I like him alot, BUT....

I guess the possible mental condition and momma drama should be the red flags here but the thing that bothered me most was when you said: "I always get on him about getting a job, so he definitely knows whats up." Trust me, you do not want a grown man that you have to get on about getting a job:nono:. Every woman I know in this situation is miserable and stressed out. You will be the breadwinner, I think you can count on that. All that sad if you love him and he loves you, it's cool, just go in eyes wide open and don't think he's gonna all of a sudden earn a bachelor's, and MBA, and be "taking care of you," not going to happen.

This is so true! I have an ex-boyfriend who when I first saw him at work, he seemed not to want to be there. I later found out that he had another job, so I thought maybe he was just tired. He did tell me that he was aspiring to be a lawyer and studying for the LSAT. After that, he was on and off about having a job. I know for our first anniversary, I bought him a suit so that he would get a job and go to church. He did not like the suit. I had to buy him a video game as consolation. He loved that! Anyway, he scored very low on the LSAT and ended up having his mom pay an enormous amount of money for him to go to law school. He graduated law school in 2008, has never had a law job, and spends his days and nights gambling at the casino!!!!!! The kicker is he thought I was going to marry him, saying that he would be at the casino most of the time and that as long as I didn't ***** about him going to the casino, we would get along fine.

I am flabberghasted at his whole story and am embarrassed about having ever been fooled by him!
 
Okay everyone is saying he's a loser. What about no good men with careers and cars who treat their women like ish? Screw around with other women, child support, baby mama drama, disrespectful, controling? Aren't those the real losers? Isn't there a such thing as a good man with no job or car? Okay let's say I kick him to the curb. The next week he gets a job, and a month later a car. Then he'll be everything I want. Smart, down to earth, great sense of humor, loyal, family-oriented, and he makes me feel like a queen. Even though he's been through mess with his mom, he still loves, and respects her. Isn't that worth something? Or should I call him a loser b/c of something as simple as not having a job or a car. That situation can change at any moment. Then what?

Girl bye.

If you came in here thinking that folx were going to big up your Captain Save a Crazy Nig situation, I'm sorry we disappointed you. But seriously, YOU'RE A NURSE. What's wrong with dating a doctor? Another nurse? Shoot, an ORDERLY? Come on now, surely you know better than this...you're a nurse and he's an unemployed POSSIBLY crazy but DEFINITELY a lying behind BROKE 31 year old dude. You mean to tell me that after 20 years of getting SSI checks off a lie that it's COOL?

If you're cool with his situation, why ask us if all you're going to do is defend him? Enjoy your schizophrenic dependent. Hope the crayon is sharp and the color is deep and long lasting.

If he loves you like you claim he does, and he's such a great man, him obtaining those things shouldn't be dependent on your leaving him.



Also, whatever your condition is (I'm guessing it's herpes or HIV), there are THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS of people living with those same conditions. Don't limit yourself.
 
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Okay everyone is saying he's a loser. What about no good men with careers and cars who treat their women like ish? Screw around with other women, child support, baby mama drama, disrespectful, controling? Aren't those the real losers? Isn't there a such thing as a good man with no job or car? Okay let's say I kick him to the curb. The next week he gets a job, and a month later a car. Then he'll be everything I want. Smart, down to earth, great sense of humor, loyal, family-oriented, and he makes me feel like a queen. Even though he's been through mess with his mom, he still loves, and respects her. Isn't that worth something? Or should I call him a loser b/c of something as simple as not having a job or a car. That situation can change at any moment. Then what?
You've not even known him that long, so how can you make all these judgments?

And I have to add that he spent those 2 months in jail, because he could not pay the fine. As a former prosecutor, I find that pretty rare. I doubt he'd be sent directly to jail on a first offense.
 
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He lives on his own. His check covers all his bills. That's why I'm a little more open to him b/c he is taking care of himself. I'm 25 and he's 31.
He is not taking care of himself, the government is taking care of him. When you take care of yourself, you work and make it happen.


