Rant/Vent: My BFs Son...plz ladies w/ blended families.

[Kindheart]

Op ,you need to speak to his Dad and express your concerns ,he needs to set him straight ,by letting him get away with this he s sending the message that its ok for him to be disrespectful towards you.
Tantrums are normal ,however ,it's up to his parents to teach him how to behave around other people.

 

[God_Favor]

You take care this child during ALL of your free time, but yet you can't set rules and consequences for negative behavior. What would he do if you put the child in time out? Would he be so angry that he would stop "letting" you give up your free time to care for the child? If so, time out is the way to go lol..

He needs to find a nanny ASAP!

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy III using LHCF

 

[LadyChe]

This is a bad situation.
What happens if you two take the next step?

Will you be able to discipline the child then? His behavior is already out of hand, it will only get worse.

How does the father discipline his child when he gets home?

And finally, what kind of discipline are we talking about? Can't you put him in a time out corner? Do you want to spank him?

 

[DrC]

So he wants you to watch a child you're not allowed to discipline. That's a big side-eye.

 

[lacreolegurl]

I think what you're experiencing is quite common in this type of relationship. Parents in general are protective of their kids and his defensiveness is just his way of trying to make sure you have his son's best interest. Trust me, if the shoe were on the other foot, you would be side-eyeing any comment or disciplinary action your partner tries. I know you feel like...okay, I'm good enough to watch the baby, but I can't tell him if he's doing something wrong?

It's a mixed message, yes. But blended families are very complicated and you'll experience a lot of that if this is going somewhere. It's especially complicated because you all aren't married or engaged even.

Well, even paid caregivers have rules for kids in their care and you have every right to establish those. And he needs to back you up. Any serious discipline needs to be handled by the father, he sets the tone for your interaction. But things like no snacks before dinner or bedtime is 8:30 or no running in the house, or acknowledging me when im talking to you, etc., are things I'm sure you can find common ground on. Determine how dad is comfortable with you handling infractions...time out corner, no treats, taking a special toy. And don't discuss it in front of his son...you need to present a united front with dad doing the talking. Ultimately, you are the boss when dad's not home and you enforce the rules.

As for the attitude, at five, he is still a babe. From what you described he doesn't sound like a bad kid at all. He's just learning and pouting is not uncommon. But, I don't think you're wrong in telling the father and his son that you find that unacceptable.

My strongest suggestion is that you address these things now, before the relationship goes any further.

OP, I have more on the subject, you can pm me if you need support. I've been a stepmom for over 12 years....

 

[TamaraShaniece]

Who was watching his child on the weekends prior to you?
How long have you been keeping his son on the weekends?
How a long did you know him before you started watching his child and who idea was it for you to keep him.

rmwms
His grand mom was watching him on the weekends and his mom had him 1 or 2 weekends out the month.

I think I've been watching him for about a year now...whenever I started sleeping over (which would explain why his family was happy )

I've known him since 2004 but we started dating April 2012 and not sure if it was an idea. His son was miserable when I would leave his gm house so they ask if I would take him...and I said sure just to make him happy.

 

[so_stush]

Double post.

 

[so_stush]

I don't spend an extraordinary amount of time (read every weekend) with a child that I cannot discipline as I see fit. If you don't like it don't leave your kid with me every weekend.

Some of my friends leave their kids with me, some don't. But I let thm know up front and they make their choice.

No way some 5 year old is going to disrespect me in my home, in my mothers home, in anyone's home and not get the business. Furthermore, his dad needs to reiterate the business when he comes back home. If be doesnt like it, he doesn't have to leave the mid with me. Plenty of things I can occupy my time with from 3:30 - 11:45 every weekend.

 

[TamaraShaniece]

To update everyone- I told his uncle and he completely agreed w/ me and your points I made.

He told my BF:
"his mom has rules and u, his dad have rules but to not set rules with me because he already has rules w/ his mom is not fair to me. She's not here to replace his mom but if she's with him, he can't disrespect her (me). He might run back to his mom and say things but so what. You have rules that contradict his mom's rules but ur rules are ur rules. U need to set your son straight that he needs to listen to her (me) and if he doesn't listen to her then she needs to be able to discipline in..."

So in a nutshell, his uncle made valid points and my BF agreed that he needs to enforce my rules, our rules, and that I need to discipline too.

