Marriages lasting 20, 30, 50 years....No infidelity?

[cocoberry10]

You seem to have a little animosity towards anyone that CHOOSES to believe it is possible. We are the creators of our own reality through our thinking. That is all.

I agree with this, and I am not denying that there is cheating in marriages, but the funny thing is, the same people who want to believe that ALL marriages have cheating, can't even begin to believe that there are actually people who don't cheat. It's rather funny to me! As I said before, all marriages have problems, and cheating may or may not be that issue!

 

[cocoberry10]

This issue reminds me of if people "appear" happy they must be happy...Yet we hear many years later about spousal abuse, or incest or some other very real life tragedy.

Nobody knows what is going on in someone's relationship.

Happens all the time adult children confessing " I didn't know it was happening" and THEY LIVED THERE.

So to all the people that say my parents had a marriage free of infidelity...You will never know.and you never know that they may be right. I don't think anyone can say 100%, I just find it quite ironic that you can't believe it's possible that they really didn't have infidelity. I'm not sure what you saw or were exposed to, but guess what, everything works both ways. That's all I'm saying!

You should take your own advice Cuz the coin flips both ways

See my response in red.

 

[cocoberry10]

This is kind of how I feel. I kind of want to be realistic with marriage. I want to be in long lasting relationship. You have people that only last 5 years and divorce at the first sign of infidelity and then you have marriages that last for so long. Is it because they both stayed faithful or were they able to overcome infidelity and other issues.

I think it's both. Just because two people DON'T cheat on each other, doesn't mean that they have a good marriage. And just because infidelity DOES happen, doesn't mean a marriage can't be rebuilt, and end up stronger than it was BEFORE the infidelity.

What makes me laugh at some of these responses, is the way some people are so quick, NOT to believe that there are actually couples out here that have never stepped outside of their marriage physically (on ANY level) or even given themselves emotionally to someone else.

You can (and will) have a HOST of problems in a marriage, and cheating is one of the POSSIBILITIES of those problems, but not necessarily the RULE.

But, again, carry on! For those that want to believe EVERYONE cheats, I would wonder why you would even want to get or be married. Maybe you think it's like eating or brushing teeth...a routine!

 

[dlewis]

I believe it's possible though I don't know of any 20+ year marriages where both people have remained faithful. But then again I don't know of any 20+ year marriages where the people like each other.

 

[MD_Lady]

I agree with this, and I am not denying that there is cheating in marriages, but the funny thing is, the same people who want to believe that ALL marriages have cheating, can't even begin to believe that there are actually people who don't cheat. It's rather funny to me! As I said before, all marriages have problems, and cheating may or may not be that issue!

Exactly. Cheating is a choice and people are unfaithful because they make the conscious decision (read: this isn't like an involuntary action like a heartbeat) to do so. Men and women will themselves to do ALL sorts of things and I don't understand why it's so hard to believe that many people put being a faithful spouse (through good times and bad) on that list. No, I'm not saying that it's always easy nor am I saying that everyone is up for the challenge, but to act like being faithful for your entire marriage is impossible? Come on now...

 

[Highly Favored8]

I thinks so, it happened for my parents, grand-parents I love it when couples stay together for a long time.

 

[alexstin]

Exactly. Cheating is a choice and people are unfaithful because they make the conscious decision (read: this isn't like an involuntary action like a heartbeat) to do so. Men and women will themselves to do ALL sorts of things and I don't understand why it's so hard to believe that many people put being a faithful spouse (through good times and bad) on that list. No, I'm not saying that it's always easy nor am I saying that everyone is up for the challenge, but to act like being faithful for your entire marriage is impossible? Come on now...

Yep, yep annndddd yep.

 

[Summer_Rain]

My grandparents have been married for 57 years and I know my grandfather cheated at least once. That said, I'd consider myself lucky to have a husband as loving, dedicated and committed to me & our family as my grandfather is to my grandmother.

 

[aribell]

I appreciate all the comments of posters who list their parents as having happy marriages...I also infer that many of the posters that have this belief are single. (i know some are married)

Just because there is infidelity does not mean that the marriage can't be happy again.

