Im Having A Hard Time Guys, Whats Wrong With Me...

[caribeandiva]

I can suggest 2 books that helped me with the issue of "unavailable men" and getting control over your fantasizing. It all came down to a childhood issue for me as well. This author is terrific and breaking ish down

Mr Unavailable and the Fall-back Girl.....by Natalie Lu
The Dreamer & the Fantasy Relationship....by Natalie Lu

Adding these to my list too. I’ve never heard of that author.

 

[hopeful]

Adding these to my list too. I’ve never heard of that author.

She runs the website Baggage Reclaim. She’s a black British lady.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

 

[caribeandiva]

She runs the website Baggage Reclaim. She’s a black British lady.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Gotcha. Thanks! I’m currently listening to her book about fantasy relationships. That’s definitely been my pattern in the past.

 

[awhyley]

had therapy again today and cried a bit. We hit a nerve on my difficulty making friends and emotional attachment issues. I look forward to my appointment on tuesday.

Glad to know that you found someone you gel with straight off.

She runs the website Baggage Reclaim. She’s a black British lady.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Thanks, didn't make the connection.
(*Putting the books on my list*)

 

[Evolving78]

Gotcha. Thanks! I’m currently listening to her book about fantasy relationships. That’s definitely been my pattern in the past.

Girl all the way into seeing folks sitting on a porch watching the grandkids together! Lol not no more...

 

[Dposh167]

Girl all the way into seeing folks sitting on a porch watching the grandkids together! Lol not no more...

I was the same way lol
I was imagining our wedding within the first few weeks of knowing the guy. It was terrible. But I knew it was a problem when I started actually believing the fantasies I had. Once the line of "fantasy" and "reality" got blurred for me, I knew I needed to stop

 

[hopeful]

Girl all the way into seeing folks sitting on a porch watching the grandkids together! Lol not no more...

And men play into that too. When I was getting ready to leave my ex it was all of the sudden What about our future and growing old together? . Started sending me love songs with sappy verses . Nah son too little too late. Men know we are like this and play on our emotions and desire for the fairytale. That’s why future talk works so well.

 

[Evolving78]

I was the same way lol
I was imagining our wedding within the first few weeks of knowing the guy. It was terrible. But I knew it was a problem when I started actually believing the fantasies I had. Once the line of "fantasy" and "reality" got blurred for me, I knew I needed to stop

I had to cut that out too! Lol

 

[Evolving78]

And men play into that too. When I was getting ready to leave my ex it was all of the sudden What about our future and growing old together? . Started sending me love songs with sappy verses . Nah son too little too late. Men know we are like this and play on our emotions and desire for the fairytale. That’s why future talk works so well.

Yes! Men will do that too!! Lol especially those sappy love songs. I get mad when I get sent those...lol I don’t wanna hear that ish!

 

[Royalq]

Im doing much better guys. Finally sleeping and eating regularly. The thought of him is less painful and ive come to terms with everything. Ive decided to take some time discovering myself and my wants more.
I’ll be just fine

 

[caribeandiva]

Im doing much better guys. Finally sleeping and eating regularly. The thought of him is less painful and ive come to terms with everything. Ive decided to take some time discovering myself and my wants more.
I’ll be just fine

Awesome!!! Congratulations! You’re finally coming home to yourself.

 

[awhyley]

I’ll be just fine

 

[caribeandiva]

I didn’t know where else to post this.

 

[Royalq]

I didn’t know where else to post this.

Big facts! Because if you treat yourself badly, when someone else does its business as usual. But if you treat yourself well, when someone treats you bad it will be such a stark difference that you will not accept it. Im on the road to loving myself bot just externally but internally.

 

[caribeandiva]

Big facts! Because if you treat yourself badly, when someone else does its business as usual. But if you treat yourself well, when someone treats you bad it will be such a stark difference that you will not accept it. Im on the toad to loving myself bot just externally but internally.

I’ve never heard it described that way but you hit the nail on the head! You’re absolutely correct!

 

[blessedandfavoured]

Big facts! Because if you treat yourself badly, when someone else does its business as usual. But if you treat yourself well, when someone treats you bad it will be such a stark difference that you will not accept it. Im on the road to loving myself bot just externally but internally.

I’ve never heard it described that way but you hit the nail on the head! You’re absolutely correct!

This is why that 'you choose, he chases' video got me like . The situations she opened with had nothing to do with flirting or shyness, and everything to do with abusers picking women who did not love themselves enough to recognise/flee an abusive situation.

 

[Royalq]

Feeling sad and anxious again today. Idk why? I was just fine yesterday but today i feel anxious and uncertain again. I had therapy again today and it was okay i guess. She’s kind of directionless and keep trying to push for me to do Emdr which would require me to fly out or drive 4 hours to her which im not interested in doing.