LadyChe I don't want to spank but I do need to put him in time out "calm down corner" when he doesn't listen. I watch super nappy for tips.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

TheEspressoHair
I see that you've gotten help from BF's uncle but I will still chime in.

A 5 year old child should not be running the household. For your BF to not fully support you and to allow you to discipline his son (spanking is different) is a huge red flag. If the child was staying with a sitter or another family member, would that person be able to discipline the child? I ask because it seems like it's specific to you because I can bet grandma didn't play that crap.

I have a stepson. DH and I have different rules in our home than his mom and he learned that from day one. I never had to spank him since DH handles spankings (only 1 serious spanking that I recall). DH was always supportive of any discipline advice I suggested. You have to be on the same page with child rearing or the kids will pit you against one another. They learn that tactic early on.

The idea of you taking on such a huge role in the child's life when you are not engaged to this guy is bothersome to me but if you are fine with it, so be it. I presume you plan to marry this man and that's why you are so active in the child's life.

rmwms
His grand mom was watching him on the weekends and his mom had him 1 or 2 weekends out the month.

I think I've been watching him for about a year now...whenever I started sleeping over (which would explain why his family was happy )

I've known him since 2004 but we started dating April 2012 and not sure if it was an idea. His son was miserable when I would leave his gm house so they ask if I would take him...and I said sure just to make him happy.

I've known my boyfriend for quit some years but actually started dating 17 months ago.

My boyfriend has a 5 yr old son... He is a really good, smart kid but when he doesn't get his way he has a bad attitude.

His dad has full custody of his son and its pretty much me and his son 24/7 on the weekend (because he works 3:30pm-11:45am).

I'm not sure how to address his sons attitude when he gets yelled at or in trouble. When I tried bringing it up before, my bf got really defensive like I'm telling him how to raise his son.

I don't tolerate certain things...since my boyfriend doesn't want me to discipline his child (which I don't want to do because I'm not his mom) I'm not sure how to address this situation.

Ladies who are dating/married to men with kids or have kids of your own. How should this situation be handled. I need ur wisdom.

(Ex: I went to give his son a bath, he wanted to get in the tub but I said no ur getting a shower. - he's mumbling under his breath w/ his arms crossed, not moving off the stairs or responding when I talk to him.) I don't tolerate this behavior. His son loves me but when he's told no, stop -he has a miserable attitude with everyone.

Hi sunnieb =D

Yes he trusts me w/ his son but he's comin from a place where if his babymoms boyfriend beat his son he wouldn't like that... So if I beat his son, his babymom would snap. But I'm not tryin to be his mom... I'm stuck when I say no. -yesterday he asked for ice cream...I said not until u eat lunch. Now he's standing by the fridge w/ his lip poked out. I asked him, do you want to sit down and eat lunch? No answer. Are you hungry no answer? So I just walked away.

No we're not engaged. But I stay at his house on the weekends. So when he's at work, it's me and his son. When I visit my parents, his son comes along.

CURLYCROWN Im not allowed to discipline. it's more of frustration from his behavior and my BF defensive attitude. Nothin that deserves a spanking but if I send him to his room, he won't move. He'll stand there w/ his lip pocked out.

-His son wanted a honey bun for lunch one day instead of his PB & J. I said no and to sit at the table and eat (he doesn't move).. I said we'll go to bed -he grabs his PBJ -I said sit at the table and he sits on the step to the kitchen. He can be sweet all day, wants me to read him books, we'll play Wii, etc...when he doesn't get his way -attitude, don't listen, don't answer u back, don't look ur way. Standing there w/ an attitude cause he didn't get his way.

To update everyone- I told his uncle and he completely agreed w/ me and your points I made.

He told my BF:
"his mom has rules and u, his dad have rules but to not set rules with me because he already has rules w/ his mom is not fair to me. She's not here to replace his mom but if she's with him, he can't disrespect her (me). He might run back to his mom and say things but so what. You have rules that contradict his mom's rules but ur rules are ur rules. U need to set your son straight that he needs to listen to her (me) and if he doesn't listen to her then she needs to be able to discipline in..."

So in a nutshell, his uncle made valid points and my BF agreed that he needs to enforce my rules, our rules, and that I need to discipline too.

