My SO Really Put HIs Foot in His Mouth !

[Ediese]

Uhm... I think it's a sign that you MAY just want to move on.

Exactly! I don't want to be mean, BUT I think that's exactly why he hasn't settled down. I'm sure if the relationship ever ended he'd marry the first latin chick he met. This is kinda sad because after 7 years, AND children there shouldn't be a question about settling down at that point. That's way too long.

 

[firecracker]

You made me laugh, I do make some good enchiladas, and arroz con pollo ! But seriously we need to have a long talk about the future of our relationship and where we go from here

Good I made you laugh chica! I know your feelings are super hurt and you have some reevaluating to do.

 

[mscocoface]

I understand the ceremony aspect of marriage but what you and your SO have done is already a type of commitment in front of God, family and friends, it is a type of union and some parts of it is legal particularly where the children are concerned.

I don't know about Chicago but are there common law legal issues there?

 

[Choclatcotton]

I would take a hint and vacate the premises. All he would see is the door slammin

 

[Ediese]

Sistah girl he put more than his FOOT in his mouth.

That deserves some serious pause time from you so you can decide how you should respond and react knowing that is how he feels.

Since when did 7 years not equal settling down? Does settling down to him mean when he marries someone?

Too much smoke coming from this.

I have to ask what part of all of what you two are doing is not a relationship. All of this is like a marriage without the wedding. I am confused.

He doesn't want to get married and you don't either until school and career is started but you both have been together for 7 years, share a household and have children. I really am not trying to be dense but all of what you both are doing is what is in a marriage.

I hope nothing of what I am saying is offending you, I just am not understanding. I truly wish you the best regarding this situation, that had to hurt on so many levels.

EXACTLY! I won't even wait longer than 1.5 yrs before I get a ring, so I can't even imagine being with someone for 7 yrs and hearing them say 'they're not ready for marriage'. Why the hell am I with you then? Uh uh..I'm not about to play house like that.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Thank you ladies for responding, he still doesn't get why I'm upset. That makes me even angrier. And yeah since last night whenever he asks me to do something I'll say why don't you get a latin chick to do it !
And I still can't believe he had the nerve to say that to me, it would be better if at least he understood where he was wrong and apologized but he wants to chalk it up to me overreacting. He thinks because he is with me that should be testament enough that he wants to be with me, but now I kind of feel like he's just wasting time with me until he finds some latin chick, IDK

I know it's hard, but try not to continue to be upset. that is the kind of response he is looking for. don't give it to him. in fact, you should get excited and imma tell you why. He has been holding your heart and emotions hostage for 7 long years. think about it. 7 years. instead of getting mad, get even. start thinking and plotting about moving on, getting a life for yourself...starting over. he obviously doesn't think ur good enough...it's not as hard as you think it is. silence is so golden, as men do not like to be ignored, and when you don't say anything, they get scared and don't know what your next move is. This is something to be taken seriously. I would have a talk with him, just to the information I need. Ask him does he have any intentions on marrying you. If it's not the answer you want to hear, then start thinking about moving on. It's not worth it and life is to dayum short.

Just be aware that since he's in the dog house, he will tell you things you want to hear to keep the chaos down in the house...

 

[sunshinelady]

When someone tells you who they are, believe them, the first time.

and, this is an example of why we need to stop having out of wedlock kids, you're stuck with this dude forever.

And, the longer a man dates you, the less likely he is to marry you. Sorry girl.

 

[Ediese]

Not to be nosey or anything, but how many kids do you guys have together?

 

[Xerxes]

See OP, you and the rest of the ladies need to reread "Those Aren't Fighting Words" thread!

Your first response to his confession of wishing to settle down with a latina should have been "I don't buy it". And you should have stoically held your ground and reminded him that he was free to find his latin lover, while you and the kids try to stay afloat without him.

