Im Having A Hard Time Guys, Whats Wrong With Me...

Royalq said:
I tend to always find myself in unrequited love situations. I need to stop fantasizing about men who arent giving me an inch and focus on men who are more than willing to go the mile. I wonder what it is with emotionally unavailable men that gets me stuck....
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I think that you’re on the way to a breakthrough. You’ve accepted constructive critique and seem to be self aware. That takes courage.
 
Maracujá said:
To address some points you've made:

==> Thinking you need to be perfect in order to be in a relationship: this is a reality, especially for those of us living in the Western hemisphere: get the degree, the home, the car, more degrees, more clothes, more hair, more make up,...etc and only then will you be "good enough" for a man. Have fallen for that trap and it is just that...a trap. What usually happens is you'll see women who put in less work, get the very thing that you desire. Because at the end of the day, all of us are different and are attracted to different things.

You are at the perfect age to go on a self-discovery adventure, to find out what it is that YOU value. Don't be so in a hurry to be wifed up, have children, post pics on FB,...etc. Find out for yourself what success means to you, what beauty is to you, the songs you like, the type of food you like, how you like to decorate your home, where you see yourself going with your career, spend time with your family members, find out about your personal family culture, read voraciously, build your tribe, travel. Not so you can get a man, but for yourself. The trap for a lot of us women, is that we keep waiting for men to validate us. That has been the trap from generation to generation. We feel as if we're unfulfilled without a man. Think positively: God is probably protecting you from a lot of these relationships, that would lead to nowhere.

==>> Thinking you're getting old: I get it, at your age, you think time is flying by. Been there myself. But who you are today, is not who you're gonna be in 5 - 10 years. This is why social media is fun, sometimes a post from aeons ago will show up again on your timeline and you'll be like whettttt? lol. Ideally, as you mature, this happens less and less. When we're young, we tend to look a lot to the superficial. There was a guy I was interested in, when I was in my 20s. Similar situation as yours: he showed interest at first and then ghosted. Was able to meet him again now at a get together and study him through the prism of time passed and I noticed things about him that just had me like: :eek:. He showed up with his girlfriend. Saying that they held the conversation hostage is an understatement :nono:. The gf constantly bragged about how many languages she spoke and what a great job + family she has. And he just kept talking and talking and talking. It was there that I realized: it would've never worked :lol:. I'm very introverted and shy, hate being the center of attention.

==>> As women, we tend to lose the game before we even get started. This is why when stories like Beyoncé and Ciara come out, we start rooting. To see if they're gonna get the fairy tale we all dream of. Often times, it doesn't happen. Because we fail to plan for it, as much as we desire for it. We don't know how to delay gratification. My pastor didn't mince it for us ladies at church: he said there comes a time in every man's life, when he gets tired of the physical. You never know what mandate God will give you and your future spouse. Or what kinda life you will have to lead. Perhaps this time He's giving you, is to use it, to develop certain skills that might come in handy. Learn how to trade stocks, a new language, cooking, open a private Facebook account that is only available to you, where each day you muse about what your future life could be like. When it finally comes to pass, make it public to your loved ones. Don't just be so focused on 'gotta get the guy, gotta get the guy, gotta get the guy'. In so doing, you might be blind to other areas of your own life or your family's life that you need to tend to right now. Speaking out of experience: my mother's health started deteriorating around her 40s. But I was so busy, so self-absorbed chasing my own dreams, that it completely hit me by surprise. Had I paid more attention, perhaps I could've helped her more.

Long story short: don't forget to daydream and simply live life. Many women in the world don't have the opportunities that you have. To just own a car, be a nurse, be able to roam around freely, have access to internet. Bask in that. END
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OH!! @Maracujá ..

You are so wise. As a seasoned married woman of 31 years I can say that all that you said is on point and so familiar to me. When I was single all I could think about was locking down some man and getting married. I can look back now and thank God that I didn’t End up with none of those duds that I set my sights on.

The first man that I loved I thought I would die if I didn’t marry him. Thought all the things OP thinks why not me? Why aren’t I good enough. I was crazy about him but honestly now it’s hard for me to even remember how he looked.

I wish that I had spent that time getting to know me. I have so many regrets now that I’m older. I wish I had educated myself more. I wish that I had dedicated myself to the fashion or beauty career that I craved since I was a kid. No, I chased the dream of getting out of my abusive Fathers house and landing a man that was gonna give me the dream life and make me feel better about me. Make me feel worthy. Why didn’t I make my own dream life? I was single with no husband to do for and no kids. I wish I had taken on a 2nd job and had more of a work ethic and saved my money. I really could have used it.

