Ladies is it/was really that hard to find a good man?!

[Crystalicequeen123]

You've been one of the people who've inspired me!

I do find it interesting that women of pretty much every other race but black have no problem actively looking for a partner... and most of them find one too.

Okay, when you ladies say "actively looking", what do you mean? Because I'm "old-fashioned" and don't really believe in a woman chasing after/pursuing a man.

But if you mean "actively looking" in the sense that you go out, accept invitations to different parties or events where you can meet new people, then I completely understand and welcome that.

I just need clarification on what you all mean. Because I notice that a lot of ladies say that a good man finds you when you aren't even looking. And I have to admit actually...when I look back to all the men that were really interested in me, (and even the ones that I was REALLY interested in), I wasn't looking AT ALL for a guy. In fact, "finding a man" was the last thing on my mind!!

I just happened to go out one day w/friends and met him, or he moved to my area and started going to my church, or I met him through a friend of a friend, etc. But it wasn't like I had "man hunting" on the brain. In fact, most of the time I was just out having a good time, not giving a care in the world. I didn't even look at these guys and say to myself: "hmm...potential!" :scratchch

So....go figure!

 

[Bunny77]

Okay, when you ladies say "actively looking", what do you mean? Because I'm "old-fashioned" and don't really believe in a woman chasing after/pursuing a man.

But if you mean "actively looking" in the sense that you go out, accept invitations to different parties or events where you can meet new people, then I completely understand and welcome that.

I definitely mean the second paragraph! I'm totally NOT into chasing after a man or pursuing either. I tried that in my early 20s trying to be all modern and stuff and it totally backfired on me... so I "actively look" by simply putting myself in the presence of a lot of men (like you said, parties, events, gatherings, groups, etc.), and then hopefully increase my opportunities that I'll click with one!

I just need clarification on what you all mean. Because I notice that a lot of ladies say that a good man finds you when you aren't even looking. And I have to admit actually...when I look back to all the men that were really interested in me, (and even the ones that I was REALLY interested in), I wasn't looking AT ALL for a guy. In fact, "finding a man" was the last thing on my mind!!

I just happened to go out one day w/friends and met him, or he moved to my area and started going to my church, or I met him through a friend of a friend, etc. But it wasn't like I had "man hunting" on the brain. In fact, most of the time I was just out having a good time, not giving a care in the world. I didn't even look at these guys and say to myself: "hmm...potential!" :scratchch

So....go figure!

Hey, I say you have to do what has worked best for you. Regarding the bolded though, this has NEVER worked for me, and it's one of the cliches I've hated hearing most in my life! I think the reason that "not looking" hasn't worked for me is because I give off an impression of being very busy, focused and fulfilled in my single life... which is fine, but I know a lot of guys asked me in the past if I even wanted a relationship/marriage/family because I came off so, well, single, sassy and satisfied!

And that's supposedly what everyone tells you... live your life and a man will come naturally. But that just wasn't happening for me, and I really do wonder sometimes if you seem SO happy and content being single that you can fail to give off signals that you ARE interested in being with someone! I think this might be a problem for a lot of educated, professional, jet-setting and interesting single women!

This is why it was important for me to "actively look," and deliberately make it a point to carve out time for a potential relationship, because "not looking," only meant that relationships were "not happening."

 

[Sassy29]

It wasn't hard for me to find a good man. First of all, I wasn't looking for him, he was home on leave (airforce) and his brother introduced us and we became long distance friends for a while. Second, when I did date, which wasn't much, I chose men that had the same values that I had. I wasn't a smoker, heavy drinker, didn't club, and I enjoyed the simple things in life. If they didn't have those qualities right off, I didn't waste my time. I married my husband because he had the kind of qualities I was looking for in a man.

you lucked out. I don't do any of the things you mentioned. Are you saying that all of us don't have values????? I'm not getting your point. The truth is men do things on their own time when they are ready. When one of my best girlfriend bagged her DH his friends were shocked he was getting married. Yes he loves her but he always said he met her when he was ready for marriage. My point is if she met him a couple years earlier he would not be her husband.

 

[outspokenwallflower]

I didn't vote.

I believe it is hard to find a good man...I'm at that point where I have to be apprehensive because I thought I found a good man, then WHUPS, turns out he was a sweet talker with game who was good at bein sneaky behind my back.

But I have faith that there are good men out there...may be few, but they're out there, and I believe I'll find my very own someday.

 

[kismettt]

idk since i'm not looking.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

A few post up really just gave me a shout moment..when you look like your independent and happy you throw those vibes out there and it may make men not pursue..I have never had problems talking with men until a few yrs ago..I still have my problems and Im working them out with God but I have noticed since I dumped a 5 yr ham booty call I have been driven to do me my own job,car,and now I have a degree will have another in may and I have no kids I'm really independant that those vibes are turning men off..I wonder how do I turn the Im looking signals on..what button..

 

[Dare~to~Dream]

I didn't vote but I would say location plays a huge factor. I'm not looking because I know what the guys here are all about...if there were a few gems then they are all taken. Family members keep saying how they want me to meet a man and get married. If I stay here, more than likely that's not going to happen. I also believe one should actively try to find a guy (not pursue one but do the things another poster mentioned)...because there are those who are just waiting and waiting for "a good man to find them" and they've ended up being *old and lonely* still waiting and waiting for "a good man to find them."

