My SO just told me we're not having sex again until I agree to have a baby

[likewtr4chklit]

Seriously OP if you love this man enough to marry him in the near future maybe you should go to relationship counseling to see what's holding you back. Sometimes counseling can help you remove the mental blocks that keep you from seeing why you should or shouldn't be together.

 

[Bachelorette]

However, I do have a former friend who had not 1 but 2 babies with her EX boyfriend. He poked holes in the condoms and admitted it after baby #2. She dumped him.

This is beyond creepy.

 

[MissYocairis]

Im sorry but ur SO is a fool Who gives reproductive ultimatums like this?

I love how we just coin new phrases around here. cute.

 

[awhyley]

I know I'm late but.

RUN....because

I love yall and these gifs!

I love how we just coin new phrases around here. cute.

Ain't it?

ETA: Back to the situation though, I'd would have a serious talk with him because making any decisions.

 

[NessaNessa]

Okay, I'm going to be incredibly blunt and opinionated.

*An orgasm is temporary. There are many gadgets that are dedicated to female pleasure on the market. No, it's not the same as sex, but you don't have to have a baby or deal with emotional manipulation. Put bluntly, don't be a slave to your sex drive/physical affection addiction. Seriously, a kid is going to last longer then a dry spell.

*From reading your posts, you don't want to marry him or have a kid with him. At least not right now. Do you think he'll make a good father? Do you think you'll make a good mother? Can you see yourself raising a family with this man? If you're thinking "no" or "I don't know," then this baby thing ain't going to work.

*If he's pulling this crap now, he's going to do it if you guys get married and have kids. Anytime he wants to get his way, he'll use sex. Is that what you want?

I know it's easy to say this from the outside, but walk away. Or at least take a break from the relationship. Buy a Hitachi Magic Wand and get a pet for company. He's not the only person in the universe that has a penis.

This post aint nothing but the truth. But the embolde is siggy worthy!!

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

Why isn't this in the relationship forum?

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

I am reading something TOTALLY different than what you guys are...

None the less.. he is up to no good.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

I know I'm late but.

RUN....because

This made my day!!! LAWD!

 

[intergalacticartist]

I don't think his ultimatum is coming from a place like
"If you don't want to get married, I don't think we should risk having a baby"
or
"I really want to build emotional intimacy before we get married"

I see at as using his sexuality to try to manipulate folks. Nah playa. It's not going down..

 

[calliope]

Sounds kinda controlling- dump him.

 

[cutenss]

If he wants to marry you so bad, has he put a ring on it?

 

[Ms Red]

I don't see a red flag here at all. I see several red SIRENS.

Please don't let the powerful emotion of FEAR keep you in a relationship where you are not being fulfilled and have given your SO ample opportunity to change. He's not going to change and by issuing this ultimatum, he's really confirming that he's not going to change. A baby binds you two together for life and he knows that. In fact, he is counting on that.

Your indifference toward the relationship (and his family and lack of ambition/fill in the blank) is making him desperate. This is a great opportunity to leave and start over. I would hate to see you waste any more time because you seem like such a sweetheart. So much of one that you FEEL BAD for leaving. When all signs point to "BE OUT."

What are you waiting for?

 

[ambergirl]

Yup, sounds like a trap

 

[*5+5]

I don't see a red flag here at all. I see several red SIRENS.

Please don't let the powerful emotion of FEAR keep you in a relationship where you are not being fulfilled and have given your SO ample opportunity to change. He's not going to change and by issuing this ultimatum, he's really confirming that he's not going to change. A baby binds you two together for life and he knows that. In fact, he is counting on that.

Your indifference toward the relationship (and his family and lack of ambition/fill in the blank) is making him desperate. This is a great opportunity to leave and start over. I would hate to see you waste any more time because you seem like such a sweetheart. So much of one that you FEEL BAD for leaving. When all signs point to "BE OUT."

What are you waiting for?

There's a few factors that play into why I'm waiting, for one we share a place together and it could be messy. He's my heart and my family loves him to pieces so it's going to be a lost for everyone. Just want to know it can't be salvaged before signing off for good.

 

[Allandra]

Why isn't this in the relationship forum?

It is now.

 

[MissJ]

Okay, haven't you been posting about this same guy for a couple of years now? Are you the one who worked as a contractor? Is this the same guy you broke up with once over a year ago? If so, it's just one thing after another with this guy, and it doesn't make sense.

 

[Sosoothing]

I certainly understand feeling like you want to wait and be sure you are not making a rash decision either way. But what exactly has to happen for you to decide once and for all to stay or leave? Im not too sure but it sounds like you two have been going through issues for some time now and maybe you should have been sure of something by now.

 

[gabulldawg]

Straight foolishness, OP. I know how you feel when you say you don't want to walk away, but this guy doesn't sound good for you at all. I've tried to keep up with some of the stuff that you've posted about him and it all sounds like a mess!

It's hard to believe when you are in it, but there are better things out there for you. This guy is NO GOOD. Please don't ignore the signs and end up a victim of his ways. We don't have to do this to ourselves!!!