Unfortunately single people that answer this question is like a childless person answering a question about raising children...neither has a clue.

A man (and some women) admitting infidelity is like solving a mystery in the Bible...You will never know and will have to trust that it is so...

I get what you're saying about singles not understanding the dynamics of marriage, but I don't think the difficulty of marriage is really the point here. As others have said, this is another thing that comes down to the choices that people make, and what seems to be at the root of the argument "Of course no one stays faithful (or at least no men)" is the idea that no one has the character or wherewithall to remain faithful, or even that no one is happy enough in their relationship to not cheat, and that's what seems more impossible to me, just on principle.

I hear all the time people saying, "Oh, no one is honest enough to do x," or "No one is self-sacrificing enough to do y," and I end up being like, "Um, not so much. I know several who are." And on the infidelity thing, I know too many older married men who would take sincere offense at the idea that because they are men, they must not have the love or self-control to be faithful to their wives.

Of course you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but that doesn't prove anything, either. I see no reason to assume something bad; and it seems that assuming such only leads to lowered expectations at the outset. Again, people's expectations of others and the world are shaped by their own particular experiences, and so everyone's going to have a different p.o.v; but I do get weary of hearing people project their perspective onto the world, assuming that because something hasn't been a part of their experience that it's not a part of anyone else's. I end up wanting to ask, "So, since you and everyone you've ever known is a cheater, I have to be one too?"

Besides, I don't think anyone has said that even most marriages are faithful, only that some are and that it is indeed possible.

 

[treybaby2005]

Exactly, nobody knows jack, including you. It's funny how you are so quick to say that if someone has been married >20 years, there's been infidelity, yet, you can't wrap your hands around the possibility that there HAS NOT been infidelity in some marriages. No offense to you, but you remind me of the women that live by the "all men are dogs" philosophy. If that's what you believe, that's what you'll attract.

I don't care what anyone says, there have been marriages where there was NO CHEATING. I don't care if you believe that or not. That is some people's reality. I can't tell you percentage, but I'm sure of that reality!

Hell, there were people who believed we would never have a Black President, but now we do. There were slaves who probably thought Blacks would never be emancipated, but we are. So guess what? There are men (and women) who stay faithful. If you can't believe that or don't want to, that's your choice. But don't ever think you can make me think the way you do...cuz I won't!

P.S. I really wish there was a NO THANK YOU button

But go ahead, and carry on with your negativity, if that's what you want to believe

Amen!I would hope to think that my fh will not cheat on me.And I hope he feels the same way.(i keep telling myself to stay out these threads til May 16,2009)

 

[SugarBaby]

I believe it's possible though I don't know of any 20+ year marriages where both people have remained faithful. But then again I don't know of any 20+ year marriages where the people like each other.

Thanks, D...I agree.


I have given my POV, only mine, I have not tried to force anyone to accept my POV or even say They are wrong.

I only said I did not agree a marriage > 20 yrs was free of infidelity. Thats my POV.

No, Coco, I don't think all men are dogs, I don't even think a few are dogs.

I believe in the fraility of "MAN" and accept that sometimes people allow others/or situations to erode the convenant that was made 20,30 or 40 yrs prior.

Infidelity does not mean a marriage should end nor does it mean the "cheater" is a bad person. It means they are human.

I apologize if I have given anyone the belief to not choose not to be hopeful in their marriage. That was not my intention and certainly not my belief. I will be hoping right along side you....

Where I differ I think is that I am not shocked by much. I am not shocked by people's lack of commitment. (my POV) It is rare to find a couple that will not face the infidelity issue at some point.

Do I believe that infidelity will not happen ever....No I don't.

I hope this clears the air.

 

[Lucie]

It is quite apparent that some want to believe that cheating does NOT exist in certain marriages, so by all means believe what you will. There's no point to go back and forth about it, because as much as you think you know, you don't. And yes, that does work both way. There's no need to be snippy with one another. Hit dogs holler!!!