 

[MissK7]

You get what you expect. period. there are plenty of good men in my world.

 

[Firstborn2]

i dont believe this...if you sit in your room 5 out of 7 days he aint going to find you...you have to make yourself available....but not desperate

I found a good man......so far so good...am i in love? No...but he wasnt what i expected....i was very unrealsitic with my expectations....now other qualities are more important...such as great work ethic/motivation ...financially alright/good and he can be average looking....not UGLY ...ill make up for cuteness

i think women think unrealistically sometimes and thats what makes things difficult..

This was so true for me...I had a so called "Perference", and I would only date men in my perference. Once I opened myself to other types, I found the man I've always wanted. Although he's not the height I perfer(we are the same height), in the end it didn't matter. He had all the qualities of a good man so I got over the height issue fast. We've been together a long time and he still treat me as though he is courting me. Although nobody is perfect he is perfect for me. I love him and I can honestly say I'm happy.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

No...you just have to be creative where you look...

 

[ambergirl]

I haven't read the whole thread so my apologies if this has already been discussed but I do believe good men are out there, but I find it hard sometimes to figure out whether or not you're dating one. I've dated a lot of men who were fine for the first few months and then all of a sudden this other side comes out that is not so good. I also have quite a few friends who thought they had a good man but come to find out years in to the marriage he was leading a double life, screwing around on the side, doing drugs, had kids, all kind of nonsense.

Makes me nervous about dating and I sometimes question my own ability to discern character because some of these dudes have come in highly attractive packages (smart, educated, accomplished, seemingly responsible and caring, etc).

 

[inspiration150]

I think it isn't hard if you are looking for the right things. I think its all a matter of finding the right one. Plus, I find a lot of women complain, but they aren't in that place in life where they can weed out the good from the bad. They still don't know what they want.

 

[mz tracy 25]

I don't think good men are hard to find. I think sometimes we as women don't know what a good man is. We have unreal or fantasy expectations and expect the man to be perfect. NO ONE is perfect! We all have flaws. We sometimes overlook that good man b/c he may be lacking in some area. My bff claims she can't find a good man to save her life, but I often remind her "how many times did you say, "oh he's too short, look at his car, I don't like how he dresses."

If he seems to good to be true, he probably is.

 

[moonglowdiva]

I post here about a year ago and I still feel the same. The Lord hasn't seen fit for me to be connected with a good man. Maybe he is trying to refine me into a good woman. IDK.

 

[Renewed1]

Everytime I come across an "ideal" guy:

He's either not interested in me

Or with someone

I guess it isn't my turn yet.


ETA: I don't have these tall fantasies of what my perfect man should be about. But THANK GOD! I can discern a good guy from a bad guy.

My sister was dating this guy and for all intent purposes he was good for her; but there was something about him I couldn't put my finger on.....found out later this short dude has a HUGE EGO/PRIDE complex. My sis couldn't deal so they broke up.

 

[aribell]

I don't find it difficult. I find it's more about accepting that my own life choices and direction may make otherwise "good" men ineligible.

Good men are definitely out there.

 

[*SkolarStar*]

I think the pickings for me are terrible, right now (l8r mayb not so much).
Aye yo check this:
Problem #1: I live in Milwaukee, WI.
a. Gun violence is extremely high (meaning guys in my generation are too busy killing each other).
b. A couple of years ago Milwaukee had the 2nd highest teen pregnancy rate (meaning when I was 16 or so, it was the girls and guys around me having babies. therefore almost all of the guys I meet now have a child)
Problem #2: I'm in college. I used to think that it would be great to meet a guy here but after my 808 & heartbreak in july, I'm so over that thought.
Problem #3: Whats up w/ this world ending in 2012?? You mean to tell me that everyone else is allowed to be happily married with families and what not but I can't because the world will be over by then??? That sucks.

By no means am I discouraged by this. I just spend the time I have to focus on myself, shop (just got the VS catalog for the semi-annual sale ), and do things that make ME happy. God will send him to me someway somehow. Matthew 6:10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

 

[Almaz]

No not at all. Just depends on what kind of man you want

 

[janiebaby]

No not at all. Just depends on what kind of man you want

I agree. I meet great men alot. Am I attracted to most of them? No. Not to say that every man that goes past me is a great man but I guess I don't even notice losers any more. My senses start tingling when I see them far off in the distance, it's like gaydar or something.

Is it hard finding a good man that you want? Definitely

Being single is a choice.

Sometimes a good choice=not settling
Sometimes a bad choice=too picky

But it is a choice....

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Nope, he found me. I prayed and did my thing, be a beautiful, feminine, fun person inside and out. Thats all.

 

[mEmYSELFaNDj]

I found my good man when I was not even looking for one. When I stopped caring about finding a man or being in a relationship, thats when The ONE found me. When I was looking for one, I ran into nothing but sorry drama filled lying loser guys.

 

[TLC1020]

I won't say it is hard to find a good man but finding one that is ready to settle down and committ to one woman is the big question...

I have met some great men in my life but it wasn't the right time..