It does have an impact. But how much of an impact should it have? That's why I'm torn. He's had jobs in the past. 4 months ago he was working. Don't the qualities that I mentioned count for something?? :ohwell:
If he had a work history, he would be receiving social security disability not SSI. Oh and by the way, if you two marry, your income will be used to figure his SSI, so his little federal benefits would be reduced. If you are making good money it will be reduced to a really small amount. Because he possibly can't pay his fair share. Send me a PM and I will tell you how I know. If you like.

I have nothing against folks who have disabilities because I could have one myself, but I chose not to get involved with them. I am plus sized diva and some guys chose not to date me, cool if that is ya thang. I aint mad because there are plenty who would love to have this size 22 diva.
 
It does have an impact. But how much of an impact should it have? That's why I'm torn. He's had jobs in the past. 4 months ago he was working. Don't the qualities that I mentioned count for something?? :ohwell:

Nope.

Actually the more you talk about him, the worse he sounds.

But hey, do you... although it's kinda scary to me that you're grasping at anything to make him sound good... he's supposed to get a cookie for having a job four months ago?

My people, my people....
 
Nope.

Actually the more you talk about him, the worse he sounds.

But hey, do you... although it's kinda scary to me that you're grasping at anything to make him sound good... he's supposed to get a cookie for having a job four months ago?

My people, my people....

I agree with the poster who said, that must be some good CRAYON. Only allegedly good crayon like that will make you lose your mind. Some one needs to listen to Alexyss Tylor. OP must be in that Boston Crab frequently. See below, it may not be one of the good ones but sis listen to them all. P#^*s Power. She is not for the delicate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym56uiTXwJM&feature=related
 
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F*** that. I don't care how loving and attentive he is- it's all an act so he can get what he wants. What a loser!
 
This guy doesn't seem to have any potential. He has nothing but time on his hands to perfect his "smooth talk" game, cooking game, and sex game and he must be getting flying colors in those areas as he has got you hooked like a fish.

I'm sorry OP I have met many men like this and I just consider them con artist...they know they don't have much to REALLY offer so they make up for it in other areas and have you blinded.


Those good qualities that you listed on him are common to MANY men and really not indicative of them being a "good" man. BUT if he is inline with what you want, then all the best.
 
I'm curious, OP? Do you know why he doesn't have a job or how long he held his last job?

Sometimes there are special circumstances. I have some relatives in a town that survived on one industry. When that industry left, all of supporting jobs went away with it & most of the people in that town are unemployed or underemployed. The only city I can think of where I know a lot of people who choose not to have a car is NY. Do you know his friends? Sometimes, look at a man's friends & you can see who he is, although he has told you all that you need to know.

From what you described, it doesn't sound like a special circumstance, because you said that the SSI is the reason that he is not in a rush to get a job.

The ladies have given you great advice. Your OP says that this is a choice between love and money, but it's really not. Be careful & cautious with this person. (My true advice would be to RUN, but it doesn't sound like you're there.)
 
OH MY Goodness!

Time for you to step off. People with schizophrenia can be extremely violent. Are you sure he isn't taking meds that he is hiding from you?

Acting crazy and Being crazy are two different things that cannot fool a psychiatrist.

He had a rough life and I was prepared to give him a little benefit of the doubt. But the fact that he has absolutely NOTHING to offer you and has no intention of doing anything to improve his situation, and on top of that he is CRAZY.....need I say more?

Are you serious about the $700? How old are you? Try $700 per month times 10 at a very, very, very low minimum if you are seriously considering marriage, children, and a home.

This is what I'm most concerned about. I work with many individuals who receive SSI due to mental illness, and the process for approval is VERY rigorous. Most people are denied and appeal and go before a judge for the final decision. You have to provide medical documentation and most often these people have been admitted to a psych hospital at least once during they're life. I would suggest you do some serious investigation about the SSI deal.
 
I told DH about this, and he said the following things:

"Dude is a bum. And he's looking for a woman willing to take care of him."

"I bet she's the first one to get an advanced degree, and her family 'likes' him, because they know that he will hold her back, and keep her on the same level they are on."

"I bet she got into nursing because she has the need to save/take care of people - and that's just what bums like this are looking for."

"He can't get a job on the up and up - because if he gets anything that has taxes reported to the gov't, he'll lose his check. Beyond the jail time, and the lack of a GED/diploma, he's liable to be stuck working handyman/under the table jobs, and there is no stability, there."

