Is this married man openly flirting with me?

G

GetHappy2014

Well-Known Member
Well...I have been struggling with this for months now. The married I am referring to is also a public figure (appears on t.v. regularly ), and about 15 yrs my senior. I have not been able to discuss this with anyone, since most people who know me would know who I am talking about and I do not want to stir up drama or rumors so I have been trying to discern his intentions myself. So I need some advice...I need to know if he is acting inappropriately, and how to handle it discretely. He makes me feel uncomfortable when I am around him (which is not common for me). But since there are so many people around him I try to convince myself that this is just his character, just very friendly/concerned. Okay...so why do I question his intentions...so far he has 1. Rubbed my bare back/neck and asked, "If I was okay". Maybe he knew something I didn't know....but I nervously (because he was touching my neck) responded "yeah, I'm okay". 2. Invited me to work for/with him. This hasn't panned out, since I didn't pursue it. Although he pursued it with his staff rather aggressively. 3. When I am in or enter the room (big room with lots of people) I feel that his eyes follow me. I pretend I do not see him and if possible I leave the area or room. 4. During a conference on 3 separate occasions while in conversations (professional small talk) with other men (who I really didn't know). My conversations would be interrupted by one of 'his people' he would send over. Most times discretely requesting that the gentleman come over to see him (he knew them). This incident (after I caught on) really upset me because I didn't know if it was something I had done.

I must add that my professional 'relationship' with him is definitely a plus, as it is for other people including women. However, I don't know if I should continue to pursue a professional relationship with him if he is behaving inappropriately.

What do you think?.......
 
He should not have rubbed your neck, not cool and inappropriate. I think you feel uncomfortable for a reason. I would not pursue a relationship with him of any kind. There are plenty more men out there, and women too, who would not behave the way he is behaving.
 
Also, him pulling men away from you is him asserting his power and blocking you from potential suitors (assuming you are single). He needs to fall back and act more professional.
 
I get your dilemma and here's the thing: he probably will not help you all that much professionally because of his attraction to you. The times when I've experienced things similar to this, those men were the absolute worst mentors and network connections. Not to mention that if other people catch on to his attraction to you it will taint you whether you do anything or not.

Putting some distance between you seems like the best approach.
 
I think that he is attracted to you and may get bolder with his intentions. Rubbing your back and neck is inappropriate and imo sexual harassment.

I would privately document these interactions and throw on a stack of rings on my ring finger while at work.

I know it may be passive but that's how I would handle the situation.
 
ambergirl said:
I get your dilemma and here's the thing: he probably will not help you all that much professionally because of his attraction to you. The times when I've experienced things similar to this, those men were the absolute worst mentors and network connections. Not to mention that if other people catch on to his attraction to you it will taint you whether you do anything or not. Putting some distance between you seems like the best approach.
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Interesting.

My experience has been very different. But I have not looked to them for mentorship (stop much personal time alone) but more for connections and they have always come through
 
Ogoma said:
Interesting. My experience has been very different. But I have not looked to them for mentorship (stop much personal time alone) but more for connections and they have always come through
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I hear you. I think married men who find you attractive but don't make any clear moves can be allies. But according to the OP, this guy is making it pretty clear he's interested. The neck rubbing is just a big no-no . Which means that in some ways she will need to make it clear that she's not interested. And IME when that happens, their egos really can't handle it. Plus it's just embarrassing and uncomfortable for everyone.
 
Run far away. He might be connected, but he is not out to help you. His goal is to help himself... to your lady parts.

tumblr_lov0z599ZP1qhxr17o1_400.gif
 
chelseatiara said:
*looks at post count* *looks at join date* *looks at name* *moves on* lol
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That doesn't mean anything. In the early days I created an account to get advice for a single issue that could not be linked back to my regular font. People on the forum have long memories, which would be a good thing normally, but not on LHCF

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
chelseatiara said:
*looks at post count* *looks at join date* *looks at name* *moves on* lol
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Thank you Charlieecho. As I stated, anyone who knows me will know who I am talking about. I created this account for this very issue. Because it has been weighing on me. Now back to the issue at hand.......
 
ambergirl said:
I hear you. I think married men who find you attractive but don't make any clear moves can be allies. But according to the OP, this guy is making it pretty clear he's interested. The neck rubbing is just a big no-no . Which means that in some ways she will need to make it clear that she's not interested. IME when that happens, their egos really can't handle it. Plus it's just embarrassing and uncomfortable for everyone.
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In the very early stages of interacting with him, I sensed something but I wasn't sure....so I tried to act like a tough girl and said something to him to get him to back off...it wasn't anything too strong...but the look on his face...he looked like I told him his puppy died. So I backed down....:arguing:
:blush:
 
Idk op you could intrigue him on some level. That first thing though isn't flashing at me is he your boss or just works where you work?

I'd say if he really could do something for your career go for it don't give in to his advances but allow him to take you under make sure all contact where you will be alone is recorded all correspondence meet ups and meetings documented.
 
@ Nadaa16
It is not a work environment he is a public figure, more of a political environment. So I do not work for him, although he has offered. For me it is more of a volunteerism, community action level. So I do have the freedom to cut and run....I guess my dilemma is whether I can make our professional 'relationship' work to my career advantage without compromising my morals.
 
GirlPlease said:
@ Nadaa16 It is not a work environment he is a public figure, more of a political environment. So I do not work for him, although he has offered. For me it is more of a volunteerism, community action level. So I do have the freedom to cut and run....I guess my dilemma is whether I can make our professional 'relationship' work to my career advantage without compromising my morals.
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Highly unlikely.
 
