Ladies is it/was really that hard to find a good man?!

[Theo]

I think there are good guys out there. I know quite a few. My problem is that I don't fit with any of them. I might be one of those really picky people. Oh well.

 

[czyfaith77]

Oh and you're not supposed to be trying to find him. He should be trying to find you.

My sentiments exactly and that is how it happened for me.

 

[babydollhair]

I dont think you are supposed to find him. He will find you!!!

 

[missjones]

I dont think you are supposed to find him. He will find you!!!

He's taking too long

 

[MzLady78]

Honestly, I don't see how it's even possible to get a good sense of whether or not this is true.

Of course, most of the women in relationships are gonna be like "no, I found one" and those who've been looking forever are gonna say "yeah, it is".

That said, I think it is.

If it was just me having a hard time, I'd be inclined to say that maybe I'm the problem, but this is the case for the majority of my female friends. We can't all be completely screwed up, LOL.

 

[spelmanlocks]

I am married, but I don't think its easy to find a good man out here unless you expand your social scene, not necessarily parties, but just being out of the house in general. Unless, you are looking online which I always encourage my single friends to do. You never know where you may meet the one. I met my husband unexpectedly at a birthday party in college, I don't think he was looking for a wife, but God led us to each other.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

I dont think you are supposed to find him. He will find you!!!

girl, jerks find you this way too, it happens in any way possible finding a good'un or a bad'un

 

[*5+5]

Honestly, I don't see how it's even possible to get a good sense of whether or not this is true.

Of course, most of the women in relationships are gonna be like "no, I found one" and those who've been looking forever are gonna say "yeah, it is".

That said, I think it is.

If it was just me having a hard time, I'd be inclined to say that maybe I'm the problem, but this is the case for the majority of my female friends. We can't all be completely screwed up, LOL.

IA, with all of the above. I have a boyfriend and I'm just glad that my good man & I have made it as far as we have, considering all the horror stories out there. I have single friends and I know of women who aren't 'messed' up that are having a difficult time finding a good man. Check the #s...it doesn't necessarily turn in their favor. I remember when Irreplaceable was hot, SO & my brother was saying, "girls need not get it twisted w/that to the left stuff b/c women are always looking for a good man, while a good man can always have his pick"

I don't believe good men are a dime a dozen like people think...esp. ones that are ready to committ. My church is full of beautiful, successful single women. erplexed

 

[MzLady78]

IA, with all of the above. I have a boyfriend and I'm just glad that my good man & I have made it as far as we have, considering all the horror stories out there. I have single friends and I know of women who aren't 'messed' up that are having a difficult time finding a good man. Check the #s...it doesn't necessarily turn in their favor. I remember when Irreplaceable was hot, SO & my brother was saying, "girls need not get it twisted w/that to the left stuff b/c women are always looking for a good man, while a good man can always have his pick"

I don't believe good men are a dime a dozen like people think...esp. ones that are ready to committ. My church is full of beautiful, successful single women. erplexed

Exactly. I'm talking about women who are attractive, no children, good jobs, own spot and really pleasant to be around. Yet they're pushing 40 and not even dating. We were having a convo the other day about ideal mates and no one is holding out for a 6'5 dude making 6 figures, pushing a BMW and with a friggin anaconda in his pants. That's why it's so crazy to me. We don't have unrealistic expectations, yet it's still so hard.

 

[Farida]

The more open-minded you are, the more good men there are out there. Plenty.

If you have a super rigid, detailed checklist, then no.

 

[Farida]

men do it too.

I have a friend, 26, virgin with a master's in engineering. Works, owns a home. Nice guy, Christian and very involved in church.