"She's only known him for two months!?! She's just seeing his representative - the real him hasn't even shown up yet. She's so dazzled by the big pretty, cooking, respectful, kind, sexy bow on the package, she doesn't see it's wrapped in Mr. YuckMouth stickers."

He was also very curious as to how he was able to afford to move, and how he lost his last job, and agreed that it's liable he was either living with a chick who put him out, or he was doing something under the table and got ditched - but either way, unless he was saving a lot of money, there is no way he was able to move from one city to another on his own.

Just a man's POV.

*shrug*

I wonder if OP will ever come back to the thread. :(
 
OP, may I please share something with you?

I have a friend in his mid-20s. He was convicted as an adult of a felony when he was 16 years old, a juvenile. The entire situation - including the disposition of his case - was unfortunate, even though he was guilty of a crime (not murder, rape, or robbery either). But do you know that while he was imprisoned, he learned 3 trades, obtained his GED and is now a few credits short of his Associate's Degree?

He currently holds 2 jobs and is looking for a 3rd job. He has no children. While like anyone else, he is not perfect...he is respectful, kind, admits his mistakes as a teenager. He receives zero assistance and will soon begin training to obtain his CDL.

On the other hand, your friend sounds like he lacks motivation and needs to get himself together. He may have good qualities, as you have described, but it doesn't negate the fact that he needs to be proactive about certain other issues in his life. You know him better that all of us, but just compare the situation I shared to that of your friend. How does he NOT have a GED or a job? What is his reason? PLEASE BE CAREFUL!
 
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OP, I'm so sorry that the condtion you have makes you think you have to settle for this guy. Like many other posters have said, he is less than ideal.

You've only known him for 2 months. Think about it. 2 months. Let him go get himself together if he can. Sure, there are circumstances in life that lead us to screw up, but at 31 years old, if you don't have a serious physical or mental disease, you should have a plan for your future and working towards it. At this point, I think you're his plan. You are worthy of being loved AND being taken care of. But first you need to start by loving and taking care of yourself first. You are not doing that right now.
 
All of you are right. And I know this deep down inside. I know I deserve better, but I'm afraid my Mr. Right doesn't exist I guess. I see it all around me. Women with kids who are lonely, angry and desperate, and I don't want to end up like that. I really don't know why i'm settling b/c I meet men all the time with their ish together but sometimes I feel they are too good for me, and that I would end up getting cheated on or left. With this guy it's like I don't have to worry about that. And if he did leave, oh well. I wouldn't be missing anything. It would be his loss. Another reason why I think i'm drawn to him is b/c I know he needs me, and likes me more than I like him. I don't want to be the one in a relationship who's head over heels while the guy is just "feelin me."

And ya'll are right. He was living with his ex in another city and she kicked him out. She helped him move here and got his utilities turned on.
 
All of you are right. And I know this deep down inside. I know I deserve better, but I'm afraid my Mr. Right doesn't exist I guess. I see it all around me. Women with kids who are lonely, angry and desperate, and I don't want to end up like that. I really don't know why i'm settling b/c I meet men all the time with their ish together but sometimes I feel they are too good for me, and that I would end up getting cheated on or left. With this guy it's like I don't have to worry about that. And if he did leave, oh well. I wouldn't be missing anything. It would be his loss. Another reason why I think i'm drawn to him is b/c I know he needs me, and likes me more than I like him. I don't want to be the one in a relationship who's head over heels while the guy is just "feelin me."

And ya'll are right. He was living with his ex in another city and she kicked him out. She helped him move here and got his utilities turned on.
This reminds me of one of my cousins. He's in his 30s, very handsome but he's pretty much a bum and a woman beater. Now if he had his ish together he could have his choice of a fair share of nice women, but since he's a complete loser he on only dates busted up, dog-faced women with no self-esteem (he knocks every one of them up before the relationship is over too) :ohwell:. Some men like that actually target women who they know they can get to take care of them, and mistreat them because they know the women will be so grateful just to have a man that they'll put up with anything. I hope I don't offend you, I'm just saying your "condition" could've just been a target for him and he feels that he found his meal ticket. I still don't think you should sell yourself short.
 
