Interesting Convo with the baby mama: Advice needed

[nsmith30]

So today I had a slow moment and sent my SO a message on skype. I should've known better, but I wasn't thinking. He's in the navy and currently on deployment, no skype on the computers on the ship. But what can I say things happen for a reason. Long story short the mother of his children answered the IM wanting to know who I was.
So I told her and she proceeds to say well I've never heard about you. How long have yall been together.
Off and on over the past three years.
How when we lived together.
So I pointed out that everytime I went to visit he was in his own place, well those must've been times when we were broken up.
She had the nerve to tell me that I could have him if I wanted him but he always comes back and he would be back after his deployment.

But when asked if they were together now, the answer was no we're not. Now I'm not thrilled that she has his computer but I do understand that he learned about the deployment on wednesday and was gone on Friday and didn't have much time to make other arrangements. My question is do I trust my instincts and ignore it, or I do I take her at her word? Should I tell him about the convo, or just let it go? We've been talking about marriage and I honestly trust and believe that during the times we've been together I am the only one. But I don't want to move 800 miles from my family for a whole lot of drama. But I don't want to set myself up for heartache.

 

[Mleah]

He trusted her enough to give her his computer...
he learned about the deployment on wednesday and was gone on Friday and didn't have much time to make other arrangements
I don't believe that was an only option.
You need to ask him some serious questions out right. I've been down that road and I'll tell you that your desire for a relationship and all that lovey dovey stuff will cloud the reality of the situation and sound judgment..
I do want to extend a I know you are hurting.

 

[FlowerHair]

Ask your SO outright.

 

[Nina_deF]

Ask your SO outright.

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

He trusted her enough to give her his computer...
he learned about the deployment on wednesday and was gone on Friday and didn't have much time to make other arrangements
I don't believe that was an only option.
You need to ask him some serious questions out right. I've been down that road and I'll tell you that your desire for a relationship and all that lovey dovey stuff will cloud the reality of the situation and sound judgment..
I do want to extend a I know you are hurting.

This does happen in the Navy very often. You do get last minute deployments.

 

[nsmith30]

The last minute deployments I can deal with, her- not so much. I understand that as the mother of his children I have to respect her. But I'm not down with drama. I love him dearly, but I'm not afraid to bow out because I love me. Do I trust him, yes I just don't want to be a fool. I sent him an email and asked about it, I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting for his response.

 

[blasianbeauty]

Based on what you said I would drop him. It sounds like she doesn't care about him being with other people but she knows where "home" is and that he'll be right back. How did she know when his deployment will be over with? He's playing you...sorry. I know that you love him and want to be in a relationship but a part of me believes what she's saying. She could have lied and said that they were together... but the fact that she said that they weren't and that he always comes back leads me to believe that they're still effin at the very least.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

The last minute deployments I can deal with, her- not so much. I understand that as the mother of his children I have to respect her. But I'm not down with drama. I love him dearly, but I'm not afraid to bow out because I love me. Do I trust him, yes I just don't want to be a fool. I sent him an email and asked about it, I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting for his response.

Nsmith,

Trust your instincts. Women just don't know how good we have it that we have very good intuitions about things. Unfortunately we always ignore them because we doubt ourselves or listen to the lies or SO may tell us. I think you should talk to him but this definately should open your eyes because this is what I call a red flag.

 

[allygreeneyes]

OP, I am not understanding why she has his personal computer?

Big hugs to you

 

[Summer_Rain]

Do you believe that he's never told her about you?

How old are their kids together?

Have you ever seen her?

Does she live close to him?

 

[ThickHair]

Based on what you said I would drop him. It sounds like she doesn't care about him being with other people but she knows where "home" is and that he'll be right back. How did she know when his deployment will be over with? He's playing you...sorry. I know that you love him and want to be in a relationship but a part of me believes what she's saying. She could have lied and said that they were together... but the fact that she said that they weren't and that he always comes back leads me to believe that they're still effin at the very least.

Thanks, since we don't have a THANKS button.

 

[Bmack]

I would be on guard. Why did he not leave his computer with you if you are together? I understand why she would know of his time and deployment as they have children together, but something does not seem right.

 

[BellaLunie]

I'm with Blasian. If he's talked about marriage etc then why hasn't she heard of the woman that's going to be in his kids lives? Sorry but somethings just not right about this.

I need the thanks button back lol

 

[mscocoface]

There are a LOT of red flags here. Please get a clear understanding of this situation.

Hoping the best for you.

 

[nsmith30]

The kids are 9 and 6. We don't live in the same state. With the way things happened it was impossible for me to go and get his things, and his family and I both live in ga. He found out late wednesday he was gettin deployed and found out Thursday afternoon that he was leaving Friday morning. I'm not sure what he has told her, but i do know that the kids know about me. We talk on the phone.

Now that I think about it, I know she knew about me she may have forgotten my name but she knew he was seeing someone. During the last deployment I was the one she communicated with to get the kids bday presents. She picked the stuff out and i paid for it with his bank card. As a matter of fact I normally pick out his presents for his mom, sister, and niece and use his info to pay for them when he's gone. We've gone through the meet the family process, and I communicate with his sis on a regular basis.

I've been going over the situation since it happened trying to figure out what I'm missing, cause as my grandma would say, "Something in the milk ain't clean." But i can't figure it out.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I think I know what the "something" in the milk is. He is still having sex with her. So while he may be *telling her* he's not about her and he's moving on... he's still banging her back out when he gets the chance. To be real, she probably puts the goods on offer for him to hit it when she sees him... hoping it will lure him back so they can be a family again.