He always tells me how he can't find a good woman. Whenever he has a girl he will break up with her for what IMO are petty reasons. Like:
she doesn't dress sexy
she wants us to get married after 3 years of dating

blah blah

I'm like man, open your eyes. He let a really good girl go for reason #1 above. She was a professional, employed, sweet girl, active in the community did charity work both donations and hands dirty type of work, she was fun to hang out with - this is according to him.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

It wasn't hard for me to find a good man. First of all, I wasn't looking for him, he was home on leave (airforce) and his brother introduced us and we became long distance friends for a while. Second, when I did date, which wasn't much, I chose men that had the same values that I had. I wasn't a smoker, heavy drinker, didn't club, and I enjoyed the simple things in life. If they didn't have those qualities right off, I didn't waste my time. I married my husband because he had the kind of qualities I was looking for in a man.

 

[awhyley]

If you are a good woman, you will attract a good man.

Please. If you know how many losers are on the lookout for the 'good woman', it really discourages me. I've been told that my standards are too high and that I'll never find someone, even though I thought that my list was very general for non-judgemental. *sigh* Still looking.

 

[tiara76]

"When you find your path, you will also find your love story. People today are consumed by doubts about their relationships: Have I found the right partner? Am I being true to myself? Have I given the best part of myself away? As a result, there is a restless kind of consumer shopping for partners, as if the "right" one can be found by toting up a potential mate's pluses and minuses until the number of pluses matches some mythical standard. The path to love, however, is never about externals. However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is a mirror of who you are inside. Our culture hasn't taught us this (as it has failed to teach us so much about spiritual realities). When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. Every conflict you wage is an excuse not to face a conflict within. The path to love therefore clears up a monumental mistake that millions of people make--the mistake that someone "out there" is going to give (or take) something that is not already yours. When you truly find love, you find yourself."

external "good" factors on a woman...successful, pretty, etc don't really mean anything if she's not internally shining ...whether running into "good" or "bad" men its usually a reflection somewhere in there.....some of the men who seem to be the worst to one, turns out to be the best to another.....in a natural order women are the lovers, nurturers, growers and if a woman hasn't cultivated that loving nature, from within she may be pulling out or experiencing the "bad" in the men.....when she has or is working on it...she may pull out that good man inside and pull him up into love...some women make the mistake of giving their all in a delusion that they are "loving" him while not even having love to begin with and wonder why he's not responding or acting even worse

 

[Spongie Bloom]

i think you are on point Tiara another point is that geograpy matters too, i mean sometimes where you live is not really the right place for you not just about love life but everything else. I find that when you love the place you live everything falls into place, friends, job and love life. Im not even talking about deadbeat men, im talking about the ones who are alright let me give you an example, im living in a city i dont love and i wish i could be anywhere else but here but i just cant be bothered to change colleges and all that i just want to finish my degree and then i'll be gone. No one i have met here really interests me that much. Being in a relationship was something i found easy until i moved to the place i dont love. So if you dont liek where you live that impacts on so much more I know im not putting this as logically as i can but i do hope y'all get the picture

 

[noemi]

Please. If you know how many losers are on the lookout for the 'good woman', it really discourages me. I've been told that my standards are too high and that I'll never find someone, even though I thought that my list was very general for non-judgemental. *sigh* Still looking.

I'm speaking from my experience. Once I got myself together quality men that met my standards

​

starting pouring in. Same thing for countless other people I know. Not one is with a loser. The signs are there, losers can only hide their strips for so long.
Also, alot of factors go into it. Not too many 'losers' hang out where we are usually at. The activities we partake in weeds alot of contenders out, not that you can't run into a few, it's drastically reduced. But that's a whole nother thread.

 

[envybeauty]

I'm speaking from my experience. Once I got myself together quality men that met my standards starting pouring in. Same thing for countless other people I know. Not one is with a loser. The signs are there, losers can only hide their strips for so long.

Excellent point.


A LOT of women have high standards for the man that they want, but they do not meet their own standards. They will bounce from job to job as a clerical assistant, barely making $50,000, renting an apartment but want a man who is a VP, making six figures, owns several homes, etc. They barely work out, have all sorts of back fat and side rolls but want a man with a six pack. I could go on and on.