 

[OhmyKimB]

Hmm... I know a couple marriages that have lasted...my grandparents, my godmother and right now my cousins. Most people in my family have lost spouses to death. Not to cheating. I'm not knocking anyone for thinking it can't happen. But to me it seems like a sad ideal to hold. It's like wishing things upon yourself.

ETA: Why would someone think that everyone cheats? Sorry I just started to think about? If that's what your reality is surrounded by then why not be that change? Instead of accepting that all people are going to cheat???


Well let me set my own reality. I will never cheat on my husband. And I firmly believe and speak into my life that my husband will not cheat on me. And after I get married I'll be back in 20 years to prove it.

 

[OhmyKimB]

All my good friends whose parents are married have never cheated and been married either almost or 20+ years.

 

[Lucie]

All my good friends whose parents are married have never cheated and been married either almost or 20+ years.

Not to be combatative, but how do you really know? If your husband is cheating on you (not you per se) and you call his cell phone to see what he wants for dinner, will he say, "Hey hon, I am getting head from ex-girlfriend, steak is fine, be home in 20 minutes!" I am not knocking people for believing in the people they say are faithful, but no one tells you everything.

Did you know my gynecologist asked my husband to leave when he discusses my sexual history with me. Since I have nothing to hide, I tell the doctor it's okay, but he has told me MANY, MANY women tell him in advance not to discuss "certain" things in front of their husband.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I guess the only person you can be sure of that hasn't cheated is yourself. Whether your spouse cheats or not, you may or may not ever find out.

I have been married for over 16 years, and I don't think my DH has cheated, but if he has, I don't know about it. I can only seriously answer for myself.

 

[OhmyKimB]

Not to be combatative, but how do you really know? If your husband is cheating on you (not you per se) and you call his cell phone to see what he wants for dinner, will he say, "Hey hon, I am getting head from ex-girlfriend, steak is fine, be home in 20 minutes!" I am not knocking people for believing in the people they say are faithful, but no one tells you everything.

Did you know my gynecologist asked my husband to leave when he discusses my sexual history with me. Since I have nothing to hide, I tell the doctor it's okay, but he has told me MANY, MANY women tell him in advance not to discuss "certain" things in front of their husband.

Uh no seeing as I'm not married I don't really know what a gynecologist would say to a husband in the room. I actually don't know why he would be in there anyway.

I understand your not being combatative but when I say good and can actually say it, means these are friends I've grown up and been all up through their business. So yes, to the folks I was referring to yes I know.

No one tells you everything but that doesn't mean that you believe nothing. You believe that no one tells you everything meaning everything is possible, and your right everything is possible but nothing is impossible.

So there's no saying or believing that a marriage can't last 20 years without someone cheating. Nothing is impossible.

 

[Lucie]

Uh no seeing as I'm not married I don't really know what a gynecologist would say to a husband in the room. I actually don't know why he would be in there anyway.

I understand your not being combatative but when I say good and can actually say it, means these are friends I've grown up and been all up through their business. So yes, to the folks I was referring to yes I know.

No one tells you everything but that doesn't mean that you believe nothing. You believe that no one tells you everything meaning everything is possible, and your right everything is possible but nothing is impossible.

So there's no saying or believing that a marriage can't last 20 years without someone cheating. Nothing is impossible.

Well, if a man's wife was having a medical issue/procedure he would be there, no?

I liked the bolded statement.

 

[OhmyKimB]

Well, if a man's wife was having a medical issue/procedure he would be there, no?

I liked the bolded statement.

Sorry I wasn't being rude, I'll admit I am still young and other then going in the doctor office when my mom was sick and they were taking her to the hospital I really wouldn't see a reason for it....like a pap smear?erplexed

 

[FemmeCreole]

I believe it can happen

 

[mango387]

How are we defining cheating?

Sex only-Yes, I know of long-term marriages where I truly believe people have stayed faithful sexually.

Other stuff-VERY, VERY FEW... (I grew up around several couples who had 25+ year marriages, and many of them have had "moments of weakness").

