, he is free to roam.. and if his statement rings true.. he'll go find that latin woman, and then you know what you have to do from there.
Dominican09
New Member
context is everything...
I wish/hope that's all it was..
see...if it mentioned on say..a date..I might never ever go out with that
guy again..or choose to believe it was for debate..as you think
and get more into it..for fun
however..this is a 7 year relationship where the man
has refused to marry the OP yet..has fathered children with her
understandably ...there's concern
his words might be the red flag the OP's been ignoring
From what I read they have dicussed getting married but she said she would do it after she finishes school and start a career. I can relate to her on that because I am doing the same. I've been living with my boyfriend for 4 years and I don't want to think about wedding until I am done with that.
Being with this dude for seven years with no marriage is hard enough evidence for me
Irresistible
New Member
The way I see it she's already posted what she feels about his words and actions, no more guess work needed
JustKiya
Well-Known Member
I don't understand how a marriage certificate prevents you from finishing school and starting a career.
Of all the reasons to not get married, that's got to be one of the - most confusing.
I could understand it more if you were thinking that as soon as you got married, you would start having kids - but she already has kids.
How exactly, will marriage negatively impact her/your educational or career paths?
No snarkiness, because I've heard this a couple of times, and I've always scratched my head over it.
And if you are waiting because you want to have a big, blowout wedding, and can't afford it...... well. No comment.
ETA: Actually, no, I will comment. Weddings ain't ****. The marriage is what matters, and you can throw a party and do the white (or ivory ) dress anytime. But if you are ACTING like you are married, if you are creating a family like you are married, to say that you want to wait until you are done with something that won't be affected by marriage to get married is..... dumb. Sorry.
Of all the reasons to not get married, that's got to be one of the - most confusing.
I could understand it more if you were thinking that as soon as you got married, you would start having kids - but she already has kids.
How exactly, will marriage negatively impact her/your educational or career paths?
No snarkiness, because I've heard this a couple of times, and I've always scratched my head over it.
And if you are waiting because you want to have a big, blowout wedding, and can't afford it...... well. No comment.
ETA: Actually, no, I will comment. Weddings ain't ****. The marriage is what matters, and you can throw a party and do the white (or ivory
) dress anytime. But if you are ACTING like you are married, if you are creating a family like you are married, to say that you want to wait until you are done with something that won't be affected by marriage to get married is..... dumb. Sorry.Similar threads