I hope I'm not goin too hard but it makes me really mad to see black women out there dealing with such foolishness. I'm not lookin down on anyone, because I've been there, but I just wish we knew our worth.

 

[PretteePlease]

Protect yourself a man that wants a baby will get one with you or.................

 

[guudhair]

The only difference between this situation and ALL of the women who have gotten preggers on purpose to "keep" a mate...is that OP was warned and has ample time to LEAVE BEFORE there is "collateral damage"

 

[GodMadeMePretty]

The only difference between this situation and ALL of the women who have gotten preggers on purpose to "keep" a mate...is that OP was warned and has ample time to LEAVE BEFORE there is "collateral damage"

I want to emphasize this. If you have sex with him again, you need to have backup BC other than a condom.

 

[filthyfresh]

There's a few factors that play into why I'm waiting, for one we share a place together and it could be messy. He's my heart and my family loves him to pieces so it's going to be a lost for everyone. Just want to know it can't be salvaged before signing off for good.

It's time for you to make moves towards getting your own place then. Don't let your living situation keep you tethered to someone. A lot of people use that as a crutch and end up pregnant, married, or miserable. Don't let that be you. Obviously he is trying to trap you with a child. Please don't allow your love for this man to blind to this fact. He seems incredibly possessive. I'm more than familiar with possessive men. They view babies as a way to keep tabs on a woman & link them to her for life regardless of what he does.

I find it odd that he was so willing to give up sex in lieu of waiting for you to want to have a baby. Perhaps I'm just reaching but if a man doesn't care about having sex with you that usually means he has the option of getting it elsewhere. That's just been my experience. I'm not attempting to create doubt in your mind, I'm just examining the situation from all angles.

So what if your family loves him? He is not the last man on Earth that your family will like that you date. Your family loves YOU. They will back you up regardless of what happens with him. This man is giving you a STRONG indication that he is controlling. If he is doing things like this now, there is no telling to what ends he will go to control you in the future. First it's babies, next thing you know you'll be married & you can't pee before 2PM because that's not on his schedule.

Obviously you're not ready for what he's offering. So don't waste your time or your eggs on this man.

 

[goodmorningruby]

Who even does that? How do you pressure someone into creating a life? And then uses sex as punishment for having doubts?

 

[simplymyself]

Sounds like he'd trying to trap you.

ITA! The moment you have that child, he will be linked to you for life. This does not mean that he will marry you.

It sounds as if he is attempting to find a way to have power over you. For some men, convincing a woman to have their child is their way of controlling a woman they think is stronger than they are. You need to be very careful with this man.

 

[metro_qt]

Okay, haven't you been posting about this same guy for a couple of years now? Are you the one who worked as a contractor? Is this the same guy you broke up with once over a year ago? If so, it's just one thing after another with this guy, and it doesn't make sense.

Thaaaank you! things just aren't making sense to me... aren't you fully in the middle of sending out wedding invitations right now? You're deeeeeep into this.

 

[Ediese]

Who even does that? How do you pressure someone into creating a life? And then uses sex as punishment for having doubts?

erplexed Women do it ALL the time.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

This thread made me look back at my own life and experiences with men. And the ONLY men who were all gung ho to have kids ASAP... were the 2 pieces of that made me need therapy later on

One of them actually was a family man but had the idea that a man's role in the family was to lay around like a roman emperor being catered to and the other was a jerk who later became violent. Hurting a woman through her kids is a great way to cause her pain over and over again pretty much for life.

You need to accept his terms and let him lay there restless for a while (during which time you need to start putting some things in the works for your own apt). He WILL come around and start wanting some cookie, but DON'T give it to him!!!!

LMAO @ him trying to act like paynus is some rare limited resource Honey... if you need affection, it can be found pretty much anytime, anyplace, for FREE. Just make sure you double up and play real safe, cuz it can be dangerous out there.

 

[Dak]

were the 2 pieces of that made me need therapy later on

How true is that! The worse they are, the longer it takes to get over them. You have that "why did I stay" self-incrimination on top of it all.

 

[frizzy]

Did OP and her SO kiss and make up? Where she at?

 

[*5+5]

Did OP and her SO kiss and make up? Where she at?

Hey I'm still here.

Thanks for the responses ladies! I apologize for not responding to all the questions that were asked but this thread has overwhelmed the crap out of me. I'll say that we've had our share of ups & downs and b/c of this I have been the one dodging an engagement or marriage lately. Just b/c I love my SO and have been patient in our relationship it doesn't make me some fool. I knew once I committed to my SO that we would have a journey and I don't regret it b/c we've both learned a lot over the past few years and shared a lot of happy times. The good still out way the bad, sucks that I didn’t post about those times more, but I think I’m far to great of a prize to compromise on certain things.

My heart instantly locked itself around him and the connection was bigger than just having any man that would do XYZ better, but it was 'us' and doing the best to build our love and make it work. Not all women receive the gift to cut their losses as fast as others, but I recognize it's easier to sometimes judge and say what "we" would do when we’re not the ones losing a love.

With all of that said we are no longer together and of course I'm sad, it's pretty much the normal grief and anger. It's causing a bit of fatigue tho', it's like I go to sleep tired and wake up with an aching heart, what gives..