I don't think there's anything wrong with thinking about how a potential long-term mate will hold up to keeping a job and being a breadwinner. I was raised in the South and maybe it matters or not, but I think a man should be able to take care of his wife, whether she chooses to work as well or not. Even if she makes more money, if she decided not to work tomorrow, he should be able to efficiently step in and at least handle business.

I know a man (34 yrs old) who only has a diploma, got hurt on the job and was not in a rush to get another job-after 7 years! Okay, so you have a disc removed from your back. That doesn't mean you can't work. There are people without limbs who work. So, since he got a worker's comp check, he was living off that. Checks got stopped, so now he's been applying for disability. This negro also has 3 kids by 3 different women, is divorced, and does not support the 3rd child, who was just born last year. He also has a slight record. No car. Not paying child support, and purposely not working for that fact. A lady came into his life, and he promptly moved her in-so she could help pay HIS bills and keep a roof over his head with her meager earnings. I DEPLORE men like that, and always will. They make their living using women here and there.

Let me just tell you that if you can, find someone else. He is going to end up mooching off of you. If you are looking for a man to be the primary breadwinner, there is nothing wrong with that. If you are thinking this man may not cut it in that position, your intuition is correct. He has no car, but who is taking care of him? Last time I checked, SSI wasn't a gravy train...I mean its not a lot of money, usually. It would be different if he were trying to do something with his life, like get his diploma/GED or go to college so he can get an education, and a career to support himself and maybe a future wife and family. From the post, it doesn't sound like he's trying to do any of that. Men without goals, or who are not at least minimally established on their own (with a place to call home, job, car, some sort of education) are a MAJOR turn off to me.

As soon as I find out that he is lacking in two or more areas (has a car, no place, no job, or has a place, no education, no job, then he cannot plan on having a chance with me. I am going places, and its not wrong to want my man to either already be there, a little ahead of me, or be on the same path. Just my honest opinion, I don't mean to offend anyone...I do understand extenuating circumstances like disabilities, injuries, etc. But, SOYAS is not a real disease. (SOYAS=Sit On Your *** Syndrome).

ETA: After reading the other parts of the thread, he must be 31 and has never had a job. If so, he would've paid into the Social Security system, and be receiving Social Security Disability Insurance, not SSI. It sounds like he enjoys having the gubment pay his way. Any man like that has no place in my life, and I'm 25 as well. If you're a nurse, you can do much better professionally and socially than this man. I went to Nursing school and the possibilities are endless. There will come a time when you will feel that you've outgrown this man. And, that will be for the better. Most of us, if not all of us who have responded here hope you will get that feeling sooner than later.

IMO, he has no business being with any professional woman until he gets his act together. Maybe some hood chicks would be glad to have his $700 check coming in the house for Ray-Ray, Man, and 'Twan. I submit that you are better than that. Move on, please! I write all this because I have seen many of my fellow sistahs taken advantage of by these ni**** who don't wanna work. Sistahs who go to school, work, and take care of their children, only to have a leach of a man attach himself to them and offer no contributions except a little crayon here and there. Then that crayon leads to more children, then he really could care less about working now, because of child support. PUHLEESE! Chyle, ain't nobody's crayon that good.
 
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Thank all of you guys for your responses. I'll answer some of the questions ya'll asked. Okay, he has a criminal record yes, BUT it's only a misdemeanor and he spent 2 months in jail when he was 20 (11 years ago)THIS MUTHA-FLOPPER IS 31!?! :wallbash:for busting windows on a car with his friends. He told me and I looked him up.:yep: Now for not graduating HS, he dropped out in th 10th grade (stupid) b/c he was having issues with his mom. She's the type when she has a man..she forgets she has kids. Especially a black man. (He's biracial).He had to go back and live in a foster home. Him and his sisters. He said he went to Pennsylvania Culinary Institute for a program that combined getting your GED and a degree. I haven't heard of this. Has anyone else?? Sounds kinda fishy to me.:ohwell: I confronted him about it and he swears he did, and that they did/do have a program like that. We'll see.

