My SO just told me we're not having sex again until I agree to have a baby

[Bene]

Oh, and I just wanted to add. NO peener is worth having a baby you're not ready for. I don't care how good it is, it's not worth it especially if whatever its attached to is playing these silly mind games.

 

[gymfreak336]

Rastafarai, stop telling the truth up in this thread.

 

[naijamerican]

I don't understand. If you have reservations about marrying him, then why are you with him in the first place? Why not just end it and find the one (or be found by the one) that will give you what you want - and respect you? erplexed

Life is to short to squander it on a man displaying some straight up bare foolishness.

 

[*5+5]

I don't understand. If you have reservations about marrying him, then why are you with him in the first place? Why not just end it and find the one (or be found by the one) that will give you what you want - and respect you? erplexed

Life is to short to squander it on a man displaying some straight up bare foolishness.

Great advice! I have reservations about marriage NOW or SOON. I think he's a great guy but there's some things that I Feel needs further grooming. However, I'm not adverse to the idea of moving on, just want to be sure 1st.

 

[shenitab]

Well, I also suggest getting on birth control or even an IUD (works for me). Don't marry him and especially don't have a baby until you are ready. Is he controlling in other ways?

 

[SleekandBouncy]

There are some serious problems with this scenario.
It sounds like he proposed marriage after he posed the baby scenario. Why does he want a baby now? Is he trying to tie you to him? Have you been together very long and he feels like it's time? What's the deal with that.

Also, the idea of giving someone an ultimatum to try to force their hand into something as serious as brining life into this world is HIGHLY problematic. That's not healthy. I would not trust my BC around him.

And IMO a man who I cannot trust my BC around is not a man I should be messing around with anyway. What's the point.
If you are not ready to be married you need to figure out why and it sounds like you might want to consider leaving the relationship (just saying...) because this man obviously wants something that you don't.

Ultimately, I'm not comfy with how he intends to change your mind. Child raring is the kind of thing you discuss, the kind of thing you want someone to genuinely change their mind about, not feel feel guilted, tricked or blackmailed into it.

 

[naijamerican]

Great advice! I have reservations about marriage NOW or SOON. I think he's a great guy but there's some things that I Feel needs further grooming. However, I'm not adverse to the idea of moving on, just want to be sure 1st.

I feel you and I respect that. It sounds to me that you should continue what you're doing - following your gut instincts, and soliciting advice. I think that this ultimatum from your boyfriend will clarify whether or not you should stay with him or go on to the next one (lol, I couldn't help but throw some Jigga up in here ).

I'm glad to see that you're not backing down from the "no marriage, no child" rule that you've set up. You're already further along than a lot of women in real life.

 

[OneShinyface]

What a wild power play!! Stick to your guns, OP.

If you're are worthy enough to have his child, then you are worthy enough to be his wife BEFORE you have kids.

 

[mzlatisha]

Interesting.....

In my best Timaya-Qaadar voice.:

ummm I dont even too much know about that.

 

[Qualitee]

A baby wont fix the relationship it will only make it worse. I wonder if hes cheating? He might be scared you'll find out and want to leave him. But you having a baby by him would make you stay because he knows you wouldnt want the baby to grow up in a broken home. ............I know Im reaching but still

 

[JustKiya]

Ze sunshiny hell?

Am I to understand that this man won't have sex with you until you agree to marry him? Because, basically, that's what he's telling you, as you both know you ain't trying to have a baby if you aren't married? Esp. since he said he's willing to marry you??

Well.

Women do the same thing.

Not that your situation is funny, but it's not - exceptional - in my mind - it's just usually the woman who is shutting down the goody factory.

He's telling you - either marry me, or move on. It sounds like you don't really want to marry him. Have you told him the things he needs to work on to be marriageable? Seems like this might be a good time to open that conversation, if not.

 

[*5+5]

Ze sunshiny hell?

Am I to understand that this man won't have sex with you until you agree to marry him? Because, basically, that's what he's telling you, as you both know you ain't trying to have a baby if you aren't married? Esp. since he said he's willing to marry you??

Well.

Women do the same thing.

Not that your situation is funny, but it's not - exceptional - in my mind - it's just usually the woman who is shutting down the goody factory.