The first time I understood cheating was when a little old lady asked one of the mission mothers if she could bake her husband a cakeerplexed.

 

[aribell]

***deleted***

 

[kayte]

my parents were married 50 years before my father passed away.
Never apart. I knew many dads were in the street and exhibited the kind of behavior that indicated cheating was either happening or inevitable...

My dad NEVER made catcalls or whistled or looked at other women ever...or lit their cigarrettes or made sexual innuendos...
it would just never have occuured to him ..the light of his life was my mother
he KISSED the holy ground she walked..I kid you not
loyal to the point of ...sacrificial

I have never seen a more lovesick man in my entire life
cas my mom can be a super diva and I always thought my dad had patiece of Job
maybe that was the attraction
she was a Rules wife~
but I saw true devotion and true love betwen them
she's so lost without him now

He was a an always stay at home after work husband and father..the extent of his extracurricular activities was to coach little league and sit on community boards at town meetings and and wait on me in his car while I attended catechism or basketball practice

that was IT..you always knew where he was...
in the family den.. quietly reading the paper and watching television

I asked him....knowing other dads were clearly fooling around...
why my father didn't

he said there was not one woman in the world who could ever hold a candle to my mom
he was head over heels
ALL HIS LIFE

and then he said
besides those girls want money!!!

the kind of man I want to marry is like my dad
he'd have walked on fire for my mother
oh..wait...he did

 

[skatergurljubulee]

It's just as easy to assume that every marriage has infidelity as it is to say that every marriage can have fidilety.
I know my parents were faithful to each other (father has since passed- they were married for over twenty five years).
Just because I wasn't all up in their marriage DOES NOT mean they one or both cheated.

I'm married now. Because DH and I are completely honest with each other, we will not have cheating in our marriage. Divorce is not an option.
Cheating doesn't just "happen". It's not like walking down the street and tripping on a pebble. You have to actively want to do it, and pursue it.

Yes, we've been married for only five years, but I'm dictating how my marriage will be by my words and actions. If I think cheating is a possibility, then I'm already admitting defeat. So... cheating is not a possibility.

 

[Lucie]

Sorry I wasn't being rude, I'll admit I am still young and other then going in the doctor office when my mom was sick and they were taking her to the hospital I really wouldn't see a reason for it....like a pap smear?erplexed

Oh sweetie, you don't have to apologize. I have gone to the ER and had some medical issues where my husband was there and I was just using that as an example.

 

[skatergurljubulee]

my parents were married 50 years before my father passed away.
Never apart. I knew many dads were in the street and exhibited the kind of behavior that indicated cheating was either happening or inevitable...

My dad NEVER made catcalls or whistled or looked at other women ever...or lit their cigarrettes or made sexual innuendos...
it would just never have occuured to him ..the light of his life was my mother
he KISSED the holy ground she walked..I kid you not
loyal to the point of ...sacrificial

I have never seen a more lovesick man in my entire life
cas my mom can be a super diva and I always thought my dad had patiece of Job
maybe that was the attraction
she was a Rules wife~
but I saw true devotion and true love betwen them
she's so lost without him now

He was a an always stay at home after work husband and father..the extent of his extracurricular activities was to coach little league and sit on community boards at town meetings and and wait on me in his car while I attended catechism or basketball practice

that was IT..you always knew where he was...
in the family den.. quietly reading the paper and watching television

I asked him....knowing other dads were clearly fooling around...
why my father didn't

he said there was not one woman in the world who could ever hold a candle to my mom
he was head over heels
ALL HIS LIFE

and then he said
besides those girls want money!!!

the kind of man I want to marry is like my dad
he'd have walked on fire for my mother
oh..wait...he did

What a wonderful story! Your mom sounds great and your father had a great sense of humor.
You described my parents relationship to a T. Though, moms isn't exactly a Diva.

 

[cocoberry10]

Who knows...

One never knows what goes on in a marriage, no matter the outward appearances, but the two in it...