Seriously, if I were in your shoes, I'd start considering how I would raise my children on my own and I would give him a timetable by which he should either marry me or leave the household. 7 years, a bunch of kids and no engagement is a crime in my book (that you both are guilty of). Please don't let another man do this to you.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

EXACTLY! I won't even wait longer than 1.5 yrs before I get a ring, so I can't even imagine being with someone for 7 yrs and hearing them say 'they're not ready for marriage'. Why the hell am I with you then? Uh uh..I'm not about to play house like that.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

When someone tells you who they are, believe them, the first time.

and, this is an example of why we need to stop having out of wedlock kids, you're stuck with this dude forever.

And, the longer a man dates you, the less likely he is to marry you. Sorry girl.

PREACH

 

[prettynatural]

Girl, I am so sorry!!

I know that this must hurt and you feel that the work you have put in this relationship should have some kind of invested return, marriage. My question is to you, what do you want? What do you value in a relationship? Is he what you want? Does his actions and words display a man that wants to marry only you and adore you?

I wish for the best for you! and listen to your gut and hear what he is saying, he is telling you what he wants by his actions and words, listen to them.

 

[zenith]

OK, i do not understand him saying "when he settles down". What has he been doing all this time with you and a couple of kids?

You are within every right to be upset BUT when you continue to stay mad and keep that temper up, you are only messing your health and happiness up. He may opt to just stay away from you and who knows maybe that's when he will meet that latina and end up having another family on the side.

What you two need is counselling, and i don't mena calling his momma, or cousin bud. A professional!!
You do have kids so it's not that easy to just pack up and leave, plus men can be dense so they need to hear what you are saying from a totally diff 3rd party. If he really loves you and all he would do what it takes to make y'alls relationship work.
Plus as for being ready, people get married at justice of the peace everyday and go on to have long lasting marriages. Maybe that should be a that for you two. A good marriage is not build on the basis of a grand wedding with all the trimmings.
Plus, y'all have kids, you need to put all that extra money in their college fund/ bank account!! C'mon now!!
All the best.

 

[tarheelgurl]

Heck Naw you didn't over react. So he saying that when he does get married he's gonna marry a latin girl? After all this time with you he think that he's gonna settle with a latin girl? I don't know what I would have done but I would have been very hurt and upset.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Thank you ladies for responding, he still doesn't get why I'm upset. That makes me even angrier. And yeah since last night whenever he asks me to do something I'll say why don't you get a latin chick to do it !
And I still can't believe he had the nerve to say that to me, it would be better if at least he understood where he was wrong and apologized but he wants to chalk it up to me overreacting. He thinks because he is with me that should be testament enough that he wants to be with me, but now I kind of feel like he's just wasting time with me until he finds some latin chick, IDK

I admit something smart would've came out of my mouth... at first, but after a minute or two, I would do my best to keep silent and act unaffected. Sometimes, people like to know the impact their words have on you... and your reaction and feelings are controlled by you. You are being sensitive, and it's your right to feel how you choose, but when you stop taking his devoted ignorance personal, you can significantly reduce the emotional input you provide him.

I don't want to come off as insensitive but....
If after 7 years AND kids AND paying bills he still hasn't married you. I doubt you will be the one that he "settles" down with. Your man is telling you the truth, so LISTEN.

I honestly don't see why people have children and create "illegitimate" households and then don't want to get married, yet talk about it and say they're not ready to settle. YOU ARE SETTLED... just not "legally" so to speak. That man obviously thinks, since he is NOT married, he is chilling on Easy street. I understand why you also wanted to wait, but he's obviously given you the drill.

I would be asking him WHY he --- in a barbershop of black men defending black women ---- would have the nerve to speak sideways when everyone knows HIS situation. What would he have to prove?

I have no words.

Well actually I do. Doll-baby, this is a tough one. Your SO didn't put his foot in his mouth. In my opinion, he wanted you to have that info. He put the cards on the table as plain as day. Now its up to you to decide what to do next; whether its to stay or go.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

YUP.
He knows WHY you're mad, he just doesn't CARE so he's playing dumb.

so what if you have kids? that's not stopping him from talking recklessly about himself and indirectly, his family.