 

[noemi]

^^^^^envybeauty is right in point.

You want a man on his A game. You BETTER be on yours. You can't expect a man who at the top of his game that probably could have his pick of women to chose to pursue a woman who isn't on point. Your body, spirit, education, finances etc. must be in point. Like Bint said, you can't be looking like Della Reese going for Denzel. You can't expect quality and you are not quality. There are plenty if men out there, and you may have to expand your realm and do new things with different people to expose yourself to quality men.

 

[Vinyl]

^^^^^envybeauty is right in point.

You want a man on his A game. You BETTER be on yours. You can't expect a man who at the top of his game that probably could have his pick of women to chose to pursue a woman who isn't on point. Your body, spirit, education, finances etc. must be in point. Like Bint said, you can't be looking like Della Reese going for Denzel. You can't expect quality and you are not quality. There are plenty if men out there, and you may have to expand your realm and do new things with different people to expose yourself to quality men.

This is true. I have a friend who's on point with all of those things and he tells me he only wants to date a woman who has the same qualifications as he does.

 

[envybeauty]

IA, with all of the above. I have a boyfriend and I'm just glad that my good man & I have made it as far as we have, considering all the horror stories out there. I have single friends and I know of women who aren't 'messed' up that are having a difficult time finding a good man. Check the #s...it doesn't necessarily turn in their favor. I remember when Irreplaceable was hot, SO & my brother was saying, "girls need not get it twisted w/that to the left stuff b/c women are always looking for a good man, while a good man can always have his pick"

I don't believe good men are a dime a dozen like people think...esp. ones that are ready to committ. My church is full of beautiful, successful single women. erplexed

if that were true, plenty of men THAT I KNOW would have been married by now.

problem with some men is that they are not all that "good."

some lack "good" values. not faithful, dedicated, respectful, honest, etc.

some are not "good" on paper (unemployed, uneducated, jump from job to job, spend money on rims rather than a home, etc.)

not to mention the select few who are just not good looking.

i hate when men act like all men are "good" and can just pick and choose the pick of the litter....brotha please. PLENTY of men are single because they are not all THAT either. a lot of women could have been married by now to tuffless, trifiling, or trumped up tyrone but they chose to dodge that bullet. same with men. they could have married big shirley but they chose not to.

i know several professional men shy of 40 not married simply because they claim they only meet educated fat black women (their words)...and the slim ones are not as educated/interesting to them. if they were all that great, they would have had ivy educated models knocking down their doors. these "good" men are holding out for certain things in a woman/wife AND some women are holding out for certain things in a man.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

if that were true, plenty of men THAT I KNOW would have been married by now.

problem with some men is that they are not all that "good."

some lack "good" values. not faithful, dedicated, respectful, honest, etc.

some are not "good" on paper (unemployed, uneducated, jump from job to job, spend money on rims rather than a home, etc.)

not to mention the select few who are just not good looking.

i hate when men act like all men are "good" and can just pick and choose the pick of the litter....brotha please. PLENTY of men are single because they are not all THAT either. a lot of women could have been married by now to tuffless, trifiling, or trumped up tyrone but they chose to dodge that bullet. same with men. they could have married big shirley but they chose not to.

i know several professional men shy of 40 not married simply because they claim they only meet educated fat black women (their words)...and the slim ones are not as educated/interesting to them. if they were all that great, they would have had ivy educated models knocking down their doors. these "good" men are holding out for certain things in a woman/wife AND some women are holding out for certain things in a man.