He's telling you - either marry me, or move on. It sounds like you don't really want to marry him. Have you told him the things he needs to work on to be marriageable? Seems like this might be a good time to open that conversation, if not.

@ - the bolded I was thinking the same thing.

I don't think he's saying marry me or move on. But rather, we get married, have this baby or no more sex. I'm still not certain that he is serious considering I posted this thread after he put his foot down and went to sleep after his declaration.

We talk about the things that are holding me back from saying 'yes' a lot. He's working on it, but he's not at my level of approval at this point.

I feel bad about all of this b/c I would love to be a wife and mom but I need to be all the way there and not full of BS and just hop to the chance. My sister told me I'm acting like this b/c the options are right in my face ...uggghhh!!

 

[Dak]

For some reason this reminded me of when my then 4 year old son told me he was going to stay in his room until I bought him a puppy. Uh huh. Good luck with that.

 

[JustKiya]

@ - the bolded I was thinking the same thing.

I don't think he's saying marry me or move on. But rather, we get married, have this baby or no more sex. I'm still not certain that he is serious considering I posted this thread after he put his foot down and went to sleep after his declaration.

We talk about the things that are holding me back from saying 'yes' a lot. He's working on it, but he's not at my level of approval at this point.

I feel bad about all of this b/c I would love to be a wife and mom but I need to be all the way there and not full of BS and just hop to the chance. My sister told me I'm acting like this b/c the options are right in my face ...uggghhh!!

From what you've posted, though, it sounds like you aren't willing to be in a sexless/celibate relationship. If you are willing, I'd go along with him, personally - - it might encourage him to work a little faster on those things that are holding you back from saying 'yes'.

Maybe talk to him, and set a deadline - for both of you? You're willing to go - say, six months without sex. And at the end of that time, either y'all will go your own ways, or you'll be engaged and start sexing again.

 

[*5+5]

From what you've posted, though, it sounds like you aren't willing to be in a sexless/celibate relationship. If you are willing, I'd go along with him, personally - - it might encourage him to work a little faster on those things that are holding you back from saying 'yes'.

Maybe talk to him, and set a deadline - for both of you? You're willing to go - say, six months without sex. And at the end of that time, either y'all will go your own ways, or you'll be engaged and start sexing again.

I would like to see him achieve those results now and then we can gradually move into engagement. I want him to get it right with me while continuing to have sex.

I'm an affection whore and doubt I'll be happy with being sexless for 6mon.

 

[JustKiya]

I would like to see him achieve those results now and then we can gradually move into engagement. I want him to get it right with me while continuing to have sex.

I'm an affection whore and doubt I'll be happy with being sexless for 6mon.

And I suspect he knows this.

So, he's telling you to either accept him as he is, or to let go. He's definitely giving an ultimatum, no matter how you slice it.

I'd consider at least a month - assuming that what he needs to work on can be corrected in a month. I don't know how 'major' the issues are that are holding you back - but I assume they are issues you simply cannot imagine living with.

Maybe he's trying to say he's not gonna change anymore than he has. erplexed

 

[frostydoll]

I wish my SO would... I would've pulled out my vibrator and told him he mine as well sleep at his place tonight.

 

[Mleah]

^^^ What she said!! Run!!!

 

[Truth]

I wish a man would tell me no paynus..and what grounds I can get some on.... I'm a taurus I know how you feel about making sure that it's the right choice first..However, If you keep thinking about it.. you keep coming up with reasons as to why this isn't the best relationship for you.. then you just need to do it...Women do this all the time, Tend to hold on cause we're thinkin of all possible scenarios,that it might get better, and end up staying with that fool longer then we're suppose 2... if your thinking it.. if it's laying heavy on ya heart....and you know what you want..sat him down and told him what you want..and he still can't accept it..his way or no way.. then chuck the deuces.. His season has passed....And if you do decide to stay.. then play his game ma..tell his butt no pudding until he learns patience and works out the kinks of your relationship.. he'll get it..(okay that last part is just my way of thinkin..lol)

 

[Lady S]

Okay, I'm going to be incredibly blunt and opinionated.