 

[flowinlocks]

Just be aware that since he's in the dog house, he will tell you things you want to hear to keep the chaos down in the house...

This he will do, don't fall for it.

Please finish your personal plans before you decide when enough is enough.

I agree with this statement, I would work on getting all my ducks in a row first, that is if you decide to move on.

I have no words.

Well actually I do. Doll-baby, this is a tough one. Your SO didn't put his foot in his mouth. In my opinion, he wanted you to have that info. He put the cards on the table as plain as day. Now its up to you to decide what to do next; whether its to stay or go.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

Thank you ladies for responding, he still doesn't get why I'm upset. That makes me even angrier. And yeah since last night whenever he asks me to do something I'll say why don't you get a latin chick to do it !
And I still can't believe he had the nerve to say that to me, it would be better if at least he understood where he was wrong and apologized but he wants to chalk it up to me overreacting. He thinks because he is with me that should be testament enough that he wants to be with me, but now I kind of feel like he's just wasting time with me until he finds some latin chick, IDK

Don't fall for the hype, he gets it. It's a typical PA move. I had an ex, notice I said ex tell me while we were watching a talk show on bm dating exotic women & ww. He made statement that well their women DO look better than ours. erplexed I was seething, but I calmly, asked how so? He said their hair is better, & they have better bodies, meaning they are in better shape. BW look for any excuse to get out of shape. I was furious. This wasn't the comment per say that broke us, looking back it was one of many insensitive remarks, masked by oh you tripping, or is it that serious. The point I'm trying to make is he wanted you to hear it or he wouldn't have said it.

I would be Immensely hurt wounded and confused and re thinking everything

wonder how can he fix that one?

Ive learned that when we don't listen to what they are saying straight out to us , and their excuses we buy, we only regret it later

I would take this very seriously

ITA with the bolded

 

[brownelovely]

I honestly don't see why people have children and create "illegitimate" households and then don't want to get married, yet talk about it and say they're not ready to settle. YOU ARE SETTLED... just not "legally" so to speak. That man obviously thinks, since he is NOT married, he is chilling on Easy street. I understand why you also wanted to wait, but he's obviously given you the drill.

I would be asking him WHY he --- in a barbershop of black men defending black women ---- would have the nerve to speak sideways when everyone knows HIS situation. What would he have to prove?

Because it's their personal choice....simple as that.

 

[luvn_life]

I can only try and understand how hard this is for you. I have no advice for you, just hugs

 

[Irresistible]

doll-baby

you have lots to think about and re evaluate and find answers for yourself, give yourself time, your wounded and probably walking around like the rug has been pulled out from under you--it has! No one here is going to be able to give you all the answers to your taking the steps you need to take for you and for you to heal, your going to have many lost lonely days ahead probably , just alone with your hurt. But please believe you deserve (as already stated in this thread) to be with someone who truly wants to be with you and only you and not play these games, or be with someone so shallow, superficial and narrow minded as to put another race of a woman on a pedestal above you. Sweetie , you put yourself on your own pedestal and dont let ANY man take you down. Let him have his LATINA chick, There is someone so much greater than this for you with so much more to give than this pettiness, your hurt is righteous , dont let him fool you, you stand for you because clearly he is not and your kids, Your not taken down a notch, he fell from the level of 'real man to childish boy' with that statement and talking such nonsense openly to others. He clearly doesnt deserve you , nor any more of your time, soul, body, tears, years NOTHING vested in him, if he can so lightly say such a thing, you have to get to that point though, at your own pace in your own space. Just love yourself, God and your kids more than him, clearly he is nothing to put your life and heart and soul into

drop the rock, so your hand is empty for a diamond

take your time and heal

no matter how hurt and lost you feel right now, it will all come together for you

 

[LBoogie]

Doesn't sound like he put his foot in his mouth....sound like he was telling the truth. He may have tried to "clean it up" because he didn't want to be bothered with going through the motions that would have followed had he not "cleaned it up." But it's clear to ME, that he meant what he said...hence getting the cow, the barn, the milk and the calves for free.