yeah i think this whole thing about men being able to pick and choose from a wide selction like they are at a pick and mix is untrue i mena iunless if someone lives in a city that really has a mad ratio of men and women then yeah but i think this whole thing of men picking and choosing is sensationalised and some dead beats also use that line to make you know what you could be missing

men also struggle finding the right one, my brother hasnt really dated anyone seriously in about 5 yrs he is a good man and very well educated. the being left on the shelf is not just a 21st phenomena pple have always been looking for their soulmate since the beginning of time how many books talk about this very subject....i just think that we tend to notice something when we are closer to it i dont notice it as much cause im 22 and not looking to settle down but if i were older maybe i would i think there is a blance in the world in regrds to finding a partner, in life there always is.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

if that were true, plenty of men THAT I KNOW would have been married by now.

problem with some men is that they are not all that "good."

some lack "good" values. not faithful, dedicated, respectful, honest, etc.

some are not "good" on paper (unemployed, uneducated, jump from job to job, spend money on rims rather than a home, etc.)

not to mention the select few who are just not good looking.

i hate when men act like all men are "good" and can just pick and choose the pick of the litter....brotha please. PLENTY of men are single because they are not all THAT either. a lot of women could have been married by now to tuffless, trifiling, or trumped up tyrone but they chose to dodge that bullet. same with men. they could have married big shirley but they chose not to.

i know several professional men shy of 40 not married simply because they claim they only meet educated fat black women (their words)...and the slim ones are not as educated/interesting to them. if they were all that great, they would have had ivy educated models knocking down their doors. these "good" men are holding out for certain things in a woman/wife AND some women are holding out for certain things in a man.

I'm sorry but I sho' hope none of these dudes could stand to lose a few pounds themselves.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

"When you find your path, you will also find your love story. People today are consumed by doubts about their relationships: Have I found the right partner? Am I being true to myself? Have I given the best part of myself away? As a result, there is a restless kind of consumer shopping for partners, as if the "right" one can be found by toting up a potential mate's pluses and minuses until the number of pluses matches some mythical standard. The path to love, however, is never about externals. However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is a mirror of who you are inside. Our culture hasn't taught us this (as it has failed to teach us so much about spiritual realities). When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. Every conflict you wage is an excuse not to face a conflict within. The path to love therefore clears up a monumental mistake that millions of people make--the mistake that someone "out there" is going to give (or take) something that is not already yours. When you truly find love, you find yourself."

external "good" factors on a woman...successful, pretty, etc don't really mean anything if she's not internally shining ...whether running into "good" or "bad" men its usually a reflection somewhere in there.....some of the men who seem to be the worst to one, turns out to be the best to another.....in a natural order women are the lovers, nurturers, growers and if a woman hasn't cultivated that loving nature, from within she may be pulling out or experiencing the "bad" in the men.....when she has or is working on it...she may pull out that good man inside and pull him up into love...some women make the mistake of giving their all in a delusion that they are "loving" him while not even having love to begin with and wonder why he's not responding or acting even worse

Chuuuuuuuuch!!!!

Back to the "restless consumer shopping for partners," I'm really convinced that there is a lot of this going on in modern-day dating. It's like you meant someone, they're great, but feeling like you can "trade up" for someone more ideal. And the matter of fact is that you could have been perfectly happy, satisfied, and fulfilled in a relationship with person A as long as each person was committed and willing to make it work.

 

[envybeauty]

I'm sorry but I sho' hope none of these dudes could stand to lose a few pounds themselves.

they are actually quite fit and workout regularly. Some boast about their 5, 6, 9% body fat

 

[tiara76]

just like with women...external factors only represent the superficial part of a person...and alot of people hold those externals more valuable than the internal factors, and with men who think they are "good" dudes because they have a nice body, look good have money can be some of the most miserable, low self esteem insecure men....and they complain about not having a "good" pool of women to pick from....they do their best to put out those superficial qualities while lacking substance and complain its hard to find a woman with substance

 

[aribell]

I think there are good guys out there. I know quite a few. My problem is that I don't fit with any of them. I might be one of those really picky people. Oh well.