I regret I didn’t have the mind set to buy my own house or even to buy a car of my own.

Same with my Mom. She was sick in her 40’s and she was a great , loving Mother but when she called I was disappointed because I was always hoping it was some dude calling . She’s gone now and I wish I was there for her more when she needed me.

Like they say if I only knew then what I know now!

@Royalq ...you are so young and beautiful. The dude you’re thinking about is not worth it. Like you said the woman he’s engaged to did not just pop up out of nowhere. While he was salivating over you he was with her. Would you have wanted yourself to be her? You dodged a bullet. Count your blessings.
 
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msdeevee said:
OH!! @Maracujá ..

You are so wise. As a seasoned married woman of 31 years I can say that all that you said is on point and so familiar to me. When I was single all I could think about was locking down some man and getting married. I can look back now and thank God that I didn’t End up with none of those duds that I set my sights on.

The first man that I loved I thought I would die if I didn’t marry him. Thought all the things OP thinks why not me? Why aren’t I good enough. I was crazy about him but honestly now it’s hard for me to even remember how he looked.

I wish that I had spent that time getting to know me. I have so many regrets now that I’m older. I wish I had educated myself more. I wish that I had dedicated myself to the fashion or beauty career that I craved since I was a kid. No, I chased the dream of getting out of my abusive Fathers house and landing a man that was gonna give me the dream life and make me feel better about me. Make me feel worthy. Why didn’t I make my own dream life? I was single with no husband to do for and no kids. I wish I had taken on a 2nd job and had more of a work ethic and saved my money. I really could have used it.

I regret I didn’t have the mind set to buy my own house or even to buy a car of my own.

Same with my Mom. She was sick in her 40’s and she was a great , loving Mother but when she called I was disappointed because I was always hoping it was some dude calling . She’s gone now and I wish I was there for her more when she needed me.

Like they say if I only knew then what I know now!

@Royalq ...you are so young and beautiful. The dude you’re thinking about is not worth it. Like you said the woman he’s engaged to did not just pop up out of nowhere. While he was salivating over you he was with her. Would you have wanted yourself to be her? You dodged a bullet. Count your blessings.
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You are so right. Would i really want a dude who was still testing the waters just before committing to me? Thats actually the second time that has happened. A few years ago the was this guy who was very shy but would say hi to me , shake my hand and rum away. He was not my type. We had a mutual friend and the mutual friend kept asking on his behalf but i said no. In the summer the friend asked again and i said no. In November my friend was scrolling instagram and we saw him married and all. I was like when the heck did he get married. She said over the summer! Im like “which summer?. “This past summer”. This dude was legit still trying to get me right up until he was about to get married smh.
Furthermore he named their daughter the Hebrew version of my name
 
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Royalq said:
I tend to always find myself in unrequited love situations. I need to stop fantasizing about men who arent giving me an inch and focus on men who are more than willing to go the mile. I wonder what it is with emotionally unavailable men that gets me stuck....
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First of all, you are gorgeous!! Wow!! Second, so many golden nuggets have already been dropped in this thread.

As for the topic of this thread, you are human. It hurts when a guy you like chooses someone else. Based on what I read in this thread it seems to me that you have unhealed wounds from the way you were raised. You keep looking to these men to validate your worth and prove to you that you are indeed lovable. As you’ve discovered that doesn’t work. That’s why you keep attracting weak, broken men who barely meet the criteria on your list but who you were willing to settle for just to have someone, anyone, finally give you the love you desperately want. I’m not saying you are desperate just that you are looking for love in the wrong places, i.e outside of yourself. You attract unavailable men because you are unavailable to yourself. You have to give yourself the love you are looking for.

You seem to think you have to be perfect to get love but you don’t. What’s driving that behavior is shame. Did your parents make you feel “less than” unless you did everything perfectly? Were you not allowed to make mistakes? You might be telling yourself that you have high standards but it’s really a subtle form of self-sabotage and a way to avoid embarrassment.