Now the SSI check. Uh oh, lol. Ok. He says he's gotten it ever since he was 11 because his mom told him to act crazy so she could get the check for him. He said he just told the people that he saw things that weren't there, like a pink elephant flying around the room. And she told him to act like someone was watching him. So I don't know if that's the truth or not, but he gets the check for Schizophrenia.:look: (Don't know if I spelled that right). Yeah aiight . . . mess around and have "the voices" tell him to "OJ" you :samurai: (no disrespect to anyone w/Schizophrenia other than HIM) I have a friend with the same diagnosis, and im a nurse. So I understand it if he really does have issues. He's not taking meds for it, and he seems fine to me, so maybe it was all for the money. My sister's friend has 3 kids and she made all of the get checks. Sad I know.:nono:

He said he'll do whatever he has to do to get a job and he doesn't care what kind of job it is. Actions speak louder than words. Do ya'll think I should give him an ultimatum? I mean my family even likes him. And that's rare. And I feel that he's the type of guy that would be there for the long haul. He's been through alot in his past, and he says he just wants someone to love him for him, and she'll have his loyalty and love forever. Umm, do you want a man or a pet? It'll be a wrap. And something else I didn't mention. I have a "condition" so to speak. I'll get into details later. And he accepts it. Some guys wouldn't, but he does.

He asked me for money once. And I put a quick stop to that. So he knows I'm not a bank. I always get on him about getting a job, so he definitely knows whats up. And since he does get a check, a pro to it is that even if something happens, like he loses his job, there'll always be a steady income of $700 from him. :ohwell:


I seriously want to throw up in my mouth! :barf: I don't "give a care" WHAT kind of condition you have. I know women with Herpes, HPV etc. who STILL get men with more going on than dude. Ray Lewis Thornton came to my school and she has men trying to holler at her (she's HIV+). Don't let your insecurity over your condition make you think you have to settle.
 
Ya, can't break it down any more than Jewell did. It is now in the smallest particle ever.

I hope OP heeds your warning. Print that out and put it on a t-shirt and mirror OP.

Shed a tear, get a pedicure and move on from leach dude.
 
All of you are right. And I know this deep down inside. I know I deserve better, but I'm afraid my Mr. Right doesn't exist I guess. I see it all around me. Women with kids who are lonely, angry and desperate, and I don't want to end up like that. I really don't know why i'm settling b/c I meet men all the time with their ish together but sometimes I feel they are too good for me, and that I would end up getting cheated on or left. With this guy it's like I don't have to worry about that. And if he did leave, oh well. I wouldn't be missing anything. It would be his loss. Another reason why I think i'm drawn to him is b/c I know he needs me, and likes me more than I like him. I don't want to be the one in a relationship who's head over heels while the guy is just "feelin me."

And ya'll are right. He was living with his ex in another city and she kicked him out. She helped him move here and got his utilities turned on.

mz tracy, i consider it a pretty big deal that you were able to admit all this (not only to the ladies on the forum but to yourself as well). i hope that, despite all your fears, you are able to demand more for yourself than what this man has to offer (which is not a gotdamn thing). i don't care what your "condition" is-- you deserve more. period. and as the saying goes, don't settle for less than you deserve because the minute you settle for less than you deserve you get even less than what you settled for.
 
I got one. How about he got some girl to co-sign for the apartment or the apartment is her name?

apartments look at current employment status and he has none. 700 dollars is no money.
You got to pay first and last month rent plus security deposit at some apartment places. Also moving is not cheap. On top of that one has to pay deposit for the power and cable. That would have cost more than some 700 dollars.

Tatiana got that laser scope vision! Turns out your were 100% spot on.



I agree with the poster who said, that must be some good CRAYON. Only allegedly good crayon like that will make you lose your mind. Some one needs to listen to Alexyss Tylor. OP must be in that Boston Crab frequently. See below, it may not be one of the good ones but sis listen to them all. P#^*s Power. She is not for the delicate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym56uiTXwJM&feature=related

Top notch :strong: :hero: crayon will undoubtedly make you fall for the okey doke. In this case I think that may be a factor... I started smelling good crayon right from the first post, lol

I told DH about this, and he said the following things:

"Dude is a bum. And he's looking for a woman willing to take care of him."

"I bet she's the first one to get an advanced degree, and her family 'likes' him, because they know that he will hold her back, and keep her on the same level they are on."