On a silly note, sometimes one of the two in it doesn't know what's going on (and this doesn't even have to relate to infidelity)

 

[cocoberry10]

I get what you're saying about singles not understanding the dynamics of marriage, but I don't think the difficulty of marriage is really the point here. As others have said, this is another thing that comes down to the choices that people make, and what seems to be at the root of the argument "Of course no one stays faithful (or at least no men)" is the idea that no one has the character or wherewithall to remain faithful, or even that no one is happy enough in their relationship to not cheat, and that's what seems more impossible to me, just on principle.

I hear all the time people saying, "Oh, no one is honest enough to do x," or "No one is self-sacrificing enough to do y," and I end up being like, "Um, not so much. I know several who are." And on the infidelity thing, I know too many older married men who would take sincere offense at the idea that because they are men, they must not have the love or self-control to be faithful to their wives.

Of course you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but that doesn't prove anything, either. I see no reason to assume something bad; and it seems that assuming such only leads to lowered expectations at the outset. Again, people's expectations of others and the world are shaped by their own particular experiences, and so everyone's going to have a different p.o.v; but I do get weary of hearing people project their perspective onto the world, assuming that because something hasn't been a part of their experience that it's not a part of anyone else's. I end up wanting to ask, "So, since you and everyone you've ever known is a cheater, I have to be one too?"

Besides, I don't think anyone has said that even most marriages are faithful, only that some are and that it is indeed possible.

Thank you so much for this post! It's exactly what I think as well. I respect that I will just have to agree to disagree.

I mean, even those who can say "I don't know anyone like X, Y, Z." Just b/c you don't know it, or don't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

For years, very few people knew of the Skulls and Bones, but IT was going on.

So, even if you've never seen a marriage where two people were faithful, doesn't mean that there aren't marriages like that.

Again, I think the bigger question we should be asking is, what the heck am I going to have to deal with in my marriage. B/c EVERYONE is going to deal with SOMETHING!

 

[cocoberry10]

Thanks, D...I agree.


I have given my POV, only mine, I have not tried to force anyone to accept my POV or even say They are wrong.

I only said I did not agree a marriage > 20 yrs was free of infidelity. Thats my POV.

No, Coco, I don't think all men are dogs, I don't even think a few are dogs.

I believe in the fraility of "MAN" and accept that sometimes people allow others/or situations to erode the convenant that was made 20,30 or 40 yrs prior. I too believe in the frailty of man, I just don't think that every man's frailty will amount to him cheating. I mean, if you consider things like drinking, workaholism, low ambition, negativity, drugs, gambling or emotional absence to be infidelity (which in some ways I can see this), then yes, I would say, it's unlikely to be married to someone who won't commit infidelity. And yes, all are human. Women and men.

Infidelity does not mean a marriage should end nor does it mean the "cheater" is a bad person. It means they are human. I wholeheartedly agree with this.

I apologize if I have given anyone the belief to not choose not to be hopeful in their marriage. That was not my intention and certainly not my belief. I will be hoping right along side you....

Where I differ I think is that I am not shocked by much. I am not shocked by people's lack of commitment. (my POV) It is rare to find a couple that will not face the infidelity issue at some point. I'm not shocked by much either, including the possibility and reality that not all marriages deal with infidelity

Do I believe that infidelity will not happen ever....No I don't. We can just agree to disagree. I respect your view, and I believe you respect mine, though they are different.

I hope this clears the air. It certainly does

Thanks, my response is in red!

 

[cocoberry10]

Hmm... I know a couple marriages that have lasted...my grandparents, my godmother and right now my cousins. Most people in my family have lost spouses to death. Not to cheating. I'm not knocking anyone for thinking it can't happen. But to me it seems like a sad ideal to hold. It's like wishing things upon yourself.

ETA: Why would someone think that everyone cheats? Sorry I just started to think about? If that's what your reality is surrounded by then why not be that change? Instead of accepting that all people are going to cheat???


Well let me set my own reality. I will never cheat on my husband. And I firmly believe and speak into my life that my husband will not cheat on me. And after I get married I'll be back in 20 years to prove it.