I always say that it’s dangerous to go out and date with low self esteem and I will keep saying it. If I were in your shoes I would keep doing the inner work, go to therapy and read self help books. No you don’t have to go forever but like @Crackers Phinn said, later on you’ll go as needed. Working on yourself doesn’t mean you are that broken, it means you love yourself enough to give yourself the gift of healing, peace, of getting to know yourself and becoming your own best friend. Water seeks its own level. When you start getting to a better place mentally, the caliber of men you attract will shift accordingly. It all starts with you.
 
caribeandiva said:
First of all, you are gorgeous!! Wow!! Second, so many golden nuggets have already been dropped in this thread.

As for the topic of this thread, you are human. It hurts when a guy you like chooses someone else. Based on what I read in this thread it seems to me that you have unhealed wounds from the way you were raised. You keep looking to these men to validate your worth and prove to you that you are indeed lovable. As you’ve discovered that doesn’t work. That’s why you keep attracting weak, broken men who barely meet the criteria on your list but who you were willing to settle for just to have someone, anyone, finally give you the love you desperately want. I’m not saying you are desperate just that you are looking for love in the wrong places, i.e outside of yourself. You attract unavailable men because you are unavailable to yourself. You have to give yourself the love you are looking for.

You seem to think you have to be perfect to get love but you don’t. What’s driving that behavior is shame. Did your parents make you feel “less than” unless you did everything perfectly? Were you not allowed to make mistakes? You might be telling yourself that you have high standards but it’s really a subtle form of self-sabotage and a way to avoid embarrassment.

I always say that it’s dangerous to go out and date with low self esteem and I will keep saying it. If I were in your shoes I would keep doing the inner work, go to therapy and read self help books. No you don’t have to go forever but like @Crackers Phinn said, later on you’ll go as needed. Working on yourself doesn’t mean you are that broken, it means you love yourself enough to give yourself the gift of healing, peace, of getting to know yourself and becoming your own best friend. Water seeks its own level. When you start getting to a better place mentally, the caliber of men you attract will shift accordingly. It all starts with you.
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my parents were neither negative nor positive towards me which left me kind of in limbo? They weren’t affectionate but they also werent abusive. They didnt expect perfection oyt of me, just to stay out of trouble. They werent too deeply involved in my school work. Really my parents werent too deeply interested in me as a person in general. Ive never really had someone to share my deep thoughts with. And they were old school and close minded so alot of the ideas and questions i had i was uncomfortable asking or voicing. Ive gotten better at communicating but a good portion of my ideas stay within me. So thats another reason why i desire companionship to finally have someone to share my thoughts with without shame
 
Royalq said:
They werent too deeply involved in my school work. Really my parents werent too deeply interested in me as a person in general. Ive never really had someone to share my deep thoughts with. And they were old school and close minded so alot of the ideas and questions i had i was uncomfortable asking or voicing. Ive gotten better at communicating but a good portion of my ideas stay within me.
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Gotcha. I grew up the same way. Nothing makes you feel more invisible than that.
 
caribeandiva said:
You attract unavailable men because you are unavailable to yourself. You have to give yourself the love you are looking for.

You seem to think you have to be perfect to get love but you don’t. What’s driving that behavior is shame. Did your parents make you feel “less than” unless you did everything perfectly? Were you not allowed to make mistakes? You might be telling yourself that you have high standards but it’s really a subtle form of self-sabotage and a way to avoid embarrassment.
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Just quoting for emphasis. You're dropping nuggets in here yourself. :yep:
 
@Royalq

You’ve received some great advice here .

I do feel that therapy is needed for a lot of us if not most of us. I’ve been there myself a couple of times so I’m not knocking that idea.

However, my feeling with you is just what you’re getting here. The solution for you may be just widening out in your female friends. So that you can have Sister girls to talk to in person the way you’ve done here. Make date nights with your girls.

Well in this pandemic My friends have scheduled dinner dates on Zoom and tea parties. I treasure my female friends. You can love a man and he can love you but that’s not guaranteed. Your TRUE friends will always be there.

You’re just in a space where a lot of us were looking for fulfillment in a man or relationship when all the time it’s all within you. I wish I had realized that when I was your age.

Widen out, If you have a hobby further that if it’s something you really enjoy . Consider starting another stream of Income. Join a group of Sister circles where you can meet like minded young women . Older ones too that you can learn from. One of my good friends was a lot older than me. She was 98 when she passed. I learned a lot from her.

Start journaling. Affirm yourself everyday. Get busy with you so that when you do meet your man you can bring a phenomenal woman to the relationship. If you’re broken you will keep attracting broken men. We will never be perfect in this world but you have to know your worth.