*An orgasm is temporary. There are many gadgets that are dedicated to female pleasure on the market. No, it's not the same as sex, but you don't have to have a baby or deal with emotional manipulation. Put bluntly, don't be a slave to your sex drive/physical affection addiction. Seriously, a kid is going to last longer then a dry spell.

*From reading your posts, you don't want to marry him or have a kid with him. At least not right now. Do you think he'll make a good father? Do you think you'll make a good mother? Can you see yourself raising a family with this man? If you're thinking "no" or "I don't know," then this baby thing ain't going to work.

*If he's pulling this crap now, he's going to do it if you guys get married and have kids. Anytime he wants to get his way, he'll use sex. Is that what you want?

I know it's easy to say this from the outside, but walk away. Or at least take a break from the relationship. Buy a Hitachi Magic Wand and get a pet for company. He's not the only person in the universe that has a penis.

 

[FlowerHair]

@ - the bolded I was thinking the same thing.

I don't think he's saying marry me or move on. But rather, we get married, have this baby or no more sex. I'm still not certain that he is serious considering I posted this thread after he put his foot down and went to sleep after his declaration.

We talk about the things that are holding me back from saying 'yes' a lot. He's working on it, but he's not at my level of approval at this point.

I feel bad about all of this b/c I would love to be a wife and mom but I need to be all the way there and not full of BS and just hop to the chance. My sister told me I'm acting like this b/c the options are right in my face ...uggghhh!!

I can't blame him for saying that. I would hold back too (both sex and other things), if I suspected that the one I was with didn't see a future with me.

As it seems, he is right - you're not 100% sure you want a future with him, are you?

 

[GodMadeMePretty]

Are these issues that are "must haves" in a relationship or simply desirable? Must haves are deal-breakers and since you are still with him . . . seems like it's only desirable. Which means to me . . . you're just not that into him. You're holding on just because you need affection and sex. That's not fair to him. If a female was in here saying she did this to a man, we would tell her the same thing. You need to let him go so he can find someone else to marry and be a father. Life is too short for you to be holding him back from his desires. You wouldn't want him to do the same to you because you're posting about it.

Let him go and this is not about his giving you an ultimatum. He has expressed what he wants. If you care about him or love him at all, you want the best for him. That's what he thinks is best for him and you can not or will not provide it so you need to let him move on and find it.

 

[doriannc]

I know I'm late but.

RUN....because

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

OP, do you deal well with ultimatums? I could be wrong but if you give in to this you are setting a dangerous standard in your relationship....

 

[blue_flower]

This guys sounds like a waste of time. I'd just move on.

 

[Glitter]

Issue 1: You two are also not on the same page when it comes to you future. I don't believe every relationship needs to be one headed towards marrige. But again, both people in the relationship need to have the same, clear expectations - and this needs to communicated and discussed throughout the relationship to see if it changes.

Issue 2: There are some serious trust issues in this relationship. Too much manipulation and forced desires going on.

So OP, instead of just pointing these out, let's be constructive. I've gotta ask -- How are you going to work to resolve these issues?


I know if it were me, it would involve walking out...but this is not my relationship. So what's your gameplan?

 

[vevster]

I told him were not married and he was like ok we can take care of that now.

I'm not ready to get married to him b/c I'm uncertain about some things.

He told me well when I decide let him know, he refused sex tonight b/c I wouldn't accept to sex on the terms that he could go in..

We can take care of that right now? LOL If my SO told me what he better have the ring a poppin! No junk either..

 

[pookaloo83]

I know I'm late but.

RUN....because

I hatechoo!

 

[goodmorningruby]

erplexed Having children is a serious matter and I would be offended by my SO using the issue as convenient, easy leverage in the event of disagreement. I will be frank. It's just childish to be this extreme. Obviously OP and her SO have more to talk about than marriage and having children.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

SO, not DH, giving an ultimatum about sex until you agree to have a baby? No ring was presented? There is obvious uncertainty about the future - which presumably has been discussed. Hmmm. I don't speak stupid so I have no advice on this situation.

However, I do have a former friend who had not 1 but 2 babies with her EX boyfriend. He poked holes in the condoms and admitted it after baby #2. She dumped him.