*shrugs*

 

[LBoogie]

Because it's their personal choice....simple as that.

Then they need to choose not to complain when it bites them in the butt.

 

[Lucie]

I am really angry!!! The ladies here gave you some wonderful advice and I hope you follow it. ((( HUGS )))

 

[Almaz]

Oh HELL NAW this is some straight up Bull ish right there. 1,2,3,4,5,6 SEVEN YEARS, Children and a home life okay might as well go down to city hall at this point. If he did NOT want to get married then her should NOT be playing house and playing with your feelings. He meant what he said. But if everything seems to be going okay then don't make sense to leave but the situation is in need of a re evaluation.

Don't cost much at city hall. YOUR practically married anyhow.
'

We have talked about marriage, and he says that he is not ready to get married. I have never really pushed the issue because I wanted finish school, and start my career first.

 

[deltagyrl]

Whoa.

Hope you believe what he said 'cause he meant it.

Don't make excuses for him, you'll only hate yourself later.

Good luck to you and your kids.

 

[Essensual]

..umm...do you have some vacation days or PTO available?erplexed



TAKE IT.

BREATHE. PLAN...WISELY.MOVE FORWARD WITH YOUR CHILDREN.HEAL.LIVE IN PEACE.

That is all.

 

[luvn_life]

Then they need to choose not to complain when it bites them in the butt.

I understand what you mean but it is really not that easy. I can guarantee that the women that get into them don't start with the intentions of this happening to them. I haven't been in a situation like this before, but I have definitely gotten myself into a situation that I knew I had no business in, gotten bitten in the butt and needed a shoulder to cry on. I can almost bet that every person has.

So you should try giving helpful advice not advice to make her feel worse.

 

[Ms Red]

I'm sorry you heard that. But at the same time, I'm so HAPPY it came out of his mouth and here's why:

1. You deserve to be with a man who puts you 1st. Puts you on that pedestal. Can't STOP bragging about YOU.

2. From your post, you seem hardworking, a decent mother and a dedicated girlfriend. WHEN you meet a man worth your time, your heart and your promise of marriage, you are going to find happiness.

3. When you DO move on, your children will have an example of morals and character in you. They will see how strong their mom is.

4. You're young and beautiful. 7 years is a long time. But do not view it as wasted time. You can and will move on, you and your kids. Remain prayerful and positive.

I sincerely wish you the best.

 

[JustKiya]

Wow.

I'm sorry you've wasted so much of your time with a man who doesn't want to marry you because you are the wrong race.

I hope that you can find a wise path through this, because you in a real farked up situation right now - to KNOW that your man has no intention of marrying you? After seven years, and more than one child, he's still talking about the kind of woman he wants to settle down with, and that woman ain't you? Yeah, that's a slap in the face, sis. And he dared to tell you this to your face? Yeah. He's just warning you know, so that when he dumps you, abandons his children, and marries Maria, you won't be too shocked.

I don't even have any advice - forcing a man into marriage is never a wise thing, and considering ya'll have kids, just up and leaving him ain't the wisest option, either. I guess you can kick it for another 7 years and hope he decides that the mother of his children is the woman he wants to settle down with...... erplexed

 

[Spidergul]

Wow, just Wow.

 

[Spidergul]

This he will do, don't fall for it.



I agree with this statement, I would work on getting all my ducks in a row first, that is if you decide to move on.









Don't fall for the hype, he gets it. It's a typical PA move. I had an ex, notice I said ex tell me while we were watching a talk show on bm dating exotic women & ww. He made statement that well their women DO look better than ours. erplexed I was seething, but I calmly, asked how so? He said their hair is better, & they have better bodies, meaning they are in better shape. BW look for any excuse to get out of shape. I was furious. This wasn't the comment per say that broke us, looking back it was one of many insensitive remarks, masked by oh you tripping, or is it that serious. The point I'm trying to make is he wanted you to hear it or he wouldn't have said it.






ITA with the bolded

Girl you got the goods with that statement here! The goods indeed!