Be grateful for what you have everyday instead of chasing what you don’t have right now.
 
Thank you for all of your kind words:bighug:
I called around and scheduled a therapy session for today at 6pm. She also does hypnotherapy so we’ll see whats best. Im really hoping i can have a break through and some clarity. I realize my reaction is irrational and i want to work through it. Idk what to expect for the session...
 
Royalq said:
Thanks guys. I feel so nervous because i never reveal my thoughts to anyone. Im always the quiet thinker. Im sad that i feel broken to need this but im proud that i recognize the problem and want to fix it
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Some problems we simply cannot heal on our own, especially those related to childhood wounds. You’re going to be fine and you will see that you aren’t broken. You just need help. Life is very difficult. The things you faced and saw as a child were not your fault. You were an innocent child needing and wanting to feel safe and loved. That’s what all children need and deserve. You did the best you could given your circumstances. Take it easy on yourself. Be patient with and kind to Royalq :kiss:.
 
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Royalq said:
Maybe i should look into therapy. Ive never had someone reasonable to sound off of... idk where to start even looking for a therapist
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I can suggest 2 books that helped me with the issue of "unavailable men" and getting control over your fantasizing. It all came down to a childhood issue for me as well. This author is terrific and breaking ish down

Mr Unavailable and the Fall-back Girl.....by Natalie Lu
The Dreamer & the Fantasy Relationship....by Natalie Lu
51pzQXOaExL._SY445_QL70_ML2_.jpg
51X5iXKwN8L.jpg
 
Dposh167 said:
I can suggest 2 books that helped me with the issue of "unavailable men" and getting control over your fantasizing. It all came down to a childhood issue for me as well. This author is terrific and breaking ish down

Mr Unavailable and the Fall-back Girl.....by Natalie Lu
The Dreamer & the Fantasy Relationship....by Natalie Lu
51pzQXOaExL._SY445_QL70_ML2_.jpg
51X5iXKwN8L.jpg
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thank you!! Ill check if kindle has them.

So the session went well. It was just initial consultation and some general Q&A answers about me, my family, etc so we can see what topics to touch on. We made another appointment for tomorrow
 
Dposh167 said:
I can suggest 2 books that helped me with the issue of "unavailable men" and getting control over your fantasizing. It all came down to a childhood issue for me as well. This author is terrific and breaking ish down

Mr Unavailable and the Fall-back Girl.....by Natalie Lu
The Dreamer & the Fantasy Relationship....by Natalie Lu
51pzQXOaExL._SY445_QL70_ML2_.jpg
51X5iXKwN8L.jpg
Click to expand...
I agree with these book recommendations- I had both as e-books over a decade ago and if I'd only followed the advice or read before getting into my long toxic relationship it would have saved a lot of heartache and stress.
The author's blog/website is also great.

ETA. I'm glad your session went well and I'm glad you've started all this work on yourself at such a good age.

Trust me, it's better than coming to all these realisations years later... :bighug:
 
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Royalq said:
thank you!! Ill check if kindle has them.

So the session went well. It was just initial consultation and some general Q&A answers about me, my family, etc so we can see what topics to touch on. We made another appointment for tomorrow
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Wow, @Royalq, I really have to commend you on getting on this so quickly. You're seriously committed to getting your inner work started/completed.
 
awhyley said:
Wow, @Royalq, I really have to commend you on getting on this so quickly. You're seriously committed to getting your inner work started/completed.
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Thank you! Im a believer that if you know better you’ll do better and when it came to him i just didnt know any better. I want to figure myself out so i dont do it again.

had therapy again today and cried a bit. We hit a nerve on my difficulty making friends and emotional attachment issues. I look forward to my appointment on tuesday.

@Dposh167 i got both books and started the Mr. unavailable one. The first couple of pages are so amazing. Im facepalming on how accurate it describes him AND me :drunk:. At first i was completely blaming him, then blamed myself. But now i realize its issues on both sides and i played a role too. Definitely will keep reading
 
Royalq said:
@Dposh167 i got both books and started the Mr. unavailable one. The first couple of pages are so amazing. Im facepalming on how accurate it describes him AND me :drunk:. At first i was completely blaming him, then blamed myself. But now i realize its issues on both sides and i played a role too. Definitely will keep reading
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I'm so glad you're reading it! That book was a page turner and huge life saver for me. I read the book a few years ago, but I still refer back to it when I feel myself falling back to my old ways. Keep us updated on your progress
 
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