"I bet she got into nursing because she has the need to save/take care of people - and that's just what bums like this are looking for."

"He can't get a job on the up and up - because if he gets anything that has taxes reported to the gov't, he'll lose his check. Beyond the jail time, and the lack of a GED/diploma, he's liable to be stuck working handyman/under the table jobs, and there is no stability, there."

"She's only known him for two months!?! She's just seeing his representative - the real him hasn't even shown up yet. She's so dazzled by the big pretty, cooking, respectful, kind, sexy bow on the package, she doesn't see it's wrapped in Mr. YuckMouth stickers."

He was also very curious as to how he was able to afford to move, and how he lost his last job, and agreed that it's liable he was either living with a chick who put him out, or he was doing something under the table and got ditched - but either way, unless he was saving a lot of money, there is no way he was able to move from one city to another on his own.

Just a man's POV.

*shrug*

I wonder if OP will ever come back to the thread. :(

OMG, JustKiya, your DH sounds EXACTLY like mine, lol!

Ms Tracy25 :bighug: Honey, that was so brave and honest of you to admit your low self-esteem. I used to be in the same position as you are in, emotionally. I felt like the guys who were "too nice to me" were really too good for me. You know what really helped me? Spending some time when I wasn't dating anyone, and going to therapy. Seriously. It's not just for crazy people. Did you by any chance have a rocky relationship with your dad? Cuz sometimes that can cause the kind of situation you are in.

I wish you the best and I hope you can move on to find a quality man to be with... you deserve it!
 
All of you are right. And I know this deep down inside. I know I deserve better, but I'm afraid my Mr. Right doesn't exist I guess. I see it all around me. Women with kids who are lonely, angry and desperate, and I don't want to end up like that. I really don't know why i'm settling b/c I meet men all the time with their ish together but sometimes I feel they are too good for me, and that I would end up getting cheated on or left. With this guy it's like I don't have to worry about that. And if he did leave, oh well. I wouldn't be missing anything. It would be his loss. Another reason why I think i'm drawn to him is b/c I know he needs me, and likes me more than I like him. I don't want to be the one in a relationship who's head over heels while the guy is just "feelin me."

And ya'll are right. He was living with his ex in another city and she kicked him out. She helped him move here and got his utilities turned on.

you are very brave to admit this, most ppl don't get that far. but now that you've gotten to the root of the problem, what are you gonna do about it?
 
:stop: Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 dollars

-I know you guys are probably like :2inlove: right now. But he has no job, no education, no car AND he's been in :jail: What can you possibly see in him?

-Like another person said, you don't want to have a :babyb: with someone who can do nothing for you or that child. Eventually you'll be :shopping: and he'll be :sleep2: You'll be :doingdishes: and he'll be :droolings. The :babyb: will be :cry: and he'll be :sleeping:. And as time goes by, you both will be :boxing:

-You need to hightail it out of there lady :auto:

But seriously, I think you would regret investing a lot of time in this man in the long run, especially if you're working. I don't know about you, but there's no way in H E double hockey sticks, I'm going to sit there and let a man lay around and do nothing while I bring home the bacon :nono:

Sorry for all the smiley's I'm just really bored :lachen:



:lachen:lachen:lachen:lachen: the smilies explained it perfectly...

seriously real talk.. i've been a situation similar to this .. it's all great and dandy for a while.. I was young and dumb at the time... he had no job, no car was n and out of state.. a record.. 10-15 hanging over his head and to make matters worse, he was involved in some ish that pretty much resulted in the fact that people were constantly looking for him...(not good people either ) ... when he was there tho... he was there!!! made sure I ate well, spent what time he could...talkin on the phone all that good stuff... for 3 yrs I dealt with this...and now that I look back on it... i'm like :wallbash::lachen::lachen: ... the hell was I THINKINGGGGG.... I couldn't be more happier that the man dropped of the face of the earth( he just stopped calling and didn't come around anymore) woooooooooohoooo..That could only ended up with more drama and possibly me being dead behind him...

Girl.. let em go, It's great while it last... but the future and reality of it all..He dont have nothing to offer...atleast something going for him..not even education... atleast education if u dont have sh@t else.. education man..
 
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