GirlPlease said:
@ Nadaa16 It is not a work environment he is a public figure, more of a political environment. So I do not work for him, although he has offered. For me it is more of a volunteerism, community action level. So I do have the freedom to cut and run....I guess my dilemma is whether I can make our professional 'relationship' work to my career advantage without compromising my morals.
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Insert Whoopie gif here.

Are you attracted to him? Honestly it sounds like you might be.

I think you're flattered that this high profile man is giving you attention but don't let that get you into trouble.
 
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Once it doesn't go his way, he could become an enemy, unless you have dirt on him.

Is the discomfort worth whatever benefit you might get from him?
 
These things don't usually end well especially for the woman/the nobody. Plus don't assume nobody else notices. Anything you get out of this will be attributed to his attraction. You always end up owing someone who helps you out in one way or another and this person seems shady.
 
His power and his willingness to help other people because of his influence, is very attractive. I am like damn why couldn't I just be one of the truly 'lucky ladies' who he has helped and did not want anything in return. I have witnessed it . It is strictly professional. So that is why I thought or was hoping that I was being overly sensitive and that he wasn't behaving inappropriately with me. But according to the ladies LHCF ( I appreciate the feedback ) he has been inappropriate. Honestly, a married man coming on to me is an immediate 'turn off' ('cause in my mind all he wants is sex). Now if he was not married and not in a relationship I probably would have jumped his bones a long time ago and we wouldn't be having this conversation. BTW...I am happily single...by choice and loving it.
 
GirlPlease said:
His power and his willingness to help other people because of his influence, is very attractive. I am like damn why couldn't I just be one of the truly 'lucky ladies' who he has helped and did not want anything in return. I have witnessed it . It is strictly professional. So that is why I thought or was hoping that I was being overly sensitive and that he wasn't behaving inappropriately with me. But according to the ladies LHCF ( I appreciate the feedback ) he has been inappropriate. Honestly, a married man coming on to me is an immediate 'turn off' ('cause in my mind all he wants is sex). Now if he was not married and not in a relationship I probably would have jumped his bones a long time ago and we wouldn't be having this conversation. BTW...I am happily single...by choice and loving it.
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Two things come to mind.

1) Do you know that he's strictly professional with these other women? and 2) If you're vibing any kind of attraction for him he may be picking that up which is why he is approaching you like this. Even though you know you'd never do anything with him, he may be picking up on your "jump your bones" energy. And your example about putting on the "tough girl" vibe and your reaction to his "puppy dog" face sound like lightweight flirting.

Stop thinking about him on any level like that, don't notice his eyes watching you or any of the other stuff you see him doing and see if there are any changes. If not, I think you just have to realize that he can't be that for you and move on.
 
ambergirl said:
Two things come to mind.

1) Do you know that he's strictly professional with these other women? and 2) If you're vibing any kind of attraction for him he may be picking that up which is why he is approaching you like this. Even though you know you'd never do anything with him, he may be picking up on your "jump your bones" energy. And your example about putting on the "tough girl" vibe and your reaction to his "puppy dog" face sound like lightweight flirting.

Stop thinking about him on any level like that, don't notice his eyes watching you or any of the other stuff you see him doing and see if there are any changes. If not, I think you just have to realize that he can't be that for you and move on.
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ambergirl....my goodness girl....I would have never thought that my reaction to him would be considered flirting but I guess some folks esp. Men might think that any reaction would be part of the game, that certainly wasn't my intention. Now I am at a loss.

You asked...
"1) Do you know that he's strictly professional with these other women?"
I believe so....at least the ones I have observed...I wondered the same thing and tried to observe whether he responded the same way to other women...so that is why I approached with a different attitude....I thought 'okay he hugs and is quite friendly with the other women ( and they appear very relaxed with him and it is acceptable)' so he is okay. Then the neck rubbing happened.....I have never seen him do that with other women....


Side note:
I was hoping that in the end...I wouldn't have to change who I am or what I do ....I guess that's not realistic
 
Well GirlPlease hard to know how to interprete his actions towards you and your reactions towards him based on Internet convo. Fussing with someone could be flirting depending on how it went down. You really have to use your best judgement to determine whether he really is treating you differently then other woman (didn't realize he was huggy with them) and whether your energy, actions, attraction is effecting how you interact with him and/or how you interpret what he's doing.

Regardless I would suggest you be mindful of projecting any attraction. I'm of the mind that charismatic men can pick that up like a dog whistle and use it to their advantage.
 
GirlPlease said:
...

Side note:
I was hoping that in the end...I wouldn't have to change who I am or what I do ....I guess that's not realistic
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You don't have to change anything about yourself (if I'm understanding what you are saying here). Just stay away from this guy. He is predatory. He is much older than you, married, and in a position of power so IMO he should be more careful about how he handles himself. And the way you describe him, you almost seem to have a crush on him. If there was one thing I would change it would be putting people on pedestals, especially men, that can get you in trouble. He is just a man in a position of power, period. He helps others because he wants to but also because it makes him look good. He is taking advantage of your infatuation. Think about some other guy rubbing your bare back and neck. Would you really be questioning yourself? Or would you immediately know that boundaries had been crossed?
 
^^^ OP my take away from this thread is that what this man is or isn't doing really isn't the issue. It's how you choose to interact and react to him given his behavior. The question seems to be do you trust yourself to make the highest and best choice for yourself in this situation? Once you are absolutely certain that anything beyond a professional relationship is totally off limits it will be clear how you need to handle this situation.
 
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