Im dating a flirt addict... And i dont care

[Latomian]

Well let me say this, I dont believe that he is actually having intercourse with other woman, or dating other woman, and i have never heard or read that he told other females that he didnt have a girlfriend. I also have never cheated on him physically and will and have never denied him as being my boyfriend. I am 22 years Old and and he is 25 Years old. i guess i dont really care because, i sort of believe that this is the point of his life were he should be flirting and me as well. My thing is I dont want to go all the way with this guy and then when hes 35 he feels the need to flirt because i tied him down when he was young.

Ok, so my ex was like this. I thought he wasn't physically cheating too. Turns out, he was. Also, these same ladies that were sending explicit photos and such made it easier for him to cheat when we got into an "argument" because he didn't have to go looking for it. I didn't see the point in being with him and tolerating this because if trust & fidelity are not present, I'm better off being single without having to worry about the possibility of cheating on someone.

I also wanted to add that there is no guarantee that he will not still flirt, cheat, etc. when he is 35 just b/c you gave him leniency ten years prior. Present actions don't always guarantee future results.

 

[JustKiya]

I have asked him, and he says that he will infact the more I show him that I am not gonna flip out on him everytime a woman says hi to him or sends him a text he calms down a bit. If i had to scale his flirting from 1 to 10 it would be a 5 compared to the 15 it was when we started.

That's a good sign, then. Good luck!

 

[SleekandBouncy]

I have read and digested what everyone has said, first I would like to say thank you, from those who said they didnt see the point of the thread to those who gave solid advice. I know that traditionally most couples try very hard to make sure that they are completely faithful to the other person, they dont look at others, they dont give there number out, nothing. Im not saying that this is not a great way to have a relationship because it is but for an early twenties couple that is almost impossible. I definetly dont want to stay like this the rest of my life or even for much longer, so eventually i do want a completely committed relationship. My question now is since we have already started the relationship and I have been lenient to where i let his eyes wander and his conversations with others go, do yall think it'll will be too much in the future to ask him to stop at least the majority of his flirting. Yall are right, I do care. I want to make the right decision, and even though I love my semi-freedom and the love and attention that he does show me, I want to make sure that i am not blind sighted and ten years down the line figure out that im not happy. Hope that was clear. :-/

I strongly disagree with the bold. It is quite possible for people in their 20s, 30s, or whatever else to be in a relationship where they do not do the things you outlined. There is no such thing as impossible. It comes down to what is most comfortable for the couple involved. IMO people often don't want to accept responsibility so they project responsibility onto everything else. Whatever way you (or I or anyone else) behaves is because YOU (we) want to behave that way, because of one's personality, character, and their decision to act on temptation, options, etc.. Own it.

I say all of this from the perspective that the relationship you outlined in the OP is not "wrong" so long as you and your SO are comfy with it. I don't adhere to the idea that every relationship must work a particular way. There's no one size fits all
Though I would call that more than flirting based on what you outlined in your OP, it seems you guys have some what of an open relationship.

Now that I'm learning that you don't want this kind of behavior on both your parts to continue for much longer I have to revise my original answer. It depends on whether he wants that as well. Some people are just "free" like that and disappointment is sure to follow when we expect things from people they do not want to and therefore can not provide. The only way to know is to ask him and to watch his behavior.
Generally speaking, habits are hard to break.Someone will of course say "oh but I did XYZ and then I stopped cuz' that's how I roll", but for every person out there who did X,Y, and Z and suddenly stopped there are 5 people who continued the same pattern. People are pattern orientated and this applies to both women and men, you and him. In my experience *most* people who are naturally loosey goosey remain that way esp. when the temptation is great, they simply get better with age at covering their tracks. That is, unless *they* want to change.
To summarize, all things are possible. Talk to him and see if you guys are on the same page regarding timelines and terms. Don't assume anything. Match the words with the actions. You also have to ask yourself if you're really ready to break certain modes of behavior because often ppl fall back on their nature/habits during rough patches. Know what you really want, what he really wants, and what both of you can realistically provide the other.

 

[Bunny77]

Im not saying that this is not a great way to have a relationship because it is but for an early twenties couple that is almost impossible. I definetly dont want to stay like this the rest of my life or even for much longer, so eventually i do want a completely committed relationship. My question now is since we have already started the relationship and I have been lenient to where i let his eyes wander and his conversations with others go, do yall think it'll will be too much in the future to ask him to stop at least the majority of his flirting. Yall are right, I do care. I want to make the right decision, and even though I love my semi-freedom and the love and attention that he does show me, I want to make sure that i am not blind sighted and ten years down the line figure out that im not happy. Hope that was clear. :-/

Thanks for coming back and responding.

See, the bolded part is what concerns me. Your standards are too low on this. You're only allowing this because you "think" you can't expect better.