MANY men keep having sex with the babymama for years and years and years. Doesn't matter who else he is with, doesn't matter if they are together or not. It's one reason I've seen men desperate to get a woman preggo. They think they have a lifelong gate pass to the puddin'.

 

[hopeful]

Hope he replies to your e-mail very soon and you get the answers you need. Try not to worry about it too much. No matter what he says though, keep your eyes open because long distance relationships can be very tricky. It is very difficult to really get close to someone when you are long distance unless you travel an awful lot. Add in military deployments and a meddling baby mama--the more I think about it maybe you should consider breaking it off--maybe--I think you may be in for a lot of heart ache and frustration.

 

[Kerryann]

I honestly hate some baby mommas i really do.
why in the heezy is she telling u all this in the first place any volunteered info like this is mostly like 20% true and thats it
wait for homeys response. oh yeah go with your instinct

 

[tallygirl]

Baby mama sounds like she has KPS (Kim Porter Syndrome)...She's quite fine "waiting" while he explores other options, knowing that he'll come back to her (cause she'll always take him back)...There's a foul smelling odor in this situation and if I were you, I'd be sniffing around to see if SO is THE skunk

 

[Mai Tai]

I do not mean to sound harsh because I understand what you are going through...but...
I'm sorry, he is playing the both of you, and you are both falling for it.

When he's not with you, he's with her...when he's not with her, he's with you. You all are pretty much sharing the same man, swapping bodily fluids, and are doing so willingly, while this man is living his life freely.

I am unsure how this situation is even ideal for marriage. A man that cannot maintain appropriate plutonic relationships with other women that are not his SO is not marriage material regardless of how many good traits he has.

I feel there is nothing confusing about this situation... he is playing you and you know it.
The real question is how long are you going to put up with it and act oblivious to this fact?

 

[nsmith30]

Thank you for your responses. I have yet to get an email today. But after thinking and doing some soul searching, I know there is something about their relationship that is unhealthy and potentially devastating for me. It's nor for me to analyze and try to figure out, and it's not for me to try to change their relationship. That's something that he's going to have to do, and if he can't then there is no future for us. I however won't be sitting on the sideline while he decides who he wants to play the game with.

 

[Urban]

^^ good for you girl!!

 

[blasianbeauty]

Thank you for your responses. I have yet to get an email today. But after thinking and doing some soul searching, I know there is something about their relationship that is unhealthy and potentially devastating for me. It's nor for me to analyze and try to figure out, and it's not for me to try to change their relationship. That's something that he's going to have to do, and if he can't then there is no future for us. I however won't be sitting on the sideline while he decides who he wants to play the game with.

Yes, keep up with the positive attitude. The only thing that I would change about my last post is that yeah she would know about the deployments since they have children together but the writing is on the wall with everything else. I just wouldn't waste my time with him.

I mean, why even ask him anything? The first thing that'll be crossin MY mind is why the *** does she even have his laptop! And she could have turned your world upside down with lies about them being together and drama, but basically she let it be known that he'll be back no matter what. To me, that's worse than them being in a relationship because it's not like she's devastated or anything and plans to dump or drop him after finding out about you. She don't care about effin him and being there for him no matter who he's with and that is some bull ish I ain't willin to put up with. I think you can do better. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[msdeevee]

nsmith....My Sister is in GA too and she also says and I'm repeating it to you now " something in the milk ain't clean" !!

Dude seems to be having his cake and eating it too. You sound like a smart lady you know what to do.

 

[Renewed1]

MANY men keep having sex with the babymama for years and years and years. Doesn't matter who else he is with, doesn't matter if they are together or not. It's one reason I've seen men desperate to get a woman preggo. They think they have a lifelong gate pass to the puddin'.

This is so true!

 

[IrisDaVirus]

Let him go. He's playing both of y'all for damn fools and you deserve so much better than that. I sure as heck wouldn't want to see you get hurt over some silly ****. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Good luck.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

Good luck OP ((HUGS))

 

[likewtr4chklit]

The kids are 9 and 6. We don't live in the same state. With the way things happened it was impossible for me to go and get his things, and his family and I both live in ga. He found out late wednesday he was gettin deployed and found out Thursday afternoon that he was leaving Friday morning. I'm not sure what he has told her, but i do know that the kids know about me. We talk on the phone.

Now that I think about it, I know she knew about me she may have forgotten my name but she knew he was seeing someone. During the last deployment I was the one she communicated with to get the kids bday presents. She picked the stuff out and i paid for it with his bank card. As a matter of fact I normally pick out his presents for his mom, sister, and niece and use his info to pay for them when he's gone. We've gone through the meet the family process, and I communicate with his sis on a regular basis.

I've been going over the situation since it happened trying to figure out what I'm missing, cause as my grandma would say, "Something in the milk ain't clean." But i can't figure it out.

The only thing that strikes me as odd is the fact that he didnt' just lock up his stuff at his own place. Or is his place her place too?

 

[likewtr4chklit]

Thank you for your responses. I have yet to get an email today. But after thinking and doing some soul searching, I know there is something about their relationship that is unhealthy and potentially devastating for me. It's nor for me to analyze and try to figure out, and it's not for me to try to change their relationship. That's something that he's going to have to do, and if he can't then there is no future for us. I however won't be sitting on the sideline while he decides who he wants to play the game with.

.............and (((((HUGS))))

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

.........updates?