Co-signing. I really, truly think it depends on your environment. At one point in time I found myself just surrounded with all-around great black men...very few of whom I was deeply compatible with, for good reasons. Just life direction kind of stuff. I rarely ever feel like there aren't good men out there, but I often feel like I might not find the one for me, given my life goals and interests. (just trusting God for that)

girl, jerks find you this way too, it happens in any way possible finding a good'un or a bad'un

Please. If you know how many losers are on the lookout for the 'good woman', it really discourages me.

Just experienced this today. There are men who have little to nothing going for them, but want to leech onto your togetherness. This guy today told me I must be his soulmate because I had x, y, and z going for me and don't have any children. When I asked if he had any, he said "yes," and then told me I was wrong for telling him he had a double standard. We were on completely different levels as far as life goals were concerned, but he didn't think he needed to bring anything to the table.

Also, at one point, had three men in a row expressly say how happy they were to find a woman with a good head on her shoulders (tired of all those "chicken-heads", they said), but did they have a good head on theirs? Not so much...

So, yes, a good woman will attract good men, but a good woman will also attract bad men who are just looking to take. It's not necessarily reflective of anything negative within you.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Just experienced this today. There are men who have little to nothing going for them, but want to leech onto your togetherness. This guy today told me I must be his soulmate because I had x, y, and z going for me and don't have any children. When I asked if he had any, he said "yes," and then told me I was wrong for telling him he had a double standard. We were on completely different levels as far as life goals were concerned, but he didn't think he needed to bring anything to the table.

Also, at one point, had three men in a row expressly say how happy they were to find a woman with a good head on her shoulders (tired of all those "chicken-heads", they said), but did they have a good head on theirs? Not so much...

So, yes, a good woman will attract good men, but a good woman will also attract bad men who are just looking to take. It's not necessarily reflective of anything negative within you.

 

[tiara76]

Just experienced this today. There are men who have little to nothing going for them, but want to leech onto your togetherness. This guy today told me I must be his soulmate because I had x, y, and z going for me and don't have any children. When I asked if he had any, he said "yes," and then told me I was wrong for telling him he had a double standard. We were on completely different levels as far as life goals were concerned, but he didn't think he needed to bring anything to the table.

Also, at one point, had three men in a row expressly say how happy they were to find a woman with a good head on her shoulders (tired of all those "chicken-heads", they said), but did they have a good head on theirs? Not so much...

So, yes, a good woman will attract good men, but a good woman will also attract bad men who are just looking to take. It's not necessarily reflective of anything negative within you.

women will attract a wide variety of men...good or bad.....when we are choosing a taker then we think we are in a position to give, and more times than not because we "expect" and want something back from them......its not uncommon for people to be in a relationship with somebody where one is more of a "giver" and the other is a "taker".....trying to get what u have, mainly because they don't have it..and that could consist of inner and outer externals.....and the "givers" give mainly because they want something back from that other person, most of the time some sort of love without realizing its very very hard for somebody who doesn't have it to give or share n e thing back.....

relationships fare much better when people are sharing what they already have....inner/outer gifts......give/take relationships can be draining, frustrating and disappointing for most people who aren't capable or have unreal expectations of the outcome of it

 

[2Cute!]

I believe that water seeks it's own level. In other words, you attract what you are. If you are generally a good person who gives off positive energy, then you will most certainly attract that back into your life.

 

[MizAvalon]

men do it too.

I have a friend, 26, virgin with a master's in engineering. Works, owns a home. Nice guy, Christian and very involved in church.

He always tells me how he can't find a good woman. Whenever he has a girl he will break up with her for what IMO are petty reasons. Like:
she doesn't dress sexy
she wants us to get married after 3 years of dating

blah blah

I'm like man, open your eyes. He let a really good girl go for reason #1 above. She was a professional, employed, sweet girl, active in the community did charity work both donations and hands dirty type of work, she was fun to hang out with - this is according to him.

If he's a Christian virgin why does he want his girlfriend dressing sexy?erplexed