 

[hopeful]

(((Hugs))) @Royalq. It’s normal to feel down. That’s part of healing and also part of life. If she keeps pushing EMDR and you really don’t want to do it, you may have to find someone else. She may have just been your starter therapist. Idk. Take it one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. But just know and understand that part of healing is learning to accept and manage the inevitable down days and feelings. You got this.

 

[Ayesha81]

OP your time will come. For now please be advised to stop overthinking.

 

[Evolving78]

@Royalq
Look into Jerry Wise and Alan Robarge
Jerry focuses on self differentiation and family of origin traits
Alan Robarge focuses on attachment styles in relationships
It all sums up to learning how to re-parent yourself. They both have websites, support groups, therapy, and YouTube channels.

They will provide tools that you can personalize and apply to your life. It will require a lot of self work, self compassion, and self forgiveness. I recommend journaling to get all of those thoughts out of your head and on to some paper. Then you can read back what you wrote and see things from an outside point of view. You will be able to see your thought patterns and how you process things.

Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Treat you how you would treat the man of your dreams. Easier said than done. Like if you would cook him a fabulous meal, then cook yourself instead of just eating whatever you had in the house. If you dress nice for a man, dress nice for yourself. If you are loving and supportive to your man, then be that for yourself.
You attract what you are, not what you want.
I’m learning all of this myself, so you are not alone. Your partners or friends are your mirror. I saw some things in certain people this week that I see in myself, in which I need to work on.

 

[caribeandiva]

I can suggest 2 books that helped me with the issue of "unavailable men" and getting control over your fantasizing. It all came down to a childhood issue for me as well. This author is terrific and breaking ish down

Mr Unavailable and the Fall-back Girl.....by Natalie Lu
The Dreamer & the Fantasy Relationship....by Natalie Lu

Thank you so much for posting these. I’ve been reading them (listening is more accurate ) and it’s definitely clearing up some things for me. First, I realized that there is nothing wrong with me and never was. The Mr Unavailables who tried to get me in situationships never got far. They were giving me crumbs and my self esteem was high enough to not fall for it. As soon as their actions didn’t match their words I was out like a light. I am smarter and more intuitive than I give myself credit for (second realization). Yet I was still blaming myself, thinking I was a commitmentphobe and that I pushed them away. If only I’d do this and that differently. Yes I do acknowledge my part in it. I wasn’t a perfect angel either. I am also not responsible for anyone else’s actions. I was carrying guilt that was never mine in the first place. Again, thank you for sharing these books.

 

[weaveadiva]

First, I realized that there is nothing wrong with me and never was. The Mr Unavailables who tried to get me in situationships never got far. They were giving me crumbs and my self esteem was high enough to not fall for it. As soon as their actions didn’t match their words I was out like a light.

Same

I still checked out the book though so I can flip through it since you ladies recommended it. Glad I did because I came across this one, which I can relate to more:
.

.
It's weird. I'm lonely and would like companionship but also wanna date all the men

 

[caribeandiva]

It's weird. I'm lonely and would like companionship but also wanna date all the men

So date all the men. Nothing wrong with it. When you are ready to settle down with one of them you will know.

 

[Sosoothing]

Since we are recommending books, this one is really good for identifying childhood wounds. There are several exercises, one of them to help you identify the area of your childhood least nurtured since that affects how we understand love and navigate relationships.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Maybe i should look into therapy. Ive never had someone reasonable to sound off of... idk where to start even looking for a therapist

Here's one suggestion: https://providers.therapyforblackgirls.com/

I found an incredible therapist for myself by thumbing through the directory

Also Therapy for Black Girls has a podcast, if you're into mental health and personal development type stuff.

ETA: It looks like you've found a therapist you like, but any extra support, if you need it one day, or decide to find a new therapist can't hurt.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

This news is "shocking" and has left you "breathless, shaking and crying." Yet you were not in a relationship or even friends with him. This tells me that it has nothing to do with him. I'm concerned with how you would handle the end of an actual relationship.
This man seems immature. All this staring and walking by you and foolishness sounds like a high school boy. I don't think you missed out on anything.

The OP's behavior also seems immature/unstable.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

At first i couldnt see what you meant but maybe. I grew up in a home devoid of love and affection. My parent hardly ever said i love you to each other and my dad was never the romantic kind. I never really saw acts of kindness and love between my parents nor towards us kids. So i really dont know what love is supposed to look like. I always felt unloved and unprotected. And though outwardly i know i want a man who treats me tenderly and preciously maybe i gravitate towards unrequited or desperate love to fill the void i grew up with. Maybe i see unrequited love or lack of loving action as normal?

I grew up in a similar environment. Despite this upbringing, you can have a loving healthy relationship. Therapy combined with learning to love yourself are pivotal in getting there.

 

[Royalq]

Bumpity bump for the update i posted in original OP

 

[Dposh167]

Congratulations!!!

 

[Royalq]

Congratulations!!!

Thank you ! <3