LadyChe I don't want to spank but I do need to put him in time out "calm down corner" when he doesn't listen. I watch super nappy for tips.

 

[shortycocoa]

OP, I feel for you. I think your relationship with your SO will continue to suffer a great deal and you will end up resenting him (if you don't already) if there is no resolution to this issue.

With that being said, I am glad there was an "intervention" of sorts and you two are trying to get on the same page, so to speak. What are you prepared to do if the disrespect/disobedience continues? Especially if SO thinks about it and says he still doesn't want you to discipline his child?

I have babysat for friends before....I don't hit their kids, especially if their parents don't, but like previous posters have pointed out, it doesn't have to include spanking. You need to be able to discipline in the way you see fit. Especially if this is a serious relationship that is headed for marriage.

If it is headed that way, you should be able to discipline to a certain extent. I still don't understand why he feels that way if you two have known each other as long as you say you have and been in a relationship for a while.

Just remember to look out for yourself also and make sure you're not being taken advantage of. What circumstances led to your SO having full custody? If the child is not seeing the mother on a regular basis and he doesn't understand why, that may play a part in all of this also.

My SO has 2 kids from a previous marriage and they have joint custody. His sons listen to me and the only time there's a little resistance is when the youngest one wants to show off and talk back. His father handles that and usually there's no problems after that.

 

[MzLady78]

To update everyone- I told his uncle and he completely agreed w/ me and your points I made.

He told my BF:
"his mom has rules and u, his dad have rules but to not set rules with me because he already has rules w/ his mom is not fair to me. She's not here to replace his mom but if she's with him, he can't disrespect her (me). He might run back to his mom and say things but so what. You have rules that contradict his mom's rules but ur rules are ur rules. U need to set your son straight that he needs to listen to her (me) and if he doesn't listen to her then she needs to be able to discipline in..."

So in a nutshell, his uncle made valid points and my BF agreed that he needs to enforce my rules, our rules, and that I need to discipline too.

LadyChe I don't want to spank but I do need to put him in time out "calm down corner" when he doesn't listen. I watch super nappy for tips.

I'm glad that you've come to an agreement.

But I have to say, it rubs me the wrong a little that it took his uncle saying something for him to listen. I'm sure you probably made similar, if not the same points when you brought it up.

In either case, I do hope that the situation improves from here.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I'm glad that you've come to an agreement.

But I have to say, it rubs me the wrong a little that it took his uncle saying something for him to listen. I'm sure you probably made similar, if not the same points when you brought it up.

In either case, I do hope that the situation improves from here.

Thank you! I wanted to say this but it wasn't coming out as diplomatic so I erased it

 

[MzLady78]

Thank you! I wanted to say this but it wasn't coming out as diplomatic so I erased it

I hesitated because I didn't want to come off like a Negative Nellie, I am glad there was a resolution. But I do think that the OP voicing her concerns herself should have been enough. Nothing the uncle said was particularly profound for him to all of the sudden see the light.

 

[Fab_Nikki]

Didn't read any responses but I say let him raise his own spoiled chap!!!

 

[PureSilver]

No we're not engaged. But I stay at his house on the weekends. So when he's at work, it's me and his son. When I visit my parents, his son comes along.

There is no way i would be taking that child to my parents home if he cannot respect me....i can't even begin to write all the things my mom would say if she sees that child disrespecting me.

I agree with what other posters have said. I once dated a young man who had a 2yr old son at the time and even at that tender age i would reprimand the child. I made it very clear that i would not be with him and tolerate disrespect from his child.

If your BF trust you and know you have good intentions towards his child then he should not have a problem with you guiding that child positively given that he is coming from a home where he was beaten and possibly abused physically too. You have to remember too OP that it will take time for that child to trust you and let you into their space and world because he is coming from a different environment with different people, treating him differently.
I do not know in what manner you speak to him (your tone) but your tone should be gentle yet firm

 

[God_Favor]

OP if you were doing your female bff a favor by caring for her child every weekend , would her no discipline or reprimand for her child be an option? Just wondering if the same rules would float for fam and friends.

Flad he decided to take your view into consideration now. Hope it gets better soon!

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy III using LHCF

 

[FelaShrine]

Y'all being quite understanding so Imma be quiet on what I really think of this mess

Good luck OP

 

[TayMac]

I'm glad he listened but you shouldn't have had to involve uncle. You have known him before the child was even created so I think he should trust and respect you more.