Not so. It's NOT almost impossible for an early twenties couple to be totally faithful. When I dated in my late teens/early 20s, I made it clear to the men (well, man) I was with that the type of behavior you were describing was NOT acceptable, and if he wanted to engage in that, I would be going elsewhere.

(Of course, we didn't have picture phones and "sexting" when I was in my early 20s, but we did have IMs and e-mail. )

Anyway, I established my standards quickly, and if he didn't want to fall in line, he could move on. Funny, he never to my knowledge stepped out of line, and if he did, he just hid it REAL well.

You've already established a bad standard here by accepting this behavior if this is not what you want.


I think both of you should talk about what is acceptable and unacceptable for your relationship as soon as possible and then go from there. Good luck to you.

 

[aribell]

My question is will this way of life really hinder our relationship if we make it for the long run? Are we just lying to eachother about what we are really going to do in the future. This question is new in my mind because we recently just moved in together. any input is appreciated.

Well let me say this, I dont believe that he is actually having intercourse with other woman, or dating other woman, and i have never heard or read that he told other females that he didnt have a girlfriend. I also have never cheated on him physically and will and have never denied him as being my boyfriend. I am 22 years Old and and he is 25 Years old. i guess i dont really care because, i sort of believe that this is the point of his life were he should be flirting and me as well. My thing is I dont want to go all the way with this guy and then when hes 35 he feels the need to flirt because i tied him down when he was young.

10 times worse just means i do it better then him, and i have more people that i flirt with then he does. Im dedicated to having a healthy relationship and a whole life. I want to make him happy as well as keep myself happy. I dont want to become so wrapped up in what should be right just because most people say it right. I hoped i explained that right.erplexed

I have read and digested what everyone has said, first I would like to say thank you, from those who said they didnt see the point of the thread to those who gave solid advice. I know that traditionally most couples try very hard to make sure that they are completely faithful to the other person, they dont look at others, they dont give there number out, nothing. Im not saying that this is not a great way to have a relationship because it is but for an early twenties couple that is almost impossible. I definetly dont want to stay like this the rest of my life or even for much longer, so eventually i do want a completely committed relationship. My question now is since we have already started the relationship and I have been lenient to where i let his eyes wander and his conversations with others go, do yall think it'll will be too much in the future to ask him to stop at least the majority of his flirting. Yall are right, I do care. I want to make the right decision, and even though I love my semi-freedom and the love and attention that he does show me, I want to make sure that i am not blind sighted and ten years down the line figure out that im not happy. Hope that was clear. :-/

Okay. Regarding the bolded in particular, there are people who are counter-cultural because they are genuinely counter-cultural and don't have "traditional" values. But you don't seem to be one of those people. It sounds like you have a lot of ideas about what young people are "supposed" to be doing/not doing and a lot of ideas about why it is people end up unhappy later on. For instance, you say you don't want him to be unhappy later because you tied him down now. I'm guessing you feel that if you give him "freedom" now, he'll feel "free" to commit later on? Whether he wants to commit to you now or later really doesn't have anything to do with whether you let him flirt with other women. It's about how he feels about you.

The thing is that people are who they are, period. Someone who loves someone and wants to be with them is not going to view commiting to them as being "tied down." This has nothing to do with youth. What I'm concerned about with what you've said is that you think that infidelity is a "youth" thing when it's not. If you want more than that, you can definitely find 25 year olds who are able to give it. (25 years old is really not so young by the way--not for this kind of stuff).

I know that it's tempting to look at a lot of unhappy couples and react to their mistakes by doing things differently. But really, the people who end up unhappy aren't the ones to look at. Look at the people who have great marriages and relationships. You say you want something different down the line. Then look at people who have that and see what kind of foundation they built their relationships on. People aren't faithful and devoted to one another because it's simply "traditional," but because it actually works to produce healthy relationships.

Also, character is character and generally doesn't change. You are saying you flirt and whatnot and it is just fun. But you can't assume that he is doing it with the same mindset. What's more, if you all are so busy entertaining everyone else's attention, how do you know what's really between you two? If you want something different 10 years down the line, how is what you're doing today going to get you there? You're not going to be able to just wake up one day and radically change the dynamic of your relationship. You're building it right now. If this isn't what you want later, then don't indulge in it now.

 

[ambergirl]

Whatever the agreement you have with each other now (spoken or otherwise) will not fundamentally change as you get deeper into the relationship.

You have already showed him that you are cool with the flirting....that's his comfort zone with you. In my experience I find once you allow men to transgress certain boundaries without consequence, they don't see any reason to stop transgressing...with you.

He might change his stripes later, but highly doubt he will be able to do that with you.

Sorry to be blunt and pessimistic.

 

[princessnad]

Run your relationship however you want. Just be open, honest, and clear about your expectations. I am