I would probably make this an every other weekend thing vs every weekend out of fairness to you.

 

[sunnieb]

Y'all being quite understanding so Imma be quiet on what I really think of this mess

Good luck OP

I think I feel the same way, but I tried to be nice.

 

[Urban]

I'm glad you got some sort of resolution OP and I truly hope it works out. I'm guessing this is a learning curve for you and SO, so I'm glad he's finally listened. I hope, however, that you keep tabs on the situation because if SO slacks on this again, it may just be the beginning of a pattern. It means that for you to ever resolve anything you need to get an external person to step in. Consider whether this is something you are willing to put up with.

 

[Ipanema]

Well, my view is completely different from everyone else's. If I have to spend a lot of time with a child that I can't discipline, then I just try to be the "fun" person that the child hangs out with. Then I use sneaky tactics to get the child to do what is right. Why butt heads with a child you can't discipline, that isn't yours, and that isn't in your house? Also, the child seems pretty tame from the examples. I wouldn't stress myself out trying to be the disciplinarian. I'd make every weekend fun. If the father didn't like our fun weekends, then I bet he'd get a new babysitter!

 

[ecadnacmc]

Hi sunnieb =D

Yes he trusts me w/ his son but he's comin from a place where if his babymoms boyfriend beat his son he wouldn't like that... So if I beat his son, his babymom would snap. But I'm not tryin to be his mom... I'm stuck when I say no. -yesterday he asked for ice cream...I said not until u eat lunch. Now he's standing by the fridge w/ his lip poked out. I asked him, do you want to sit down and eat lunch? No answer. Are you hungry no answer? So I just walked away.

It's not u. He's just being a five year old. My daughter does it all the time. Ignore him and let him know u aren't changing your mind. He'll either starve to death or straighten up his attitude. He's just testing to see how much he can get away and how far he can push you. You can let him know your in charge without yelling or hitting him.

 

[JerriBlank]

There shouldn't be all of that resistance, as all you should have to say is "I'm telling your dad" and he should get moving. Never had a problem with it in 10 years. There is no reason for me to discipline someone else's child, as they should know how they are to behave when they are with me.
Kids act up, but if their parent does not know how to discipline them, then what good are you, when you can only do what dad says?
I have never had to argue with my stepchild, or deal with any tantrums form him. I swear to you, our tiffs never last longer than a few seconds, as as soon as he starts acting up, I threaten him with his daddy. It's his responsibility to do that.
Funny thing is that his dad has had to resort to spankings all of 3 times in his 10 years. He listens.

 

[Britt]

For real?

How can you compare a situation with a child on the street with one where the child is living under the same roof? That's why you see children acting out in the street half the time, because their parents don't discipline them.

It's not even about "trying to be his mom", he's a child and he needs to be taught to respect adults, period. OP, your BF is not doing you or himself any favors by not getting a handle on this now. I think you need to make another attempt to discuss this with him. Personally, if he still refused to do anything about it, he would need to find someone else to watch him. I think it's very unfair to expect you to deal with a disrespectful child every weekend.

Personally I'm not understanding why you have to watch his son all weekend. Are you guys engaged?

Agreed with all of this...

OP, I'm just getting out of a relationship with a SO that has a small child. He knows his daughter can get rude and he never tolerates her disrespecting adults. There are times he might have seen her get fresh or rude with me and he'd make her go and apologize to me or to any adult. He never turned a blind eye to his daughter's antics. He's even told me to tell her no or speak firmly to her but I always felt kinda out of place b/c she's not my child. In any event, I suggest you have a real good talk w/ your SO and I don't think you should be spending every weekend watching his child. I'm sorry, i'm speaking for straight up experience here -- no judgement. Overtime it might become mentally exhausting for yourself-- especially if you don't have children of your own b/c you're the one sacrificing your child free time every wknd. I wouldn't spend all that time with his child and I'm not engaged or married to him -- it's too much.. playing step mom, shoooott -- Until I'm actually a step mom I ain't playing one.. I rather go wash and deep condition my hair or something . Sounds like some boundaries need to be put down here. If you and SO wed, he's gonna have to do something about you dealing with his rude child.